Lt. Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication? Mr. Bean: Not that I know of. Lt. Brutus: You certainly could use some. General Newton: I don't know the difference between Picasso and a car crash. [after seeing what Bean did to the painting] David Langley: Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Mary mother Jesus of Nazareth! David Langley: Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick! David Langley: I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born. David Langley: Come on, everybody, it's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius of the very highest order! Lt. Brutus: He's a genius, huh? David Langley: That's what they tell me. Lt. Brutus: Well, he looks like a fruit cake to me. David Langley: Doesn't it take, like, five hours? Mr. Bean: ...not... necessarily David Langley: I must admit, over the time you've been here, certain... suspicions have begun to gather in my mind. I'm going to be frank here... are you a doctor? Mr. Bean: ummm... [shakes head] David Langley: okay number two, do you know anything about art. I mean... let me see... was Leonardo Da Vinci a famous American basketball player? [sniggers] David Langley: [Bean looks confused, David's face drops] Mr. Bean: ...yes
: ...I see [brings his hand up to his face] Mr. Bean: [at the virtual rollercoaster ride talking to David] Brace yourself! Kevin Langley: Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt? Mr. Bean: Hello, I'm Dr. Bean. Apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. If it were very small, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it. Which would be a shame. Secondly, and I'm getting quite near the end of this... analysis, secondly, why was it worth this man spending fifty million of your American dollars? And the answer to that is, that it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned, staying with my best friend David Langley and his family, families are very important. Even though Mr. Whistler was obviously aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she'd had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her, and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. And that's marvellous. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of. Well that's what I think. Kevin Langley: I can't sleep. I can'e stop thinking about naked women. What about you? Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother. Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on!