Phil Taylor: I was a field surgeon during the war. We'd work long hours. We'd eat while we operated. One time, there's this young soldier I was trying to save, he took a cannonball in the stomach. After 18 hours of surgery, I did it. Never felt better in my life. Until, just like that, the patient dies. Turns out I left half a bologna sandwich in his lung. Harry Bob: When I was ten years old, I killed my best friend, Tom McClenny. All the folks in town thought he died of falling off a tree. But the fact of the matter is, I beat him with a club and dragged him into the woods so it would look that way. Ha ha ha... I had no idea why I'd done it. [beat] Harry Bob: Ha ha ha, thank you Doctor, I feel better already. Ben Wheeler: But leaving would be like giving up. Phil Taylor: That's exactly what it would be, Ben - giving up! So let's just give up. Let's get out of here. Let's get ourselves a wagon master and go home. Let's go east. What do you say? Bartender: I say you're a bunch of gutless lily-livered, yellow-belly eastern sissies. All you've done since you got here was whine and complain. Now why don't you go back and leave the west to the real men? Julian Rogers: Well, actually, I could have the books on the wagon really quickly. And the cappucino machine, you know, is going to travel like a dream. [repeated line] James H. Harlow: Wagons... east! The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Little Feather. Little Feather: [in Sioux] Father, I hate that name. The Chief: [in Sioux] Ah, my son. [waves his hand in front of his crotch] The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Big Snake That Makes Women Faint! Billy: [while Julian is washing his back] So, what brought you out west, Julian? Julian Rogers: Oh, the men. I heard it was just plumb full of them. Billy: Men? [pause] Billy: Oh, because men read more books than women. Julian Rogers: Uh, yeah. Billy: [after Julian finishes with his back] Thanks a lot. [turns around, notices Julian's hard-on] Billy: Wow, Julian. Look at you. Did you see a mermaid? [Julian blushes and giggles] Billy: Man, cold water usually has the opposite effect on me. James H. Harlow: [drunk] We leave at dawn... noon-ish. Julian Rogers: I'm going back west. Belle:
What could be there for you?
Julian Rogers: San Francisco. James H. Harlow: Well? Little Feather: Bad news. Big trouble. James H. Harlow: Let's just keep that to ourselves. [Crowd approaches] Ben Wheeler: What's news? Little Feather: Cavalry's coming. They come to stop you. [last lines] James H. Harlow: Wagons ho! [an outlaw gang is holding up the bank] Ben Wheeler: This is the third time this month. You really should give the depositers a chance to build up their accounts. [he hands the outlaw leader the bank's account books and his eyeshade] Ben Wheeler: Good luck. Desperado Leader: Hey! I got a job! Ben Wheeler: I can't face another wounded teller with a workman's comp claim. Ben Wheeler: We can't go East. Phil Taylor: Why not? Ben Wheeler: Because! Phil Taylor: Why? Zeke: Because it's against "The Code." Phil Taylor: It's against what code? Ben Wheeler: You know very well what code. The Code... of the West. Phil Taylor: Oh, the Code of the West. Isn't that the same code that says, ah... Ben Wheeler: "The only good Indian is a dead Indian." Phil Taylor: And "Die with your boots on." Wait, wait a minute, I got another one for you - "If someone steals your horse, you hang him." That's some code. Hey, this is quite a code! Let's just stay here! What a code. Julian Rogers: It's not a very enlightened ideology. [Slade slugs the tied up Harlow with his rifle butt] Belle: Bastard! John Slade: Could be. I don't know if my ma and pa were married. I killed my pa before I could ask. John Slade: The name's Slade. Julian Rogers: Super. Here's an idea. Why don't you spell it out for me so I can get it right on your tombstone. John Slade: Your move, sissy boy. Julian Rogers: Sissy boy? Oh please, that's so Dodge City. Phil Taylor: About that leg, Clay. You know, these flesh wounds can be a little tricky. You know, things happen... there are complications. Clayton Ferguson: You had to amputate? Phil Taylor: No no no no no no! The leg is, ah, fine... a little stiff. Clayton Ferguson: Well now, that's to be expected. Phil Taylor:
Well, you know, Clay, ah, the leg is not the only part that's, ah, stiff. Actually, his whole body is kind of, ah, well, he's ah, he's ah, he'd dead!