Clarissa Darling: This bites! Porter Russell: You saw Hugh's column? Clarissa Darling: Yeah, he makes me sound like this naive freak of nature. Porter Russell: No, he doesn't. Not really. Clarissa Darling: Right here he says, "Clarissa's a naive freak of nature." Hugh Hamilton: I can't have you looking at me with that "you-just-cooked-my-pet-turtle-but-I-forgive-you" expression.