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"Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place"
(1998)
-
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Berg:
[upon meeting Ashley] See anything you like?
Ashley Walker:
Wow, where you get that line? Because you need to give it back.
Sharon Carter:
Actually, we're engaged "in theory."
Pete:
Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about.
Sharon Carter:
Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple - an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory.
Johnny Donnelly:
Good luck finding a card for that.
Berg:
I can't stand you.
Ashley:
I loathe you.
Berg:
I despise you.
Ashley:
I hate you.
Berg:
I can get us a room.
Ashley:
I can drive.
Sharon:
Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage.
Berg:
I never... want to forget that you said that.
Berg:
[About his use of an asthma inhaler] You know how they say not to exceed the daily recommended dosage?
Pete:
Yeah?
Berg:
Well I'm the guy... who exceeds it so they know why they shouldn't.
[About Pete]
Melissa:
What does he tell you about me?
Berg:
Everything.
Melissa:
Like what, everything?
Berg:
Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop.
Melissa:
Really?
Berg:
And you... do a phenomenal Linda Ronstadt imitation.
Melissa:
Aww... Pete.
Berg:
And he hates sushi... but goes with you all the time because he knows you love it.
Melissa:
Why didn't he say anything?
Berg:
And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex.
Berg:
I don't like you being mad at me.
Pete:
I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. Berg, I'm gonna be 25 and I don't even know where my life is - and the one good thing I had, I messed up. When my dad was my age, he had a house, he had a wife, he had me. I mean, what do I have?
Berg:
You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening.
Pete:
Irene, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you handle never winning.
Ashley:
Go like this.
[pretending to get something out of her teeth]
Berg:
[picking his teeth] What, do I have something in my teeth?
Ashley:
No, now go away.
Pete:
I'm twenty-five, why are you telling people I'm thirty?
Berg:
You get better presents.
Berg:
Hi, my name is Berg... and I'm addicted to messing with Pete.
Berg:
Just remember that my eye drop experiments paid for that sofa.
Pete:
Berg, what color would you say that sofa is?
Berg:
I dunno... blue?
Ashley:
Well, a strong enough wind could blow it right over.
Pete:
[laughs] What, are you kiddin' me? You're a med student. What the hell do you know about architecture?
Ashley:
Well, my father's an architect.
Pete:
Yeah, well, my mother's a woman, but that doesn't mean I understand them.
Sharon:
It's true, he really doesn't.
Ashley:
Sharon doesn't want to rush into marriage and make the same mistakes that her mother did.
Berg:
Oh ,yeah, that's it.
Sharon:
That *is* it.
Berg:
I said, "Oh yeah that's it."
Berg:
So, your mother hates Johnny.
Sharon:
No, my mother loves Johnny.
Berg:
So, she loves Johnny too much.
Sharon:
No, my mother's been married three times.
Berg:
And once to Johnny!
Pete:
Berg, what you need is a little reenactment. Sharon? Would you like to play the part of Ashley?
Sharon:
Oh, yes... no... yes... no.
[to Pete]
Sharon:
I'm getting into character.
Pete:
Berg, I'm just not cut out to be a good person.
Berg:
I know. That's why the Lord gave us good looks.
Berg:
You know not with whom you mess.
Ashley:
Aww, you like Irene!
Berg:
[pretending he doesn't] *You* like Irene!
Ashley:
It's OK, Berg. Some people actually think it's a good thing to like the person you're making love to.
Berg:
We are not making love! We're having sex! We're having dirty, dirty sex!
Pete:
Berg, you can't sleep in my bed, people talk enough as it is. Go sleep on the couch.
Berg:
I can't sleep on the couch. Last week I spilled milk on it and for some reason it smells bad.
Pete:
So go sleep on the floor!
Berg:
I can't sleep on the floor.
Pete:
Why not?
Berg:
For some reason there's a trail of ants leading to the couch.
Berg:
Y'know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier, and they said something very intriguing.
Pete:
Don't quote your shoes.
Berg:
"Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost."
Pete:
What do you think they meant by that?
Berg:
No idea. I'm gonna take them for a walk in the park, try and get it out of them.
Berg:
Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.
Pete:
Oh. Oh, well listen... I'll give you the name of her connection -the post office!
[at a boxing match]
Ashley:
What am I doing here?
Sharon:
According to the Bible, to balance out "good."
Pete:
Ashley, if you're here, who's running hell?
Sharon Carter:
Oh, run away, you bimbos, the killer's right behind you! Don't turn around. Don't... start making out with the other girl.
[reads video cover]
Sharon Carter:
"I Know Who You Did Last Summer." Cute, guys.
Sharon Carter:
Can I talk to you guys for a second?
[storms past them]
Berg:
She knows.
Pete:
She does?
Berg:
Play dumb.
Pete:
We are dumb.
[they walk over to Sharon]
Sharon Carter:
Are you guys nuts?
Berg:
[flipping a page on his notepad] I'm Nuts. This is my partner, Pretzels.
Pete:
What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
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