Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed(1998)

Jeff Foxworthy: I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked. Jeff Foxworthy: I don't even know how Jell-O works. [laughter] Jeff Foxworthy: Let me tell you what I'm talking about. Any other liquid that you put into the refrigerator or the freezer, and it turns into a solid; if you take it back out, it will go back to a liquid. Not Jell-O. Once Jell-O becomes... [wobbles his hands] Jeff Foxworthy: ...Jell-O, it is Jell-O for eternity! The only *possible* way to turn it back into a liquid is to put it in your mouth and go... [makes sucking noises; cheers from the audience] Jeff Foxworthy: I feel so much better knowing so many of you know what I'm talking about. Actually, I told that joke the other night, and a woman in the front row went, "It will go back to a liquid if you put in the microwave." [bewildered look] Jeff Foxworthy: How do you acquire this knowledge? You sittin' around with friends eating Jell-O, and one of them says "Oh, this Jell-O is good," and she says, "Oh, if you think it's good cold, you ought to put it in the microwave"? This woman is out driving tonight! That scares the hell out of me! Jeff Foxworthy: You break into my house, I *will* shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling *why* she shot you. Jeff Foxworthy: By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family. Jeff Foxworthy: If you see a house with the grass is this tall [about three feet] Jeff Foxworthy: , with a dog tied to the clothesline and a motor swinging from a tree, buddy that is a house where a GUN lives, and in order to find out what kind of gun, all you have to do is crawl in through my window after dark. Jeff Foxworthy: People like to cut their grass real close to the ground so they can see intruders coming, I say let it grow so the guy won't know there's a house there. Jeff Foxworthy: [about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day. Jeff Foxworthy: At 5 years old my daughter not only got a computer but can use it! Remember what we got when we were five? We got that wooden paddle with a red rubber ball tied to it with a rubber band. Now there's determination. [mimicking using a paddle ball] Jeff Foxworthy: One, two, three, one, two, three... and after about five times the rubber band would break, the ball would go flying and break something and you'd get a spanking with the paddle!