威尔和葛蕾丝 (1998)

  • 美国
  • |
  • 喜剧


  • Grace: You know what my Aunt Pescha would say if she were in this room right now? Will: "Why the hell did my parents name me Pescha"? Sam: The last time I saw you, you were THIS big... but you were on a hill and I was far away. Grace: You need to find a better hobby than outing robots. Will: C-3PO wasn't gay, he was British. Jack: Women, can't live with them... end of sentence. Grace: And I was at Bloomingdale's this morning waiting on line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity looking thing bumps into me and says, "Excuse me, ma'am." Jack: For your information, most people who meet me do not know that I am gay. Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay. Jack: Grace, when you first met me, did you know I was gay? Grace: My dog knew. Jack: Let's touch tummies! Will: You are so Markie Post in every single Lifetime movie. Grace: I want to marry...攖he one." Karen: And well you should, honey. How else are you going to get to "the two" and "the three"? Karen: Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning. Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from 45 minutes of butt-robics, I give you my ass. Jack: Heard that. I am metaphorically curled up in the fetal position and you continue to kick me about the ear, nose, and throat? Karen: Oh Minnie Driver, who ever told you, you could pull off a leather jumpsuit? Will: Grace, go to bed. You obviously have had a very busy day of crazy. Karen: Hey Poodle. Jack: Who's your daddy? Karen: You are. [Jack is angry with Karen] Karen: Hi, poodle. Jack: Mm. How are you? [to Grace] Jack: Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy? Grace: [confused] His name is Martin Adler. Karen: [looking into a mirror] Hello Starshine. Karen: [to Grace] Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearin'. Will: Ow. Grace: What? Will: Could we talk about your toenails? Grace: I'm sorry. I'll cut them. Will: Don't you need them for tree climbing and warding off predators? Jack: Mipanko Grace: Ok, here's the Thanksgiving menu so far: apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry tart, and ice-cream roll. What am I missing?... Cake. We need cake. Will: Did you take a bong hit before you wrote that? Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay. Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless? Karen: I think you're missing the silver lining here. When you're old and in diapers, a gay son will know how to keep you away from chiffon and backlighting. Grace: Will, my love for you is like this scar, (points at elbow) ugly, but permanent. Karen: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me? Cheryl: Mrs. Walker? Cheryl Bricker-Fossberg, Taylor and Hayden's mom. Karen: I have no idea what you just said. Mrs. McFarland (Jack's mom): [to Jack] Well, you always were very fond of the nursery rhyme, 'Rub-a-Dub-Dub, Three Men In A Tub.' [while watching basketball on TV] Grace: Have you seen Matt yet? Will: Yeah, he's right there, right on the sidelines. Just four clicks left of Spike Lee. Just right beside that little girl and her grandpa. Jack: Uh, that's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. Will: No, no. I don't want to have sex with you. Jack: Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I explain this? Okay, when a man and a man love each other very much... Will: No, no... Psychic Sue said I was going to spend the rest of my life with a guy named Jack. Jack: Jack who? Will: Jack you. Jack: Jack me? Will: No thanks. [Trying to start up her Uncle Jerry's old car] Grace: Okay, here we go... that's weird. Will, what do you think is wrong? Karen: Oh, my God. She just asked a Fairy an engine question. We're all gonna die in this car. Will: Karen, you're not going to die. It would take a silver bullet and a wooden stake to do that. Jack: I WOULD DIE, I WOULD JUST DIE! [Ellen asked Grace to baby-sit her kids but is now upset because she assumed Will would be there as well and he is out of town and she no longer wants Grace to do it] Ellen: You know what I just realized? Rob's sister can probably do it. She lives closer to us anyway. Grace: Judy? The one who has to turn the lights on 14 times or the oceans will dry up? Karen: Ellen, why would you leave your kids with someone who has such an important job? [Will and Jack have bought a place in the country and are now trying to escape their crazy neighbours] Will: Come on, Jack, let's try the back door. Jack: Will Truman! Coming on to me at a time like this! [Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss] Jack: [to Vince] We know what's goin' on. Grace: Yeah, we know your filthy secret. Dennis: Vince, I want your ass in aisle five. [Grace gasps] Dennis: And bring the mop. [Jack gasps] Jack: Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else? [Karen is offended because Grace said that she, Karen, could not be trusted as a babysitter] Grace: Look, Karen, I'm sorry, but taking care of children is a huge responsibility. It's more "Tickle Me, Elmo" and less...擫et's fill Elmo up with drugs and smuggle him across the border." Karen: Where the hell have you been? Rosario: Riding a llama in Neverland. Where do you think? I was cleaning. [Karen is waiting up for Rosario, who has been out cleaning another man's apartment] Karen: Well, well, well. El Pollo has come home to roost. How's Beverly? Rosario: Miss Karen, I was just... Karen: Oh, don't insult me with your lies. I know where you were. Scrubbing floors for Beverly Leslie. I can smell his generic cleaning products all over you. Rosario: It's not what you think. Karen: Oh, really? Is that a new Members Only jacket you're wearing? Rosario: So what if it is? A lady likes nice things. [Karen has just messed up Beverly's pool shot] Beverly Leslie: I would have made that shot. Karen: Aww, tell it to the Marines, if you already haven't. Liz: So I had this apartment to myself for 10 years because I was having an affair with my boss and he paid half the rent so he'd have some place nice to do it. But then he got murdered... and I couldn't really afford it on my own. So what's your story? Karen: Since my marriage ended I've been living at The Palace and even though I've made a lot of swell friends... it's lonely. [Karen tries to pour a soda into a glass without opening it] Karen: I want a real home, with real people. I mean you're real, right? Liz: [Liz opens the soda... Karen looks in awe as she pours the soda] Super real. So, okay, true or false? I'm easy to live with. Karen: Um, true! Liz: False! I'm a nitpicker supreme. I think it comes from all my years as a professional in the music biz. Karen: You're in music? Liz: I didn't want to put it on the ad because you get all these wannabees knocking on the door. I'm an office manager for the company that does those collections that you see on TV. You know "Hits of the 80's", "Ladies of the 80's", "Rock Ballad's of the 80's"...攖he 90's". Karen: Well I can see why you'd want to keep that a secret Liz. I mean you must really never know if people are liking you for you or the 80's hits. Liz: You should know that I like things done a certain way, just ask Melissa and Keith. They work under me. Like if they're 5 minutes late for work, I look at my watch, I look at them and they just get it. Oh my God I totally just bragged. Please tell me to shut up... cut to me still talking about myself. Karen: Um, Liz, I know we haven't known each other very long, but I think, that you might be, just about the most interesting person I've ever met... I could learn tons from you. Liz: Okay, okay, true or false... I think you're great? Karen: Um, false. Liz: True! Karen: Oh this game is so hard! Karen: Wow that may have been the greatest day of my life. I love errands. They're like mini-adventures for undesirables. Liz: Okay so your half of the bill is $45 and don't try rounding down like my last roommate cuz that is just f-ed up. Karen: Well you don't have to worry about me Liz, I intend to pull my own weight around here. Liz: Now did you take a look at the chore wheel? Cuz you're in charge of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower. Karen: Wow, how did I go my whole life without ever learning any of those words. Liz: Karen you shouldn't of bought this cheesecake I'm like totally eating healthy this week. Ugh! Cut to me eating this whole cheesecake. Karen: Oh Liz, I love when you do "cut to me". Liz: Everybody does. Karen: [pulling out a jug of wine] Oh Lizzy, I rented us a video Liz: You are gonna get me into so much trouble. Karen: If you're lucky! Liz: You're crazy! Karen: Like a fox! Liz: I doubt it! Karen: You wish! Liz: Don't I ever! Karen: You and what army? [Karen has a huge laugh] Karen: Oh Lizzy. Grace: Pam, did you fax over the drawings to the cabinaker yet? Pam: Right after my smoke break. Grace: I already told you, there is no smoking here. Pam: It is part of my religion. Karen: Smoking in the office... how inappropriate! Hey does anyone mind if I take my boob out for a second? Grace: It's one thing at dinner Karen but work is wher I draw the line. Karen: Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm. Jack: [rolls eyes and does so] Karen: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm devastated, too. Jack: Mmm, it does, thanks. Will: Hey, Rob, tell me, does my butt look huge in these jeans? Rob: I don't know. Will: No, seriously, am I shaped like a pear? Rob: Dude, I'm a guy, I don't know. Just get some pants that fit and leave me alone. Jack: Will, Will, Will, buy me a computer. I want one in tangerine to match the shoes you're going to get me later. Jack: Will, I told you. You live with a hetero long enough, you're going to catch it. Karen: It's Stan. He needs blood for a bypass. And... he needs it drawn slowly by a large pointy needle. Grace: Um... Um, I - I - I - I doubt that - that I would even match. I've got - I've got a very rare blood type. Karen: I'm sure it'll be fine. Grace: What type do they need? Karen: What type do you have? Grace: What type do they need? Karen: What type do you have? Grace: Um, AB-negative. Karen: That's the type they need. Will: Look at this. I'll bet Courtney Love has probably peed in this very toilet. Grace: Or, at the very least, around it. Cheryl: I think you are awful. Karen: Oh yeah? Well I think stretch pants are awful, but I am too much of a lady to say it, FAT ASS. [to Jack] Karen: Could you believe that? [scoffs] Karen: Some people, so tactless. Will: Did you eat salami today? Grace: No. Did you wash your face with ugly soap? Jack: Now you're talkin' Jackanese. Sissy: Damn it, why does everyone out grow me? Karen: Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to. Bobbi Adler: Now Grace, I don't want you to freak out, but the biggest day of your life is ruined. Grace: What? Bobbi Adler: Your father's back went out. Grace: Well how is he going to walk me down the aisle? Bobbi Adler: Oh don't worry, we'll just put a pastrami sandwhich in the pews and he'll find his way there. Karen: [sympathetically] Oh, Grace... Grace: What? Karen: Nothing, I just thought it needed an "Oh, Grace". Karen: [to Gillian the intern] Hi, honey. Sit down! Gillian: What's going on, what's happening, what's this all about? Karen: I've got something tough to tell you. Uh, I'm fabulous, okay? I'm an incredible dresser, I've got buckets of money, I'm a hoot and a half, and I've got a killer rack. Do you get what I'm saying? Gillian: Not really. Karen: Honey, you're not me, and you never will be. Gillian: [pointing to her chest] Is it the rack? Karen: [laughing and shaking her head] "It's a big part of it. Now, you're never going to be me, but, you got a good chance to be Grace, and that's nothing to sneeze at, honey, you shouldn't throw it away so quickly." Gillian: But Grace, she's just not us. Karen: Bup-bupbupbupbupbup, watch your mouth, or I'll wash it out with cheap vodka. That's my little girl you're talking about. Now, Grace is a damn good role model. She's bright, she's successful, she's the worst dresser in the whole wide world, she's talented and I look up to her. Honey, why else would I be here? Gillian: You told me it's because you hate being home with Stan and the kids. Karen: [laughing and shaking her head] It's a big part of it. Gillian: Hey, can I still use the word "honey"? Karen: What? Ohhhhhhhh no. Grace: [right after Will came out] That's not a compliment! A compliment is "You're sexy. You turn me on"! not Not "One look at you and I know I'm queer"! Grace: [right after Will comes out] "Hindsight"? Is that one of your gay words? Will: [after telling about how he and Grace got in a fight when he came out] Then we didn't talk for a year. Pam: Wow. Karen: Yeah. Good times. Jack: Tom's queer, dear. Karen: Well, you're all boring and I'm fun. I'm going back to the kids. Smell you all later. Barry: Aren't his abs fabulous? Will: Did he just? Jack: yeah... yeah he did... Will: Baby's first fabulous! Karen: The kids eill be fine. I left the limo window cracked. Grace: [to friend after Will tells her he's gay] How could I not have known? He was Boy George for Halloween, he has a diffuser on his hairdryer, and he's prettier than me. Grace: Where's Daddy? Bobbi Adler: Oh, he's in Conneticut. Aunt Rose threatened to die. Jack: [to Will over the phone before Will comes out] Well, if you're wanting to make muskrat love with your girlfriend, why are you on the phone with me? Will: [silent] Jack: Yeah. I thought so. You're my new best friend; call me every five seconds! Grace: [when her mom tells her that Will can't sleep in her room] Mom! This isn't fair! Bobbi Adler: Well niether is my cottage cheese ass! Grace: Why is that your answer to everything? Jack: [to Will, trying to get him to admit he's gay] You're Marvin Gay! And let me tell you, there ain't no closet big enough! Karen: By your inflection I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but... No. Karen: [storming angrily out of the Principal's Office] You dragged me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll? Honey, my time is precious, call me when one of them gives birth at the prom! Jack: [mimicking phone call] Hello, "Day-Old News?" Yeah, I'd like to cancel Will Truman's subscription. Yeah. he's going to be giving his business to "Behind the Times." OK. OK, OK. OK. I love you, too. Bye-bye. Jack: [mimicing phone call] Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Thanks for calling. Will: Got a hot date? Jack: No, but the guy who's dating me does. Jack: Chow mein. Jack: I cost a little more but I'm worth it. Jack: I think I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just a second [mimics throwing up] Jack: okay, babe, what we're you saying? Will: [in commercial voice] How do you stop unwanted homosexuals from invading YOUR office? Karen: It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency. Karen: Oh, coulda shoulda Prada! Karen: Hey Hey Hey Hey, This is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it! Karen: Sorry I'm late. Oh God, that sounded insincere... I'm late! Jack: Haley Joel Osment, you look fantastic! Will: Okay, final tally is: Me - DE DEEDLE DE DE DE! You - WAH WAH WAAAAAAH! Karen: It's not something you can just run away from like a hotel bill or a crying baby. Jack: Are you done? Wait a minute let me rephrase that. You're done! Jack: [gasps] That was you taking my breath away! Karen: I'd give you a credit card, but I used my AmEx to hit a face I didn't like. Jack: Woah Woah Woah Shift It Back! Jack: Will Truman, don't think that we didn't see you and your big forehead sneaking out of that party last night! Karen: You say potato, I say vodka. [Leo has invited Grace to go with him on his Doctors without Borders trip] Leo: Grace, it's what I do. And you're who I do. I just want to be able to do who I do while I do what I do. Karen: [Karen and Nathan meet in the elavator for the first time] Going down? Nathan: You get right to the point. Karen: [Karen thinks for a minute] I like you. Jack: [High on coffee, and saying speedily] Hey, friends, lovers, mothers and other strangers, you are not going to believe what just happened to me... Oh, my God, did you just see that? I almost did a half nelson, I almost bruised my delicates, my delicates, my domo arigatos, Mr tomatoes. Huge News! I have met, are you ready for this, Mr Right, well, Mr Right Now. Good night, folks, I'm here all week, Jack He works at the Jumpin Java - you know, the coffee shop on seventy second and his name is Paul and he is cute with a capital Q! And the busier it gets, the hotter he gets, and the hotter he gets the sweatier he gets, and the sweatier he gets... I forgot where I'm goin with this, but the main point is me likey he and he likey me and the best part of schezam, he gives me free iced coffee every time I go in which is every hour on the hour, good nights, and occasionally on the half hour. Ba ba ba ba ba [blows raspberry] Karen: Driver, turn up the heat, there's a nip in the air back here. [looks at breasts] Karen: Oh, make that two! [Lyle walks in] Lyle Finster: There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire. [Karen rolls her eyes] Lyle Finster: Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area. Karen: Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here. Grace: [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday. Lyle Finster: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Lyle Finster. Grace: Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you. Karen: That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch. Lyle Finster: I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips. Karen: What? Give it back! [Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling] Grace: If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums. Karen: Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just taking back my - [realizes] Karen: Hey! Lyle Finster: Karen, I'm lost without you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at the end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying. Grace: Really, I'm uncomfortable. Karen: It's never gonna happen between us, Lyle. So beat it. Lyle Finster: Very well. But I'll never forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak... Grace: Please, one of us has to go! Karen: Get out. Lyle Finster: Very well. But know this: Every vagina... Grace: GET OUT! Jack: You're caring and loving... Will: You're just saying that to make me feel better. Jack: No I'm not. I mean, what would I get out of that? Jack: So we need to get them back together, but how? Pretend to think, pretend to think. Karen: Pretend to care, pretend to care. Jack: Oh, I've got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together. Karen: Oh honey, that's genius, write that down. Oh, wait, not on that, that's for Will and Grace, that's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party. Jack: Oh yeah, I got one of these too. Anyway, enough about that. We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? Ow, I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace. Karen: Focus. We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to. Now, what do they both like? Jack: Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake. Karen: Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake? [takes a sip of wine] Karen: Oh, shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party. [pauses] Karen: Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Jack: I don't know, are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you? Karen: Okay that's just freaky. Grace: That's not a complement. A compliment is "you're sexy", "you turn me on", not "one look at you proves I'm a queer". Peter: You know, you have the most beautiful smile. Grace: Oh, it's - it's a little crooked. [smiles big] Peter: Now, so was Audrey Hepburn's. Grace: Oh, come on now. I hate my smile. [smiles bigger] Will: Well, then, stop smiling. Grace: Tonight I'm gonna be better. I know it. Look, I've been playing with myself and I feel much more confident. Will: Funny, it just makes me feel sleepy. Ben Doucette: You have till Friday, Will. Will: Friday... Like in Friday? Ben Doucette: No, Friday like in Thursday, but I'll give you till Friday. Will: That sounds fun. What time is it on? Jack: Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-latelys. Will: Oh, please, please, please, can't I be a flouncing geek, too? Will: No one can stand playing with you. You're bad, you get taco sauce all over the cards, and at this point you're down so much, you're paying people in turquoise jewelry. And except for Larry, none of us want it. Will: Ben Doucette, Karen Walker. Ben Doucette: I know Mrs. Walker. Karen: Oh, yeah... I remember you. Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening. You were the bartender. Yeah. Ben Doucette: No, you just gave me your drink order. Karen: Yeah... and I'm still waiting for it. Will: That's why I should never meet a legend. It's always disappointing, like the time I met Big Bird at the Ice Capades. Not so big. Karen: Honey, when I agreed to drive you to the set, you didn't say it was on Staten Island. How the hell am I ever gonna get the stench of landfill and working class families out of tropical lightweight wool? Will: Well, good for you, Jack. What's the video about? Jack: It's a hard hitting look at sexual harassment in the workplace. Will: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm sorry, Jack. Sexual harassment? Starring the guy that asked his coworker at Starbucks if he had 2 nipples for a dime? Grace: Look, my choices were flawless, and if your client can't see that, then he is guilty of extremely bad taste, and isn't that the real crime here today? Will: Gracie, there is no... Grace: Objection. The familiar cutening of my name implies we like each other. Grace: The only reason you were offered a job, is so that he can slither out of the lawsuit. Will: Of course. That ruthless bastard offered me a 5-year contract, paid vacation, a huge signing bonus, all to make a dispute over slipcovers go away. How could I have been so blind. Grace: Why do your people always go to sarcasm first? Karen: I know what this is. This is the work of our limp wrested lawyer, WILL TRUMAN. Jack: Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you. [after hearing from a psychic they will spend the rest of their lives together Will and Jack are setting ground rules] Will: Sex is out of the question. I don't even like seeing your head poke through your sweater. [Jack has been annoying Will] Jack: Ooh. Barracuda. What crawled up your culottes? Will: Nothing crawled up my culottes. It's just that you're two inches from my head, polluting my brain with your inane ramblings and buzzing through those chips like some queer gopher. Karen: Hey, what's going on here? I'm sensing a mood. Grace: Well, Will thinks that I'm taking advantage of... Karen: - Yeah, save it honey. We'll crack it open later when we're desperate. Cher: Ya know dude, it is a little weird that you are talking to my doll. Jack: Um I don't think that I need a drag queen to define normal behavior. But I will say this, the look, is flawless. Cher: Whatever. Jack: Ohh. Working the attitude. OK, you're good. Cher: I've had a lot of practice. Jack: Hey hey. You're not that great Mister Sister. I do a better Cher than you. Cher: Ya think so? Jack: Actually it's "You think so, hooooooooooooooe" Cher: Are you kidding me with this? Jack: OK, the hand is perfect, but it's more "are you kidding me with this, hoooooooooooe" Cher: Get a life. [walks away then turns around] Cher: [sings] If I could turn back time. Jack: [clears throat to sing] If I could turn back time, hoooooooooooe. Time hoooooooe. Time hoooooe. Time hoooooe. Cher: [slaps Jack] Snap out of it! [she leaves; Jack realizes who she really was and faints] Karen: It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girls says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way." Boy says, "Okay how about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?" Grace: [sobbing] I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. And all the people are pigs. And I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty. Grace: If you're looking for your Aunt Karen, she's not here. She doesn't work on days that end with...攄ay." Bill: Jack. You're hitting on me. Jack: I'm shocked. And appalled. But are you interested? Jack: I fooled around with Josh. Grace: What? Jack: Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it. Will: There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui. Grace: What does that mean? Will: I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy. Jack: He's a smarty pants, Will... he uses big words like 'particularly' and 'delicatessen.' Grace: What you're feeling are pangs of guilt. Karen: What? Grace: Guilt. Oh, boy. Ok. How am I gonna explain this one? Uh... guilt is an emotion that - Ok. Jumping ahead. An emotion is something that... Karen: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like "maternal" or "addiction." Grace: This would be us three weeks into marriage. 'Will, I'm having an affair'. Will: 'Me too'. Grace: 'His name's Donald'. Will: 'Me too.'. Will: Grace, do you want to sleep with me? Grace: I'm sorry, I don't sleep with gay men. Will: Oh, see, that's the problem. I do. Jack: I can't believe I'm Do you know how much that is in gay years? Jack: I bitch-slapped the law, and the law won. [Karen is showing her breasts to a woman] Grace: Karen, what are you doing? Karen: She started it. Grace: Karen, she's breast feeding. Karen: Oh... That would explain the little bald man. Karen: Oh kids ruin everything. I mean look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button. Karen: You know, may there is an alligator running around with me as a handbag... I mean who knows what they do with my old skin... Karen: Grace Alden. I'm ashamed... Grace: Adler. My last name is Adler. Karen: Oh... That's pretty. Jack: Holy Anne Heche Laffoon he's straight. [watching slides in her bedroom, depressed] Grace: This was my puppy, BoBo. He got run over by a truck. Lucky bastard. Owen: Actually it was more the gay-guy-feel-the-delts-bend-at-the-waist-check-out-the-shoes hug. [Describing his ideal man] Jack: I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he's rich and thin. [a man rushes in to meet Karen] Man: Miss Walker, I came as soon as you called. Karen: Well that's really none of my business, but thanks for sharing. Jack: They say Jack is a wise man, Jack is a dangerous man, Jack is a great man, no. - Jack is just a man. A man who knows men who like men. Will: Jack, just pour the milk. It's cereal, not dynamite. Grace: On Christmas Eve, grandma lost both her legs to diabetes. Jack: And then on Christmas Day, she lost both her feet. Karen: I'm still waiting on that drink. Ben Doucette: Something tells me you haven't been waiting. Will: Grace, if you want to lose weight, try my diet. Whenever I want to eat I have a friend come over and steal my food. Jack, Grace: He's talking about you. Rosario: [to Karen] Why don't I just squeeze you like a sponge. There's probably enough alcohol in you to fill a hot-tub. Will: Grace, you are in no way to blame for your sisters metabolism. Or her epic ass. Will: So, what do you think about my therapist? Grace: I like him. I like him like I like the Statue of Liberty. I know he's there but I don't need to see him all the time. Will: Interesting analogy. Will: You want to go out tonight? We could grab an Italian. And then go for dinner afterwards. [laughs] Will: Jack, I'm trying to do my job. Yeah, now that's the first time I've ever said 'Jack' and 'job' in a sentence without 'needs to get a' in between. I'm sorry. Grace is upset with her bathroom. Jack: Yeah, cause it's too small for her. It's too small for Malibu Barbie. Will, why don't you just share your bathroom. Ya know, I think that's the first time I've said 'Will' and 'share' in a sentence without 'doesn't know how to' in between. Grace: [on why she should live with Will] The souper in your building calls me nice lady. Will: He calls me nice lady. Will: Jack, if I'm supposed to stay away from every guy you've ever slept with, that would leave me with... women. Karen: He actually expects me to live on this. Grace: Karen, I think you can learn to live on this. I mean Spain does. Karen: Well, well, well. Look what the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, powdered, lipsticked, Gucci'd and dragged in. Will: It's always "Will and Grace." Will and Grace buy the present. Will and Grace do the speech. "We cordially invite Will and Grace." why don't they ever say "Will and guest"? Grace: Well, who did you want to bring? Will: I don't know! One of the Gap dancers, Aquaman, anyone! Grace: Well, who's stopping you? Will: You are! Because you're so content to play Mrs. Will Truman. I want a husband. I want someone who loves me, a-and a family. I want this, not this! Grace: I do not know where you got the idea that I am your wife, but let me tell you something, if that's true, we've got big martial problems because Mrs. Truman's getting a lot of action on the side. Jack: Guess what I just got off of eBay? Grace: I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual. Jack: As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex, and this year, I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for. Grace: Their money back? Fannie: Chest! Chest! You're not givin' it to me! Grace: I don't have it to give! Will: You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing. It's a miracle, really. So complex. So beautiful.Yow! What is that thing? God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie. Grace: Oh, please. Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens? It don't. Jack: Number of films with full frontal nudity... four! Number of films with full sidal nudity... three! Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless! Jack: You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven. Grace: Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too. Jack: ...but when we get back to New York I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not going through this alone!... again! Karen: I smell liquor on my breath. You're drunk! Will: If I was going to have sex with a woman it'd be Hillary Swank... or Tobey Maguire. Will: "Pansexual"? Isn't that a rest stop on the road to "homo"? Will: Jack, we're going to slap such a lawsuit on her she won't know what hit her... or I could just pants you in public. I'm gonnna go with that. [Karen answers Jack's phone; it's Elliot and he wants to talk to Jack] Jack: No, no, he's gonna - he's gonna try to get me to another one of his basketball games. It's just not my thing. Make up an excuse. Karen: All right. [into the phone] Karen: Um, Elliot... Yeah, I've got some bad news. Jack and I were figure-skating and he plunged through the ice. Haven't heard from him since. Could I take a message? Okay. You're trying out for the cheerleading squad? Jack: [runs over and grabs the phone] Brr, I'm back! Jack: I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean, every time I get in the shower with him he's like, Jack, get the hell out. Karen: I know honey, Grace is driving me nuts too. She can't concentrate on work anymore, she just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses, on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone all the time ordering furniture. Honey, where's she going to put all that, huh? In those "houses" she's drawing? Grace: [to the new house keeper when she shouts at her] At least Mary Poppins did it with a song and a dance - you're like a spoonful of whoopass." [after seeing Karen's mother] Rosario: Santa Maria, it has a mother. Will: I have got, pants down, the best birthday present ever. Karen: Anyone homo? Jack: I am. I am. Grace: Face it Karen, your a racist. Karen: How dare you call me a racist... Karen Walker is no racist... A homophobe... Maybe... But I am no racist [walks to the door and then turns back] Karen: And you can ask anyone I own! [On seeing Jack in an orange jump suit and carrying a garbage bag] Will: And they say Tinky Winky was the only gay Teletubby. [Jack has just seen Karen's enormous closet for the first time] Jack: My God. If my closet were like this I never would have come out of it. Jack: You shouldn't be dancing with him. He's not your stalker, your stalker is still at large. Kevin Bacon: But you fingered this guy. Jack: I did not. We were just holding hands. Your stalker has been throwing pebbles at your window for the past 15 minutes or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud. Kevin Bacon: You... you're my stalker. Jack: I prefer the term 'Professional Crazed Fan'. A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts. Go get yourself a new assistant. If you need me, I'll be in your hamper. Jack: We'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right? Grace: Who isn't? Karen: Where the hell are my slippers? Rosario: Have you looked up your ass, you drunken fool? [Will and Jack walk in on Grace and Karen] Jack: Hey ladies. [to Will and Jack] Karen: Hey ladies. Jack: This makes me feel like a man. Will: Yeah. Jack: No, seriously, I'm going to need a man after we're done. Karen: [on hiring Jack to play a straight man in a commercial] No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy... and ya did 'em. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space. [to Will] Jack: You're the quarterback and I'm just the slutty cheerleader with the nice rack. Will: Oh, I can't believe this. This is only the most important thing we've done together and you flake out on me. I don't know why that's surprising, you're a flake. Grace: All I asked for was one month, one month to see where this is going. Will: Oh let me tell you where this is going. You'll end up hating him in three weeks because, I don't know, he has a weird chest hair pattern, or he doesn't like watching E... Or he'll end up hating you because you're too needy. Then you'll fall apart, I'll pick you up, and then magically, you'll be ready to have a baby. Jack: You sure you don't want to go to Joe and Larry's kid's party? You'll tower over people. Will: I do like to feel tall. Karen: Honey, you're being so spiteful and vindictive. Grace: Compliments? This early in the day? Karen: Oh honey, you're always the life of the party. Oh, speaking of parties, would you like me to "RSTD" to Moe and Mary's? Grace: Uh, I don't know Karen, I'm really not in the party mood. Karen: There'll be a nice cake. Grace: I do like a nice cake. Grace: We're all here for you, right Karen? Karen: Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait? Jack: What? Karen: You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you? Jack: But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie. Karen: Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me. Jack: You're married, I'm gay. Karen: Not in the lie. Jack: Five hundred thousand dollars all in fifties. 2 A Shetland pony died pony blue to match my eyes. 3 Powder Blue Eyes. [Jack and Karen have just had a big fight over the Rosario/Jack divorce case. Jack flounces out of the room but just before... ] Jack: By the way your boobs look great today Karen: [Quickly but cheerfully shows some of her top and cleavage] Thanks it's a one of a kind Jean Pierre just had it shipped in from Paris today. [Pissed off] Karen: NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE. Karen: Poor Jack. How could anyone tease a boy with such lovely eyes. Sweet smile. [Beat] Karen: HAH. JACK MC FAIRYLAND. [whiny kid voice] Karen: Fairy land fairy land Give me your lunch money fairyland or I'll kick your ass. [Karen stops heads over to her chair and sits down] Karen: Kids can be so cruel... Grace: I don't like the view. Will: You just don't like Ben. Grace: That's right the view of Ben. Will: The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama [Grace opens door to reveal Jack] Jack: My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me! Grace: Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor. [Grace exits] Jack: Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street! Will: That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey? Jack: [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye! [Long pause, neither moves] Will: You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you? Karen: Look at that. Will: Karen that's your thigh. Karen: I know. Pretty good isn't it. Jack: We need a good designer. Karen: Do you know any? Jack: Why isn't she speaking? Karen: Because she's hypnotized by her own dress. Karen: You know I had a dream once. To be rich and beautiful and have a great body. Oh look, my dream came true. Karen: Honey that is so sweet... no. Karen: Well don't let it get to your head, your hair is already such a disaster that the Red Cross wouldn't give it coffee. Karen: I'm not going to Queens, there are people living in cabs down there. Elliot: Hey, how ya doing? I'll call ya - or not. [Watching the first gay kiss on network TV] Jack: This is bigger than the moon landing. Will: One giant leap for man-on-man kind. [On: Will & Jack's friendship] Grace: I just don't see how anyone could subject themselves to that kind of abuse on a daily basis. [Karen enters] Karen: Honey, the new place smells of cat pee. Grace: Never mind. Karen: We should spend some time together. Rosario: I don't drink. Jack: My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it. Karen: Grace, my head is spinning. and not in a good way. Grace: OK,let my try an experiment I did in college. [Karen sighs then grabs Grace's face as if she is going to kiss her] Karen: All right one kiss and back to work. Grace: Not that kind of experiment. Grace: [running by] Hi Jack. Bye Jack. Jack: Dad, was that you? Gillian: [talking about Karen] She sends me to the coolest places, right? I mean, like yesterday. She sent me to Tiffany's and Barney's. She even sent me to the dog groomer to get the gray out of her poodle. Well... they couldn't because, well, it's a gray poodle. Grace: I'm sorry. She shouldn't have you running errands. Gillian: No, no. It was great. I mean, the moment I mentioned her name at Barney's, people just started kissing my ass. I got a glass of champagne, a personal shopper, and a Percocet. It was awesome. Grace: Well, you should see what happens when you mention my name at The Rug Barn. You get a glass of cold mint tea and a rough kiss from a guy named Misha. Grace: When we broke up it was for totally different reasons. I wanted to raise the kids Jewish, you wanted to sleep with men. [Will is walking Grace down the aisle] Will: This may be the wrong time to tell you this, but I'm straight. Grace: Don't make me laugh, I'm being photographed. [talking to Jack] Rosario: Hold on Francis Ford Fagola. [to Leo] Karen: Well, look who penetrated the inner-circle. And then he stuck around and married her. Will: Me? I'm not gay. Jack: Well, this well-worn copy of the Dreamgirls soundtrack begs to differ. Bobbi Adler: Oh, and Will, always light matches in the bathroom after poopie-doops. [Jack has gotten glasses] Will: Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. Jack: Boys don't make passes at girls with fat asses. Grace: I don't need to have two gay guys laughing at me. I get enough of that at home Jack: There's a gay bar 8 miles north of here. Karen: Gaydar? Jack: Cop at the toll booth. Jack: [to Grace] I thought you were big foot's cousin big hair. Jack: I don't know Truman it's kind of a turn off. Howabout mary fatjeans? Jack: One day I hope to have a hag of my very own. Karen: Why did I agree to cook for Stan? I must have been sober. That won't happen again. Karen: Husbands come and go but the Chanel slingbacks are for life. Karen: Jack I've spent years and my husbands millions learning about fashion. What are your qualifications? Jack: I'm gay. Karen: Oh honey what would I do without you? Ben Doucette: Yes you will. Will: No I won't. Ben Doucette: Yes you will. Will: No I won't. Ben Doucette: You know, it's a little ironic. Thirty years of legal experience between us, and this is how we argue. And yes you will. [Will, Jack and Karen are playing scrabble] Will: Spramp is not a word Jack. Jack: Yes it is. "Every morning I spramp my face with water" Karen: Well honey, look on the bright side. Grace: What bright side? Karen: Jeez Honey it's just an expression. Karen: Looks like your new sweetie's turned his back on homosexuals. And not in a good way. Karen: It's a cult, like the Moonies, or the homeless. Jack: Wow, Will, you did a great job planning this wedding. [bowing] Jack: I take my pants off to you. Will: What, is the whole city gay? Jack: Not yet, but if all goes according to plan, come tomorrow morning... muhahaha. [Playing poker] Will: Don't you know that a Queen always beats a Straight? Karen: I know. Let's take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless person. Jack: Karen. You are such a female Jesus. Will: You know, this is just like the first Christmas... except that none of us are virgins and instead of a baby Jesus we have a plate of cheeses. Jack: Sex is a drug, Karen. I should know. I'm a licensed dealer. Jack: Mary Kate and Ashley, it's beautiful. [Grace visits Stan in prison] Will: Stay away from the glass, Clarice. Grace: Stop it, you promised you wouldn't do that. Will: I lied. Fssss. Will: Jack, I'm asking you to be my kid's godfather. Or rather, his fairy godfather. Jack: I've always wanted to perform... on the Broadway stage. The wigs, the makeup, the costumes... and then I'd walk to the theater. Will: I don't hate Andy, I like Andy. Grace: Well, Humphrey Bogart liked Ingrid Bergman but he gave her up for the good of the Resistance. Will: Have you been swinging from powerlines? Ben Doucette: Let's talk wine. Karen, you have any preference? Karen: Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick, so you're asking the wrong gal. Will: I just spent an hour with Nathan at the Tight End. Grace: Oh God, if you're gonna tell me he's gay I'm gonna have a freakin' heart attack. Alex: [on the phone] Come on Will, tell the truth, you're actually a married man with wife and kids with no intention to ever see me again. Will: Nothing could be more far away from the truth. Grace: [entering and yelling] Good Morning sweety. Oh my God, is that bacon? I love you, I love you, I love you. Karen: Grace that blouse hurts like a hangover. [Val is making obscene positions in the elevator] Will: Val? What are you doing? Val: Oh, nothing, just a liitle something to the security camera. A liitle gift for the boys in the basement. Jack: Shut up, I do the same thing. Will: I hate to disappoint you both, bu that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector. Grace: Fine, I don't need to go out with you guys. I have a kick ass night planned. Will: OK, ant traps are under the sink. Grace: Thanks. [Grace is asking Will to help her choose a dress] Grace: This one's slitty... this one's slutty... this one's titty... this one's butty. Stranger at the Gay Parade: You see, your drag name is the name of the first pet you had and the name of the first street you lived on. Karen: So mine would be uh... ShuShu Fontanna. [they all laugh] Karen: That's hysterical. Jackie what's yours? Jack: [upset] Glen 125th. [Will is coming out to his boyfriend's boss, who had thought they were brothers. Earlier, Will and Stan changed Stan's will without telling Karen and made it so 1/3 of his money would go to charity] Will: But make no mistake about it, Harry. I am a gay man. I sleep with men. I have no desire to sleep with women... Not now, not ever. Karen: [entering] You screwed me, Will Truman! Will: What? Karen: Oh, don't you play dumb with me. Oh, you stuck it to me but good. Will: Karen... Karen: And he is just so comfortable giving it away, aren't ya? Wow. Single mothers. Homeless women. Sally Struthers? You make me sick! I got news for you people, I'm gonna get him in a room, and I am gonna work that little will until I'm satisfied. Owen: Whoops, my hand seems to be traveling up your thigh towards your ROCKIN' ASS. But who cares right? Cause I'm gay. So it's all right if I tell you you're beautiful, throw you down on this couch and make out with you fiercely, right? Grace: Yup, because you're gay, I should be on top. [Start making out] Grace: Ya know, you're a good kisser for a gay guy, and I've kissed a lot gay guys. [enter Jack with camera] Jack: Got you, you sick straight bastard. Grace: Jack get lost, I'm not done. [after Jack gives him some advice] Will: Thank you, Homo-wan Kenobi. [Will goes to see a psychic] Psychic Sue: I see a man in your life. You're going to spend the rest of your life with this man. Will: Ok, ok, tell me more. Psychic Sue: His name starts with a "J". Like Jake... no Jack. [Will looks sick] Psychic Sue: Do you know anyone named Jack? Will: [looks ready to cry] No... Owen: You don't have any proof. Jack: I have photos. Owen: There's no film in that camera. Jack: Of course there is. [He rips the film out of the camera] Jack: See? Like I'd be stupid enough not to put film in my own camera. [Will is wearing an Abercrombie like shirt] Karen: Oh, Will, there was someone in the elevator asking for you. Oh, yes, it was your youth it wants its shirt back. Jack: Wow, Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream. [Jack is meditating to prepare to tell his mom he's gay] Jack: And now I'm calm. [Here's a knock on the door and learns it's his mother] Jack: Sarah Jessica Parker. Hide me. [Jack doesn't believe that Eliot's mother is gay] Jack: No, it can't be... same something lesbionic. Bonnie: Home Depot. Jack: K.D. Lang you are a lesbian. Grace: No, he is not laughing at you. He is laughing with me, who is laughing at you. [Jack lost Will's boyfriend's dog and Will and Jack are trying to figure out what to do when he knocks on the door] Jack: Maybe it's not Paul. Paul: Hi, it's Paul. Jack: Maybe it's a different Paul. Paul: Paul Bailey. Jack: Maybe he forgot about the dog. Paul: I'm here for the dog. Jack: Maybe he's over you. Paul: Oh, I've missed you. Jack: Well, my work here is done. [after someone asks Will what his name is] Will: I'm Truman. Will Truman. And I really didn't mean to say that in a Bond. James Bond kind of way. Karen: You know what else is sad? Poor people who have dreams. [pause] Karen: Well that's not sad as much as it is extremely funny. [Karen is meeting Stan in prison] Karen: I can't have sex with Stan with the lights on. How am I supposed to have a conjugal if I have to watch the con jiggle? Will: When you saw Kevin Spacey you tried to get back those nine bucks you paid for "K-Pax". I believe your exact words were: "hey Spacey, pay it forward." Karen: She's getting too big for her boots. Rosario: Someone should punch her in the neck. Karen: Hey. that isn't very ladylike Rosario: With an open fist. Karen: That's my girl. Jack: He makes me want to be a bigger man. Will: You mean a BETTER man. Jack: That too. [about Will] Jack: Come on, the guy has had like 5 dates in 8 years, he's like a humpback whale. Without the hump. Grace: So, he didn't tell you and he didn't tell me. That means it's something he doesn't want us to know. Jack: Yeah, good work Nancy Drew. Grace: I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, *I* know, but he doesn't know I know. And now that you know I know, you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know? Jack: No... do you know? Karen: I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care. Jack: It's time to put the sex back in homosexual, Will. [about newly gay man Barry] Jack: Will, you don't understand. We have to help the new gays. Nurture them, make them beautiful. We have to Gay It Forward. Will: How long have you been sitting on that one? Jack: Since the movie came out. Karen: [looks at Grace's outfit, stares for a while] Honey... we've discussed this blouse... [a year after his coming out, to Jack] Will: You've been like a sherpa through the Himalyas of... him-a-laying. Karen: I'm not good or real... I'm evil, and imaginary. Val: I pretended your jockstrap was an oxygen mask all day today. Jack: Okay, time to go, psycho. Karen: [entering Will and Grace's apartment, panicked] Help me. Hide me. She's after me. Will: Wh-what's the matter, does your stepdaughter want a hug? Grace: Maybe you should talk to your shrink about this. Karen: [scoffs] My shrink? Honey, I just go to my shrink for refills. Karen: I thought, finally. A man who can make a woman feel like a girl. And who can make that girl feel like a slut. And who can make that slut feel like a woman. Karen: [to a lesbian at a hate crime prevetion fundraiser] Oh yeah, honey, we're all lesbians when the right man isn't around. Karen: OK, rule number one. Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips. Leo: You're right, I am an adult... Karen: ...er-er. Karen: Grace. It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus... up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dradel and see if there are six more weeks of winter. [Grace introduces Karen to her intern] Grace: Let me move you over here, in the unlikely event that she unhinges her jaw and swallows you whole. Karen: Honey, are you still doing the law thing? Will: Honey, are you still doing the "I married for love" thing? Karen: No. Will: You don't need to lose to have fun. You're not France. [Rosario is in a wedding gown] Rosario: This is so stupid. I look like a pinata. Karen: Yeah, and if I had a stick I could watch all of my money fall out. Karen: Nice outfit for a funeral. If that outfit were any shorter I could see your English muffin. Lorraine Finster: I wouldn't talk. If that dress were any lower I could see your Yankee doodles. Will: Stanley Walker was a great man. Grace: A nice man. Jack: A FAT man. Will: He was a decent man. Grace: A kind man. Jack: A surprisingly good dancer. Rosario: [to Karen] Up yours, Count Drunkula. Rosario: [to Jack and Karen] Oh look, it's "Dumb and Drunker". Karen: [to a waiter] Hey apron. who told you you could make eye contact? Will: Their last party was so wild. All I remember is making out with some guy in a hot tub. Jack: Me too. [Long pause] Will: I really don't really remember that... Jack: Me neither. Jack: [to a guy who works in tv] TV? I love tv. "Buffy" is my life. So into Willow being a les, did you have anything to do with that? Jack: When I first saw you I could tell you were bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders and about 30 on your hips. Jack: Why not help this lonely girl find her way home? Karen: Honey she's wearing a blouse made of synthetic fibre. It's a four hour d 复制 复制成功 复制失败,请手动复制
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