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Kitty:
You want to save the duck, you need to save the lake. You want to save the lake, you need to raise money. You want to raise money, you need to find some ninny to be man of the year.
Dharma:
[to Greg] Who sprinkled YOU with horny dust this morning?
[Larry is being taken to the hospital]
Kitty:
Take my dress. It has magical powers.
Larry:
Hey, Kitty saw me naked.
Dharma:
Me too.
[they high five]
Greg:
[to Dharma] I wouldn't want our marriage to get in the way of your dating.
Dharma:
Welcome to the Pompous Room. May I check Madame's pole, or will she be keeping it up her butt?
Greg:
What's in the pipe, Larry?
Greg:
Justice Department.
Treasury Officer:
Treasury Department.
Dharma:
San Francisco Library.
Greg:
Justice Department
Treasury Officer:
Treasury Department
Dharma:
San Francisco Library
Jane Deaux:
Organ Donor
Kitty:
Fine. As long as nobody gets their way, I'm happy.
Dharma:
One time when I was babysitting your monkey, I took him to a fancy party without telling you.
Jane Deaux:
Is that where he started smoking again?
Dharma:
MmmHmm...
Jane Deaux:
Do you know how hard it is to get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey?
Doctor:
She had a tatoo of Lindy landing in Paris on her back. If she moved certain muscles just right, she could get the wheels off the ground.
Dharma:
[answering Greg's cell phone, after having slept with Greg] Greg's pants. He's not in them right now.
Dharma:
Yeah, yeah, blah, blah! Here, have some cake.
Greg:
You wanna have children?
Dharma:
Yeah, unless you wanna have 'em!
Greg:
What are you doing?
Dharma:
Wait a second, can you see me?
Greg:
Yes.
Dharma:
Oh, I totally misunderstood that groom-can't-see-the-bride-in-her-wedding-dress-thing.
Kitty:
What are you doing here? You can't see her in her dress!
Dharma:
See, that's what I thought!
Greg:
Oh, my parents aren't exactly the best hosts. They're difficult to warm up to. I know I never have.
Dharma:
You're gonna be a great Dad!
Greg:
How do you know? How am I gonna know what to do?
Dharma:
Oh, you'll watch what I do. You'll totally disapprove and do the complete opposite.
Greg:
Come on,Mother, do you really think Dad enjoyed sitting on a blanket in the park watching Othello?
Kitty:
He cried.
Greg:
That's because you ran out of wine.
Jane Deaux:
What's that? It smells like you're frying vomit!
Dharma:
Close. I'm making a great big pot of Haggis
Jane Deaux:
What have you been drinking?
Dharma:
Scotch! Which was invented by the great Scotsman, Angus McBarf when his wife told him what was for dinner.
Greg:
What do you think?
Dharma:
Well, I think that one of us should go talk to your Dad, and I think you should go talk to your Mom.
Greg:
I know what you just did.
Dharma:
Me too! Go with God!
Edward Montgomery:
[drinking Martinis naked] Ball and chain has gone away, doo-dah, doo-dah. Drink Martinis Naked day. Dah-di-doo-dah-day!
Dharma:
Honey, are you OK?
Greg:
I'm fine. I'm just lying here trying to decide whether your father is a hole surrounded by ass.
Greg:
Were you this sarcastic before we met or is this something I have done?
Dharma:
A little you, a little your mother.
Kitty:
Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be *me*.
Dharma:
Your mother is a lusty volcano waiting to erupt!
Greg:
Okay, we have to establish some ground rules here. We never use the words mother, lusty and erupt in the same sentence.
Dharma:
...but that doesn't change the fact that we have no money.
Marci:
Maybe not, but we've got love.
Dharma:
Well, I could try to pay the phone bill with love, but I think it's a felony.
Marci:
Actually, prostitution is only a misdemeanor.
Dharma:
Great, that takes care of the phone bill!
Dharma:
George! I'm so glad to see you! How are you?
George:
Still dead, otherwise good.
Kitty:
Come Edward, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
Edward Montgomery:
I hope his name is Johnny Walker.
Kitty:
It's the archbishop.
Edward Montgomery:
I hope it's Archbishop Johnny Walker.
Dharma:
George, have I changed?
George:
I don't know, but you could have mentioned that you moved. I scared the hell out of some skinny guy in the shower!
Greg:
*I* went to boarding school, it's not the worst thing in the world!
Dharma:
Excuse me! Aren't you the person who said that boarding school is the worst thing in the world?
Dharma:
[standing on the roof with a news helicopter overhead] I celebrate nature's awakening from her winter slumber! This is my dance to the spring!
[takes her robe off]
Greg:
[watching the news downstairs]
[yells]
Greg:
Dharmaaaaaaaa!
[runs out]
TV News Reporter:
[from the TV] My God, I *love* this job!
Dharma:
Silly, you don't sleep in the rain, you make love in the rain!
Greg:
Ahhh!
[pause]
Greg:
What if there's lightning?
Dharma:
Then *you* get to be on top!
Greg:
[while Abby is dealing tarot cards] Can we just get this over with? Hit me.
Dharma:
[looks at the card] *Death*!
Greg:
Hit me again.
Abigail Kathleen 'Abby' O'Neil:
Now, Dharma, "death" doesn't always mean death. Sometimes it just means a change is coming.
Greg:
Yeah! Like a haircut.
Dharma:
[yells] I didn't dream you died in a fiery haircut!
Greg:
[marches with Pete, Larry, and Edward down a hallway like astronauts while triumphant music plays in the background]
[music stops]
Greg:
What the hell are we doing?
Dharma:
[while searching through their dead neighbor's belongings] Aha! See? Unfinished business!
Greg:
[looks at the piece of paper] She's tethered to this earthly plane because she didn't pick up her dry-cleaning?
Dharma:
*You* would be.
Greg:
[looking at the horrible Thanksgiving meal that Kitty prepared] My mother cooked. In what *universe* does my mother cook?
Dharma:
[about running opponent Karen Love] It's her name. I mean, how can you *not* vote for "care and love"? Guess I might as well change my name to "lower taxes and free balloons for all the kids."
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