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"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
(1998)
-
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[Film Noir - Hardware Store]
Colin Mochrie:
I need a hammer.
Ryan Stiles:
I knew he needed a hammer. He also needed a couple of nails and a good screw.
[Hoedown - Shoplifting]
Colin Mochrie:
The other day I stole something, it really was a sin / It was a little revolver made of gelatin / It was a really bad idea, something I should have slept on/ 'Cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
Ryan Stiles:
[to Colin Mochrie] Watch the Drew Carey Show Wednesdays at Wait... there's more. Give the tall guy more lines.
Greg Proops:
In a world full of poop, there's just one prooper. I'm Greg Proops, the pooper scooper.
Ryan Stiles:
There's nothing like butt toast and head eggs.
Colin Mochrie:
Now over to our weatherman, Dwayne TheBathtub.
[the Village People Hoedown]
Wayne Brady:
I love the Village People, now please don't get me wrong / I love YMCA, hey girl, that's my song / But you see in San Francisco is where they belong / And all them Village People inspired me to wear my thong.
Drew Carey:
I love the Village People, they give me confidence / Even though I'm not too bright, I am rather dense / I have a fat, white body, and I don't have a tan / But when I put on leather pants, I am a Macho Man.
Colin Mochrie:
About the Village People I have a lot of facts. / Did you know they made a movie? Yes, they act. / It really is quite wonderful, I can't believe my eyes, / If you laid them end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
Ryan Stiles:
I don't like the Village People, think they're kinda rude. / Don't you know their lyrics can be kinda crude. / When it's on my stereo I always hit the mute, / But I'll have to admit, the Indian's kind of cute.
[Film Noir]
Colin Mochrie:
I let him think for a while 'cause I knew he had the answer. I knew it was a good answer, and he was going to tell it to me. 'Cause when you ask a question, you expect an answer. That's the way it works... question, answer, answer, question. If he gave the answer, I'd have to come up with the question. That would be Jeopardy. That's wrong.
Drew Carey:
Hi, I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, and let's have some fun.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles.
[the audience applauds]
Drew Carey:
I'm sorry, was that applause? I couldn't hear it under Ryan's shoes!
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like underwear to Sharon Stone.
Drew Carey:
Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway, where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like everthing else when you own a Porsche
Ryan Stiles:
None of us would know, Drew...
Ryan Stiles:
[Narrate-Barbershop-about Colin] I knew he wasn't here for a haircut. Though, if he was, it wasn't going to take that long.
Drew Carey:
[scenes from a hat] Difficult questions for mommy to answer.
Wayne Brady:
Mommy, how come no one looks like me on "Friends"?
Colin Mochrie:
Mommy, how come no one looks like *me* on "Friends"?
Drew Carey:
If you weren't listening, I said difficult questions!
Colin Mochrie:
I'm adorable.
Drew Carey:
[Foreign Film Dub]
[speaks mock sweedish]
Ryan Stiles:
[translating] I love you, but I've had too many meatballs!
Drew Carey:
[Scenes from a hat] Bad causes to raise money for.
Ryan Stiles:
Give Drew Carey a third show? Anyone?
Colin Mochrie:
Bathe the whales!
Drew Carey:
[Scenes from a hat] Baby Drew's first words.
Colin Mochrie:
Colin's Bald!
Wayne Brady:
Hey Nurse, come on!
Ryan Stiles:
Pizza!
Brad Sherwood:
Show me them boobs! Come on!
Colin Mochrie:
[as a pregnant mother in Quick Change] Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Wayne Brady:
Change
Colin Mochrie:
Oklahoma!
Drew Carey:
[after the Satan and the Schoolgirl Title Sequence] I smell a spinoff...
Ryan Stiles:
[Body odor Hoedown] Anybody wanna have- wanna have a- go to the bathroom, come back in...
[Sits down on the step]
Chip Esten:
[Starts Yodeling]
Ryan Stiles:
I'm faced out. I can't do shit.
Drew Carey:
I've got one.
Ryan Stiles:
Why don't you come over here and do one.
Drew Carey:
[singing through Ryan] I went on a date last night, it didn't really end well. She said she wouldn't kiss me cause I had a weird smell. I said come on baby, why don't you have a heart, sure I may have B.O. but at least I didn't fart!
Drew Carey:
[Scenes from a hat] Bad names for perfume
Wayne Brady:
I call it..."Like Ass!"
Ryan Stiles:
You know you're good when you're wearing "Eau Du Pork!"
Colin Mochrie:
[referring to an earlier game of Song Titles when he said to Ryan "Nice Pants"] "Nice Pants", the smell of courduroy.
Drew Carey:
Hey welcome back to Whose Line, I'm Drew Carey, or as Hannibal Lecter calls me, dinner for two.
Colin Mochrie:
[Drew and Ryan are fighting] Hey, make fun of the bald guy!
[audience laughs]
Colin Mochrie:
I'll be your lighting rod of hate!
Drew Carey:
Well, since you said so, this next game is going to feature Ryan and Baldy...
Drew Carey:
Famous movie roles as played by Carol Channing
Ryan Stiles:
I know what you're thinking. Did I fire seven bullets or six? Well, to tell you the truth, with all this confusion, I actually lost count. So you've gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well do you, punk?
Robin Williams:
Well surely you must be the son of god!
Ryan Stiles:
I am Spartacus!
Drew Carey:
Odd things to hear when you put your ear to a seashell
Ryan Stiles:
[Referring to last scene] I am Spartacus!
Wayne Brady:
Put me down!
Robin Williams:
Who's your daddy?
Drew Carey:
If entertainers worked funerals.
Wayne Brady:
Gather round the body. Whooom! It's not there anymore!
Robin Williams:
Is this the loved one? Alright Johnny, start up the truck. WOW, LOOK AT HIM MOVE! Isn't that incredible, ladies and gentlemen? With just 6 volts, you can make your relatives dance again!
Colin Mochrie:
[Pantomimes twirling the body like a baloon person] A dog!
Ryan Stiles:
Well...
[Picks up body and holds it like a dummy]
Ryan Stiles:
Harry and I would like to thank you for coming here, isn't that right Frankie?...
Drew Carey:
[after a fight with Ryan Stiles] We're gonna miss you Lewis!
Ryan Stiles:
[Song Titles] What's New, Pussycat?
Colin Mochrie:
[Whispering] When you Wish Upon a Star
Ryan Stiles:
[Points down] Blue Suede Shoes
Colin Mochrie:
Nice pants.
Drew Carey:
[Scenes from a hat] Bad first lines of medical ads
Colin Mochrie:
Ever wonder how food becomes poo?
Greg Proops:
Been Decapitated Recently?
Wayne Brady:
[Scenes from a hat- What George Bush really thinks about during cabinet meetings] So *that's* where poo comes from!
Drew Carey:
Naked Photos you wouldn't want to see on the internet
Wayne Brady:
Hi, I'm Bea Arthur!
Ryan Stiles:
C-A-R-E-Y. Hmmm.
[Pretends to smash his computer]
Drew Carey:
Careful what you wish for Buddy...
Ryan Stiles:
Damn rolling black-outs!
[Wayne starts to roll on floor]
Ryan Stiles:
No, not that kind.
[infomercial]
Ryan Stiles:
Hey, what time it is?
Colin Mochrie:
I believe it's 3 o'clock.
Ryan Stiles:
And that means it's time to shop, shop, shop! Hello, everyone. I'm Jimmy!
Colin Mochrie:
I'm... not.
Ryan Stiles:
And it's time to shop, shop, shop! Hey, can some of you see us out there?
Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie:
[move their arms up and down] Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Ryan Stiles:
How many of you are laying on the floor drunk right now?
Colin Mochrie:
It is time to stop! You and your liver need some help!
Ryan Stiles:
Give your liver a break! Liver let die!
[laughter from audience]
Ryan Stiles:
I think a lot of people would stop drinking if they knew what they looked like when they were drunk.
Colin Mochrie:
I think you're absolutely correct, Ryan!
Ryan Stiles:
But it's not always easy to find a mirror when you're drunk. Sometimes it's impossible. But, that's why we have this handy little device.
[pulls out a balloon]
Ryan Stiles:
You simply make a photo copy of your head... and paste it on this.
[holds it still]
Ryan Stiles:
This is what you look like sober.
[knocks it to make it go back and forth]
Ryan Stiles:
This is what you look like drunk.
[audience laughs]
Colin Mochrie:
Which would you rather be?
[Party quirks]
Greg Proops:
No. No! I'm just saying no to rugs.
[doorbell]
Greg Proops:
Come on in, Wayne! How's it going, man? W-welcome to the party.
Wayne Brady:
[as "Chicken With Attitude"] Hmph.
[walks in like a chicken and puffs up like saying "What you want"]
Greg Proops:
Are you all right? You want some...
Wayne Brady:
["No. Leave me alone!" kind of movement]
Greg Proops:
Y-you want some corn or chips or something?
[doorbell]
Greg Proops:
I'm gonna...
Wayne Brady:
["Answer the dang door!"]
Greg Proops:
Woah, woah! I gotta get the door. Hello, Col. How are ya?
Colin Mochrie:
[as "A Person Who's Auditioning for Every Part in a Slasher Film"] Here's my 8" by 10".
Greg Proops:
Uh... all right? Great.
Colin Mochrie:
All right? Here we go.
[clears throat]
Colin Mochrie:
Okay.
[screams loudly]
Colin Mochrie:
No, wait! I can do it better.
[screams louder on higher pitch]
Colin Mochrie:
No. I think maybe this part.
[Covers hand over one eye and mimes stabbing someone while moaning]
Greg Proops:
[doorbell] Oh.
[ducks under his arm]
Greg Proops:
You have GOT to stop taking sudifed! Oh, hi Ryan! How are you?
Ryan Stiles:
[as "Excited by Ugliness and Looking for the Perfect Specimen"] Great, how are you?
Greg Proops:
Fine.
Ryan Stiles:
Hey, thanks for inviting me. Can I meet your other guests?
Greg Proops:
Sure, no problem.
[moves over to Wayne]
Greg Proops:
This is a chicken. A funky chicken? No, he's not a chicken. A music chicken? He's a funky chicken? He's a chicken who thinks he's a rooster?
Drew Carey:
He's a chicken with an ATTITUDE.
Greg Proops:
Chicken with an attitude?
[laughs]
Greg Proops:
Ryan, have you met Colin. He's audtioning for a horror movie.
Drew Carey:
Every part in a horror movie.
Greg Proops:
[talking while Ryan, who's excited by ugliness in this role, is gazing at Drew Carey with facsination] Listen... can I get you something? A glass of water or punch or something? Would you like a glass of punch or something?
Ryan Stiles:
Sure, Ryan.
[pretends to spill invisible glass]
Ryan Stiles:
Oops. I dropped it all over myself.
[bends down to show Drew his butt]
Ryan Stiles:
I believe I haven't met your other friend.
Greg Proops:
Oh, well this is Drew. He sits behind a desk and makes a lot more than us!
[laughter from the audience]
Greg Proops:
Hey, Drew. Have you met Ryan? He's trying to... seduce everyone he meets!
Drew Carey:
No.
Greg Proops:
He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? No? He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? He's a guy who's imagined that...
Drew Carey:
[interrupting] Well, here he says that he's excited by UGLINESS!
[Newsflash- Colin is reporting on bikini girls]
Colin Mochrie:
[not aware that he's pointing between a woman's breasts] I'm going to stick my nose in there, and make sure I get every bit of it!
[audience laughs hysterically]
[Newsflash- Colin is reporting on images of himself]
Colin Mochrie:
[when asked how all this got started] This all started with a badly timed bald joke.
[audience laughs hysterically]
Drew Carey:
[Scenes from a hat] "World's worst catchphrases."
Colin Mochrie:
Nieieieeieieiiice pants!
[Scenes from a hat]
Drew Carey:
Okay. Let's start out with...
[pulls out paper]
Drew Carey:
No... no.
[puts paper back and picks a new one]
Drew Carey:
"Bad choices for pets."
Brad Sherwood:
Here velocipraptor! Here velo-
[Colin comes and pretends to bite his neck]
Ryan Stiles:
[whistles] Where's my little tapeworm? Huh?
Drew Carey:
Okay.
[clears thraot]
Drew Carey:
"Strange things to find in your bed."
Wayne Brady:
Colin?
[Colin pops his head up]
Wayne Brady:
Ahhhhhhh!
Colin Mochrie:
Teach me how to sing like you!
Ryan Stiles:
[Ryan pops his head up] What's his problem?
Colin Mochrie:
I don't know!
Drew Carey:
Oh, okay. Uh, "dangerous things to do while you are naked."
Brad Sherwood:
Honey, bring out the steaks. I'm gonna light the barbeque.
Colin Mochrie:
[sighs] Okay.
[Colin starts to pretend to throw chain saws into the air and jugle them]
Ryan Stiles:
5 minutes, Mr. President.
Drew Carey:
[laughs] Okay.
[reads card]
Drew Carey:
Oh, boy. "Baby names that will someday get your child's ass kicked."
Ryan Stiles:
Oh, is Kick-My-Ass Hungry?
Colin Mochrie:
Come here... Colin.
[Wayne and Brad pretend to go beat him up]
Drew Carey:
Okay. "Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey."
Ryan Stiles:
What kind of middle name is "Alison?"
Drew Carey:
"Things you wished you hadn't said to the president."
Colin Mochrie:
Sure, I'll be your intern.
Brad Sherwood:
[acts like he's holding out a tray] Cigarette? Cigar? Anyone?
Ryan Stiles:
[as if getting married] I do.
Drew Carey:
Hey! Don't go away! There'll be lots of more Whose Line right after this!
[Scenes from a hat: If famous celebrities landed on the moon]
Brad Sherwood:
That's one small step for man, but one giant leap for me, Brad Sherwood.
Drew Carey:
[as Brad sets off-stage] Sorry, I said "famous celebrities."
Brad Sherwood:
Oh, sorry.
Brad Sherwood:
[short pause, then Brad starts whining] That was mean!
Wayne Brady:
[as Michael Jackson, moonwalking] Whoo!
Ryan Stiles:
[as Carol Channing] Why, this is as dry and barren as I am.
Colin Mochrie:
[Scenes from a hat - Ending a long term relationship in song] You are dead to me, nothing but scum. When I look in your eyes I get inflammation of the bomb. You make me feel putrid, I hate the...
[He's lead away by Ryan]
Colin Mochrie:
[Scenes from a hat - discussions that ruin a dinner party] -So then my colon is lying on my chest. I wake up in the middle of the surgery, I acidentally swallow half of it! How did that happen, I'm wondering. Well then all of a sudden, that's when the laxative hits! So I'm LYING there, wondering how the heck am I gonna get out of this?...
[Ryan pulls him offstage]
Drew Carey:
If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.
Ryan Stiles:
Where did all the toilet paper gooo?
Kathryn Greenwood:
I love you sooooo much- oops I farted!
Colin Mochrie:
Hey! That's me with the booger in my nose! Booger in my nose!
Wayne Brady:
We made love at 5: I was done by 5:07!
Colin Mochrie:
I didn't mean to cook your dog! But hey, that's how things happen! That thing was standin' there, and then his little toes started tapping! So I cut his throat, hey go get a goat, and then I put him on the barbeque!
[Ryan pulls him offstage, end of game]
Drew Carey:
And I put him on the barbeque!
Ryan Stiles:
[songs of the motorcycle] Hi.
Colin Mochrie:
Hi...
Ryan Stiles:
How are you?
Colin Mochrie:
I'm fine...
Ryan Stiles:
We don't know what you're watching. So we're not going to tell you we're going to return you to it.
Colin Mochrie:
We... we're watching animal porn! uh
[realizes what said and covers his face briefly. Buzz]
Colin Mochrie:
Mary Had a Little Lamb in just a little sec...
Audience members:
[Buzz. the audience members, Drew Wayne and Jeff start to laugh. Close up on Colin]
Colin Mochrie:
I'm sorry, I apologize.
Ryan Stiles:
[laughing continues] He's so happy about it! "We watching animal porn!"
Drew Carey:
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the plot line of a porno film. They just don't matter.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right! The points are like the thongs section in the Big & Tall store. They just don't matter.
[Quick Change]
Ryan Stiles:
[discussing a map] Well, this is all wrong here, I mean look, this army's attacking Hawaii!
Wayne Brady:
Change.
Ryan Stiles:
Look, the Salvation Army's attacking this restaurant over here!
Wayne Brady:
Change.
Ryan Stiles:
I mean, this is me, going after Richard Simmons!
Drew Carey:
Welcome to Who's Line Is It Anyway? the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Angelina Jolie's breakfast.
[after a dance with Richard Simmons]
Wayne Brady:
I feel ten pounds lighter and just a little dirty.
[quick change]
Ryan Stiles:
You see this badge? That means I'm the sheriff.
Wayne Brady:
Change.
Ryan Stiles:
You see this thong?...
[bursts out laughing]
Wayne Brady:
Change.
Ryan Stiles:
You see these sandals? That means someone stole my boots.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.
Drew Carey:
"Alternate endings to famous movies."
Colin Mochrie:
Rosebud's the sled.
[Buzzer]
Colin Mochrie:
This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns
[laughter from Drew Carey]
Drew Carey:
I'd like to give a plug for Ryan's new show. It's a combination of "What's Happening," "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper," "The Outer Limits" and "The PJs." It's called "What's that Hangin' Out of Your PJs?"
Ryan Stiles:
Watch for it.
Drew Carey:
[setting up "Weird Newscasters"] Wayne, you're a redneck trying to hold on to his title at a greased pig competition. And Ryan...
Ryan Stiles:
...Please don't say I'm the greased pig!
Drew Carey:
No, you're a first time mother going from conception to birth!
Drew Carey:
The points don't matter just like Jerry Springer's final thought.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like a hat in an orgy.
Drew Carey:
The points don't matter. Just like a comb to Colin Mocherie , it just doesn't matter.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like the police department in Columbia.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like a condom to a Trekkie.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like deoderant to a cab driver.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Blair Witch
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like the salad bar at a strip club.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like the plot in a lesbian prison movie.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like street signs to a cab driver.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like the plot in 'Mission Impossible 2'.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like when I say 'I Love You' when I'm drunk.
Wayne Brady:
No!
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like the nutrition facts on a Happy Meal.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like the credits in a porno movie.
Drew Carey:
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like good fashion sense to Greg and Ryan.
Drew Carey:
Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air matress.
[Hoedown - Surgery]
Ryan Stiles:
My brother needed surgery, but we both were broke/I took him to a veterinarian, as a little joke/He didn't mind a bit. I didn't hear a peep/So I said, "What the hell?" and had him put to sleep.
Wayne Brady:
[as the Mission:Impossible informant] As usual, if you or any of your team are caught or killed we will disavow any knowledge and laugh atcha'ass
Ryan Stiles:
[singing] You... and your constipation.
Drew Carey:
Occupations where breaking into song is discouraged.
Ryan Stiles:
[pantomimes putting Colin into the electric chair] We're... gonna... Fry you this morning, fry you this morning!
Wayne Brady:
[goes up with Jeff] I'm sorry, but your husband... Isn't gonna make it isn't gonna make it, no, ain't gonna make it, isn't gonna make it...
Jeff Bryan Davis:
[continuing] Isn't gonna make it!
Colin Mochrie:
[mimes trapping himself in a box] I'm a MIME!
Drew Carey:
Bad places to find advertising
[Ryan pantomimes looking over Colin while he's peeing]
Drew Carey:
Must not have had a lot to say...
Drew Carey:
[audience boos] I regret saying that, because the next card says "Little known, but amazing facts about Drew Carey"
Colin Mochrie:
I have no sense of length.
Wayne Brady:
When I'm with a woman, I go "Wooooooooo!"
Ryan Stiles:
Did you know at first Drew Carey turned DOWN the role of gepetto?
Ryan Stiles:
[During "Press Conference", where Colin is Batman announcing he's coming out of the closet] How does the partner feel about this?
Colin Mochrie:
Well, he is a little worried, since he relies on me for most of the income...
[as the audience starts laughing, Colin pauses]
Colin Mochrie:
I'm not sure, I may want to rephrase that later.
[points at Brad, who has his hand up]
Colin Mochrie:
Yes?
Brad Sherwood:
You might want to rephrase that now.
Greg Proops:
[Improbable Mission] This message will self-destruct... now - BOOM!
Drew Carey:
[after the guys were impersonating Scotsmen] Thousand points to Colin for sounding like the guy from Chicken Run.
Drew Carey:
If you've never seen the show before, what's going to happen is these four performers are going to come out here and make everything up for you, right off the top of their heads. At the end of every game, I give them points, I don't know why. It's just a little gag to hold the show together. And then, at the end of the night, we choose a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something special with me.
[during Hollywood Director game]
Colin Mochrie:
I think it was Tennessee Williams who said, Y'all are crap.
[Scenes from a hat- Things George Bush does alone in the oval office]
Greg Proops:
[pretends to look in mirror] Who beat Al Gore? Who beat Al Gore?
Drew Carey:
That's right the points are like if N'sync and the Backstreet Boys traded guys. It doesn't matter.
[Ryan accidentally rammed his head into a light fixture]
Drew Carey:
Hey, Ryan, how many fingers am I holding up?
[holds up two fingers]
Ryan Stiles:
Uhh, 4? How about me?
[gives Drew the finger]
[Scenes Cut from a Movie - Braveheart]
Brad Sherwood:
All right men, we're going into battle tomorrow!Before we do, I think we shall all take a shower!
Colin Mochrie:
Ehh, I don't want my freedom.
Drew Carey:
So if you want to be on "Whose Line it is Anyway?" send a naked Polaroid of yourself to the care of 'Whose Line' Po Box:
Chip Esten:
That's how I got on.
[playing Questions Only]
Ryan Stiles:
[singing off key] Do you know-oooh?
Colin Mochrie:
Can you play that in key?
Ryan Stiles:
What key would you like it in?
Colin Mochrie:
G or F?
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie:
.
[after Chip ripped on him in a drinking hoedown]
Colin Mochrie:
My mother drinks a lot, I know that isn't strange/But her behavior gets very strange./She acts like she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus./Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis.
[Scenes From a Hat - If Famous Movie Lines had Product Placements]
Colin Mochrie:
Rosebud... the last word in sleds.
[singing as a strip-o-gram to a retired lunch lady]
Wayne Brady:
And today's Friday/it's the best day of all/because you get to have, a little spaghetti/and two big meatba-
[cracks up]
Drew Carey:
The points are like Keith Richards to a vampire.
[Scenes from a Hat: What "Whose Line" Cast Members Wish for, when blowing out their "B"-Day Candles]
Wayne Brady:
[Blows] No more Hoedowns.
Colin Mochrie:
[Blows] Let me play a Man in a scene.
Ryan Stiles:
[Blows] Please, don't have Drew make me go under that desk again.
Drew Carey:
Young man, I'll see you at my desk.
[playing scenes from a hat]
Drew Carey:
Trying to look cool while doing uncool things.
[Wayne walks out and imitates pressing the buzzer]
[while playing questions only, after Colin says he's Canadian]
Ryan Stiles:
Have you ever heard of a place called Moosejaw, Saskatchewan?
Colin Mochrie:
Isn't that right beside Left... Noob?
[Hoedown - Scary Wives]
Wayne Brady:
Oh I got married about a year ago. I'm as happy as can be, I think you all should know. But my wife, I'm glad I did marry. Except in the morning, she looks like Drew Carey.
Drew Carey:
Well, Wayne gets worried about his little wife, cause she is the love of his life. But every night, just about three, Oh, Wayne, She's out with me.
[Wayne's mouth drops, and then they dance]
Drew Carey:
Things to say that will always start a fight.
Ryan Stiles:
You guys wanna fight?
Ryan Stiles:
Hey, Clinton, what's with the fat broad?
Brad Sherwood:
That's what you get for river dancing in a thong.
[Backstreet Boys HoeDown]
Drew Carey:
Oh, I hate radio today. They ain't got nothing good to play all. / All they play is junk. They are in a rut, I wish they'd take the Backstreet Boys / and shove'um their butt.
Drew Carey:
Christmas is a holiday that I really hate / There are just too many things that I can't relate / So every December twenty fifth I just kick off my shoes / And go down to the deli to hang out with the Jews
[Hollywood Director]
Colin Mochrie:
You notice why the floor's clean? It's because you all suck.
Kathryn Greenwood:
There's a bright light coming from within.
Ryan Stiles:
It's a cop!
[Unlikely Superheroes]
Colin Mochrie:
It's me, Run-Away-From-Danger Man.
Ryan Stiles:
Did someone call for Captain Pork?
[during press conference - Colin is Santa going on retirement]
Brad Sherwood:
What about all the people you'll disappoint?
Colin Mochrie:
Screw them.
[after a particularly physical game]
Colin Mochrie:
I'm fine, Drew, I seem to have lost my battery pack somewhere in the area of my buttocks. It's okay, my pack is halfway up my ass...
[answering for Newsflash game]
Colin Mochrie:
I hope it's me with my clothes on.
[playing World's worst TV programs]
Greg Proops:
Hi, I'm bill from the NRA, and it's gun safety wee...
[imitates getting shot]
Colin Mochrie:
To quote Rodgers and Hammerstein, "The hills are alive with the sounds of crap".
[Scenes from a Hat game]
Drew Carey:
Things in Drew Carey's planner.
Wayne Brady:
7:00: count my money. 8:00: count my money.
Ryan Stiles:
9:00- Blow up
[crosses out]
Ryan Stiles:
Pick up date!
Ryan Stiles:
We have 53 songs on one CD and it's this big.
[Spreads hands apart]
Ryan Stiles:
And it's made of chocolate. I had a few drinks tonight
[after being kissed by Ryan]
Colin Mochrie:
I can't wait to get home to my wife.
Colin Mochrie:
[playing impossible mission] I thought we were out of the spy buisiness?
Ryan Stiles:
We're never out of the spy buisiness, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.
Greg Proops:
How would you like to make money in Real Estate?
[Ryan fast forewards]
Greg Proops:
Good morning, gentlemen.
Colin Mochrie:
Good morning.
Greg Proops:
How are you today?
Colin Mochrie:
Fine.
Ryan Stiles:
How's your cold, Ryan?
Ryan Stiles:
It's cleared up.
Greg Proops:
Well all right then...
Colin Mochrie:
Like what am I, nothing?
Greg Proops:
I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...
[Colin fast forewards]
Greg Proops:
Today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Meer of Grufunkastan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your mission is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know it nevermind, and clean a new bernoose for the Meer of Grufunkastan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...
[Ryan throws it out the window]
Greg Proops:
BOOM!
Ryan Stiles:
Thank God we picked window!
Colin Mochrie:
Yes. Well, we've got a mission lets get to it.
[dramatic music]
Ryan Stiles:
I can't remember where the hotel is you got your Thomas Guide? E5 it's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.
Colin Mochrie:
Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.
Ryan Stiles:
Wait a minute we're at E4 already.
Colin Mochrie:
Quick, E
Ryan Stiles:
I didn't know we lived so close to the hotel.
Colin Mochrie:
No kidding, we only look out the windows to throw burning tapes.
Colin Mochrie:
The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming!
Ryan Stiles:
[During "Dating Service Video", wearing a hat with a turkey on it] This year, I do all the stuffing.
[after singing a song as a strip-o-gram]
Wayne Brady:
I feel so dirty!
Greg Proops:
[holding Drew like an award] I'd like to thank the academy for giving me the Drew Carey award. It feels so great that only one person with funky glasses can get this award each year. I feel I'm the king of the... General Area!
[suddenly, Drew falls off the World's Worst Step!]
Drew Carey:
[Foreign Film Dub in Unkranian, starts hysterically laughing, then speaks mock Ukrainian]
Ryan Stiles:
Hahahahahahaha! Oh, I was just laughing at an old joke I learned. Two perrogies walk into a bar.
Kathryn Greenwood:
[Speaks mock Ukrainian]
Colin Mochrie:
Go on.
Drew Carey:
[Speaks mock Ukrainian, then stops and, in plain english] Complimentary.
Ryan Stiles:
The nuts go over to the perrogies and say "Hey, you look great, have you lost weight?" and the perrogie says "What's with the nuts?" and the bartender says "They're complimentary".
Colin Mochrie:
Oh, those frustrating banana peels! How do you get them off.
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie:
[goes back up] Oh, those frustrating Gerbil Skins...
Ryan Stiles:
[Drew just fell off the World's Worst step] Hi, I'm Drew Carey, and I'm going to teach you how to walk backwards. First you...
[Buzz]
Wayne Brady:
Order Colin Mochrie's guide to dialect in other countries now! You get French-"Helloo!", Spanish-"Helloo!", Indonesian-"HELLOO!"
[Buzz]
Colin Mochrie:
The Wayne Brady surfboard with a bump big enough to sit on!
Wayne Brady:
Well, she's a dog and she's so fine / She's the canine that's on my mind / She's Lassie.
Brad Sherwood:
[Scenes from a Hat: Dr. Seuss inspired pick-up lines] Are you my mommy?
Ryan Stiles:
[after licking Colin's ear, Ryan ate a handful of Altoids] My mouth's on fire. I put about 30 of them in.
Drew Carey:
You know, these mints are curiously strong when you pop all of them in your mouth at once.
Ryan Stiles:
Wow.
Wayne Brady:
He's gonna have great breath for, like, 20 years.
Brad Sherwood:
Finally.
Drew Carey:
[Ryan spat out the Altoids] Now the poor stage guy's gotta pick them all up...
Ryan Stiles:
[after being told by the censor that they couldn't make fun of Hitler, the cast do a hoedown about directors] Our director, he really is the boss / For yelling and screaming, he's never at a loss. / He's the meanest guy that you will ever see / He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany.
[after Colin's quirk of trying to figure out who's really a man and who's really a woman]
Drew Carey:
[pulls out a can of Oust for Colin] Would you like some disinfectant for your hands?
Wayne Brady:
[acting as a little boy, to Kathy] Mommy, will you show me tapes of when you used to do Whose Line?
Kathryn Greenwood:
[giggles and makes gestures of using a VCR remote] ... well darling...
Drew Carey:
That was amazing, Colin Mochrie!
[audience cheers and applause]
Ryan Stiles:
[calling off-stage] Keith, I'm going to need two minutes.
[everyone laughs]
Ryan Stiles:
And I *mean* "two minutes"!
Drew Carey:
That was unbelievable!
Wayne Brady:
Let's hear it for Colin Mochrie!
[starts a huge round of applause, then turns to Drew]
Wayne Brady:
He's *so* gentle too!
Colin Mochrie:
[embarrassed] Yeah.
Drew Carey:
So 1000 points to everybody *but* Colin, because I was sitting the entire time... waiting for you to come over...
Colin Mochrie:
...oh, there's no doubt about you, my friend!
Drew Carey:
[chuckles] Yep, I'm *all* man!
Ryan Stiles:
I wanna make a call, so I'll have to use a life line! I wanna call the mother of my baby, my sister Alicia. Are ya' there baby?
Kathryn Greenwood:
Yeah, I'm here, y'know I was just about to call you, my frilly underwear's missin' again!
Ryan Stiles:
Well, I ain't wearin' it!
Kathryn Greenwood:
Yeah, like hell y'ain't wearin' it! What d'ya want?
Ryan Stiles:
[in Southern accent] Is it A, C, D, or D?
Colin Mochrie:
No, you stupid
[imitates bleeping sound]
Colin Mochrie:
, it's A, B, C, or D!
Kathryn Greenwood:
Well, I don't know which of them numbers it is, I'd say "C"!
Ryan Stiles:
Is that yer favorite number?
Kathryn Greenwood:
Yeah, baby, C's an all right number!
[magician hoedown]
Drew Carey:
Hoedowns about magicians are really hard to do/ Hard to think of one verse, let alone even two/ Let me tell you somethin' that'll give you a little laugh/
[to Wayne]
Drew Carey:
If you take my rhyme again I'm gonna saw your ass in half!
Colin Mochrie:
[Weird Newscasters] Today, well-known mob hitman Johnny Two-Shoes admitted that he was once hired to kill a cow in a rice field using only two small porcelain figurines. Police reports indicate that this is the only known incident of a Knick-Knack Paddy Whack.
Colin Mochrie:
[Weird Newscasters] Today, legendary human cannonball, the great Zambonee, who was famous for bringing his pet donky to each of his preformances, escaped tragedy today when, just as he was about to be launched, his pet donkey walked in front of the cannon. It took paramedics three hours to remove Zambonee's head from his ass. Both are resting comfortably.
Ryan Stiles:
[scene to rap, Top Gun] I'm a bird flyin' through the air/come near me if you dare/my feathers are white and my beak is flat/I hit your windshield and go SPLAT!
Colin Mochrie:
[flapping his arms like a bird] I don't have a ryhme, boo-hoo.
Wayne Brady:
I thought he was a bird/but that ain't that/'cause everybody know's Canadians can't rap.
Colin Mochrie:
[scene to rap, outer space] Yo, I'm the doctor in this place/I'm the best doctor in outer space/for me this disaster will be a real tes/waitaminute I think there's something in my chest.
[shoots out hand to mimic an alien chest-burster]
[World's Worst Neighbor]
Ryan Stiles:
Excuse me, I'm tapped into your cable. Would you mind changing it to channel 8?
Wayne Brady:
[Song Styles - singing a song in the style of a boy band to special guest Miss America] Hey, Miss America, what's up? I'm T.K.
[moves over]
Wayne Brady:
I'm B.J.
[moves over again]
Wayne Brady:
I'm J.J.
[moves over again]
Wayne Brady:
And I'm O.K.
Drew Carey:
[introducing Song Styles, for Wayne] Wayne, you will sing to Miss America in the style of a boy band. It doesn't matter which one, they all sound the same anyway.
Colin Mochrie:
Get out of town and take a bus!
Colin Mochrie:
Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm Thor, but not complaining.
Chip Esten:
[as a '50s teen rebel biker] You looking at my hog? Don't look at my hog... or my motorcycle.
Ryan Stiles:
I'd like to give you the weather for the next 50 years. Sun in L.A., rain in Seattle.
[scenes from a hat: What Drew Carey whispers in his date's ear]
Chip Esten:
What's your name again?
Ryan Stiles:
Keep the change.
Drew Carey:
I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.
Drew Carey:
[to Ryan] That was Ringling Bros. they want their shoes back.
Brad Sherwood:
[during Song Styles; serenading a lightbulb salesgirl in the form of a Jewish wedding] You are so effervescent, Your lightbulb is fluorescent, And I am out of rhymes!
Ryan Stiles:
[during "Greatest Hits: Songs of College"] What comes to mind when I say Ricky Ricardo and great cigars?
Colin Mochrie:
Oh, tapioca!
[the audience laughs]
Ryan Stiles:
[surprised] Really? Why's that?
Colin Mochrie:
Wasn't that his big song?
[impersonating Ricky Ricardo]
Colin Mochrie:
"Tapiooooooca! Tapiooooooca!"
Ryan Stiles:
[starting to laugh] No, Colin...
[starts laughing more]
Ryan Stiles:
I'm talking about Cu...
[starts laughing uncontrollably as the audience starts laughing too]
Ryan Stiles:
I'm talking about Cuba, Colin...
[he turns away as he starts laughing again]
Colin Mochrie:
Cuba. It's a small island.
Ryan Stiles:
It is!
[still laughing hard]
Ryan Stiles:
Why don't you tell the people about it?...
Colin Mochrie:
Actually, we're just going to move away from Cuba for just a sec, and go to another island, an island where some of my favorite music is found-Scaa!
Ryan Stiles:
Like a bunch of crows! "Scaa!"
Colin Mochrie:
TAPIOCA!
Colin Mochrie:
Anyway they did a great college hit- "Ra, ra, ra- Scaa ra, ra!"
[interviewing Santa]
Ryan Stiles:
And where are you going to go after all of this is over?
Colin Mochrie:
I'm thinking Mexico because I... like it there.
[interviewing Santa]
Brad Sherwood:
What about all of you animal friends?
Colin Mochrie:
Animal friends are just there to be animal friends, if they can't handle being a carpet.
[the audience gasps]
Colin Mochrie:
I may have said too much.
Colin Mochrie:
I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage, and you're crap!"
Wayne Brady:
Thank you for saving my husband.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh... you two are married?
Colin Mochrie:
It's nothing permanent.
[Scenes From a Hat - "What George W. Bush is really thinking during Cabinet meetings"]
[Wayne steps out, and stares around, signifying nothing; buzzer]
Greg Proops:
What's the "W" stand for, anyway? Whatever...
[Buzzer]
Colin Mochrie:
There isn't even a cabinet in here.
Wayne Brady:
[Referring to an earlier joke] That's where poo comes from!
Drew Carey:
[Chip just jumped on Ryan's back] How's your back, really?
Ryan Stiles:
Fine.
Ryan Stiles:
Yeah, cause I saw you going
Drew Carey:
[Mouths words as though he's in pain]
Ryan Stiles:
No actually I was saying "Get the fuck off! Get the fuck off!' I don't know if we can air that but that's what I said.
[Repeated line]
Colin Mochrie:
Meeeooooow!
Colin Mochrie:
[Playing the cranky old people version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?] Here's your first question. Viagra...
Ryan Stiles:
Oh! I spent my honeymoon there.
Colin Mochrie:
Well there goes the first question.
Drew Carey:
[Scenes from a hat] Worlds worst choice for an interpretive dance.
Ryan Stiles:
[Makes wave movements with arms] Diarrhea, flows like a river.
Robin Williams:
Impotance can be a horrifying thing!
Colin Mochrie:
But when you cut off a guys dead, roll up his body in a rug, and burn it... you better make sure he's dead!
Greg Proops:
[Hats, in a rabbit mask] I'm not into protection
Drew Carey:
Say it again... I don't think they heard you.
Greg Proops:
Oh, could no one hear me? Maybe it's because of this fucking mask I'm wearing.
Drew Carey:
"Things you shouldn't do to a bald person".
Wayne Brady:
[Goes up with Colin] We need your head to bounce off that lazer beam.
Ryan Stiles:
You're my only friend on this island, Wilson!
Wayne Brady:
No, I just did one!
Colin Mochrie:
Oh, go ahead, it's comedy!
Wayne Brady:
Okay! Will Johnny take me to the prom
[Shakes Colin's head]
Drew Carey:
I'm just going to stop here.
Colin Mochrie:
Oh, hey, thanks!
Drew Carey:
Because I thought...
Colin Mochrie:
Stop at 10, I say!
Drew Carey:
Ryan, you are looking for a virgin to sacrifice to appease the gods. If you come near me, I'll kill you.
Drew Carey:
"Strange things for a doctor to say after 'Turn your head and cough'".
Ryan Stiles:
Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?
Brad Sherwood:
Do you smell bacon?
Colin Mochrie:
Alright, now bend over and sneeze
Ryan Stiles:
Now, here's how you throw a curve.
Brad Sherwood:
Maybe I should turn up the heat in here...
Wayne Brady:
[Makes a clacking noise]
Colin Mochrie:
We're gonna have to blow it.
Ryan Stiles:
Blow the door? Are you out of your mind?
Colin Mochrie:
No, I mean blow it up.
Drew Carey:
[giving hints to Greg that the answer for Colin's "party quirk" includes gravity] What holds you to the Earth?
Greg Proops:
Why, my love for you, Drew.
[Film Noir game, set in gas station]
Colin Mochrie:
[voiceover] He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one. You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin. It had taken me eight years to track him down to this gas station.
[speaking]
Colin Mochrie:
Jed? It's me, Phil.
Ryan Stiles:
[speaking] I recognize the voice.
[voiceover]
Ryan Stiles:
As I was looking right up his dress, I knew who it was.
[gets up, speaking]
Ryan Stiles:
Long time, no see.
Colin Mochrie:
[voiceover] Yeah. Last time I saw him, he tried to murder me. But when you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead.
Ryan Stiles:
[speaking] What brings you by?
Colin Mochrie:
[speaking] I came by for my part of the inheritance. Nice gas station you opened up.
Ryan Stiles:
[speaking] Thanks.
[voiceover]
Ryan Stiles:
Apparently he'd forgotten why he was kicked out of town in the first place. The sheriff caught him giving his wife a lube job in late November. I wasn't going to bring it up again, I knew it was a touchy subject for him.
[speaking]
Ryan Stiles:
Haven't seen you since the lube job.
Colin Mochrie:
[speaking] Hey! Come on! What the hell? Never mention that again!
Drew Carey:
Gifts the three wise men considered
Wayne Brady:
Mary, I give to you, a Playstation 2 for the child.
Kathryn Greenwood:
It's a Chia Pet!
Ryan Stiles:
[to Colin] You can't give them a pork roast!
Colin Mochrie:
Water Skis.
[Shrugs]
Wayne Brady:
With these modivational tapes by Jack Robbins, your child will soar...
Ryan Stiles:
They call it... a thong.
Drew Carey:
Two thousand points to Kathy Greenwood for kissing Ryan.
Greenwood, Kathryn:
Yeah!
Colin Mochrie:
I never get two thousand points for kissing him.
Drew Carey:
That's 'cause you like to kiss him.
Ryan Stiles:
It's got to be on the show!
[Colin nods knowingly]
Chip Esten:
[Hoedown - Men] Men can be quite mean / Men can be quite bad / I'll bet you had a boyfriend / I'll bet he was a cad / I don't really like men myself / That I can tell / But my friend Ryan? / Well he thinks they're swell.
Drew Carey:
Now let's go on to a game called "African Chant". As we know, Africa's a big country...
[Greg starts laughing]
Greg Proops:
Or a *continent*, if you're a geographer.
Colin Mochrie:
One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff is the stuff that I really, really love.
Ryan Stiles:
It was good stuff!
Colin Mochrie:
Let's not say "stuff" anymore.
Ryan Stiles:
Okay!
Ryan Stiles:
How much would you pay for a 5-CD set like this? Or even a 50-CD set like this?
Colin Mochrie:
Why, I'd pay up to $50,.. but I'm an idiot!
Ryan Stiles:
And you're from Canada, so with the exchange...
Colin Mochrie:
I'm still an idiot!
Colin Mochrie:
The Beatles! Rolling Stones! Barbra Streisand! Bruce Springsteen! These are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
Ryan Stiles:
Hey, Colin.
Colin Mochrie:
What, Ryan?
Ryan Stiles:
How much money would you pay for a 2-CD set like this?
Colin Mochrie:
Oh, I don't know... 39 dollars?
Ryan Stiles:
[angrily] Unfortunately, it's $
Colin Mochrie:
[hastily recovering] But I was talking $00 in a foreign currency that doesn't quite...
Colin Mochrie:
[during 'Narrate'] He had a face only a mother could love... if she was blind in one eye and had that sorta milky film over the other. But still, he was my identical twin brother.
Richard Simmons:
[during a game of Living Scenery] I'll be all the props for these men!
Colin Mochrie:
[using people as objects] I'm gonna use the giant tea pot we brought.
Ryan Stiles:
Really.
Colin Mochrie:
Don't ask me.
Colin Mochrie:
[worlds worst priest] hmm... say 10 Hail Mary's and the Gilligan's Island theme
Ryan Stiles:
Today i'm going to be delivering the sermon as John Wayne.
[as John Wayne]
Ryan Stiles:
And in the beginning...
Colin Mochrie:
[acting out Zorro] I bet you're wondering what part of Mexico I'm from. I was educated in Oxford.
Ryan Stiles:
You must come back with me, you have commited many crimes. Apparently I'm from the same neighborhood
Drew Carey:
What penguins are really thinking?
Wayne Brady:
Does this tux make me look fat?
Ryan Stiles:
Geez... it's cold!
Colin Mochrie:
One day I'll get that Batman!
Ryan Stiles:
[Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission] We can't go in the front door, they'll spot us.
Colin Mochrie:
Yes, we must climb up through that window up there that seems impossibly high.
Ryan Stiles:
We've got nothing to get up there with, I didn't bring any rope.
Colin Mochrie:
Wait, your hair. You know with one long strand.
Ryan Stiles:
You said you'd never mention that again.
Colin Mochrie:
Reel us up.
Ryan Stiles:
[as they're going up] By the way I love you.
Colin Mochrie:
Stop it!
Ryan Stiles:
Patio doors locked. There's people inside. We're gonna have to make a diversion so they come out and I can sneak in and get the garment.
Colin Mochrie:
FIRE!
Colin Mochrie:
That was easy. Now what was it?
Colin Mochrie:
A burnoose.
Ryan Stiles:
Any idea what it look like?
Colin Mochrie:
Like... a burnoose. There it is.
Ryan Stiles:
Here's one. We've gotta find some way to clean it. We can't go down stairs... the bath tub. We'll fill the bathtub up with water.
Colin Mochrie:
Wait, the faucet's rigged!
Ryan Stiles:
What?
Colin Mochrie:
The faucet's rigged!
Ryan Stiles:
In what way?
Colin Mochrie:
With an explosive! How long have you been a spy?
Ryan Stiles:
I didn't see that! I guess they really don't want people taking baths in here.
Colin Mochrie:
Why don't we just take the faucet off and flush it.
Ryan Stiles:
How's that gonna work? BOOM. Oh, stand back it's filled up the tub!
Colin Mochrie:
Perfect!
Drew Carey:
The points are as useless as the host on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
[buzzer]
Drew Carey:
Anyone can do this.
Ryan Stiles:
[Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission] We're gonna need some type of detergent.
Colin Mochrie:
Detergent, Detergent... the cat! No that's no good!
Ryan Stiles:
Wait a minute, bars of soap there's nothing but bars of soap. But where gonna have to agitate it in some way.
Colin Mochrie:
[Colin gets in the tub] Give me the beans.
Ryan Stiles:
It's working! It's clean!
Colin Mochrie:
It's taking to long! The Snackipark of Imar will be hear.
Ryan Stiles:
We've gotta dry it ourselves... what?
[Ryan begins hysterically laughing]
Colin Mochrie:
The cat!
Ryan Stiles:
The cat, stop it with the cat...
[Ryan is hysterically laughing again]
Colin Mochrie:
It's clean. Bring me some fabric softener.
Ryan Stiles:
[through laughing fits] Fabric softener?
Colin Mochrie:
Well, you can't have static cling. The burnoose will stick to it's thing! The cat!
[Ryan's laughing hysterically]
Colin Mochrie:
Is anyone coming?
Ryan Stiles:
[laughing] No.
Colin Mochrie:
It's perfect, it's perfect
Ryan Stiles:
Good!
Colin Mochrie:
You better model it!
Ryan Stiles:
Oh, it fell in the water again! The cat!
Colin Mochrie:
The cat's wet now!
Colin Mochrie:
Wait, give me a match!
[lights the burnoose on fire]
Colin Mochrie:
Oh, man!
Colin Mochrie:
It's ok I have an extra burnoose!
Ryan Stiles:
[buzzer] I can't stop laughing!
Colin Mochrie:
[repeated Line] THE CAT!
Colin Mochrie:
[Greatest Hits, after a joke about an about Animal Sounds gone wrong] Hey Ryan
Ryan Stiles:
Yeah, Colin?
Colin Mochrie:
What sound does a Blackbird make?
Ryan Stiles:
I have no idea
Colin Mochrie:
[In a bird-like tone] O-per-a!
Ryan Stiles:
O-Per-a!
Colin Mochrie:
O-per-a!
[Wayne comes over and stares at them]
Colin Mochrie:
Wait a minute! Opera's a song style!
Colin Mochrie:
[Greatest Hits] Y'now one time I saw a strong man bend a car at a circus-waitaminute! Bend a car! PAT BENATAR!
Ryan Stiles:
Okay, you've proved your point!
Colin Mochrie:
You're not the only master of segues!
Colin Mochrie:
Y'now, in Canada, they don't have beds, they have cots with filly paper on them-wait a second! Bed cot filly paper? RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS!
Ryan Stiles:
They don't get it
Colin Mochrie:
Bed, cot, filly, paper, red, hot, chilli, peppers.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh!
Colin Mochrie:
Yeah, like it made sense before!
Drew Carey:
If famous movie lines were done by cartoon characters.
Greg Proops:
[as Scooby Doo] Uh, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!
Colin Mochrie:
[as Elmer Fudd] Feeling wucky punk!
Ryan Stiles:
[as Popeye] I'll be back-agagagagagagag!
Colin Mochrie:
[as Snagglepuss] Rosebud, even!
Wayne Brady:
[as Yogi Bear] Hey, Punk! Are you feeing lucky? Do you wanna see what's in my pic-a-nic basket?
[during "Songs of Accounting"]
Colin Mochrie:
And out of great boredome comes great songs.
[during "Songs of Accounting"]
Colin Mochrie:
Every song a hit, and every hit a smack!
Drew Carey:
Normally, I'd give Wayne all the points, but something about the way Greg was tapping his toes...
[laughs]
Drew Carey:
That's right, baby. See me in my trailer after the show.
[after Party Quirks, when Ryan was playing a foal being born]
Drew Carey:
Ryan "Anything for Laughs" Stiles.
Ryan Stiles:
That's how I got the job in the other show, remember?
Drew Carey:
A lot of people forget that on the Drew Carey show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.
Ryan Stiles:
Of course, some of us needed a wide ankle lens.
Drew Carey:
And some of us needed a zoom.
Drew Carey:
The next game is called African Chant. Wayne will do the chant.
Wayne Brady:
Hey, how come I gotta
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