Vinny Gambini: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions. Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini? Vinny Gambini: Yes, sir? Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection. Vinny Gambini: Thank you. Judge Chamberlain Haller: Overruled. Vinny Gambini: Hey Stan, you're in Ala-Fuckin-Bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial. Vinny Gambini: I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for $200, which she won. I'm here to collect. J.T.: How 'bout if I just kick your ass? Vinny Gambini: Oh, a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect $200. Let me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred. J.T.: Over my dead body. Vinny Gambini: You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving shit out of you? J.T.: In your dreams. Vinny Gambini: Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money? [repeated line] Vinny Gambini: What the fuck is that? Vinny Gambini: What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Mona Lisa Vito: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water - BAM. A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head. Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing? Vinny Gambini:
Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona Lisa Vito: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight. Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other? Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancÈe. Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility. Mona Lisa Vito: [Vinny looks at her funny] What? Vinny Gambini: Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here. Mona Lisa Vito: Me? What about you? Vinny Gambini: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots. Mona Lisa Vito: Oh yeah, you blend. [opening statements] Vinny Gambini: Everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you. D.A. Jim Trotter: Objection. Counsel's entire opening statement is argument. Judge Chamberlain Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "thank you", will be stricken from the record. Judge Chamberlain Haller: The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead? Vinny Gambini: I think I get the point. Judge Chamberlain Haller: No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts contempt? Vinny Gambini: Not guilty. Judge Chamberlain Haller: Thank you. Bail will be set at $200,000. Vinny Gambini: What's the matter with you? Lisa: I don't know. Vinny Gambini: You're acting like you're nervous or something. Lisa: Well, yeah. I am. Vinny Gambini: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow. Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help. Vinny Gambini: You left me a little camera, didn't you? Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it! Vinny Gambini: And? Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, TEN YEARS LATER, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is [taps her foot] Lisa: TICKING LIKE THIS and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married. Vinny Gambini:
Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, AND a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your