advertisement Dad: [Listening to radio] Aw good it's a fishing show. Ah! It's a Christmas show disguised as a fishing show. Wouldn't you know it there's a Santa on the boat. Louie: [sarcastically] Now there's Christmas spirit. Dad: I heard that! Dad: Go get the saw out of the garage. Go on and get that stand out of the basement. Louie: You mean the stand that came over on the Mayflower? Dad: It's a good stand! It's been handed down generation after generation. When I was kid we didn't have any stands, WE HAD TO TAKE TURNS HOLDING THAT TREE! Louie: [about the Christmas tree] Dad! It's crooked! Dad: Put it by the TV. No one will notice. For 35 bucks that tree should dance! Dad: How much for this Christmas tree without any limbs? Salesman: $35. Dad: WHAT? You gonna come over and decorate it for us? I'll give you three bucks for it. Louie: Oh my gosh! He's not our legal father! Dad: Hey Louie! It's a scheduled holiday, kid! It's Paint the Garage Day! Dad: He offered $5,000? Louie: Bud, Dad, you love that car. Dad: Well I love your mother but for $5,000! Louie: Dad, you don't mean that. Dad: Louie! Check the Santa. Make sure it's grounded! Louie: Make sure you're grounded! Dad: I heard that! Dad: [Hanging onto rain gutter] Hurry up, you kids, I'm losing my grip! Grunewald: [Sarcastically] You can say that again. Dad: I heard that! Dad: My boy is as American as those French fries you're eating. [Dad is selling the house] Motorist: Yo, I'll give you $50 for it. Dad: How'd you like to eat this house? Rafter by rafter, nail by nail, limb from limb! JoJo Stomopolis: Alright, Louie, give me a tee. [Expects a golf tee] Louie: Tee! Jojo Stomopolis: What? Give me a tee. Louie: Tee! Jojo Stomopolis: Are you listening? I said give me a tee! Louie: Tee! Jojo Stomopolis: I'm guessing this is going to be a long day. Louie Anderson: I'm supposed to be your caddy *and* carry your clubs? Jojo Stomopolis: Where's my two iron? Louie Anderson: Well you used it on the tenth hole. Jojo Stomopolis: Yeah, and...? Louie Anderson: Well, I thought you were done with it. Jojo Stomopolis: So you left it there? Louie Anderson: I'm supposed to carry these things to every hole? Louie Anderson: I'm tellin' ya, Dad, computers. They're the wave of the future. Jojo says so. Dad: Thanks for the tip, Louie, I'll be sure to invest my nest egg. Hey, Honey, how much is my nest egg? Mom: [Looking in cookie jar] Three dollars and two oatmeal delights. Dad: [sarcastically] Computers. Ha ha. There's a real growth industry. A passing fad if I ever heard one. Tommy: Let's watch TV. Dad: No TV at dinner time! Louie: But we always watch TV at dinner. Dad: It's a waste of electricity. Besides it's summer, you know they'll just show the reruns. You wanna watch TV, sit back and remember the show from the first time you saw it. Just watch me, I'll show you. Ah ha ha ha ha! Louie: What's so funny? Louie: I'm remembering an F-Troop from October. That was a good one! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Louie Anderson: [Reading job ad to Dad] Wanted: Nursery School Superintendent. Must be calm, pleasant demeanor, and good with children. Dad: Hey, did they write that for me or what? [Trips on a tricycle] Dad: For crying out loud, Tommy, how many times do I have to tell you to put your toys away? Motorist: [Andy is selling the Rambler] Hey, Anderson, you selling that junk heap for parts? Dad: Hold me back, Louie! We're going back to Normandy! Louie: Um, Dad. [Dad has accidentally painted over the windows] Dad: Huh? It's better this way. Too much sun makes ya cranky. Louie: You should know, Dad. Dad: I heard that! Mom: Guess what? I got a job. Dad: All you've ever done in your life is cook, clean, dust, sweep, scrub, suckle, and nurture. What would you possibly know about work? Mom: I'm going to be a Lucky Lady. Dad: You mean one of those people who sell feminine products door to door? Fine. Fine! Do what you want. Go see what it's like in this dog eat dog, dog eat Dad, Dad bite dog, bigger dog come after Dad world! [Louie is selling lemonade] Dad: Give me a glass, Louie. Louie: Five cents. Dad: What? I paid for the lemonade mix! Louie: Five cents! Dad: [Pays and drinks] Mmm, this is real good, if you wanna remove rats from the Titanic! [Louie is selling lemonade] Dad: Alright, if your product's lousy, you need an aggressive sales pitch. Watch me. Hey, lemonade Mrs. Stillman? It's only a nickel. Mrs. Stillman: Well, maybe. Dad: What do you mean maybe? It's 150 degrees out here, you're sweating like a dog! Mrs. Stillman: [Insulted] Well, I'll come back later Louie when you're not so *crowded*. Louie: [Dad is working in the garage] Um, Dad. Dad: Snipers! SIX O'CLOCK! [Dives behind the car and emerges wearing a bucket on his head and holding a power drill] Dad: What did I tell you about sneaking up on a military man? Louie Anderson: [narrating] The Anderson name has been dragged through the mud, and I was just the man to hose it off. Dad: [on the phone with his boss] That's right, I want that apology in writing. In triplicate. Got it? No wait a minute, make it three copies. Dad: [doorbell rings] If that's another one of them salesman, I'm gonna... Mom: You're gonna what? Dad: Uh... Invite them in for dessert. [Grunewald is throwing pebbles at Louie's window to wake him up] Dad: Hey Grunewald, ever hear of a doorbell? Grunewald: I don't wanna wake everybody up. Dad: [to neighbor who wants to cut down a tree in his yard] Hey, this is my lawn! Who rakes it? Who mows it? Louie: *I* do. Dad: Who asked you?