advertisement Nikki: [on the phone] I'm sorry I scared you mother. It was a simple, run-of-the-mill orgasm. [a woman is making a pass at Carter] Carter: Your heterosexual powers have no effect on me. Roberta: Mr. Mayor, would you consider marching in the Gay Pride Parade this week? Mayor Winston: What, are you drunk? Mike: There are 10 commandments. I'd like your dates to check out on at least 7 of them. Ashley: We shouldn't have culturally insensitive sex. Carter: If the Deputy Mayor speaks in his office, and there are no cameras to hear, does he make a sound? Nikki: Oh, Stuart, one day you're going to make some woman very, very unhappy. Mike: Look at Dick Clark. Not a grey hair on his head and he's as popular now as he was 100 years ago. Mike: My grandmother thought that a homosexual was a person who slept with one person their whole life. We were gonna let it slide but she kept telling the mailman she was a homosexual. Mike: Now, I don't want to hear any excuses. Stuart: You sure? 'Cause I've been saving the doozy. It starts out as an excuse but I end up blaming James. Mike: Anybody read this? Bingo died. Karen: Ohh! Who's Bingo? Mike: Only the city's most decorated police dog. Nikki: Oh, yeah, right. He pulled that drowning kid out of the reservoir. James: And didn't he sniff out 10 kilos of cocaine at La Guardia? Mike: Yeah. Poor little guy didn't sleep for weeks after that. Paul: You know, I've been allergic to cats all my life, but at the pet morgue, nothing. Turns out I'm not allergic to dead cats. Carter: Then you should definitely get one. Holly: I don't have the patience to ask you again. Leave me alone or I'll have you terminated. Stuart: You can't fire me. Holly: I meant killed. Mike: I had sex with this woman, Kevin. And she wants to get pregnant. She kidnapped my "guys"! And she put them in the freezer! Kevin: That old story. [after Carter's dog electrocuted himself by licking a lamp socket] Mike: That had to hurt. [On erections] Nikki: Can't you guys control those things? Stuart: Not always. Mike: You can scold it, or smack it around a little bit. That only seems to encourage it. Nikki: I am fascinated. James: Sometimes all it takes is a thought, memory... sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze. Drew West: So, Randy... what's your favorite sexual position? Mayor Winston: Well, that's really not any of your business. However, I hear yours is "Man on top, woman in magazine." Mayor Winston: Are you sure this is the best title for my autobiography? "Winston On Winston"? Mike: Hey, as long there aren't two guys on the cover, I think we're okay. Stuart: Big 3-0, huh? It's the perfect age. You can date college girls *and* their mothers. Mike: As my assistant, occasionally you may need to assist me. Stuart: I remember the first time I got mugged. It was by a woman. She came up to me, made small talk, put her hand in my pocket, and made off with my wallet. James: That's horrible! Stuart: I've paid more to get less. Stuart: If that woman ever shows her face again, I will unleash a punishment upon her she cannot even fathom. Carter: What are you gonna do? You gonna date her? James: Each year my mom makes a candy Nativity scene. [Carter walks by] James: Chocolate Jesus. Carter: James, at work, just call me Carter. Stuart: Oh take it outta hyper-gay! Mayor Winston: I am not a child, and I *will not* be treated like one! Charlie: Sir, you forgot your shoes. Mayor Winston: I don't care. Stuart: This is New York. You can't swing a mesh tank top without hitting a gay guy. Charlie: It says you're involved in the war against pornography. Stuart: No, that's 'the war on the war' against pornography. Charlie: I thought that was a typo! [Carter tires of giving dating advice] James: Nikki asked me to get her a drink. What should I bring her? Carter: I don't know... a drink? James: She said to surprise her. Carter: Serve it to her naked. [the staff is concerned that the mayor may cheat on his wife] Mike: All right, everybody huddle up, close your eyes, I want to paint you a mental picture; the mayor is very vulnerable tonight, there are a lot of reporters here tonight, and also in attendance is a woman I will refer to simply as "The Shark", whereas the Mayor is like an older, slow-moving sea lion. Stuart: [French accent] I will stay aboard the Calypso, while my assistant, Mike, dive into the ocean to join in the life and death struggle between the shark and the noble sea lion. [Stuart visits Carter at his gym. Carter is wearing a headband] Stuart: Hey carter, is that headband to keep the bald out of your eyes? Mike: My friend Sebastian saw you at a dance club Friday night. Stacey: How'd he know it was me Mike: You had your tongue in his mouth Mike: Stuart, what makes someone a hero? Stuart: I'd have to go with x-ray vision. Mayor Winston: Mike, look out that window. We preside over the greatest city in the world. Mike: Sir, that's New Jersey. Mike: I know the German word for constipation, which I believe is farfrompoopin. James: How many women have you slept with? Stuart: Roughly... James: I don't care *how* you did it, you sicko. Stacey: Carter, act like my boyfriend. Carter: Sorry, I don't have time to buy a Camaro and alienate your parents. Paul: I can't seem to get Claudia pregnant. Every night she's on my back riding me. Mike: I think I've zeroed in on your problem. Mike: Why don't you like me anymore? Nikki: I don't want to talk to you about this. You're just going to confuse me. You're too charming, you're too smart, you're too clever. Mike: I can change. Heidi Klum: We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter. Caitlin: I'm gonna run this campaign, I'm gonna win it and you can't stop me. Mike: Let's not get so dramatic, okay? This is not some cheesy soap opera. Mike: I know you think you have all the answers, but believe me, you need what I have up here. Caitlin: What, half a bottle of mousse? Paul: You know, I suck up to you until I'm out of suck and I'm out of up, and what do you do? You come in, you take my office! Why don't you say we switch roles for a minute, okay? How bout you kiss *my* ass for a while? Caitlin: Mike, believe it or not, the whole universe does not revolve around you. Mike: Are you calling my mom a liar? Deirdre: All right Blondie, listen up, here's the rules. You stay away from my man, or you and I are going to be co-starring in a play I like to call, "Deirdre the Prison Guard". Caitlin: No offense, but I'm not interested in your man, so why don't you just march those $12 pumps back to the trailer park and whip up some dinner for cousin dad? Mike: This is like a step back in time! Owen Kingston: Though men like us look to the future. [Mike is on TV] Mike: I can't believe that's me. Mayor Winston: Oh, I know ALL about that. You're here talking, but you're there talking... tricky. Mayor Winston: Did you know that when I was in college, I made a student film? Mike: Really? Mayor Winston: The Yale Daily News called it "an incoherent mess". Mike: Nothing gets done without me knowing. Caitlin: I fired James. Mike: Touch Charlie: Sir. You called me Charlie! Mayor Winston: Ah, don't let it go to your head, Mike! Caitlin: I'm gonna take you down to the park, take off all your clothes, and... smear you with honey. [why Mike's not interested in kissing her after she is 2 hours late home] Mike: By 9.30, well, something had built up. Let's call it... tension. And you know me... I'm a problem solver! Nikki: Oh... Mike! [Mike suspects he's cursed] Mike: Your grandmother does have special powers, does she? Stacey: No. Mike: She can't place a hex or a curse on somebody, can she? Stacey: She can place a curse, but she can't fly. Stuart: Nice dress Nikki. Who are you gonna meet - Felicity? Nikki: You actually watch Felicity? Stuart: Not since she cut her hair. Nikki: [on the phone] No, mom, I'm not a lesbian. What? No, mom! I'm not a lesbian! I sleep with men. I sleep with lots of men. I'm a slut for God's sake! [Stuart is making fun of Carter's boyfriend, who is a boxer] Mike: That's right, Stuart. Taunt the professional ass kicker. [James has been told to look after the Mayor's daughter] Stuart: Hey Mike. I'm free. Why don't you let me look after the Mayor's daughter? Mike: The same reason they don't give guns to monkeys. Stuart: I take my coffee the way I take my women. Stacey: Are you sure you want to pay 75 bucks for a cup of coffee? [Paul has just got kicked out by his mother] Carter: Oh, to be cast out to the world at the tender age of 40. Charlie: I couldn't face have lost my father, and I runaway from my home. I lived alone, without my family, but, I lived many adventures, and I have many friends. Psychologist: Well Charlie, that's very interesting. Caitlin: Of course it is, it's The Lion King! Paul: I'm getting sued for being shot in the head? Mike: Can you believe this guy? Carter: No. He has absolutely crossed the line. Who are we talking about? James: Can men do this? Mike: Men, yes. You, no. Paul: If this gets out then I'll be the laughingstock of the city! Stuart: Oh that ship has sailed. [the Mayor is about to meet the President] Mayor Winston: What if I slap him? Caitlin: Why would you slap him? Mayor Winston: Well, you know, you tell yourself, "Don't slap the President, don't slap the President." [locked in Paul's trunk] Caitlin: I know you would enjoy this. Mike: What are you taking about? I am not enjoying this! Caitlin: Yes you are. I can feel "it." Mike: That's a tire iron. Caitlin: I don't care what sick name you call it! Get it off me! [Pulls out a tire iron] Mike: See. Caitlin: Ok. Then what is "that! Mike: Ok. I am a little excited. [Caitlin kissed Mike when there was turbulence] Mike: I get it. So whenever you're scared, you make out with guy nearest to you. Someday, you're going to make some mugger really happy. Mike: Hey, that is it. I'm officially taking down the suggestion box. "Wisconsin Rules!" is not a suggestion. James: I know, I just wanted to hear someone else say it. Wisconsin Rules! Janelle Cooper: [after beating Stewart in Air Hockey] Stewart, here's the fax you've been waiting for. And a message from Roberta in payroll. Oh, and I almost forgot. I also have your pride, self-respect, and what's left of your manhood. Carter: You should get that back. Might need that someday. James: Stewart, I don't feel well. Knowing about Mike's mom and the Mayor is killing me. Stuart: James, secrets are power. You get something good like this, you sit on it. Right now, you leak it, it's just office gossip that makes everyone uncomfortable, BUT, in 20 years when Mike's running for President, this little gem gets me an ambassadorship to Sweden. James: What do I get? Stuart: Topless postcard from Sweden! Claudia Sacks Lassiter: You are the man with the rose at a table away from the bathroom? I missed you, Paulie! Paul: Oh Claudia, I missed you too! Claudia Sacks Lassiter: I missed you more! Paul: Oh no, I don't think that's possible, you don't know my capacity for missing somebody! Claudia Sacks Lassiter: Well I couldn't even concentrate! Paul: That's nothing! I couldn't sleep! Claudia Sacks Lassiter: I couldn't eat! Paul: Really? How did you stay alive? Mayor Winston: [to Mike, after a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt appears on the front page of a newspaper] That used to be my ass, Flaherty. Stuart: [to Mike, after a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt appears on the front page of a newspaper] What did Heidi Klum's butt taste like? Mike: Stealing someone's fianc閑. Priceless. Deirdre: [to Carter] I have three words for you: Dog. Butt. Firecracker! Mike: God is for weekends, sir. He's like Michelob. Jennifer Duncan: [Charlie and Jennifer finish watching a report about each other] I better get going. Charlie: Okay... Have you seen my boxers? Jennifer Duncan: [Jennifer gets out of bed] Oh, yeah, I'm wearing them. Charlie: Okay. Jennifer Duncan: [looks around the room] Have you seen my thong? [Charlie looks under the blankets to discover he is wearing it and sadly nods] Mayor Winston: New York City, this is the mayor. I have been stolen.