黑爵士之时空穿梭记 (1999) 5.9

Blackadder: And THAT [kicks Shakespeare] Blackadder: is for Ken Branagh's endless, four-hour version of Hamlet. William Shakespeare: Who's Ken Branagh? Blackadder: I'll tell him you said that, and I think he'll be rather hurt... Blackadder: And here is a front page of Macbeth, signed by William Shakespeare himself. Lady Elizabeth, George, Darling: Who? Melchett: Oh, come on, you know this... he's the fellow who invented the ball-point pen. George: Well you certainly won the bet, Blackadder. Here's your 10,000 francs... Blackadder: What do you mean, "francs?" George: What do you mean "What do I mean, 'francs'?" Darling: We've been using francs for over 200 years. Melchett: Yes, ever since Wellington lost the battle of Waterloo. Blackadder: [after discovering that Baldrick's undies caused the extinction of the dinosaurs] That's another one of life's great mysteries solved: the dinosaurs were in fact wiped out... by your pants. Blackadder: Just one question... What makes you so great? Robin Hood: 'Cos I'm ME, man. Baldrick: You know how when you're drowning, and your life flashes in front of your eyes? Well, what I was thinking is that you could dunk your head in a bucket of water and if you held it down till just before you died, you could see how the levers were and get us home. Blackadder: Excellent plan, Baldrick, with perhaps one slight modification... [Punches Baldrick and shoves his head in a bucket of water] Baldrick: I'm 18, I've just left Nursery School. I'm 25, I'm back in Nursery School. Blackadder: Last one in gets hacked to death by Rod Stewart's great-great-grandfather. Blackadder: [punches Shakespeare]

185

That is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years. Have you any idea how much suffering you're going to cause? Hours spent at school desks trying to find *one* joke in "A Midsummer's Night Dream", wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying things like, "What ho, my Lord," and, "Oh, look, here comes Othello talking total crap as usual."

fe4

[to a Tyrannosaurus Rex] Blackadder: Sod off. [Blackadder enters the time machine, and congratulates Baldrick on his work] Baldrick: I followed Mr Da Vinci's instructions to the letter. Blackadder: Even though you can't actually read. Baldrick: No, but I have done a lot of Airfix models in my time. Blackadder: You really are as thick as clotted cream, that's been left out by some clot, and now the clots are so clotted, you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter, aren't you, Baldrick? Blackadder: May I present to you, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Sir Rodney Tricycle thought to himself, "I'm bored of walking. I think I'll invent something with three wheels and a bell, and name it after myself": the time machine. Blackadder: [trying to be friendlier towards Shakespeare at their second encounter] I'm a very big fan Bill. William Shakespeare: Thank you. Blackadder: Keep up the good work. King Lear... very funny. [Blackadder, on pain of death, must produce a present for Elizabeth I. He opens his wallet and shows the queen some plastic cards] Blackadder: Now these may not look much. Queen Elizabeth: They don't. Blackadder: [nervously] No, but... umm... umm... well, well let's say... let's say... let's say that there was a place where you could buy absolutely everything. Melchett: [laughing] We already have those Blackadder and they're called markets. Blackadder: Right, right. Well, imagine that but times ten. As it were a "super" market. Blackadder: [holds up a blue Tesco Clubcard] Now if you gave someone at one of these "super" markets this... he would give you some "bonus points". Which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price. Queen Elizabeth: Kill him. Blackadder: Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan. Baldrick: Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning? Blackadder: Yes it is. Baldrick: Hmm... that's cunning. George: [as Roman officer in deleted scene, speaking of the Scots] Great spirit of Jupiter! Our culture is centuries ahead of theirs. Why, we have toilets... and wipe our bottoms with vinegar-soaked sponges. Blackadder: Yes... and they wipe their bottoms with Roman soldiers! Queen Elizabeth: Go forth! And bring back more... minty things!

25

George