Roland T. Flakfizer: And that spells cash with a capital... Jacques: K! Roland T. Flakfizer: You should go back to school. Jacques: I hated teaching. [Wondering where Flakfizer has hidden his lover] Lazlo: Ah! Your suite! Roland T. Flakfizer: You're pretty terrific yourself. Jacques: Are you Roland T. Flakfizer? Flakfizer: That all depends. Do I owe you money? Jacques: No. Flakfizer: In a drunken stupor, did I promise to marry you? Jacques: No. Flakfizer: Then I'm your man! Flakfizer: Let's step outside and settle this like men! Lazlo: We are outside. Flakfizer: OK, let's step inside and settle it like women. Roland T. Flakfizer: Money's no object! It isn't mine! Roland T. Flakfizer: I didn't know the meaning of the word "no," but he had it down pretty good. Roland T. Flakfizer: Some day you'll have my children. In fact, they're in the car if you want them. Roland T. Flakfizer: If there's anything I can ever do for you... forget it, because I don't do those kinds of things. Rocco Melonchek: You're lying. Roland T. Flakfizer: Of course I am, but hear me out! Roland T. Flakfizer: Please, call me what everyone else calls me: "Your Royal Sex Machine." Roland T. Flakfizer: Sorry, two's company, and three's an adult movie. Rocco: Charity work. I gather these for those less fortunate than myself who can't afford pornography. Tina: Was that the doorbell? Roland T. Flakfizer: That wasn't you? Lillian Oglethorpe: Then it's settled. I am so excited. Roland T. Flakfizer: You're excited? Feel these nipples. Roland T. Flakfizer: And she looks like she's about fifteen. Lazlo: No, no, no. Roland T. Flakfizer: Okay, fourteen then. In fact I know she's fourteen, because I was dating her a year ago. Roland T. Flakfizer:
Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Carribbean cruise, where we can hold hands on a soft summer's evening and watch that old Jamaican moon. Why that old Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea.
Roland T. Flakfizer: I'm all out of American currency. Here, take a fistful of Romanian fifties. Roland T. Flakfizer: "No?" Flakfizer doesn't know the MEANING of the word "No!" We're also a little fuzzy on "panaglutin" and "viscosity." Roland T. Flakfizer: It's said that behind every great man there is a great woman, and I'm glad the woman behind me is Lillian; because, quite frankly, I enjoy the shade. [the amount on a taxi meter is rising quickly] Roland T. Flakfizer: Aren't those numbers going by a little fast? Rocco Melonchek: You're probably just a speed reader. Roland T. Flakfizer: So, do you enjoy being a cab driver? Rocco Melonchek: Nah. As soon as I get my driver's license, I'm quitting. Rocco Melonchek: We'll have to perform a full rectum-ology. Roland T. Flakfizer: Fondue, an epidemic! drop those pants... Not you, the patient. Doctor: I thought you were cardiologists... Rocco Melonchek: Uh, well, they're all connected, we enter the rectum and head north. Roland T. Flakfizer: Why do you think we have such long instruments? Flakfizer: [Talking on cellular phone] How did the market close? Uh-huh. Well, roll over my amalgamated, split my utilities, and double my capital venture overlays. Now call me in an hour, and tell me what the hell I'm talking about! Laslow: [upon discovering that the doctors were the three men in disguise] Ah hah! So you were the doctors! Rocco: No we're not them. We're somebody else. The men you're looking for are our identical twin brothers, and you'll never see us together, 'cause we love the same women! Rocco: [as a dog rips his trouser leg] What a charming little animal. Lillian Oglethorpe: Do you know dogs, Mister Melonchek? Rocco: Know dogs? I used to be a chef in a Korean restaurant! Roland T. Flakfizer: You're not going to try and cheat me or anything. Rocco Melonchek: I give you my word a gentleman. Roland T. Flakfizer: Well you had me until then. Volare: Do you realize what I was doing at the age of seven? Roland T. Flakfizer: I can imagine and you must be thankful you didn't go blind. Volare: I was dancing professionally. Roland T. Flakfizer: Whatever you call it. Flogging the carrot, polishing the cuestick, choking the chicken, clearing the snorkel... Jacques: What about me? Roland T. Flakfizer:
To show you no fairness, Rocco and I will also split your salary 50/50.