Young Girl:
...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley:
Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday:
They had sex.
Debbie:
[meeting Gomez] Well, isn't he a lady killer!
Gomez:
Acquitted.
Amanda:
Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday:
Is that your overbite?
Gary:
One of you will be the drowning victim and the one will be our lifesaver.
Amanda:
I'll be the victim!
Wednesday:
All your life.
Morticia:
You have enslaved him. You have placed him under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?
Wednesday:
I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary:
Don't you want me to realize my vision?
Wednesday:
Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, or the Aristotelian unities.
Gary:
Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.
Wednesday:
I'm not perky.
Amanda:
Well, that's for damn sure.
Debbie:
These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia:
It has to be damp.
Pugsley:
We don't hug.
Gary:
Oh, you're just shy.
Wednesday:
We're not shy, we're contagious.
Amanda:
Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday:
Wait.
[about Pubert]
Gomez:
He has my father's eyes.
Morticia:
Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Gomez:
2a
Children, why do you hate the baby?
f4c
Pugsley:
We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday:
Especially his head.
Gomez:
[to Fester] You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
Debbie:
I don't want to hurt anybody, I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs, but sometimes people just wont listen, and so I have to use persuasion, and slides.
[Showing slide pictures]
Debbie:
My parents, Sharon and Dave, Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My Birthday, I was 10, and do you know what they got me, MALIBU Barbie, that's not what I wanted, that's not who I was, I was a *Ballerina*, graceful, delicate, THEY had to go!
[the next slide shot shows a burning house]
Debbie:
My first Husband, the Heart Surgeon, all day long, coronaries, transplants, "Sorry about dinner Deb, the Pope has a cold".
[the next shot shows car headlights heading towards the Surgeon in panic]
Debbie:
Husband number 2: The Senator, he loved his State, he loved his Country, "Sorry Debbie, no Mercedes this year, we have to set an example", "oh yeah, well set THIS"!
[the next shot shows a shadow of an axe on the wall heading towards the Senator]
Grandma:
An axe, that takes me *way* back.
Debbie:
My latest husband, my *late* late Husband, Fester, and his adorable Family. You took me in, you accepted me, but did any of you love me? I mean really love me? So I killed, so I maimed, so I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being, don't I yearn, and ache... and shop, don't I deserve love... and jewelry? Good-bye everybody, and wish me luck!
The Addams Family:
Good Luck!
Debbie:
Would you die for me?
Uncle Fester:
Yes.
Debbie:
Promise?
[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday:
Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot h'ors d'ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
Delivery Room Doctor:
Would you like some anesthesia?
Morticia:
No, but do ask the children.
[the dancer in the cake doesn't pop out]
Gomez:
The poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?
[Lurch hangs his head]
Morticia:
b0
I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all. A loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to see out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
ff2
Wednesday:
You sent us to camp. They made us sing.
Debbie Jellinsky:
I'll get you - and your little hand, too!
Uncle Fester:
Dementia, what a beautiful name.
Dementia:
It means "insanity."
Uncle Fester:
My name is Fester. It means "to rot."
Joel:
You know what happens if my mother uses fabric softener? I die.
Heather:
[this is the first nanny Wednesday and Pugsley are talking too] Now children, as your new nanny, I know you're all concerned about the environment. So today, we are going to learn how to prevent forest fires!
Wednesday:
[lights a match] Prevent them?
Mrs. Montgomery:
[this is the second nanny] Now children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question: Where is that baby?
Wednesday:
Which part?
Polly/Nanny:
Hello children, I'm polly the puppet. What should we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday:
[holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul!
Morticia:
Wednesday, look at all the other children, their bright little eyes, their friendly eager smiles... Help them.
Morticia:
So... you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez:
Forever!
Morticia:
I'll get them!
Debbie:
I just can't tell, does he like me at all?
Morticia:
Of course he does. He vomited.
Debbie:
That's true. Does he do that with all the women he likes?
Morticia:
Oh no. Just you.
Wednesday:
Pugsley, the baby ways 10 pounds, the cannonball ways 20 pounds, which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley:
I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday:
Which do you think?
Pugsley:
The Cannonball?
Wednesday:
Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley:
The Baby?
Wednesday:
Only one way to find out. Ready 1... 2... 3.
Debbie Jellinsky:
You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were European.
Uncle Fester:
You did?
Debbie Jellinsky:
I did.
Uncle Fester:
But... I took a bath.
Morticia:
Wednesday's at that age when a young girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen:
Boys?
Wednesday:
Homicide.
27
[at Camp Chippewa]
fea
Pugsley:
What does chippewa mean?
Gomez:
It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday:
It means orphan.
Gomez:
At his request, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.
Morticia:
Why wait?
[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]
Becky:
It's an American Bald Eagle!
Gary:
Aren't they extinct?
Wednesday:
They are now.
[At Debbie's house]
Morticia:
Where are we?
Grandma:
Looks familiar... of course, the gates of hell.
Debbie Jellinsky:
I'll be leaving the country very soon.
Ticket Agent:
Will you be traveling alone?
Debbie Jellinsky:
Yes, I'll be a widow.
Morticia:
My baby is sick and my husband is dying. Oh Mama, What shall I do?
Grandma:
Well, you have a black dress.
Grandma:
An axe. That takes me back...
Gary:
Yes indeed, Bambi.
Becky:
Lassie Come Home.
Gary:
The Little Mermaid.
Wednesday:
Stoppit.
Joel:
He's only a child.
Morticia:
[confronting Debbie in her house] You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie... pastels?
[Grandma waves a skull at Debbie]
Grandma:
Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie Jellinsky:
What is she doing?
Grandma:
Just a curse. Have a nice day.
[air kiss]
[At the police station after asking to arrest Debbie]
Gomez:
Has the planet gone mad? My brother... passion's hostage. I seek justice! Denied. I shall not submit! I shall conquer! I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
[Grandma waves Pubert in the air]
Gomez:
I have seen horror!
[Lerch waves]
Gomez:
I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!
Morticia:
They're at camp.
Gomez:
I have seen all this officer. But until today, I have never seen... YOU!
Desk sergeant:
Hook him, book him, cook him. NOW!
Gomez:
My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
[Pubert coos]
Gomez:
I have seen HORROR!
[Lurch smiles and raises his hand]
24
Gomez
ffb
:
I HAVE SEEN THE UNHOLY MAGGOTS WHICH FEAST IN THEE DARK RECESSES OF THE HUMAN SOUL!
Morticia:
They're at camp.
Gomez:
I have seen all this, Officer. But until today, I had never seen... YOU!
Gomez:
I DEMAND JUSTICE! SOMEONE HAS MARRIED MY BROTHER!
Desk sergeant:
[sarcasticly] No.
Gomez:
She took him to Hawaii
Desk sergeant:
[mover cynically] Get out of here!
Gomez:
They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love CONSTANTLY!
Desk sergeant:
I hate when that happens
Gomez:
Arrest her at once, without delay!
Desk sergeant:
Who?
Gomez:
Debbie. My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki!
Desk sergeant:
Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?
Gomez:
Officer, you have to issue a subpoena. I believe they own...
Morticia:
Gomez, NO!
Gomez:
A BUICK!
Margaret Addams:
What.
Debbie Jellinsky:
Oh, I didn't say anything.
Margaret Addams:
No, that's the baby's nickname. "What."
Debbie:
FREEZE!
Uncle Fester:
Pookie?
Debbie:
I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity. But oh no, not you.
Uncle Fester:
What are you saying?
Debbie:
I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Uncle Fester:
But... but... don't you love me?
Debbie:
AH HA HA HA!
Uncle Fester:
Is that a no?
Uncle Fester:
I'm her husband.
Debbie:
Fester!
Uncle Fester:
Gimme a kiss.
Debbie:
Gimme a twenty.
Wednesday:
Be afraid, be very afraid.
Ron Buckman:
Our Amanda's skipped two grades already. How about your boy?
Gomez:
[beaming] Probation!
Wednesday:
What are you in for?
Joel:
I wouldn't go horse back riding.
Wednesday:
That's all?
Joel:
And I wouldn't make a bird house.
Wednesday:
Why not?
Joel:
I just wanted to read.
Gary:
[Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Joel:
How do I look?
Wednesday:
Disturbing
Uncle Fester:
I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jesus Fester, go back to your room!"
Gomez:
[to Fester] I hope someday you know the indescribable joy of having children, and of paying someone else to raise them.
Morticia:
Children, do you think that we love the baby more than we love you?
Wednesday, Pugsley:
Yes.
Morticia:
Do you think that when there's a new baby in the house, one of the other children has to die?
Wednesday, Pugsley:
Yes.
Grandma:
Well that's just not true - not anymore.
Nanny:
Now, I've had it up to here! Where is that baby?
Wednesday:
Which part?
Morticia:
Gomez wonderful news, I'm going to have a child. Right now
Gomez:
[just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] ]
[shouts]
Gomez:
It's an Addams!
Debbie Jellinsky:
Fester... are you willing to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Uncle Fester:
...a goat?
Joel:
I'll never forget you.
Wednesday:
You won't?
Joel:
No, you're too weird.
[talking at camp]
Girl:
My parents just had a baby. They prayed, and... Baby has come.
Wednesday:
My parents just had a baby too.
Girl:
[interested] Oh, really?
Wednesday:
They had sex.
Joel:
Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday:
She wasn't sick. She was sloppy
Joel:
What do you mean?
Wednesday:
If I were to kill my husband, I'd do it and I wouldn't get caught.
Joel:
How would you do that?
Wednesday:
I'd scare him to death.
Debbie Jellinsky:
But with your looks, your charm... women must follow you everywhere!
Uncle Fester:
Store detectives.
Gomez:
Fresh air. The scent of pine... help them.
Pugsley:
[in the Thanksgiving play] I am a turkey. Kill me.
Camp Children:
[at Thanksgiving play, singing, dressed as Thanksgiving food]
1a9
Eat us! Hey, its Thanksgiving Day! Eat us, we make a nice buffet! We lost the race with Farmer Ed, so eat us 'cause we're good and dead. White man or red man from east, north or south, chop off our legs, and put 'em in your mouth! Eat me! Sautéed or barbecued! Eat me! We once were pets but now we're food! We won't stay fresh for very long! So eat us before we finish this song! Eat us before we finish this song!
e43