Jerri Blank is a 46-year-old "boozer, user and a loser" who tries to put her life back together again. The reformed runaway and addi...更多>
Jerri Blank: I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard. Jerri Blank: From now on, this violin is my whole life. Orlando Pinatubo: Hey, Jerri. Wanna go throw stuff off the overpass? Jerri Blank: Yeah. [holds up violin] Jerri Blank: We can throw this. Jerri Blank: "Packing a Musket", by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're beggin' you please to get down on your knees near their groinage, excusa me, but you see, don't you touch where they pee without coinage. Mr. Chuck Noblet: Thank you, Jerri... Jerri Blank: When I straddle and squat, to show you my... [Bell rings] Jerri Blank: [to Tammi Littlenut] Pee on me. Jerri Blank: Protect me, Satan! Jerri Blank: Dear diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you. Jerri Blank: [about her chicken, Suki] She'll eat grapes out of anywhere I put them... Anywhere. Jerri Blank: I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis. Jerri Blank: Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods. Jerri Blank: Hey Stew, you seen my mother? Stew: Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with? Jerri Blank: I like the pole and the hole. Jerri Blank: Somebody's been drinking. I'm gonna name you Dizzy. Jerri Blank: Hello. I'm Jerry Blank. 32 years ago I dropped out of High School and ran away from home. Oh, I made a lot of friends... did a lot of time. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. I stole the TV. - Did some more time. But now I'm back in school. And though the faces may have changed, the hassles are just the same. Jerri Blank: I stole the TV. Jerri Blank: Number one- get your chubby chimp-claws off the copper-top. Jerri Blank
: "Dear Diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you. Everything's changed; I'm in love... something you would never understand you dirty, dirty, dirty Jew diary. Just kidding, just kidding. Jerri Blank." [Talking to a tree she has just planted] Jerri Blank: You know, you and me have got a lot in common, we both have thick leathery bark, we both have initials carved into our trunks, and we're both setting down new roots. Jerri Blank: Florida. Beautiful weather - harsh penal system. Jerri Blank: Dreams can happen Sara Blank: It's nice that you think that, dear. Chuck Noblet: Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers. Sara Blank: I can stop whenever I want! That you don't believe me? Well, if you're such a good listener, why don't you watch this? [Pours bottles into the sink] Sara Blank: say goodbye to my mixers. Jerri Blank: I guess she can stop. Jerri Blank: Come on, pick me. Look, I have the legs of a mongoose. Jerri Blank: What are you painting? Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Oh, just a little bit of Americana for Drug Awareness Week. It's the Battle of Miami. Columbus here, fighting the pilgrims as they attempt to land. Sara Blank: Don't rub your feces on the lampshade. Jerri Blank: Just trying to keep the boulder in front of my love cave. Jerri Blank: Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Oh it's hard. Oh, Hard. Coach Cherri Wolf: Today we're gonna be talking about reproduction and its consequences. In order for you to learn what it's like to take care of a ten pound [makes finger quotes] Coach Cherri Wolf: baby, each of you will be taking care of... a ten pound baby. First up, Jerri Blank. Jerri Blank: But I've had plenty of babies. Just none I've carried to full term. Coach Cherri Wolf: Come get the baby, Jerri. Jerri Blank: I don't understand the point of this. Coach Cherri Wolf: The point, Jerri, is for you to learn a valuable lesson. Jerri Blank: Which is? Coach Cherri Wolf: Well, if I told you the lesson, you wouldn't be learning it. I'd be teaching it. Orlando Pinatubo: You should run for homecoming queen, Jerri. Jerri Blank: What? Are you joking? I don't think I'm what the boys consider a traditional beauty. Orlando Pinatubo: In my country, you'd be a real queen. Jerri Blank:
Yeah, well, that's cause your country's ruled by monkeys.
Orlando Pinatubo: Jerri, that's an ugly thing to say. Jerri Blank: Geez, why are you people so sensitive about your resemblance to monkeys? They're adorable. Chuck Noblet: Can anyone tell me the tragic irony of the Trojan War? Tina? Tina: Um, that horses are friendly creatures yet a hollow, wooden one was used to destroy Troy? Chuck Noblet: Wrong and no. Anyone else? Chip? Chip: That the mighty warrior Achilles was killed by a small cut to his ankle. Chuck Noblet: Chip is wronger. OK, here it is. The tragic irony of the Trojan War is that though it was fought over Helen, who was young and beautiful, by the time they rescued her ten years later, she was old and ugly. Tina: But wasn't recovering the king's wife reward enough for the Greeks? Chuck Noblet: Tina, an ugly woman is never a reward. [Jerri is running for homecoming queen] Jerri Blank: I was nominated today. Sara Blank: Oh Jerri, I'm sorry. Kids can be so cruel in their pranks. I'll have your father call Principal Blackman tomorrow. Jerri Blank: It wasn't a prank. It's for real, stepmother. And I have a good chance at winning. Sara Blank: Of course you do, darling. And I'm a caribou. Geoffrey Jellineck: If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola. Jerri Blank: And as for that little redheaded spitfire, Tammi Littlenut, well - let's just say the carpet matches the drapes. [Grunts] Jerri Blank: [to Jellineck, in prison] My asshole's is hungry, baby. Poppy Downes: You just gave me away? Jerri Blank: No, no, never. I traded you for a guitar. God, and all these years I've wondered, "What happened to that guitar?" Mr. Chuck Noblet: It's unthinkable, the atrocities that the Native Aamericans committed against the buffalo. No one is certain what exactly the Native Americans did to the poor creatures, but whatever it was, it caused the buffalo to become so depressed, that when the white men came, the buffalo committed suicide by jumping in front of the white men's muskets. Mr. Chuck Noblet: You're new here, so let me lay it down for you. I run a pretty tight ship around here. Thats why the student call me "the hammer". Orlando Pinatubo: We don't call you that. Mr. Chuck Noblet: Shut up. Derrick Blank: Lets go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back. Jerri Blank: