Stanley Motss: The President will be a hero. He brought peace. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: But there was never a war. Stanley Motss: All the greater accomplishment. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. Stanley Motss: When it's cooking, it's cooking. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What's the thing people remember about the Gulf War? A bomb falling down a chimney. Let me tell you something: I was in the building where we filmed that with a 10-inch model made out of Legos. Stanley Motss: Is that true? Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Who the hell's to say? Stanley Motss: It's okay, he's not dead. [gunshot] Stanley Motss: Uh, strike that. Stanley Motss: As long as he gets his medications, he's fine. Winifred Ames: What if he doesn't get them? Stanley Motss: He's not fine. [after discovering that their "hero" is actaully a convict] Winifred Ames: What did he do? Stanley Motss: He raped a nun... Winifred Ames: Oh, God. Oh, God. Jes - Oh, God! Stanley Motss: And... Winifred Ames: "And"? I don't want to know an "and". Why is there an "and"? Stanley Motss: Look, look, look, look, look. He's fine as long as he gets his medication... Winifred Ames: And if he doesn't get his medications? Stanley Motss: He's not fine. Winifred Ames: Why Albania? Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Why not? Winifred Ames: What have they done to us? Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What have they done FOR us? What do you know about them? Winifred Ames: Nothing. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: See? They keep to themselves. Shifty. Untrustable.
[Commissioned to write a propaganda song about war with Albania]
Johnny Dean: Albania's hard to rhyme. Tracy Lime: What would they do if I did tell someone? Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Come to your house and kill you. Stanley Motss: It's all, you know, thinking ahead thinking ahead. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: It's like being a plumber. Stanley Motss: Yea, it's like a plumber: do your job right and nobody should notice. But when you fuck it up, everything gets full of shit. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: All combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments. Johnny Dean: I was just on my way to get drunk. [Repeated line] Stanley Motss: This is NOTHING. [after the plane crash] Winifred Ames: This is all your fault you liberal, commie, convict-hiring fuck. We're stranded miles from nowhere, no idea where we are, so what are we gonna do now you so-sure, twinkle-toed, Hollywood shit-head? Huh? What now? Stanley Motss: This is nothing. This is nothing. Piece of cake, walk in the park. This is nothing. Stanley Motss: That's right. During the filming of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one- The War. CIA Agent Mr. Young: There are two things I know to be true. There's no difference between good flan and bad flan, and there is no war." Winifred Ames: This is all your fault you liberal commie convict hiring fuck. Stanley Motss: I bet you're great at chess. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I would be if I could remember how all the pieces moved. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: You can't tell anyone about this. Tracy Lime: It is like a union thing? Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Stanley, don't do this. You're playing with your life here. Stanley Motss: Fuck my life. I want the credit. CIA Agent Mr. Young: When the fit hits the shan somebody's going to have to stay behind after school. [repeated line] Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I'm working on it. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What difference does it make if it's true? If it's a story and it breaks, they're gonna run with it. Conrad 'Connie' Brean: We're not gonna have a war, we're gonna have the appearance of a war. Conrad 'Connie' Brean:
Would you go to war to do that?