[Rick Vaughn is pitching to Jack Parkman during practice] Jack Parkman: What do you call that garbage? Rick Vaughn: It's my eliminator. I've got another pitch. You get a piece of it, I'll let you name it. [Vaughn pitches and Parman hits the ball out of the park] Jack Parkman: I'd, uh, call it the masturbator. Rube Baker: Women: you can't live with them, and they can't pee standing up. Rube Baker: Hey, Cerrano. I'm on the rooster. Jake Taylor: Rube, you look at Playboy all the time, don't you? Rube Baker: I don't just look at it. I read the articles. Jake Taylor: Sure you do. Rube Baker: I do. I especially like it when they mention the girls' interests, like Betsy loves surfing. Jake Taylor: You even memorize them? Rube Baker: Yep. I guess I do. Jake Taylor: Bingo. Jack Parkman: I'm the only winner on this team. The rest of 'em, they're losers. Either by choice, or by birth. Rube Baker: Man, Hayes has some power. Lou Brown: Of a guy who'll be bagging groceries in a couple of weeks. [after Hayes calls a shot to left field and flies out to left for the second time] Harry Doyle: You know, he could be pointing at the left fielder. Valet: Mr. Vaughn, I thought you were starting tonight. Rick Vaughn: I did. Valet: Oh, sorry. I didn't tune in until the 2nd inning. Roger Dorn: As General Manager of this team, I demand to know when I'm getting a start. Jake Taylor: There's an old timer's game coming soon. Lou Brown: Come on, you're not going to let her get you down, are you? You guys won last year just to spite her. Maybe, she's what we need. Jake Taylor: Oh, Skip, they were a different team last year. Lou Brown: Taylor, it's not your job to make excuses. That's all you guys do good. It's either a *leg* thing or a *spiritual* thing, or a *psychological* thing, or a *heart attack*. Jake Taylor: Who used heart attack? Lou Brown: Me. (collapses from a heart attack) Harry Doyle: Well he's gonna walk Beck to pitch to Parkman obviously Taylor's thinking... I don't know WHAT the hell he's thinking.
[Harry is drunk when he introduces the game]
Harry Doyle: Hello, Tribe fans, welcome to Major League Baseball... sort of. The attendance today is 14 hundred and 12. Most of them left after that 10 run inning the Red Sox put up. Take over Monty, I'm in the bag. [head hits desk] Monte: [as the outfielder catches the ball, the crowd is disappointed] Fly ball... Caught! Harry Doyle: He'll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one. Tanaka: You have no... you have no... [looks in translation book] Tanaka: marbles! You have no marbles! Cerrano: Marbles? Huevos? Harry Doyle: So a tough loss for the Indians as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon and is tagged out while administering CPR before the tying run could score. Funny game ain't it Monty? Monte: Well at least the bird survived. Harry Doyle: Who cares? It's a rat with wings. Rube Baker: Mr. Parkman, your a great ballplayer and I just like to say, your standing on the tracks and the train's coming through butthead. [Vaughn is lamenting the long home run he gave up in his first game] Rick Vaughn: Oh, yeah? Name one park in America that ball wouldn't have gone out of. Nikki Reese: Yellowstone. Rick Vaughn: What an asshole... Rick Vaughn: [looks in the mirror] A-MA-zing asshole... Cerrano: [goes up to bat] How are you, my friend? Jack Parkman: Look at the scoreboard. Budda, I'm doing just fine. Cerrano: That last pitch was beautiful, man. [hits home run] Cerrano: But not as beautiful as that, grasshopper. Rube Baker: My momma always said, "It's better to eat shit than to not eat at all." Harry Doyle: [after Rube reaches base on a severely sprained ankle] Well, The Indians have a runner. I think I'll wet my pants. Johnny: Vile thing, you make my butt sting! I detest you! You're all garbage, all of ya! Back up the truck, back it up! Harry Doyle: Rick Vaughn gets the starting call today. We hear he matured a lot over the winter, apparently he's bathing now. Congratulations, Rick. As you know, Monte, Vaughn is working on a couple of new pitches. The Eliminator and the Humilator to complement his fastball, the Terminator. Monte: I heard that. Harry Doyle: Dynamite drop-in Monte. That broadcast school has really paid off. Harry Doyle:
You know I used to hate Parkman when he was with the A's. It's amazing how a new uniform can change your attitude about a guy.