advertisement [spying on Mary] Pat Healy: Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative. [after Mary addresses Ted by name] Ted: I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name. [after Mary asks Ted to the prom] Ted: [narrating] From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light. High School Pal Bob: You're a fuckin' liar! Dom: Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary? Mary's Step-Father: Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass! Ted: What about Brett Fav... ruh? [Pretending to like retarded kids] Pat Healy: Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going. Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times? Mary: Didn't we just do that? Ted: Oh, uh... Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted! Dom: Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you. [Pointing to large dog in back seat] Pat Healy: Does he bite? Sully: A little bit. Get in. Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink? Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't... Mary: You've been to Nepal? Pat Healy: Not in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place. [Tossing drug-laced doggie treats into Mary's apartment] Pat Healy: Wait... how many is this? Norm: Umm... four. Pat Healy: Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him? Norm: I never said that. Pat Healy: ...eh. [tosses another through the window anyway] Magda: The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker. Mary: Who needs him? I've got a vibrator! Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs? Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video. Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs. Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going. Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man? Ted: I would go for the 7. Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk. Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that? Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B". Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh? [Hitchhiker convulses] Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel. Ted: That - good point. Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office. Ted: Why? Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired! Ted: I think I still want to look her up. Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts? Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug. Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous. Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan? Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too. Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale! Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna. [When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers] Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans? Ted: I don't know, both I guess. Warren: [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans! Warren: Have you seen my baseball? [Ted, Pat, and Tucker have all gone gaga over Mary] Pat Healy: [to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this fuck [Ted] Pat Healy: outta the fuckin' picture! Jonathan: His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. / His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. / They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo, / But there's something about Mary that they don't know. / Mary, there's just something about Mary. Mary's Step-Father: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank? Mary: Did you mean what you said up there? Ted: Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary. Mary: But I'd be happiest with you. Ted: What about Bret Fahvera...? Mary: What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan! Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here? Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass. Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter? Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead. Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted. [to her girlfriends] Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up. Brenda: "Fatty who likes golf and beer." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that? Ted: He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time! [after telling Mary that he's an architect] Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion. Mary: And what's that? Pat Healy: I work with retards. Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect? Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with. Ted: So you're moving down to Miami? Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer. Ted: With who? Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni. Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat? Pat Healy: It *was*. They're changing their image. Mary: Is that... is that hair gel? Ted: I had my window? Norm: Really? Where would I have seen your work? Pat Healy: Well, have you been to, uh well, let me see... Santiago, Chile? Norm: Twice last year. Which building's yours? Pat Healy: Are you familiar with the soccer stadium? Norm: Did you build the Estadio Olimpico? Pat Healy: No, just down the street the Celinto Catayente Towers. It's quite a fine example, in fact. I recommend that next time you're up that way that you drop in and take a gander at it yourself. [first lines] Ted: [voice over] When I was 16 years old, I fell in love. [last lines] Magda: What are you doing? Magda's boyfriend: That's my girl he's kissing. Magda: But you just slept with me. Magda's boyfriend: I was only boning you to get to Mary. Paramedic in 1985: We got a bleeder! Ted: I'm telling you, I did not solicit sex! I was just stopping to go the bathroom, next thing I know I tripped over something - well someone - and, POOF, there's cops and lights and... Detective Stabler: Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe you. The problem is we found your friend in the car [referring to the dead body found in Ted's car, unbeknown to Ted was left by the hitchhiker] Ted: [Ted has no idea the hitchhiker left a bag with dead body in his car. He thinks the police is going to charge him with picking hitchhiker, as the hitchhiker told him it was a felony] Oh. The hitchhiker. That's what this is all about. Isn't that just my luck - I get caught for everything. Detective Krevoy: So you admit it? Ted: Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games with you. I could give you a song and dance but what's the point? I did it and we all know it. The hitcher himself told me it's illegal The irony. Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name? Ted: Jeez, I didn't catch it Detective Stabler: So he was a stranger? It was totally random? Ted: He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much trouble am I in? Detective Stabler: First tell us why you did it. Ted: Why I did it? I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was doing the guy a favor. Detective Krevoy: This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted? How many we talking? Ted: Hitchhikers? I don't know - fifty... a hundred maybe - Who keeps track? Hey, I know this is the Bible Belt, but where I come from this is not that big a deal. Detective Krevoy: You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry! Warren: [as Ted is being taken on a stretcher to the ambulance] He was masturbating! He was masturbating! Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why? Ted: Cause I'm tired... Dom: Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck you're head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that. Stripper: Go to hell! Norm: Haha I love it when you talk dirty to me, man. Ted: [referring to the zipper incident] I never told you that. Dom: Well Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away. Pat Healy: [after hearing Tucker抯 conversation with Mary] Your gonna pay, fucker.