[Daniel, angry and drunk, throws a bowling ball out a window] Robin: You could have killed someone! Daniel McTeague: The way I bowl? [to Uncle Joe's British "nanny," Molly] Frank: I didn't like the Beatles and I don't like you! Glen: We were all decent people before Uncle Joe sunk his hooks into us. Except for Frank. He was always a son of a bitch. [opening the door to find Danny nude] Laura: Daniel McTeague? Daniel McTeague: No shit! That's my name too. Laura: No, I'm a private investigator. Daniel McTeague: Really? Can you help me find my pants? Hotel Clerk: Most of these rooms have old men with young girls, this is Washington. Frank: Okay, Joe. Bare knuckles, toe to toe. We've spent 20 years eating your shit and saying, "Mmm, delicious! What a cook!" - no more! Angry Husband: You made my life a living hell! Angry Wife: Kiss my ass! Angry Husband: That could take all night! Daniel McTeague: You say one more word and I'll kick your ass so high that you'll have to take off your shirt to shit! Frank: What's the matter with you? Are you retarded? Dennis: Not according to the tests. Uncle Joe: So you're interested in money, huh? Joe: Made ten bucks just coming here. I get another twenty if i kiss you. I'm thinking about it. Bartlett: I'm sure this may come as a shock. Frank: No, shitting a sailboat is a shock, this is a fucking catastrophe! Uncle Joe: I'm richer than shit. Uncle Joe: You can go dance the hully gully for all I care! Daniel McTeague: You keep your breasts off his eyebrows. Frank: Oh, my God, I feel so horrible, I could cut out my tongue. Glen: Here's a knife. Glen: She's going to get everything. That's the way these old guys are. Tough as nails, biggest son of a bitch in the world, she touches his shriveled-up little noodle, and his brains turn to frozen yogurt. She'll marry him, screw him six feet into the ground and then get everything! Nora McTeague: Stop it! Don't you see what's happening here? Tina: Yeah, you're out of scotch. Frank: Oh, Tina, go lie down. Robin: He see
m nervous to you? Wayne: Couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor. Daniel McTeague: Oh, great. Now I'm impotent. Robin: We just kissed for two seconds! Daniel McTeague: It never takes me this long, usually we're showering by now! Uncle Joe: Where are my presents? I like presents, especially from people who love me. Joe: And who would that be? Molly Richardson: Monday nights I go to this newsstand to get the new TV Guide for Joe. He likes to get it as early as possible so he can circle everything he wants to watch. Frank: Does he circle your ass? Molly Richardson: You think I'm bonking the old gent, don't you? Frank: Yeah, we do. Molly Richardson: Let me tell you something, handsome. If I were having sex with your Uncle Joe, he'd be dead by now. [to Frank] Molly Richardson: I'm no more a nurse than you are a human being. Frank: Look at this. Her tongue is practically in his wallet. Robin: Danny, I love you and I believe in you. But isn't everything you're telling me a big crock of bubbling shit? Daniel McTeague: I had no idea just how sick you guys were. Frank: Come spend a day with us. Daniel McTeague: I'd rather shove this club up my ass. Glen: I'll do it for you. Frank: I'm insane? For five years I begged you, "Let's put him in a home!" No, you didn't want to because you didn't have the balls! None of you have any balls! Hotel Clerk: [pointing to his name tag, as he pulls an annoyed look] Excuse me - does this say 'Moron'? Patti: Yes, we have girls. We're not so cold-blooded enough to put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge and spin 'em around to separate the X's from the Y's.