I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay. And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.
George Carlin: [On the security questions asked at the airport] "Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?" No, usually the night before a travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there unattended for several hours, just for good luck. George Carlin: Here's another guy thing that sucks. These t-shirts that say: "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You ever see that? This is more of that stupid Marine Corps bullshit. Obsolete, male impulses from a hundred thousand years ago, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You know what I do when I see that shirt; I obstruct. I stand right in the guy's path, force him to walk around me, he gets a little past me, I spin him around kick him in the nuts, rip off his shirt, wipe it on my ass, and shove it down his fucking throat. Hey, listen that's all these marines are looking for; a good time. George Carlin: Here's another example of overprotection. You ever notice on the TV-news every time some guy with an AK47 strolls on to a school yard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day... the next day the school in overrun with counsellors, and psychiatrics, and grief counsellors, and trauma therapists trying to help the child cope. Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us; we went right on with our arithmetic: "35 classmates minus 4... equals 31". We were tough. George Carlin: I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bull shit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck". George Carlin: Remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about. George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man, living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time... But he *loves you*. George Carlin: I decided to look around for something else to worship; something I can really count on and immediately I thought of the sun. Happened like that [snaps fingers] George Carlin: , overnight, I became a sun worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night... but first thing the next morning. [about airport security] George Carlin: They'll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife. Well, what the fuck is that? In fact, there is a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chainsaw, six knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they're going to say to you is, "That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you."