"The State" (1993)

advertisement Dad: All's fair in love and war, Timmy. Timmy: Which one is this, Dad? Dad: Both! Barry, Levon: AAAAWWWW yeah! Ms. Grant: But what about my husband, General Lee, and the country? Abe Lincoln: I don't care about America, all I care about is sex and booze and pills. Damn this country and everyone in it. Guy in library: Maybe you should try pants. Announcer: And now Louie, the guy who comes in and says his catchphrase over and over again. Louie: Hey, everybody! All: Hey, Louie! Louie: Hey, who's got something to drink? Woman: I do... over there. Louie: What is it? Woman: A martini. Louie: A martini? I wanna dip my balls in it! [Crowd cheers] Louie: Hey, whatcha got there? Flemish Terrorist #3: It's an M-16. What do you want with it? Louie: What do I want with it? I wanna dip my balls in it! Flemish Terrorist #2: I find him infectious and amusing this Louie character. Louie: Who's got some deviled eggs? Woman: I do. Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it. Man: Monogrammed silk handkerchief. Louie: I would like to dip my balls in it. Flemish Terrorist #2: Silence! Louie... a hand grenade? Louie: Ah hell who gives a damn? I wanna dip my balls in it! Flemish Terrorist #3: Top secret documents? Louie: I wanna file them! Crowd: Awwwwww... Louie? Louie: You've heard it all before. Man: No we haven't! Louie: You've heard it all before. Flemish Terrorists: No... *we* haven't. Louie: You've heard it all before! All: No we haven't! Flemish Terrorist #1: Say the catchphrase or the Prime Minister dies! Prime Minister: Don't say it on my account, Louie. Louie: I'm sorry, I can't say it. All: Louie! Louie! Louie! Louie! Louie: Hey, everybody... All: I wanna dip my balls in it! Tammy Wilkins: I guess I'll keep making these, as long as I stay bored in high school... which shouldn't be a problem, 'cause high school's really boring. Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it. Kerri: When you're out there on the court shooting hoops, you want a shoe that's gonna give you an edge. You want a sneaker that makes piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. And that's just what our shoes do: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Piggy-Shoes: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Isn't it about time your shoes made sounds like a piggy from the heel when you stepped down on 'm? Kevin: [singing] It's a marvelous day at the porcupine racetrack; we'll watch them little porkies run! The sun, the track and porcupines! Kerri: [singing] A recipe for fun! Ben: Racing form, Mr. Johnson? Kevin: Why, thank you, Jimmy! Here, get yourself a licorice whip! Michael Showalter: [echoing] Let's consider the gate "off-limits"... as a favor to me... Kerri: Before I found Fluffy-Soft, my clothes weren't half as soft as they are now! Bear Puppet: Because Fluffy-Soft... [Kerri sees it, screams and beats the crap out of it with the iron] Bear Puppet: . Ken: I'm aware of my... pants. Various: I'm going to take a handful of bumpy chicks and loose them into my pants! Various: And then what Commandant Wheeler, I'm Doug, and I may not be the brightest tool in the shed, but I had sex with my girlfriend for 2 hours once. Michael: We all have secrets, for example... Tom, you are on... Thomas: Speed. Michael: Oh. I was gonna say 'probation'. Thomas: Whatever. hehe whatever, what-ever... Captain Monterey Jack: Brrring! Brrrring! Hello Cheese? No - Cheese can't dial a phone! Old-Fashioned Guy: Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods... and fear them. Barry: Now I know what you're thinkin' LeVon: Barry and Le Von, where did you get two-hundred and forty dollars? Barry: [shake head and put finger to mouth] Shhhhhh. LeVon: Aw yeah. Barry: Don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby LeVon: It ain't your concern. Barry Lutz: Dr. Crank, in your many years of primate research, you've developed... Dr. Crank: Uh, research is such a restrictive term. I feel I've opened up a whole new arena of experimentation which I call "Monkey Torture". Doug: I'm Doug and I'm out of here. Ken: You know, I wouldn't mind having another serving of this... well what is this, fish? Kerri: Oh no, it's muppet! Ken: M... muppet? Kerri: Oh yes, we backed over one in the driveway yesterday and it just seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Now we've become quite the hunters. Would you like to see how to catch one? [Walks over to open window and calls through it:] Kerri: Gee, I wish someone was here who could help me count to three! Muppet: [Appears in the window] Golly gosh! I'd be glad to... Kerri: [Grabs muppet and snaps it's neck brutally] See how easy? Old-Fashioned Guy: Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it seems to me that when the giant that holds up the earth dies, we are screeewwwed! Various: It's hard enough fitting both the mail and the tacos in here. I'll level with you. These bags weren't designed for tacos. Various: That's kind of what I'm getting at, Jake. Various: Well, don't tell me you don't like the tacos. Various: [gets close, in his face] Jake, I love the tacos. They're maybe the best tacos I've ever had. But I think if I had to choose between the mail, and the tacos, I have to choose the mail. Various: Okay, I'm gonna take a breath here. I think you might be saying something you don't quite mean. What I'm hearing is, you don't want the tacos. Various: [drives by on the street] [stops] Various: Great tacos today, Jake! Ken: Aren't you gonna ask me how my day was? Kerri: How was your day? Ken: Poopy. Another poopy day. I took #2 from every dumb-dumb in this mickey fickey neighborhood today. Thanks for asking dummyhead. Kerri: I'm not taking any more of your fudging bull puckey, you cockeyed fellow! I took it from my screwy flick of a father and I'm not gonna take it from a poop who's too wienerless to fight for his own stinky job! Ken: You pineapple! You fuzzy cootie!