advertisement Artie: I speak fluent bullshit. Artie: Hello oh great one. Larry: Are you talking to me or my ass? Larry: You know in fact, Hank, what I was thinking was next year when we have the going away party, let me and Artie take care of the stripper because we can probably find one that doesnt know ya. Hank Kingsley: What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the FUCK is so comical about that! Larry: It was a back tooth Hank. [under his breath] Larry: I don't know how you did it. Arthur: You'll have to forgive Hank. His heart's in the right place but he keeps his brain in a box at home. Larry: Hey Warren. Warren Beatty: [disinterested] Hey Larry. Larry: Hey listen, would you like to come on my show tomorrow night and just say hello and goodbye to me? Because it's the end of the whole thing tomorrow night. Warren Beatty: I could say goodbye to you now. Larry: Thank you very much. No flipping. Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway Larry, we're going to enjoy watching you in syndication, after this. Larry: This show isn't going to be syndicated. Jerry Seinfeld: Oh that's right, that's me. Arthur: You finally got to do a sketch with the great Carol Burnett! Larry: It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up. Arthur: Tomayto, tomahto! Hank Kingsley: [dictating "Hank's Thoughts" for a newsletter] : If I had my druthers, there would be no more world hunger. Hank Kingsley: Hey now! Larry: Now you see, I just told you to stop saying that. Arthur: [talking to a janitor after hours] Dimitri, my man, you and I both clean up shit for a living. The only difference is my shit talks back. Larry: So... Dana Carvey: I'll host. Larry: Don't host... host. Arthur: Your fly is undone. Larry: Oh, thanks. Arthur: Just doing my job. Larry: It's your job to look at my crotch? Arthur: I consider it one of my perks. Stevie Grant: I had sex with a lesbian once. Best piece of ass I ever had. Artie: You're supposed to have sex with two lesbians, that's the point. Hank Kingsley: [giving a tour] And if you stop by here, you can say hello to my good friend, Larry Sanders. [knocks] Hank Kingsley: Hey now, Larry. Larry: Fuck off, Hank. Hank Kingsley: [getting back to tour] And over here... Bruno Kirby: I was in "The Godfather". Hank Kingsley: I don't think so. Bruno Kirby: I was in "The Godfather Part 2". Hank Kingsley: Oh see, I only saw part 3, the good one. Wendy Traston: [doing a stand-up routine] So I'm licking jelly off of my boyfriend, right? And I'm thinking, ew, I'm turning into my mother. Hank Kingsley: [on phone] I know you've got to fill your column but if you fill it with crap you end up with what we call in the business a crap column. Hank Kingsley: [trying to pitch ideas for column to stop Larry story getting out] Let me see, I'll run through these, see if anything works for you - I'm afraid of the dark, nah, didn't think so. This is hard - red wine gives me hives, I got a special thing for Asian ladies. Larry: We sat in the car and we talked. Arthur: What'd you talk about Larry, about the distinguishing marks around your dick? How else would she know? Darlene Chapinni: I'm going to Hank's restaurant to drop off his reading glasses. Larry: I'll just drop you off round the corner. Darlene Chapinni: The relationship with you and Hank is so cool. Larry: I'll just drop you off round the corner. Hank Kingsley: Can I ask you a question, can I? How would... Larry: You're not going to go and come back, are you? Hank Kingsley: How would you feel if I started dating Beverley? Larry: I'd say it was your business, your life. Hank Kingsley: Well I'm not into interracial dating, it never works - sex is good but in the mornign cultural differences start to raise their ugly heads. Larry: I believe the cultural differences would occur with you and any woman Hank. Hank Kingsley: I mean Larry is a wonderful guy, he's kind, funny, rich - my god he's the boss. I'd date him if I could.