[singing in the shower] Dave: Hail to the chief / He's the one we all say "Hail" to. / We all say "Hail" / 'Cause he keeps himself so clean! / He's got the power, / That's why he's in the shower... Bob Alexander: I'm going to kill him. Alan Reed: You can't kill a President. Bob Alexander: He's not a President. He's an ordinary person. I can kill an ordinary person. Alan Reed: Bob! Bob Alexander: I can kill a hundred ordinary people! Ellen Mitchell: Why couldn't you die from a stroke like everyone else? Dave Kovic: She's great. She's really exotic! She's a princess! She's Polynesian - well, half Polynesian, and half American. She's... Amnesian. Dave: I don't want to tell some eight-year-old kid he's gotta sleep in the street because we want people to feel better about their *car*. Do *you* want to tell them that? Secretary of Commerce: [quietly] No sir. [sits back in his seat and reflects] Secretary of Commerce: No I sure don't. White House Tour Guide: And we're walking, and we're walking, and we're stopping. Dave: According to the OMB, we have seventeen defense contractors who are delinquent in their contracts. Is this true, Frank? Director of OMB: Uh, I believe so, yes. Dave: So, even though they're late, we keep paying them on time? Director of OMB: Well, in a sense... yeah. Dave: The president and the first lady... what is that? How long has that been going on? Duane: I can't say. Dave: You mean, you don't know, or "you can't say"? Duane: I can't say. Dave: You know, I've always wondered about you guys. You know, about how you're trained to take a bullet for the president? Duane: What about it? Dave: Is that really true? I mean, would you let yourself be killed to save his life? Duane: Certainly. Dave: So, now that means you'd get killed for me too. Alan Reed:
Bob, at some point we're gonna have to call the Vice President.
Bob Alexander: Don't call the Vice President. Alan Reed: What? Bob Alexander: Just don't call him, Al. Alan Reed: The guy's in a coma, Bob! Bob Alexander: I don't give a shit. Alan Reed: Bob! Bob Alexander: This is mine, Alan. All mine. I made him, I built him. And no Boy Scout is going to come in here and take it away from me, just because he happens to be Vice President of the United States. Bob Alexander: What do you think you're doing? Dave: What? Oh, you mean the press conference. I had a couple of ideas that I wanted to share with the country. Bob Alexander: Share? Share? You don't call a press conference. I call a press conference. You're nothing. Do you understand? You're nobody. Dave: I'm not nobody. Bob Alexander: You're LINT! You're a FLEA! You're a BLIP! Dave: Well... maybe I am. But you're fired. Dave: If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And its not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do until you, stand up and decide to try. Duane: [Dave shakes hands with Duane just before they part company] Dave? Dave Kovic: Yeah? Duane: I would have taken a bullet for you. Dave Kovic: [smiling] Thanks, Duane. President William H. Mitchell: [meeting Dave for the first time] You're a handsome man. Dave Kovic: Thank you, Mr. President. President William H. Mitchell: Just get rid of the grin... you look like a schmuck. Ellen Mitchell: [after Dave reveals his true identity to Ellen] What do you do for a living? Dave: You mean, when I'm not running the country? Ellen Mitchell: Yeah. Dave: I run a temp agency. You know, secretaries and stuff. Ellen Mitchell: So you find people jobs. Dave: Yes. [Ellen chuckles] Dave: What? What's so funny? Ellen Mitchell: It's just, it's more than most people do around here. Ellen Mitchell: Reminds me of when you were in the state legislature. Dave: Yeah... me too. Ellen Mitchell: You were never in the state legislature.
[stands up and offers her hand]
Ellen Mitchell: Hi. I'm Ellen Mitchell. Who are you? Girl: [at the domestic cars convention] Mommy, that's not the real president, is he? Mom: Oh God, I hope not! Alan Reed: [trying to convince Dave to take the job] Imagine that the entire United States of America is in the car. Dave: In the car? Alan Reed: In the car! Bob Alexander: And you've got to get it to the hospital. Arnold Schwarzenegger: What you don't want to eat is donuts. No donuts. [Dave has bitten into one and spits it out] Ellen Mitchell: So who was it this time, Bill? Another one of your 'patriotic' secretaries? Dave: As the evidence from these documents will show, Bob was also involved and in most cases planned the criminal events himself. [shot of Bob watching Dave's speech at a campaign meeting; his supporters have now left the room] Dave: . Dave: [entering the Oval Office] Let's get back to work! [bangs the desk with his hand, sits in the chair and falls over] Dave: Whoa! Duane: [closing the Oval Office door] He's all right. Dave: I mean she's the first lady. I mean couldn't I have started with a cousin? Dave: [on the balcony being fed lines by Bob and Al] Go, go, go! Ellen Mitchell: [first encounter and public appearance] Don't you have anything else you want to say to me? [repeated line] Dave: Thank you for doing this, Ellen. Ellen Mitchell: Go to hell, Bill! [exits] Dave: She hates me! Bob Alexander, Alan Reed: YES! Alice: Mr. President, Gary Nance is waiting in your office. Dave: Who? Dave: [biting on the words] The Vice President. Dave: What? Duane: VICE PRESIDENT! Dave: Oh! I'm sorry, ever since I had the stroke I've not been hearing things right... it's like... WHOOO! Alice: Oh my God... Jay Leno: What is with President Mitchell lately? I mean has this guy been having too many "Happy Meals"? I mean geez! Dave: [after the balcony scene] She hates me. Dave, Bob Alexander: YES! Dave: First cover of Time and I need a shave. Dave: You ever think about wearing a sweater? Make you blend in more. Duane: Sweaters make my neck look too thick. Dave: Even a sweater vest? You could wear a tie. Duane: You think a sweater vest would look good on me? Ellen Mitchell: There's no mistake, Bill. When you veto someone's funding that is not a mistake. When you hurt someone intentionally that is not a mistake. Ellen Mitchell: [after discovering Dave] Look, I'll make this easy for you. I barely see him anymore. I barely know him anymore. I'd just kind of like to know where he is.