advertisement Bob: Every time a cast member swears, they have to put a nickel in the swearing jar. David: [drops a nickel into an already full jar] The money goes to Swears For Cares, an non-profit organization committed to raising money through swearing. Bob: So hopefully, we'll make a little difference. David: [holds up a nickel] A little *fucking* difference. Jay Johnston: Tonight, the part of Bob Odenkirk will be played by... Kedzie Matthews! Winner of the San Diego Red Owl Rye Laff-Quest and College Comic of the Year, Southwest Region, 1992. Tom Kenny: That's right, Bob. Listen to your friend, a person who makes more money than you, is better than you, and therefore beyond criticism. This is called the Worthington Law and it's used to gauge the value of human worth. Kennard Chamberlin: Do you really believe that court cases are decided by juries making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments? John Hamlinson: Oh Danny, how could you be so naive? Kennard Chamberlin: Dan, court cases are decided by a series of blow jobs. In fact, our entire civilization is built on blow jobs. John: Mr. Phelps, we're all actors. And... Mr. Phelps: Well I'm sorry to hear about it, John. John: Well it is hard being an actor but... Mr. Phelps: What's so *hard* about it? I've seen actors in plays before, it's stupid! Everybody says Shakespeare's so great. Well how come nobody's ever heard of him. Hell I'll write 'cha a play! All you need is a silly old king's hat, and some fancy sissy clothes out of your sister's drawers, and ya get up on the stage, and ya go nuts. Bob: Okay, as part of a new government program, certain artists have been assigned senators to monitor them. David: They made me wear a tracking collar. Bob: If David steps on a stage, it produces a low-level electric shock. David: It's not low-level, it really hurts. Bob: Okay look, obviously the show isn't that important to you. Bob: Harvard's Memory Loss Clinic, established in 1952, 1967, and for the first time in 1981. [Mafia movie censored for television] Bob: Hey, watch your mouth! Jay: Don't you tell me what to do you little piece of ! Bob: Hey, kiss my you ! Jill Talley: Sad songs are nature's onions. F.F. Woodycooks: Have you seen this man's ass? It's wanted for smuggling 20 million pounds of narcotics into the United States. Also: Have you seen this man? He's wanted - by crooks everywhere, for trying to David: Bob, men can kiss. Men can get married. There's even a pill now that lets men make love to each other! Announcer: With the supermodel calling service, thousands of supermodels will call you around the clock! Andre: Thousands? Clock? [holding the world ransom] Dr. x: It's a labor of love. [after viewing Coupon: the Movie] David: I saw the shit out of it! David: You've seen him perform feats of unparalleled skill on TV and radio. Now, world-wide billiards champion Van Hammersly presents a series of videotapes designed to teach as well as entertain. With his first tape, "I Oughta Be in Pictures," Van Hammersly showcases his incredible talent and passion for the golden age of film. Van Hammersly: Lotta people wanna go to Hollywood, see the stars they've seen for lo these many years. Why not take a trip on your own [claps] Van Hammersly: billiards table? Just pick out a few balls and say hello to the stars. Well, look what we have here! [Picks up ball] Van Hammersly: Marilyn Monroe, star of the Seven Year Itch! [Picks up another] Van Hammersly: Next to her, Humphrey Bogart. "Judy, Judy, Judy!" And next to him, the three crack ups - Moe, Larry, and Curly! [laughs] Van Hammersly: Stop it, gentlemen, you're going to screw everything up. All right, it's 1952, and we're on a back lot. It's time for the awards - the Hollywood awards! First of all, Marilyn Monroe, nice to have you! [Hitting balls into pocket] Van Hammersly: Humphrey Bogart, "Judy, Judy, Judy!" And next to him, Moe, Larry, and Curly. The Three Stooges! Get on down there, boys! David: Then it's off to the races as Van recounts the running of the 1974 Kentucky Derby the only way he knows how - with a pool table! Van Hammersly: It's 1974, March 15th, and horseracing history is about to be made. A hot muggy day, all the horses are at their gates - let's run the race, shall we? First of all, Mr. Fasthorse comes down his gate real slow-like. Not like his name at all! [hitting balls into pockets] Van Hammersly: Papa's Delicate Condition and Krystallnacht almost trip over each other! Get your bets in, gentlemen, because Batman: The Horse isn't waitin' around for anybody! Nice 'N' Sticky says, "What about me, boys?" Next up, Stinkfinger. Next to her, If Mandy Patankin Was a Horse comes in. Bringin' up the rear, Ol' Felcher! And that's how the race was run! David: Tape number three, "All Aboard," teaches you about the history of mass transportation. Van Hammersly: [Swirling billiard balls around table with his hands] 37 people died in a massive triple decker bus accident in London, Britain, New Hampton, Wales! David: And if you order right away, you'll receive "Your GED." Simply viewing this tape qualifies you for a high-school diploma. Van teaches you mathematics. Van Hammersly: You simple subdivide each part by its cosine. [hits ball into pocket] David: Science. Van Hammersly: Bam, bam - [hits ball into pocket] Van Hammersly: and that's why we have nitrogen! David: American history. Van Hammersly: And that's when Lincoln said [hits ball into pocket] Van Hammersly: "Don't diss my homies!" David: You'll receive one tape every year. Your library will grow, as will your knowledge of such diverse topics as: Renaissance painting, oceanography, corn futures, belly dancing; December 7th, 1941; billiards, rock lyrics, and many, many more! These are simply the best teaching-by-billiards tapes you can purchase. That's why they've earned the TBD gold seal. Senator Howell Tankerbell: Now I would like to address this Arts Funding issue. Now this all reminds me of a humorous story of a travelling salesman. Let's say that the taxpayer is a farmer, and the government is a salesman. Well, the farmer says "You can spend the night in my barn, but do me a favor and don't stick your willy into any of the three holes in the wall." Well in this case, the salesman's willy represents the taxpayer's money, you understand. Well, the government, like the salesman, can't help himself. Sticks his willy in the first hole, it feels good. Sticks his willy in the second hole, it feels even better. Sticks his willy in the third hole and it hurts like hell and it won't let go! Well in the morning the farmer comes out and he explains: "Behind the first hole was my wife, behind the second hole was my daughter, and behind the third hole was a milking machine that don't let go 'till it gets 50 GALLONS!" HAHAHAHA! Gentlemen, I propose that this Arts Funding is like a milking machine, and unless we shut it down it's gonna whip our dicks right off! Bob: [trips over box] Goddamnit! Mrs. Applesway: [gasps] Language! Bob: Jimmy! What the hell is this young man? David: I know? Bob: I'll tell you what it is! It's a box of big black dildos. You and your sister were supposed to put these out last night. David: I'll do it later. Bob: You'll do it now! [hits Jimmy with a dildo] David: Ow! Bob: And next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head! David: Stupid dildos. Bob: Don't blame the dildos! The Talking Junkie: Hey, Davey, aren't you supposed to be doing your show? David: Yeah, I am. But Bob's in there, fuckin' shit up old-school. Reverand Winton Dupree: Now I have a question and I know you all have it, too. WHAT is up Satan's ass? All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dicklicker! The lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now he could of easily have said, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain... Why would you FUCK with me?" I'm the only preacher with the fucking balls, and you know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee, you shit-eating, cock-sucking, mother-fucking son of a b!" Can I get a fuckin' a? David: And what about you Bob? Always out there singing the rap songs... Bob: [looks around at rest of cast and says quietly] Well that's just me David, I'm from the streets. "Keith" the U.S. Customs guy: Where you coming from? Nervous American returning from Amsterdam: I was in Italy and then I took a balloon up my ass to Spain. Bob: Listen, lady. I don't come to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth. Moe Phelps and his crew: We are a collection of jackasses. [singing] Bob and David: I don't care what you say/ We're going on a holiday. [eating a burger] David: This little motherfucker's tasty! Pit-Pat the Pansexual Spokes-Thing: Take it from me, I love you! [singing] Farmer: Don't put your dick in these holes! [singing] Milk Machine: Just for doing what I'm told/ He was trying to be bold/ Why can't people keep there willies out of holes? Little Girl: Please don't kill me. College Kid: You guys are not going to believe this tape I just got! It's a guy, who falls out of an airplane, and lands on two elephants WHO ARE FUCKING! Sam Kraft: So the show never got aired because we were just living in a different time, you know. People were thinking differently. Criminy Kraft: Yeah, man, it was like just biting into an orange was like going through a citrus mountain. David: I'll tell you where they are. They're out there laughing. Laughing at you. They're laughing at the big, fat asshole. Bob: You've taught me that not all things are stupid. Some things are gay... David: What are you saying, sir? Bob: I'm saying, pack your bags, cause we're headed up my mom's ass! Uncle Mustard: Let's get the hell outta here. Bob: [off camera whispering from the bathroom] I can't get him to do it! detective: Well you're going to [muffled] David: Jim? Hey man, who are you talking to in there? Bob: Just relax Kevin, I'm just having a chatty pee in here. Bob: When you came here, your heads were filled with soup. When you leave here, your mind will be like... a steel trap. A steel trap with the bloody foot of law caught in it, crying for its mommy. Bob: Don't you wanna read the nice card? Look at that, you got a nice little kitten and some spilled milk. And inside it says, "Meow, meow, looks like you got me. We accepted the gold stolen by Nazis. But time has passed and wounds have healed. We were bad little kitties and we wuv you. Signed, Switzerland." Isn't that nice? See that, the country is like the cat, and the spilled milk is like your relatives. David: You naughty kitty cat! Bob: We're gonna spank you with our lips! Ronnie Dobbs: Terry! I thought you was in Hawaii! Terry Twillstein: A lot of people think a lot of things about Hawaii. Tom Kenny: Now let's knock these other ones out, Voice-over King, before we go to lunch, okay? Bob: All right. [reads copy into mike] Bob: To win, you must be 18 and come in first place. Tom Kenny: Great. Moving on. Bob: Offer expires... nnnnow. Tom Kenny: Zippidy-doo-dah! Next. Bob: Not be confused with the disease cancer. Tom Kenny: Zippidy-a. Movin' on. Bob: Harvard's Memory Loss Clinic: established in 1952, 1967, and for the first time in 1981. Tom Kenny: That was a good one, Bob. We're gonna do that disclaimer about the John Tesh album. You got that? Should be on the page there, Bob. Bob: Not suitable for any living thing. Tom Kenny: That Red Rocks thing is awful. Moving on. Bob: Mr. Pickle's Fun Time Abortion Clinics: We'll bring out the kid in ya.