"The Nanny" (1993) 5.9

advertisement C.C.: I couldn't put a foot out of bed this morning. Niles: Did someone put a rock on your coffin again? C.C.: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven. Niles: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction. C.C.: I find I can catch more flies with honey. Niles: I always thought your tongue darted out. C.C.: I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress. Niles: You'd have to be dead six months to fit in it. Fran: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment... at all? C.C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere. Niles: Oh, what are you doing here, the sun is up. Niles: You know, the next time you give your clothes away, why don't you just stay in them? C.C.: I'll never get to the airport on time. Niles: That's true, sir, she needs at least two people on her broom to use the Express Lane. Niles: I once walked in on the Queen-mother. Fran: In the shower? Niles: On the throne. C.C.: You are a pathetic excuse for a man. Niles: Ditto! Fran: What's that? Niles: It's a script for Mr. Sheffield. Fran: You didn't write another Seinfeld episode did you? Sweetie... it's over. [Niles is dancing bombastically and singing into his duster. CC enters unexpectedly] Niles: You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you. C.C.: I find it very unseemly of Maxwell to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years? Niles: Die. Let's find out. Sylvia Fine: Trust me, there is only one man who can satisfy a woman in two minutes - Colonel Sanders. Fran: Oh my God. You're taking back the thing? Max: If I found a woman who loved my children, could make me laugh and that I found attractive, well, I'd never let her go. [puts his arm around Fran's shoulders and gets his watch caught on her] Fran: Oh, we're stuck on each other. Max: Oh Niles, what is it this time? Your job, your weight, no future? Niles: Well, Sir, I was just wondering why I have no social life but you cleared that right up for me. Fran: And remember always follow your heart. Maggie: Well, my heart says I should go back to Sean. Fran: That's not your heart talking. Nigel Sheffield: I hope you don't mind me telling you one more time just how, how sexy you are. Fran: Nope, still diggin' it. C.C.: What is this un-natural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand. Niles: Seven? Niles: How do you do, Tiz Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler. C.C.: What's Maxwell doing in London? Niles: One would hope, Miss Fine. [Talking about Fran's new apartment full of homosexual men] Maggie: Are there a lot of cute guys at your new apartment? Fran: Oh, yeah, they're walking right out of the closets. [after accidentally baby-napping a child] Fran: I wonder if I'll ever really be a mother? Max: Well, there's always the subway. Fran: No way. Forget it. The next time I bring home a baby it's gonna be after nine months of swollen ankles and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat. [after uncrossing her legs while being interrogated a la Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct"] Fran: Ah-hah, forget it. You got a better chance of seeing Tonya Harding on a box of Wheaties. C.C.: This isn't a typical night. Niles: Yes, you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching "Sisters". Fran: We begged my mother for a Christmas tree, she called it a Chanukah Bush. P.S., the candles from the Menorah set the flocking on fire, and the fumes put my father into the emergency room. Niles: Finger sandwich? Frank Bakley, Jr.: Ewww. What idiot made these? Niles: I did, and they're made from real little boys. C.C.: Seriously, Niles, where do you keep all that cash? Niles: Someplace you'll never get near. C.C.: Oh, your mattress. Niles: No. [pointing at Mr. Sheffield] Niles: His. [last line of the last episode/series] Yetta: This place is gorgeous. Much better than that place you had in New York. Mr. Sheffield: Can you keep a secret? Niles: Well, I'm good until I meet the next person. Philippe: Hello, Caca. C.C.: What? Philippe: Is this not what C.C. stands for? That is what the butler told me. Mr. Sheffield: He can't make you happy. Fran: I don't wanna be happy. I wanna be married! [trying to insult Mr. Sheffield] Philippe: Your queen looks like a man. Mr. Sheffield: Miss Fine, what are you doing here? Fran: Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured... I should be part of it. Niles: Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm. Isn't that one of the biblical signs of the apocalypse? Fran: You're pretty cocky for a tall, handsome, rich charming guy. Niles: Good things come to those who wait, unless they wait too long and they slip through their namby-pamby fingers. Fran: Honey, as long as *I* am living under *your* roof you will do as I say. [Fran and Sylvia are held hostage by a bank robber] Sylvia: He's not wearing a ring! Fran: Ma, he's a thief! Sylvia: [emphatically] Who'll be worth *millions* in a few minutes. Sylvia: Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote? Niles: No. Sylvia: Could I? Val: The bank robber took your mother. Fran: Oh, my god! That poor man! C.C.: Let go of me you old... Niles: All right but I just... [C.C. walks out of the kitchen and into the dining room - we here a blood curdling scream] Niles: ... waxed the floor. Sylvia Fine: I'm having palpitations! QUICK! GET ME MY MEDICINE! Fran: [running to the fridge and returning with chocolate syrup] [after Fran's fianc kisses C.C] Niles: Did Caca do a no-no in the kitchen? [after spraying Maxwell's leather couch] Niles: I couldn't resist the infomercial, sir. "Unwanted dirt just slides right off!" [C.C. slips off the chair] Niles: And voila! Sylvia Fine: Yetta! These aren't Fran's children! Fran doen't have any children! She's not married, SHE'S ALL ALONE! Fran: Louder, Ma, I don't think they heard you IN URUGUAY! C.C.: Do you know what makes me feel better when I'm sad? Fran: A fifth of scotch and a pack of batteries? Grandma Eloise: [to C.C] Are you single by choice? Niles: Yes, but not hers. [Fran and C.C. are trapped in the Sheffield's wine cellar and C.C. is forced to have Fran do her hair and nails] Fran: [doing a harassed-looking C.C.'s nails] Mint Chocolate Chip, Jamocha Almond Fudge, Pralines and Cream... That's it. That's 30. [Gasp] Fran: Oh my God, they lied! 30's a lot. Was 31 so catchy? Wait a minute. I forgot the Sherbert. All right. I'll start again. Vanilla... C.C.: STOP IT! Grace 'Gracie' Sheffield: Look Fran, giant Barbie Dolls. Fran: No Honey, these toys are for boys. C.C.: Maxwell, I'm an important part of this team. Niles: That's true sir, that couch would be floating all around if she weren't here to weigh it down. Max: I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement. Niles: [deadpan] Why don't you just walk through downtown Iraq dressed like Uncle Sam. It'll be quicker. [C.C. sees Maxwell's new girlfriend who is just like Fran] C.C.: Good God. It's multiplying. Max: [Brighton has asked to go to Atlantic City, and has pitted Max and Fran against each other by saying that Max doesn't respect her opinion] I am his father! Fran: Well, what am I? Max: You're the nanny! Fran: [gasps] You called me the "N" word! Did you head that, Niles? Niles: Do you get the house in the settlement? Fran: Uh-huh! Niles: [pops his head out from behind a wall] Every word! Fran: As appealing as Hepatitis sounds, yellow's just not my color. Max: [to Fran] Have you seen Gracie's Halloween costume? She looks a bit more like a trick than a treat. Brighton Sheffield: Yeah, it just so happens that your voice carries. Fran: To your bedroom? Brighton Sheffield: To Michigan. Fran: You shouldn't leave the house with things unresolved. That's why men die young. Max: That's not why. Because they want to. Fran: By the way, Niles, what is your family name? Niles: It's just Niles... Like Cher. Fran: You know, I've got half a mind... Max: No argument there! Max: [drinking a hangover-remedy] Urgh, Niles, it's far too early in the morning for something this repulsive. Niles: [C.C. enters; Niles walks up to her] Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour. Max: [Niles is making Max look bad] Niles, why don't you close the window before your Christmas bonus flies out the window? C.C.: [Max is hiring a female to promote him] Maxwell, I want a man! Niles: The last one deflated when she nibbled at his ear. C.C.: [to Niles] Don't you have something to dust? Niles: How about the left side of your bed? Max: Well, I've made up my mind. I can't risk Margaret spending her entire vacation kissing that boy... I'm sending her abroad. Fran: A broad? Well, if you wanna swing her that way... C.C.: Why don't you let me carry the tray up to Maxwell? No, I'll do it. Niles: Fifty dollars. Why don't you just tell me how old you are then I'll let you do it. C.C.: Seventy-five. [meaning dollars] Niles: Now was that so hard to admit? Max: You are going to *rectify* this situation! Fran: Wow, that sounds painful... Max: [Fran is standing at the door, waiting for a celebrity she isn't allowed to meet] Miss Fine! Fran: I'm seeing the children off to school. Max: They left an hour ago! Fran: It's a clear day, I can see forever. Sylvia Fine: [Sylvia takes a picture of Niles cleaning the windows] Sorry, my girl doesn't do windows. I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin. Niles: [as if suggesting they make love] Follow me into the kitchen... I'll clean behind the refrigerator. Max: Where the devil is C.C.? Niles: Well, Sir, it is raining outside... maybe she melted? [pause] Niles: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat and Chanel suit? Brighton Sheffield: Oh, so you're pretending to be an actor? Fran: No, you're thinking of Steven Seagal. Fran: ["analyzing" Corbin Bernsen, the former star of L.A. Law] Well... I can tell you're not a lawyer... Glen Mitchell: Why can't I be a lawyer? Fran: Well, not in New York... maybe L.A. C.C.: Me and Max have rented a cottage right by the lake. Niles: How convenient, Sir, should you choose to drown yourself. Fran: [referring to C.C] So, Niles... did you let "it" out? Niles: Yes, and the villagers were not happy. C.C.: I'll bet my reputation on it! Niles: Sorry, there's a five dollar minimum. C.C.: I could kill you... I could throw you down and rip out your heart! Fran: [to Maxwell] She doesn't have a key to the house, does she? Max: Niles, we're having company! Niles: [to Fran] Thirty years and he still thinks company excites me. Niles: [to C.C] Why can't you just be happy for me? I'm not used to being called Sir. You're used to it. C.C.: Oh, it is so pathetic, Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest. I mean kissing is an art, it has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, spontaneous. [C.C. kisses Niles] Niles: Was it as bad for you as it was for me? Fran: [looking for something in her purse] What's this? Oh, it's my shrink's bill... *boy* am I unhappy! Sylvia Fine: Are you looking for something? Fran: Yes! Sylvia Fine: If she's three foot two and not a Jew, she's in there. [points to bathroom] Fran: [about Max] What are you listening to him for? He passed on Cats! Max: It was about a bunch of pussy cats singing in a garbage can. What would you do? Fran: Two words, Mr. Sheffield: still running. C.C.: Well, if Doug is coming over tonight, I better go change! Niles: [after C.C. leaves] And I thought she had to wait for a full moon... Max: [after seeing Fran's cousin Ira's impersonation of Cher] Where was the last place HE passed for Cher, SEA WORLD? Theme: She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens, 'til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes. What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny. So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door. She was there to sell make-up, but the father saw more. She had style! She had flair! She was there. That's how she became the Nanny! Who would have guessed that the girl we've described, was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling-watch out C.C.!-, and the kids are actually smiling-such joie de vivre!-. She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan. The flashy girl from Flushing, the nanny named Fran! Max: Accidents happen, you know. Niles: [points at C.C] Exhibit A. [Fran has accidentally run over a rabbit] Max: It's not like rabbits are endangered species. All they do is mate. Fran: Well, aint that nice. I killed an animal with a better social life than me. Fran: I'll fight for all those small, defenseless creatures out there. Niles: [points at C.C] Exhibit B. Niles: [about a tupperware item] You put old bags in it. I'll give it to Mrs. Babcock, she's always wanted an office of her own. Niles: Here you are, Sylvia. Pancakes, wafles and maple syrup. Sylvia Fine: [about the syrup] Don't you have a light one? Niles: Sylvia, the barn door is open and the horses have left the building. Brighton Sheffield: Niles, this steak is tough. Niles: So is life. Then you die. [the family is opening wedding presents] Fran: Box from Tiffany's... Fran, Sylvia Fine: [in unison] THEIR side. [Fran opens the box and pulls out a blender] Fran: Blender from Costco... Fran, Sylvia Fine: [in unison] *OUR* side. Sylvia Fine: Major Nelson and Jeannie tied the knot. Fran: If she had any commitment to that relationship, she would have given up her apartment. Sylvia Fine: It was a bottle, they kept it on the mantle!