advertisement [Eddie (the dog) stares at Frasier] Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it? [Eddie buries his head under the pillow] Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up. Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman. Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry. Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!" [pause] Bulldog: Hey, I just got that! Bulldog: [laughs] [Roz sits at Frasier and Niles's table] Roz: So, Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you? [Niles reacts] Roz: I can always tell. [looks at Frasier] Roz: Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody. [Cooking with Daphne] Niles: Whisk. [she hands it to him, he whisks] Niles: Spoon. [she hands it to him, he stirs] Niles: Cheese cloth. [she wipes his brow; the oven pings] Niles: Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven. [he places it in the oven] Niles: Ready. Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane? Niles: Please. Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right? Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne. Frasier: [on the phone with his son] Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now. Frasier: So, how do the calls look today? Roz: Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere. Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday. Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening. Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane. Frasier: How old are you? Ethan: I'm thirteen. Frasier: Well, what can I do for you? Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up. Frasier: Why do you think that's so? Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports. Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh. Ethan: ...That's it? Frasier: [surprised] Yes. Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice. Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from? Ethan: Home. Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call. Frasier: Hello, Rachel. I'm listening. Rachel: Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle. Frasier: Oh goody, this is sweeps week! [Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem] Niles: Uh-uh. [Martin reaches for another piece] Niles: Mmm-mmm. Martin: All right, what would you do? Niles: Well for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board. Martin: That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one. Niles: In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven. Frasier: Niles, is there a light bulb over my head? Niles: You have an idea? Frasier: No, I'm asking if there's actually a light bulb over my head. [Daphne is contemplating what it would be like to have a free lifetimes supply of muffins] Daphne: Now me, I could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to... Twenty thousand muffins! [pause] Daphne: My life suddenly seems long, measured in muffins. [repeated line] Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health. Frasier: The Opera Guild is having its annual football tournament. Yes, I'm the quarterback. Daphne: I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side. [Looking at the napkin Niles is holding] Daphne: Is that a little swan you just made? Niles: No, it was a B-52. [In some versions of the closing credits theme] Frasier: Scrambled eggs all over my face; what is a boy to do? Martin: [smugly] How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England? Gertrude Moon: How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry? Martin: [biting his tongue] Have a good trip. [Later, when Frasier, Niles, and Martin are driving home] Martin: "I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the laundry basket AND my cane at the same time." That's what I should have said! [repeated line] Frasier: I'm listening. [Looking through a box of keepsakes from Niles' childhood] Martin: Oh, no one around here draws pictures anymore. [Looks closely] Martin: What the heck is this, anyway? Niles: Oh, that is an Egyptian battle scene from A詃a. Look, that's Radames, and that's the jealous Amneris, and - [laughs] Niles: Oh, I misspelled Amonasro. Ah, to be six again... Bulldog: Where's my pen? [Slapping down angrily on the table] Bulldog: THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL BS! THIS IS... Oh, here it is. Frasier: [responding to a caller] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Frasier: Cupid and his arrow have declared me an endangered species. [Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking] Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here... [tosses her a lighter] Frasier: ... go ahead, knock yourself out. [Bebe begins to light cigarette] Frasier: I only wish I could be there when it happens. Bebe: When what happens? Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"! Bebe: [tortured] Stop it! Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no! [chuckles] Frasier: Because you'll have your cigarette. [Bebe stares at her cigarette with fear] Frasier: Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged... Bebe: [anguished] Enough! [Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier] Bebe: God! You are one hell of a therapist! Roz: Don't you both owe each other an apology? Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh wait, that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this! [Frasier goes to Niles's table] Frasier: Niles. Niles: Frasier. Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order. Niles: I agree... Well? Frasier: "Well," what? Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time. Frasier: No, you didn't! Niles: I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service. Frasier: So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn! Frasier: And though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next? [Buldog is doing his radio show] Bulldog: [to a caller] Well Chuck, I'm really sorry I offended you. Now why don't you put your skirt back on and do some dishes? [correcting a continuity error from Cheers] Martin: [about Frasier] Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop? Sam Malone: Well, uh, he told me you were dead. Martin: [surprised] Dead? Frasier: Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad. Sam Malone: [to Martin] You were a cop? [to Frasier] Sam Malone: You told me he was a research scientist. [Martin reacts] Frasier: [to Martin] You were dead! What did it matter? Frasier: [quoting "Maude M黮ler" by J.G. Whittier] "For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: it might have been." Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you. Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year. Roz: [talking about Bebe] It's not like she worships the devil! Frasier: She doesn't have to worship the devil! He worships her!