Gas Station Attendant: Sir, did you know there's a hole in your gas tank. Stanley Stupid: That's how you get the gas in there. Stanley Stupid: Be on the look out for anything suspicious. Buster Stupid: Dad, they're putting make-up on men in there. Stanley Stupid: Bull's eye. Buster Stupid: What if we formed our own army? Petunia Stupid: Then we'd have to form our own country. Joan Stupid: We could call it Stupidia. Joan Stupid: Oh dear I left the garbage out over night. Stanley Stupid: [looking inside cans] Oh no. Someone's stolen our garbage again. [thinking they've died and gone to Heaven] Stanley: Hail to thee, Oh Lord. The Lloyd: Actually, it's pronounced 'Lloyd'. Stanley: [to Petunia] All these years we've been saying it wrong. Joan Stupid: Note to self: must buy hand held tape recorder. Then I will no longer be speaking into the garage door opener. [Stanley tries to start it using an invisible key] Stanley Stupid: The car won't start. Buster Stupid: Maybe the battery is dead. Joan Stupid: It was perfectly healthy this morning. Joan Stupid: Stanley, you must beware of the Drive B. Stanley Stupid: What's a Drive B? Joan Stupid: We don't know, but whatever error you make with it could be fatal. Stanley Stupid: [notices a bee landing on his steering wheel] What are you doing, you darn bee? Can't you see I'm trying to drive? Oh, my God! The drive bee! [Stanley's car has exploded right when he swatted a bee on it with his shoe] Stanley Stupid: Now that's a well-made shoe. Stanley's Neighbor: Hey Stanley, I haven't seen you much this weekend. What have you been doing? Stanley Stupid: Oh you know, had breakfast, read the paper, saved the world. Joan Stupid: As your president of Stupidia, I appoint Stanley Stupid head of the army. [Stanley who just escaped from the base, raced to the car] Joan Stupid: Your first assignment is to go onto that army base and rescue my husband. Buster Stupid: And rescue our d
ad. Stanley Stupid: I'm afraid those two will have to wait, we've got to get to a place called Warehouse 21. [When noticing a letter with "Return to Sender" on it] Stanley: Who is this Sender and what is he doing with other people's mail? Evil Sender: [Reading a letter] "If you still love me, Sally, tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree". I'm afraid the only thing that's going to be hanging from that tree is you, "Bob"! [Throws it into the fire] Charles Sender: No time to talk, I'm afraid. I'm taking over the heads of a dozen foreign countries. Policeman: [on the phone] Hello, is this Mrs. Stupid? Joan Stupid: Yes. Policeman: We have your children here, Ma'am. Joan Stupid: Oh my God, it's true. The police have kidnapped my children! Talk Show Hostess: Have you ever thought that you came from a strange or unusual family? Well, after you meat our guests, you might want to adjust your standards. Talk Show Guest #1: I divorced my wife in order to marry her daughter. Talk Show Guest #2: I married a siamese twin and had an affair with her sister. Talk Show Guest #3: I've been engaged to three of my cousins. Stanley Stupid: I'm, well, to tell you the truth, I'm my own Grandpa. Talk Show Hostess: You're your own Grandpa? Well, for some of us who don't understand this, can you explain? Stanley Stupid: Well, yes. It's quite simple, really. [sings] Stanley Stupid: Many many years ago when I was twenty three/ I was married to a widow who was purdy as can be/ This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red/ My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed/ Stanley Stupid: This made my dad my son in law and changed my very life/ For my daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife/ To complicate the matters even though it brought me joy I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy/ Stanley Stupid: This little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad/ And so became my uncle though it made me very sad/ For if he was my uncle than it also makes him brother/ To the widow's grown-up daughter who of course if my stepmother/ Stanley Stupid: My father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run/ And he became my grandchild 'cause he was my daughter's son/ My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue/ For although she is my wife she is my grandmother too/ Stanley Stupid: If my wife is my grandmother than I am her grandchild/ And every time I think of this it nearly drives me wild/ Talk Show Hostess: has got to be the craziest thing I ever saw Stanley Stupid: As husband to my grandmother I am my own grandpa! [flashback of Lloyd in the Planetarium after one of the guards spits gum on the floor]
: Remember: throw your gum in the trash after you get done chewing it. I spend a huge amount of my time cleaning up gum. [flash forward back to Stanley tied to the chair and enraged] Stanley Stupid: In the name of the Lloyd! Stanley Stupid: I'm stuck, I'm caught, I'm trapped! Somebody help me out here! Petunia Stupid: I'm cornered! Stanley Stupid: That's it, I'm cornered! That's the word I'm looking for. Chinese Waiter #2: It's not our battle to fight, Johnson. We have enough trouble getting soy sauce into these tiny packets! Late Night Show Host: [reading off a "cue card", actually a reminder note held by Mrs. Stupid] Give it up to the Fat Guy!