Little Elf Judy: Not too hot. Extra chocolate. Shaken, not stirred. Little Elf Judy: Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing. Scott Calvin: Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver? Mr. Whittle: You should see a doctor, a shrink, a dietician, anything. E.L.F.S. Leader: We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude. Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse. Scott Calvin: Yeah! Clydesdale! Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight. Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you? Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year. Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me? Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like? Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies. Dr. Pete Novos: Really? Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk. Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay? Mr. Whittle: I don't know what's happening to you. You're starting to look like the Pillsbury Doughboy. [flying away in the sleigh] Scott Calvin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan! Scott Calvin: Here we are. Denny's. Always open. Charlie: I don't wanna eat here. Scott Calvin: What are you talking about? Everybody likes Denny's, it's an American institution. Charlie: Neil doesn't believe in Santa Scott: Well, Neil's head comes to a point. Laura:
All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person.
Scott: Kind of like Neil. Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age. Little Elf Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping. Dr. Neil Miller: [in a light-hearted phychiatry tone] Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve? Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women... [honestly] Scott Calvin: I read him a book! Dr. Neil Miller: What book? Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] Uh, "Hollywood Wives." [Laura puts her hand into her face, giving off a resentful gesture] Scott Calvin: [honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on! Sarah the Little Girl: Santa? Scott Calvin: Scott Calvin. Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome your clothes are so baggy? Scott Calvin: Because Santa is... watching his saturated fats. [gestures obesity] Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome you don't have a beard? Scott Calvin: Because I shaved! [instantly reveals an unwrapped present for her, out of his bag] Scott Calvin: Now, you want this doll or not? Go back to sleep. Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie, I'm sorry I didn't believe you. Charlie: That's okay, Neil. You were just denying your inner child. Dr. Neil Miller: You're going to make a great psychiatrist someday, kid. Charlie: Nah. I think that I'm going to go into the family business. Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here? [to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him] Bernard: Hey, how are you doing? Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie. Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right? Charlie: Yeah. Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night. Charlie: [his face lights up] Really? Bernard: Hey, have I ever steered you wrong? Charlie: Neil's a really good cook. Scott Calvin: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water. Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you, Dad? Scott Calvin:
Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to - ...