Peter Banning:
You're a... you're a complex Freudian hallucination having something to do with my mother and I don't know why you have wings, but you have very lovely legs and you're a very nice tiny person and what am I saying, I don't know who my mother was; I'm an orphan and I've never done drugs because I missed the sixties, I was an accountant.
Tinkerbell:
Guess again.
Peter Banning:
What's the deal? Where's the real food?
Tinkerbell:
If you can't imagine yourself being Peter Pan, you won't *be* Peter Pan, so eat up.
Peter Banning:
Eat what? There's nothing here. Gandhi ate more than this.
Pirate:
Aren't you?
Peter Banning:
Peter pan.
Pirate:
[jumps out the window]
Captain James Hook:
Prepare to die Peter Pan!
Peter Banning:
To die would be a grand adventure!
Captain James Hook:
Death is the only adventure you have left!
[Toodles is searching for something on the floor]
Toodles:
Lost, lost, lost.
Peter Banning:
Lost what?
Toodles:
I've lost my marbles.
Captain Hook:
He'll crow. He'll fight. He'll fly. And then... he'll die.
Captain Hook:
Where's the carpet, Smee?
Wendy Darling:
The stories are true! I swear to you! And now he's come back to seek his revenge. The fight isn't over for Captain James Hook. He wants you back. He knows that you'll follow Jack and Maggie to the ends of the earth and beyond. And by heavens, you must find a way. Only you can save your children. Somehow, you must go back. You must make yourself remember.
Peter Banning:
Remember what?
Wendy Darling:
Peter, don't you know who you are?
[Peter recalls a memory from his childhood]
Wendy Darling:
Peter, I can't come with you. I've forgotten how to fly. I'm old, Peter. Now so much more than twenty. I grew up a long time ago.
Young Peter Pan:
No, no, no! You promised!
Wendy Darling:
I have children of my own now. And they have children. That is my grandchild, Moira, asleep in the bed.
Peter Banning:
As I saw her lying there sleeping, something changed in me forever.
2e
Young Peter Pan
fdc
:
I shall give her a kiss.
[takes out a thimble]
Wendy Darling:
No, Peter. No buttons. No thimbles. I can't bear to see Moira's heart be broken after she finds out she can't keep you.
Young Peter Pan:
No. I mean a real kiss.
Peter Banning:
[to Tinkerbell] Are you related to Mighty Mouse?
Peter Banning:
You hated the deal.
Moira Banning:
Yes I hated the deal, but I'm sorry you feel so badly about it. Your children love you, they want to play with you. How long do you think that lasts? Soon Jack might not even want you to come to his games. We have a few special years with our children, when they're the ones that want us around. After that you're going to be running after them for a bit of attention. It's so fast Peter. Just a few years, and it's over. And you are not being careful. And you are missing it.
Wendy Darling:
So, Peter, you've become a pirate.
Maggie:
[singing] The stars are all my friends / Till the nighttime ends / So I know I'm not alone / When I'm here, on my own. / Isn't that a wonder? / When you're alone / You're not alone / Not really alone.
[Encountering Tinkerbell for the first time]
Peter Pan:
Firefly from hell.
Toodles:
Have to fly, have to fight, have to crow, have to save Maggie, have to save Jack, Hook is back.
Peter Pan:
Who?
Peter Pan:
I remember you being a lot bigger.
Captain Hook:
To a ten-year-old I'm Huge.
Maggie:
[to Hook] You need a mother very, very badly.
Thud Butt:
I remember Toodles.
Peter Pan:
How could you remember Toodles?
Thud Butt:
He was a lost boy. These are his marbles. These are his happy thoughts.
Peter Pan:
Ha ha ha. He really did lose his marbles, didn't he?
Thud Butt:
Yeah, he lost them good.
Rufio:
All grown-ups are pirates.
Peter Pan:
I am not a pirate. It so happens that I am a lawyer.
Lost Boys:
Kill the lawyer!
Peter Pan:
I'm not that kind of lawyer!
Peter Banning:
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FARIES!
Peter Banning:
What is this? Some sort of Lord of the Flies pre-school? Where are your parents? Who's in charge here?
[the Lost Boys all point to Rufio]
Peter Banning:
Noo,
[pause]
Peter Banning:
Nooo Mr. Skunkhead with too much mousse, you are just a punk kid. I WANT TO SPEAK TO A GROWN-UP.
Rufio:
All grown-ups are pirates.
2c
Peter Banning
fe8
:
Excuse me?
Rufio:
We kill pirates.
Captain Hook:
Oh, I hate being disappointed, Smee. And I hate living in this flawed body. And I hate living in Neverland. And I hate... I hate... I *hate* Peter Pan!
Tinkerbell:
I believe in you, Peter Pan.
Peter Pan:
Jack, Maggie, all you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.
Maggie:
Mommy.
Jack:
My dad, Peter Pan.
Maggie:
Peter Pan's my... dad?
Tinkerbell:
You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting.
Peter Banning:
I bet you don't even have a fourth grade reading level.
Rufio:
Hemorrhoidal suck naval.
Peter Banning:
Or maybe a fifth grade reading level.
[kids whistle and waves their hands around]
Rufio:
Boil dripping beef fart sniffing bubble butt.
Kids:
Bangerang, Rufio.
Peter Banning:
Someone has a severe ka-ka mouth, you know that?
Rufio:
You are fart factory. Cheesy, scab picked, pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side.
Peter Banning:
Substitute chemistry teacher.
Rufio:
Mung tongue.
Peter Banning:
Math tutor.
Rufio:
Pinhead.
Peter Banning:
Prison Barber.
Rufio:
Mother lover.
Peter Banning:
Nearsighted gynecologist.
Rufio:
In your face, camel cake.
Peter Banning:
In your rear, cow derriere.
Rufio:
Lying, crying, spying, prying ultra-pig.
Peter Banning:
You lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food, Dude.
Kids:
Bangerang, Peter.
Peter Pan:
Don't mess with me man, I'm a lawyer.
Smee:
I've just had an apostrophe.
Captain Hook:
I think you mean an epiphany.
Smee:
No... lightning has just struck my brain.
Captain Hook:
Well, that must hurt.
Captain Hook:
Death is the only adventure you have left.
Captain Hook:
What would the world be like without Captain Hook?
Captain Hook:
Peter Pan, prepare to meet thy doom.
Peter Pan:
Dark and sinister man, have at thee.
Peter Pan:
2c
Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer.
fe1
Captain Hook:
I want... my... mommy!
Peter Banning:
Hook, you let those kids out of that net in less than one minute or you better get an attorney and hope to God he's better than me.
Captain Hook:
Who are you?
Peter Banning:
I'm Peter Banning, Attorney at Law, these are my children and I want them back.
Captain Hook:
These are your...
Peter Banning:
Children.
Captain Hook:
These are your children.
Peter Banning:
Yes they are.
Captain Hook:
And you are?
Peter Banning:
Peter.
Captain Hook:
You're Peter?
Peter Banning:
Yes?
Captain Hook:
You're Peter?
Peter Banning:
Yes.
Captain Hook:
No.
Peter Banning:
Yes.
Captain Hook:
You're Peter?
Peter Banning:
Yes. Is there an echo in here? Yes.
Captain Hook:
My great and worthy opponent?
Peter Banning:
Yes.
Captain Hook:
No! Smee, who is this impostor?
Pockets, Lost Boy:
[the Lost Boys don't believe Peter Banning is Peter Pan, but Pockets touches his face and finally recognizes him] Oh, there you are, Peter!
Peter Banning:
[Arriving at Wendy's home] Remember, children, you're in England. Land of good manners.
[He rings the doorbell]
Peter Banning:
[Toodles opens the door] Toodles!
Toodles:
It's snowing!
[He slams the door in Peter's face]
Pirate:
I fancy those shiny shoes for our booty!
Peter Banning:
I think you can get them at Armani.
Pockets, Lost Boy:
Oh, there you are, Peter!
Pirate:
He's stealing second!
[the catcher shoots the base stealer with his pistol and the crowd cheers]
Captain Hook:
No, no, no! Now stop it! We're playing this game by Master Jack's rules. Bad form! Sit down, now. Let's resume the game.
[to his lady]
Captain Hook:
A very violent sport, isn't it, baseball?
Maggie:
But Jack says you're not the really real Wendy.
Wendy Darling:
Ahh. Well, do you see where Jack is? That is the same window and this is the same room where we made up bedtime stories telling about Peter, Neverland, and scary old Captain Hook. But did you know that Mr. Barrie... well, Sir James, our neighbor. He loved our stories so much that he wrote them all down in a book... oh dear me... eighty years ago.
Maggie:
You're really old.
2c
Wendy Darling
ff6
:
That's very true.
Peter Banning:
It's okay. Hang on, son. I'm coming, sweetheart.
[begins to climb up a rope ladder]
Peter Banning:
Someone give me a hand.
Captain Hook:
I already have.
Smee:
Smee, Smee. What About Smee? Smee! Smee! Smee. Smee. What about Smee? Smee's me. What about me?
[Peter and Moira are in an argument when Peter's cell phone rings]
Peter Banning:
That's Brad. I need to take that. I need to fix this.
Moira Banning:
No, you've got to fix your family first.
[Peter falls over and hits his head]
Peter Banning:
Oh, look, stars.
Tinkerbell:
That's right, Peter. Second star to the right and straight on till morning.
Peter Pan:
[to the lost boys] Let's get ready to show them the white light we're made of, boys.
Captain Hook:
[to the pirates] Remember the fires of hell that forged you. Charge.
Peter Banning:
[unearthing his cell phone] Wow. Brad, hi, you been holding this long? Uh huh. Neverland. Lost Boys. Jim Hook, duel to the death, I'll tell you about it later, I love to chat. But I gotta climb a drain pipe right now. Why? Because I ran out of fairy dust, if not I would've flown up.
Peter Banning:
I do not believe in fairies.
Tinkerbell:
Every time someone says 'I do not believe in fairies', somewhere there's a fairy that falls down dead.
Peter Banning:
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!
[Tinkerbell falls down the stairs of the dollhouse unconscious]
Peter Banning:
Oh my God, I think I've killed it.
Captain Hook:
Peter. I swear to you wherever you go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be daggers buried in notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children's children's children, do you hear me?
Peter Pan:
What do you want, old man?
Captain Hook:
Just you.
Captain James Hook:
No stopping me this time, Smee. This is it. Don't make a move Smee, not a step. My finger's on the trigger. Don't try to stop me, Smee.
Smee:
Oh, not again.
Captain James Hook:
This is it. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't you dare try to stop me this time, Smee, try to stop me. Smee, you'd better get up off your ass. Get over here, Smee.
Smee:
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Captain James Hook:
Stop me. This is not a joke. I'm committing suicide.
Captain James Hook:
Don't ever frighten me like that again.
Smee:
I'm sorry.
Captain James Hook:
What are you? Some kind of a sadist?
23
Smee
fee
:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How do you feel now?
Captain James Hook:
I want to die.
Smee:
Good Mooooooooooooorning Neverland. Here he is, a man so deep, he's almost unfathomable. A man so quick, he's almost fast asleep. I give you, the steel handed stingray, Captain James Hook.
[Maggie is being dragged away by a pirate and Peter's hitting another one]
Maggie:
DADDY. DADDY. Daddy?
Maggie:
[after Peter rescues her and Jack from Captain Hook] Let's go home, Daddy! He's just a mean old man without a mommy!
Maggie:
[gets up and grabs Captain Hook's hook] I wanna tear your hook off!
Captain Hook:
[looks from Jack to Maggie] Easy.
Maggie:
I hate... I hate you, Mr. Hook!
Captain Hook:
[laughs] What did I tell you, Smee? No little children love me.
Smee:
Yes, they do. Come on, you.
[grabs Maggie]
Smee:
You're depressin' the Captain.
Maggie:
Jack, you listen to me! Never let him make you forget! Never forget mommy and daddy!
Jack:
Maggie.
Maggie:
Think of a way to run home! Jack, run home! Run home!
Jack:
Run home?
Captain Hook:
Jack.
[puts his hook in front of his face; Jack's eyes widen a bit]
Captain Hook:
You are home.
[laughs]
Captain Hook:
Right?
Rufio:
[after getting stabbed by Captain Hook] Do you know what I wish?
Peter Pan:
What?
Rufio:
I wish I had a dad... like you.
Jack:
Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.
Little League Player:
Mama wants a new pair of shoes. Drive me home, Jack!
Peter Banning:
[flying to England on a plane in turbulence] I'm not gonna make it to my next birthday.
Moira Banning:
You're not gonna die without a phone and fax machine.
Peter Banning:
I'm halfway there. I got the phone in my briefcase.
Peter Banning:
Jack, my word is my bond.
Jack:
Yeah, junk bond.
[he hits the ceiling door in the plane with his ball, and causes the oxygen masks to drop down and scare Peter half to death]
Peter Banning:
What in the hell's the matter with you? When will you stop acting like a child?
Jack:
I am a child.
Peter Banning:
Grow up.
Smee:
If there's anybody not fighting, get here quick.
24
Rufio
ffb
:
Lookie Lookie, I've got Hookie.
Peter Pan:
To die would be a great adventure.
Garbage Sweeper in Kensington Gardens:
Hello. Having trouble with the Mrs.? Well you will have by the time the two of you get home.
Captain James Hook:
[to Peter] You know you're not really Peter Pan, don't you? This is only a dream. When you wake up, you'll just be Peter Banning - a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, who's obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children.
Peter Banning:
Remember kids we're in England, the land of good manners.
[Knocks on door]
Toodles:
IT'S SNOWING.
[Slams door in Peter's face]
Wendy Darling:
What is this?
[she points to Jack's baseball mitt]
Jack:
Oh, it's a baseball glove. You can catch things with it. Take things out of the oven. Or you can hit your sister with it.
Rufio:
You... You man! you stubborn stubborn man!
Captain Hook:
[over the airplane intercom] Hello Ladies and Gentlemen this is your Captain speaking...
Lost Boys:
Rufio! Rufio! Ru-Fi-OOOOOOOOOOOOOh!
Captain James Hook:
Hear me, men. For reasons of good form, I have decided that the so-called Pan will return in three days to commit the abitriment of the sword. Smee, translate.
Smee:
In three days, we're gonna have a war! A battle between good and evil to the death!
[first lines]
Maggie:
[playing Wendy] Boy, why are you crying?
Boy playing Peter Pan:
I was crying 'cause I couldn't get my shadow to stick. Besides, I wasn't crying.
[last lines]
Granny Wendy:
So... your adventures are over.
Peter Banning:
Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.
[Rufio has just pulled a sword]
Peter Pan:
All right! Okay, shoes over, you *put* that thing away! Now put it down before you poke somebody's eye out!
Peter Banning:
[while the children are running around making a noise, shouting into the phone] What, five thousand grand? Why doesn't somebody just shoot me in teh head?
Jack:
[making a gun gesture with his hands] BANG, BANG!
Peter Banning:
[abandoning call] LOOK EVERYBODY, JUST SHUT UP!
Jack:
[Backing away in fright] I'm s-sorry
Peter Banning:
And leave me alone for one moment! Moira, get 'em outta here, I'm on the phone call of my life!
Jack:
[Exits with Maggie]
<
fe7
a name="qt0178115">
Toodles:
I've forgotten how to fly.
Inspector Good:
Yes, well... one does.
[Hook hangs Maggie and Jack from a net atop the mast, telling Peter that all he has to do is touch their hands, and they'll all go free]
Peter Banning:
Uh...
[whispers in Hook's ear]
Captain Hook:
You *must* be joking.
[Peter whispers again]
Captain Hook:
What? Peter has a problem with heights?
[laughter from all the pirates]
Captain Hook:
[Wielding his sword ready to fight Peter] Are you ready for me Peter... come one... humour the Hook!
Peter Banning:
[Jack is angry at his Dad and tossing his baseball to the ceiling and catching it] Will you stop doing that? You could break a window
Jack:
It's double glazing, it won't break!
[he demonstrates his point by banging his ball against the glass]
Peter Banning:
[confiscating the ball] Give me that.