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"Home Improvement"

"Home Improvement" (1991) 5.9

1991-09-17(加拿大)| 喜剧 家庭| 美国
上映时间:1991-09-17(加拿大) 类型: 喜剧 家庭
获奖信息:美国电视艾美奖(1992年) 获奖:6  提名:8
评分: 力荐


advertisement [Jill has scheduled an appointment for Tim with a female urologist] Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman? Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town. Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in Manland? Jill: "Manland"? Now you got a theme park between your legs? [repeated line whenever Tim makes a smart comment on Tool Time] Al: I don't think so, Tim. Al: I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes. Tim: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book". [Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it] Tim: "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!" [Al snatches the book from Tim] Tim: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version! [Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket] Tim: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?" [Al snatches the second book] Tim: See you tomorrow! Brad: Dad, grandma's on the phone. She wants to talk to you. [Hands Tim the phone] Tim: Thanks. Hi, Lillian. No Jill's not here she's uh, out, you know, buying stuff to nurse her cold. What? Oh, my God that's, that's horrible, Lillian. How did it happen? Oh, how are you doing? Oh boy, this is horrible news. What can I do? Wh-ju-ju. Oh yeah, go ahead and call all them, and Jill will call you as soon as she gets back. O.K. Bye. [Wilson, Heidi and Al come to the fence] Wilson: Tim, what happened? Tim: Jill's dad died. [as Jill enters the room, talking about her day] Tim: Your mom called a little while ago. Jill: Oh no, let me guess. She's mad cuz I wouldn't let her come this weekend. Tim: Honey... Jill: What? Is something wrong? Tim: It's about your dad. Jill: My dad what? Tim: He had a heart attack this morning. [Jill inhales] Tim: He... he... he didn't make it. Tim: Ice cold pop for my favorite son. Mark: I'm your favorite son? Tim: Well, you're my last hope. One son looks like a sumo wrestler, the other one's in there putting moves on his mother. Tim: Convictions and beliefs. What do they have to do with religion? Wilson: Tim, are you familiar with the I-Ching? Tim: Sure. The itching, the scratching, the chafing. That's why I switched to boxers, my friend. Wilson: No... No, actually, the I-Ching is the ancient book of Chinese wisdom. You ask a question about your life, and then you toss these coins, and you try to divine the answer from the book. [later] Wilson: You know as Longfellow says, a torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words can bruise the heart of a child. Tim: Do you think I should have a talk with Harry? Wilson: Well, let's see what the I-Ching says. M-m, hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-mmm-mm. Yes, it says the situation is a microcosm juxtaposed against and created by the macrocosm of the universe. And there my neighbor, you have your answer. [later] Tim: Well, how about some words of wisdom from Longfellow during his itching period. He said, "Don't juckopose anything in a macroscope in this universe." Tim: Evander, give me the doughnut. Evander Holyfield: I don't think so, Tim. Jill: That's not what you think, is it, Tim? Tim: It's not? Jill: No. Al: What DO you think? Tim: I don't know, ask her. Wilson: Tim, it is not easy to change one's perception of things, but it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience. Tim: Wilson, how far does this go? How do I really know you are who I think you are? Wilson: Well how do I know you are who I think you are? Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that? Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said? Tim: How do I know you're really here? Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation? Tim: Do you suppose that if this grass were on fire, it'd call Fescue 911? Al: I don't think so, Tim. Al: Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage? Tim: I don't think so, Al. Wilson: What I'm trying to say is that most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin. Tim: So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't going to cure this problem, eh? Wilson: No, Tim. The only way to get rid of a wart is to go below the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root. Tim: I see. Thanks. And Wilson, this is - bar none - the most disgusting conversation we've ever had. Tim: Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this. Brad: Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day. Tim: There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain. Mark: What's man pain? Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid. Brad: [On the phone] I just gave her a taste of my Jello, it's not like we both chewed on the same piece of gum. Randy: Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork, and I get more rules because Brad's a dork. Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is? Randy: [watching the movie "Patton", with babies Claire and Grac1e on the Colonel's lap] Speaking of powerful, I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb. Nancy: There they are. The Colonel: They were crying, so I decided to calm them down by letting them watch Patton's invasion of North Africa. Nancy: At home we just put them to sleep with old 'Tool Time' tapes. Jill: [looks to the babies] Oh, somebody's stinking up the joint over here. Brad: [accusingly] Randy! Tim: [playing tea party; in high voice] Now, what would Her Royal Fridigness like to have? Randy: How about a lobotomy? Tim: Well look who's here. It's the village idiot. Tim: [Watching a little TV in an ice shanty] I can't tell whether Gilligan got them off the island or the Pistons are about to score. Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines? Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I *am* awfully fond of my waffle maker. Jill: Well could you *please* tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to? Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles. Tim: Two pretzels are walking down the street. One is assaulted. Tim: We'll be right back after a word from Binford Tools. Tim: I didn't bug you during childbirth. Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception. Tim: Some tool-men say "Why? ", this tool-man says "Why not? ". Jill: This tool-man's wife says "Why me? ". Funeral director: We feel we know all our guests, in spirit. Jill: Your guests? What is this, the Bates motel? Tim: Are you saying we as in "we" or we as in "weeeeeeee"? Tim: Honey, you can't let some nicks and cuts and contusions stop you from going. If I did that wouldn't go anywhere. Tim: You'd hate yourself forever if you didn't go. Jill: Actually, I'd hate you. Tim: That too. [repeated line] Tim: Shut up, Al. Jill: The last time I trusted you, we had Mark. Randy: Hey Beth, what do you call bad lemonade? Beth: What? Randy: Lemon lemonade. [Beth, Brad and Jennifer force laughter] Randy: Man, that's the last time I use one of Dad's jokes. Randy: Um, Beth, another cooger snookie? Er, booger cookie? Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card. Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii. Al: This is my assistant, Tim "Doesn't know Gumbo from Dumbo" Taylor. Tim: Sure I do. Dumbo is a pachyderm and Gumbo is a little green guy who rides Pokey. [Tim tries to conduct Tool Time without jokes, after Randy calls him a clown] Al: Oh, I see. That wasn't in the plans either. While this buzzer sends thousands of volts coursing through my body while he stands back and says, "Remember the AL-amo". Then comes the uncalled for slams against my mother. How she shops in the *husky* section. How she cleared out the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just go ahead say it... [shouting] Al: ...my mother is a big fat cow. Tim: [after pause] Goodness gracious, Al. [about the show's prospects in Europe] Tim: My show will succeed because of two words: Jerry Lewis. [Tim walks into the house with a piece of table stuck to his head] Jill: Don't you think you ought to go to the emergency room? Tim: I was just there; they said I wasn't a "priority." Jill: Why, was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? Tim: If it doesn't say "Binford", someone else made it. [Discussing Wes Davidson, the new president of Binford Tools] Tim: I don't have a problem with Davidson. Jill: You think he's a weasel. Tim: I don't have a problem with that. Jill: For once I'm cooking food and you're burning food. Wilson: Most people eating my food are already dead. Tim: Scott wouldn't cheat on Heidi; he's a Chevy guy. Jill: Well, his Chevy is parked in someone else's garage. Tim: [to Mark] Let me give you some guidelines: if something good happens to you, and Brad and Randy are happy, it's probably not a good thing. Jill: Hey, Tim, dinner's ready. Tim: I'm not really that hungry. Jill: I didn't cook it. Tim: I am famished. Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me. Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, "What do they want to *do* to me?" Tim: Thank you, I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland. Al: What's the matter, no stupid middle name? Is it my birthday? Tim: We don't always have to joke around, you know, this isn't Fool Time. Tim: I want to talk to you. Randy: Why didn't you just call me on the intercom? Or is it still picking up ambulance calls? Tim: You really bust my chops sometimes. Randy: Well you make it so easy, Dad. Randy: You're a tyrannical fascist. Tim: Did he just call me a dinosaur? Tim: [Has signed an autograph for a fan] All right, there you go. Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw: Could you put my last name too? Tim: Well you know, my wife is due back... Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw: Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw. Jill: You're not going to push him onto a red anthill, are you? Tim: Honey, I think I've outgrown that. Jill: How about the atomic wedgies? Tim: Way too old for that. Jill: What about the fake vomit in the shoes? Tim: Never too old for that. Tim: Wilson, let's say you didn't have my phone number and you wanted to call me. Wilson: I have your phone number, Tim. Tim: But what if you didn't? Wilson: I suppose I'd ask you for it. Tim: But what if you didn't know me? Wilson: Then why would I want to call you? Tim: I can burp with the best of them. I can fling ear wax from thirty feet across the room. Jill: That's why I married you. Tim: [Presents classic car] Kids, say hello to your new kid sister. Randy: It looks old enough to be our grandmother. Al: Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile. Tim: That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman. Al: One year, she used the carrot to make coleslaw. Jill: Oh, so great to have babies in the house again. Tim: There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays. Jill: Tim, Can you come down here? I have to talk to you. Tim: Again? Jill: Yeah. Tim: [Climbs all the way down a ladder] OK, what did you do now? Wilson: Heidey-ho neighbors. Jill: Never mind, I'll talk to Wilson instead. Tim: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna install an escalator. Al: Didn't you study the manual at all? Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual. Wilson: You know Tim, there's an old folk saying. Obsessions are like fire and water. Good servants, but bad masters. See the point is: do you rule your obsession, or does your obsession rule you? [later] Tim: I know I get crazy about cars, you know. My car, your car, anybody's car. But it's, it's like Bad Masterson said. You can't get obsessed the way old people drive through water, if their servants are on fire. Tim: Wilson, swallow a pigeon? Wilson: No Tim. I'm ululating. Tim: I didn't know men could do that. Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Ululating is a Middle Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow. Tim: What are you expressing now? Wilson: Sorrow, because I can't ululate. Randy: It's not junk, it's Heavy Metal. Tim: It sounds like they banging their heads on their guitars while they're getting their teeth drilled. Randy: Hey, cool - you saw the video. Tim: I do things with both of the guys, you know. Brad and I like to go to sporting events, work on the Hot Rod and build stuff with my tools. Randy and I joke. I make jokes, he makes jokes, we make jokes. The jokes go back and forth. He jokes, I joke, there's a lot of jokes going on. Wilson: Sounds like you share your jocularity. Tim: No he couldn't fit into mine. Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Chinese philosopher Chuang Tse said. You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog, you cannot speak of ice to a summer insect. [later] Tim: Well this ancient Chinese ice-cream salesman, Yung Su, found that frozen frogs and wet insects couldn't talk cuz they were colder'n one another. [in song] Wilson: I told my baby how I was feeling. Tim: A big wooden ball fell down from the ceiling. Wilson: Now we're gonna have a discussion. Tim: Cuz my baby gave me a concussion. Wilson & Tim: We got the low down croquet ball blues. Tim: Al is living every guy's fantasy... Every SINGLE guy's fantasy. Married guys don't have fantasies, they're taken away from them. Er, it's a good thing, because then you get to, you know, give all your attention to your wife. You know, year after year. Month in, month out. Day after day after day until you're dead. Jill: [Sarcastically] You've just swept me off my feet again. Mothers: [singing] The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain... Tim: [holding a baby] Whoa. Something's coming out, but it definitely isn't the sun. Jill: I'm sure Heidi appreciates you watching the baby. Tim: I hope she appreciates me cleaning up that kid's mud slide. Jill: You changed her diaper? Tim: Yeah, good think I had those welding gloves in the car. Mark: Sam has $8. 00. Billy has nothing. Tim: Okay, let's use real money. $8. 00. I'll be Sam, you be Billy. Mark: Sam gives Billy 50% of what he has. Now Billy gives Sam 50% of what he has. Now, Sam gives Billy 100% of what he has left. How much does Sam have? Tim: Nothing. Mark: Exactly. Thanks, Sam. [Takes the money] Tim: Sam wasn't a very bright guy, was he? Tim: I'm driving. Al: [Dressed as Santa Claus] Now, Tim, it's against regulations to let an elf drive the sleigh. Marty Taylor: [looking for a job] Here's one: work long hours and on weekends with low pay. Harry: I already have that job. Al: Say, do you think they call it a nail gun because it shoots nails? Al: Speaking of staple guns, do you suppose that they call it a staple gun, because it shoots out staples? [Audience is silent] Tim: Yes I do, Al. Bud Harper: Tim, did I ever tell you about the executive who threw a game? Tim: Wearing a turban? Bud Harper: Fez. Al: These are also useful if Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear. Tim: No problem there. I'm not wearing any. Tim: For 60 minutes, they picked my brain clean. Brad: So what did you do for the other 59 minutes? Randy: We couldn't find any garlic gloves. Jill: No, honey, I meant CLOVES. Randy: Oh, so we had Mark sniffing gloves for nothing. Tim: For men, there are two kinds of vegetables: your beans and your potatoes. I had my beans yesterday. Al: I know. Tim: We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al. Al: I don't want to be a color, Tim. Tim: Neither did red and look how well he turned out. Tim: [Has just awakened Wilson by throwing a ball at his door] Wilson, have you ever had a really annoying neighbor? Wilson: [after a pause] Tim is this a trick question? Tim: [Al accidentally throws a duck through a window] You've heard of pheasant under glass? This would be quacker through the glass. Heidi: Binford Tool is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and Al "The Most Sensitive Guy in the World" Borland. Al: It's The Tiki Hut Cookbook. Heidi: Do you like it? Al: I love this. Now I can make pu-pu at home. Tim: I'm no more valuable than Al. Al: I agree. Tim: On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools. Al: Actually, Tim, there is: at the end of the job... [Tries to switch on Tim's soupled-up power sander] Al: ...my tools still work. Wilson: Cognitive dissonance is when pieces of our lives no longer make sense. Beliefs we've always held true seem to be false so we have to re-order our way of thinking. Tim: Ha ha ha. Are you saying that a Rambler could hook bumpers with a Ferrari? Wilson: It's very possible. Tim: No, no, no. If what you're saying is true then everything I believe is false. Let me think about this. This means that maybe cars aren't the most important thing in the world, opera is more manly than football? Al's mother is thin? Wilson: Tim, are you growing a beard? Tim: What d'you think? Wilson: Well, I'm not sure. I could never understand why a man would wanna hide his face. Brad: Wanna go play some Zombie Sneak Attack? Randy: Can't do it. Dad made a few adjustments. The zombies won't be coming back from the dead any more. Randy: What did the moron have for breakfast? Tim: I don't know. Randy: This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast. Tim: I got a great joke for you. What did the moron have for breakfast? Jill: Today you had cereal and an English muffin. Tim: Okay, Mark, you're going to be seeing raw power in motion. Arr arr arr. Raw power in the form of precision fluid movements with a bowling pin-type radar able to destroy every thing in its path. Oh. Oh. Oh. Jill: Gutter ball. Tim: [Bowling] You're dead, pin. You're dead. You and your nine scrawny friends too. [Throws the ball] Mark: Yay, Daddy, you did it. You knocked down that one pin. Jill: And you left his nine scrawny friends. Jill: We're keeping score. Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score. Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him? Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT? Mother: Get out of my face. Jill: Why don't you tell that to your breakfast donut? Tim: [after unsuccessfully breaking a block of wood with his head] B-Binford Tools. Messages. We have 'em. Al: We'll be right back. Tim: Helping my mom move will allow me to do something I've always wanted to do. Wilson: Spend more time with her? Tim: No, drive a really big truck. Tim: [Driving an 18-wheeler] I love this truck. This is great. 5-speed tranny, 5 tons of big, Detroit diesel, this could be the greatest day of my life. Arr arr arr. Jill: Tim, you are driving way too fast. Tim: [to himself] If I were alone, this could be the greatest day of my life. Brad: [Brad wants to go skiing on Christmas eve] But Mom, it's perfect. I mean, I don't have school and I can take your presents with me and open them there. Tim: [to angel statue] Do you feel the love in this room? Do you? Jill: The family is always together on Christmas. We hang our stockings together. We talk to relatives on the phone. You have your new saxophone so you can play along while we sing carols and I'm going to make nana's special oyster pecan stuffing. Tim: [Gagging] Do you suppose there's room for one more skier in that car? Jill: We're always together at Christmas, even that year your father fell down the chimney. We were together. We were in the emergency room but we were together. Tim: All right, you stay in your room. I don't want you sneaking downstairs to watch that Tool Time marathon. Tim: This weekend is the Tool Time marathon. 40 straight hours of Tim and Al hijinks. Jill: It's also Christmas. Tim: It's also Christmas. Tim: You lied in church on Christmas Eve? Watch out for those lightning bolts. God doesn't like that stuff. Jill: At least I'm not begging the Almighty for two touchdowns and a field goal. Al: I remember my first Christmas rebellion: I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing 'Oh, Tannenbaum'. Tim: Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland. [to Jill] Tim: Are you all right? Al: Yeah I'm okay. It was a long time ago. Tim: [to Jill] I meant, are YOU okay? Al: I saw Mark in his costume. I always wanted to be the letter N. Tim: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al. [singing to the tune of Noel] Tim: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al. Tim: What are you doing with the skis? Brad: Oh, um, I was gonna donate them to the needy. Tim: Yeah, that's just what they need down at the mission. Food and skis. Brad: Look, Dad, I explained it all in a note. Tim: It better be a good one. "Went skiing. Brad". Brad: All I wanted to do was be with my friends. A lot of people I like are going to be down there. Tim: Christmas is not about being with people you like. It's about being with your family. Brad: [Brad's car has been stolen and stripped] I can't believe this. There's nothing they can do? Tim: I'm with Brad. Somebody has got to be held accountable for this. Jill: You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do. Tim: Maybe there's nothing THEY can do. But there's something *I* can do. I'm the guy who delivered a baby after being crowned Car Guy of the Year in the same night. I'm the guy that built a lawn mower than can do 12 seconds in a 1/4 mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill in orbit, so don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm the Tool Man, I can fix ANYTHING. Jill: Alright, zip up your fly and let's go. Tim: That's our favorite Christmas carol. The Little Engine Boy. Vroom, vroom-vroom-vroom, vroom. Al: I'd better go before the Putt-Putt is shut-shut. Benny: I got half a mind to go out and look for a job. Al: I'm part owner and she makes me feel like a stock boy. Dolores: Hey stocky boy, run across the street and get me some hot tea. Tim: Yeah, stocky boy. Remember how she likes it: two sugars and a big lump of arsenic. Tim: The Mustang is in the shop and I'm driving Jill's Nomad. I hate driving her car. I get in there, of course, no gas, hasn't been washed in three months, cookie crumbs on the front seat. Why can't she take care of her car? How simple would it be... Dolores: Could it be she's a tad busy going to school, raising three kids, and making sure you have a nice house to come home to? Tim: Could be. Dolores: You've gotta decide who comes first: your stupid friends or me. Harry: Well, when you put it that way... my stupid friends. Harry: It will be a cold day in July before I let you anywhere near my hardware store. Dolores: Well guess what? Summer is coming early this year. Tim: Hey Cousin Randy, why don't you play with Cousin Gracie so Uncle Tim can go play with Mr. Hot Rod? Randy: Well, Cousin Randy would love to, but unfortunately I've got to spend a couple hours with Uncle Chemistry and Aunt Algerbra. Tim: [Playing with Buzz Lightyear doll] I am Buzz Lightyear. No, *I* am Buzz Lightyear. No, *I* am Buzz Lightyear. No, I come in peace. Doll: I come in peace. Tim: No, *I* come in peace. Randy: [Trick or Treaters at the door consist of a Buzz Lightyear and Simba the lion] Okay, 2 for the space man and seven for the cute little lion. Tim: Harry, you've been married 25 years, Man, you gotta feel a little bad about this break up. Harry: You're right, Tim, I do feel bad - that it didn't happen 24 years ago. Tim: Harry is acting like this is the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but you know what? I'm not buying it. They argue a lot, yes, he loves her and deep down somewhere this guy is hurting. Jill: Oh my God. Tim: What happened? Jill: Did you just hear yourself? You've had an insight. And it was incredibly sensitive. Instead of taking Harry's behavior at face value, you looked deeper and saw his inner pain. Tim: I didn't mean to. I swear to God I didn't mean to. Jill: You know what this means, don't you? You're evolving. Tim: I am not and you take that back. Wilson: Maybe the good doctor has ESP. Tim: What does having a cable sports channel have to do with this? Gracie: That's Mr. Lion Cub. Tim: Sorry, I've never been a lion cub before. Randy: I have. You know, I gotta tell you it's a tough gig. Everyone expects you to be king. Wilson: That isn't the correct interpretation of Miss Gaskell's words. Jill: I don't think she'll complain. She's been dead 100 years. Tim: Hey, show a little respect. That's Eddie Haskell's mom, right? Brad: Do you think maybe if no one tells Mom that I could drive the hot rod? Tim: Well, I was kind of waiting to surprise you... NO. Tim: My sons are interested in baseball cards as an investment, and they don't wanna get ripped off. 'Ink' Ingram: Sorry, all we do here is rip people off. Store policy. Tim: I didn't mean to insult you, Mister...? 'Ink' Ingram: Rip-offer. Con-man T. Rip-offer. Tim: From the famous Jack the Rip-offer family? Wilson: Have you thought about what you'll study in college? Brad: Yeah, I think about it all the time. Wilson: Besides girls. Brad: Then no. Tim: Wilson, are you naked? Wilson: No, Tim, I am wearing a hat. Tim: Oh no, we overslept. Al: I have to go. Tim: No, stick around awhile. Al: [Running outside] No, I mean I have to GO. Tim: We have a bathroom in the house, Al. Randy: Oh yeah, Dad, by the way I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom. Tim: Real funny. Don't quit your day job. Jill: That was real adult. Tim: Well he started it. Jill: Mom called me a nickname and she always called me this nickname. She said it when I was 14, we just moved to a new place and she said it right in front of all my new friends. I was so mad at her. The mean things I called her. Tim: Never mind what you called her, what did she call you? Jill: Oh right, like I'm really gonna tell you. You have to swear that you won't breathe a word of it to anyone. Tim: Cross my heart and hope to die. Hope a wrench hits me right in the eye. Jill: Jilly Dilly. [Tim laughs] Jill: I don't want to hear that name in this house ever again. Tim: I may have to say it on Tool Time. Wilson: Parents are the bone on which children sharpen their teeth. What I'm saying is that when a boy is young, he worships his father and in order for the boy to become a man, he's got to see his father as a fallible human being and stop seeing him as a god. [Later] Tim: Where's Randy? I got to talk to him. I just found out I'm not God. Jill: Oh Tim, I'm so sorry. Tim: [to Randy] I know what's going on here. You're at the point in your life where you have to clean your teeth on my bones. Brad: I decided that if a girl is going to like me, she's going to like me for who I am. Jill: She dumped you, huh? Brad: Yep. Tim: For the next couple years you're not going to be yourself. Randy: Who am I going to be? Tim: A little wise guy that smarts off to people that a lot of people think is a real jerk. Randy: Chip off the old block, eh? Randy: Did you rebel against your father? Tim: He died before I could be a real jerk. Randy: He'd be proud if he could see you now. Tim: I don't want you making jokes about my job, or about me getting hurt and screwing things up. Anything that makes me look bad. Randy: What is left to joke about? Tim: Mom. Tim: Guys, wanna hear something real funny about your mother? Randy: She's not really married to you? Tim: How long do you want to stay up in your room? Randy: Don't blame me. It was adolescence. Tim: Listen, what do you think Nana called Mom when she was little? Mark: Jill? Tim: No, a name that might annoy her. Brad: Tim. Tim: Back off. Okay, when she was real little, Nana used to call her... Jill: [Over intercom] Don't even think about it, Tim. Tim: Today is the day. Jill: That you come to your senses and realize we don't need an intercom? Tim: The day I come to my senses is a long way off. Tim: [They're in the car, driving to a wedding] I know where we're going. I know where we are. Jill: There's a sign. "Adrian, Six Miles". Adrian. Adrian is on 223, we are down and right. We should be up and left. We have gone way out of the way. Tim: Thank you, Rand McNally. And we're only an inch or so off. Jill: I see, so when we hit Ecuador, you'll say we're off by about a foot and a half? Tim: By the time I stop and ask for directions, we're going to be there. Watch the map; you're folding it wrong. Jill: Who died and made you the map police? Tim: The next sign we see will be North Adams. Right there, what does that sign say? Jill: "Welcome to Ohio". Tim: Um... We won't be needing that Michigan map, will we? Jill: [They've accidentally driven to Ohio] If we hit Kentucky, I am filing for a divorce. Tim: Alright, I'll pull it over. Tim: I really was sure that I knew where I was going. I sensed it, you know. Wilson: Men navigate by instincts and women navigate by landmarks. Tim: Yeah, she kept talking about some huge man with a donut. Wilson: That's the sign for Bill's Big Bun Bonanza. Randy: [Tim is wearing a kilt] Hi, Mom, where's Dad? Wilson: Tim, don't sell your stupid instincts short. Do you realize that people have a tiny compass in their nose? Tim: I was never aware of that. No. Wilson: Yes, people have a tiny iron deposit in their nose. And that gives them directions to magnetic north and since men have more iron in their bodies than women, it only follows that they would make a better compass. Tim: Then how come I couldn't find the wedding? Wilson: Well, Tim, a map is a little more acurate than your nose. It's also a heck of a lot easier to fold. Tim: [Later; to Jill] I just got all disoriented, even though my nose is filled with iron boogers. Tim: Brad never called me a joke. Jill: No, Brad threw rocks at windows and got brought home by the police. Tim: Why can't Randy be more like that? Brad: You lied to me, you said I could go to the truck rally. Tim: Does sneaking out and breaking windows ring a bell to you? Brad: Ah, why don't you just go... [mutters] Tim: What did you just say to me? Brad: Nothing. Tim: You just got two more days, pal. Brad: Fine, pal. The Colonel: [greeting Tim] Do you still live here? The Colonel: '61 was a vintage year. You should have bought one of those Lincolns when they first came out. Tim: I would have, Sir, but I was 6. The Colonel: '61 was a vintage year. You should have bought one of those Lincolns when they first came out. Tim: I would've sir, but I was six. The Colonel: That's no excuse. [Tim finds an old eight-track tape in the basement] Tim Taylor: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." [begins to sing, off key] Tim Taylor: In A Gadda Da Vida, baby... [Jill takes the tape away] Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"? Tim Taylor: I just was. In A Gadda Da Vida... Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" so people would want to hear it? Tim: Dinner is at 2300 hours. The Colonel: That's 11 PM. Tim: Um, we eat late. Tim: Let's see, he went to bed at 2300 hours. He wanted nine hours of sleep, that would be 3200. Minus twelve, you add that up, uh... 20 O'clock. The Colonel: So, did you read my book? Tim: Yes, we did. The Colonel: What did you think of it? Tim: There's a lot of good stuff in there. It's a tad bit wordy. But in a good way. The Colonel: A writer is supposed to use words. What did you want, pictures? Tim: Could've helped a little. You know what was so odd, you had a book and it didn't have any people in it. The Colonel: This is a book about policy and objectives and how to win a war. You don't want to clutter that up with a lot of people. Tim: Good point. Writing a book about war, you don't want to talk about people. The Colonel: [aggravated] All right, you didn't like the book. I'm gonna get the boys. We'll be back at 1300 hours. Tim: What time is that? The Colonel: It's 1:00. Why is that so difficult for you to understand? Every private in the army gets it by the end of the first day. Jill: Daddy, I'm sorry I upset you, but... The Colonel: I'm not upset. IF I WERE UPSET, I'D BE YELLING. Jill: When we were growing up, we weren't allowed to tell you anything that might upset you. The Colonel: Oh really? Then why the hell was I upset so much? Jill: We're not your soldiers, Dad. The Colonel: Damn right. My soldiers were under control. Then I'd come home to your mother and you five girls and I NEVER KNEW WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON. [Tim's hockey puck machine misfires a puck onto The Colonel's car] The Colonel: My car. Tim: It was Jill. Tim: [on the phone with the police] My son's car was stolen and I'm offering free Tool Time tickets to the man that finds it... Officer? I fail to see the humor in what I just said. Tim: You gave them shrapnel? What did you give me? The Colonel: I gave you my daughter. Tim: Yeah you're right, Sir. But I'm kind of tired of playing with that gift. The Colonel: And then, who should grab my shoulder but General Douglas MacArthur. Mark: Who? The Colonel: Your father never told you about General MacArthur? Mark: No, but he told me about General Motors. Al: But first, I would like to get something off my chest. Tim: That tie? Al: Ah, I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The other day I was in the supermarket and I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans, 3 for a dollar. And I took four. And the lady at the check-out counter said, "Hey, can't you count?" Al: I take my work seriously and all you do is crack jokes. Tim: Crack jokes? Well the way you bend over like that... Al: See? Now that's what I'm talking about. Al: Anyone can do what you do. Tim: Oh really? You think you could do what I do? Al: Oh please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time? Tim: A lot harder than it looks. Tim: My pneumatic dry-wall stilts. Al: Pneumatic dry-wall stilts? Tim: Is there an echo in the building? Felix Mymnan: [Thanks to Tim, the water pipes are groaning loudly, fit to burst] I know that sound from when I worked on a sub in the navy. Tim: What happens now? Felix Myman: I'm going AWOL. [Exits] Al: Me too. [Exits] Tim: [to camera] I'm going down. Randy: [about going to church] A lot of the time I question why I'm there. Tim: Well you question all you want to so long as your butt is in that pew. Al: [In church] I'll just take a pew behind you. Tim: Most people use the bathroom, Al. Jill: [In church] Where are you going? Tim: Um, to the little boys' room to take a pew. Al: I can't find Tim. I checked the bathrooms. Men's AND women's. Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, "Al". Jill: It's that bad, huh? Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on video tape. Last night it was three hours of Muskie Fishing With Uncle Phil. Did you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popcicle sticks? Jill: Lot's of kids do stuff like that. Tim: It was life sized. Al: It's difficult to go through life with a deviated septum. Tim: It could be worse. You could be working at the circus as Al the Donkey Boy. Tim: [Al has locked him out] Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years. Al: It's over between us. Tim: Al, open the door. Al: No. You should never have made that recording of me in bed. Tim: [about a hotel room] The bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks. Jill: And the room was so small. Tim: Small? It was so small the mice were hunchback. It was so small that when I put my key through the door it went out the window. It was so small all you could order was condenced milk. I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small there was no room for complaint. Tim: [to Jill] It's much better kissing you. Al's beard was so scratchy. At least you shave. Brad: Hey Dad, why didn't you marry Al? Tim: Um, I thought about it. I just couldn't stand the thought of him baring my children. Little babies with beards and flannel diapers... Tim: [Upon seeing Jill's new car] It's British. Jill: It's a 1967 Austin Healy. Tim: I know what the heck it is. I don't know anything about British cars. Jill: That was a big selling point. Tim: These things require constant attention, honey. Jill: I know. I was thinking I could learn about the car and maybe do some of the work myself. [Tim bursts out laughing] Tim: [Upset over Jill's new car] It's a shocker. I don't know what to say. Jill: How about saying that you're really happy that I got the car I wanted? Tim: Alright, I... I'm... IT'S BRITISH. These people made a fighter plane out of wood. They put kidneys in pies for God's sakes. Tim: Can I have the keys, please? Jill: What for? Tim: I want to take it for a little drive and see what kind of trouble you got yourself in. Jill: You put down my car, you put me down for buying my car, and you expect me to hand over the keys so you can take it for a drive and tell me what else is wrong with it? Tim: It's a thought. Randy: What kind of sick person hot wires his wife's car? Tim: I think you boys are old enough to know the truth: your father is a sick, sick man. Brad: Hey Dad, I heard a woman hit you with her purse. Randy: What happened? She wouldn't let you borrow her make-up? Tim: Son, you wanna say that one more time to me? Randy: No. Jill: Why are you so fascinated with fighting? I don't want anybody to beat anybody up. What is wrong with you people? You make me sick. I just want you to love each other, you big bunch of jerks. Tim: [to Brad and Randy] Er, you satisfied? You know she was talking to you two. Tim: You all know my assistant, Al Borland... Al? We're on the air, Al! Al: [From inside the bathroom] What? [Rushes out] Al: You could have given me some warning. Tim: Where would the fun be in that? Al: The space between your ears could fill the Mall of America. Tim: [Hisses] Tim: Next, we'll try to convert some poor sap into Al's house guest. Al: Then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard. Tim: Gee, Al not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom. Tim: You are staying out past midnight and no more arguments! Jill: [about Brad] He's having dinner at 9:00. Just a couple years ago he's going to bed at 9:00. Tim: A couple years from now, *we'll* be going to bed at 9:00. Jill: I want to make this dinner real special. What is Samantha's favorite dish? Brad: Chicken Cordon Bl"u with endive watercrest salad. Jill: We'll go with your favorite dish. Brad: Sloppy Joes and tater tots? Mark: Here comes the groom. Brad: Shut up. Randy: You know, Brad, we were thinking about places to have your bachelor party. How do you feel about Chuck E. Cheese's? Mark: Yeah , the groom gets free tokens. Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her. Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher. Elaine: Ever been to Vegas? Randy: Yeah, went last year. Got a fake ID, hooked up with a show girl and won 12 grand. Elaine: Any of that true? Randy: Not a word. Tim: I'm having a little trouble with my 15 year old son. He's having a little trouble with your boss. Rev. Mike Webber: The bishop? Tim: The Boss. Rev. Mike Webber: Springsteen? Tim: His boss. Rev. Mike Webber: Ah, God. Gotcha. Tim: I feel that if I don't try, then the kid may... Rev. Mike Webber: Wind up on the wrong path? Tim: It's like he's been crusing along 275 in a great line then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he get's off an exit and there he is on Telegraph. Rev. Mike Webber: Potholes, permanent construction. Tim: I used to race on Telegraph. Rev. Mike Webber: Yeah, those were some sporting races. I remember one night some kid took this beautiful Chevelle Super Sport, a '67. Man, he just corkscrewed off a turn - the idiot wrecked it! Tim: I was there. I was there. Rev. Mike Webber: That was a cherry car. The guy built it; he must have built it, but he couldn't handle it. Tim: No no, he could handle it. Look, it was a '68, and it was a Nova and the kid did all he c- Let's talk about Randy a minute, can we? Tim: Eight pieces of pizza and I'm still laughing. It wasn't very funny in the car with the windows rolled up, was it? Tim: You know, there's a place where people get together and pray for God's protection. Randy: Dad, I'm not going to church. Tim: I was talking about Tool Time. Tim: Why not take her some Tool Time tapes? Jill: Please, the woman's suffered enough. Tim: You just don't understand the intrecacies of the male mind. Jill: Explain it to me, I've got a minute. Tim: Guy A challenges Guy B. Guy B accepts the challenge, Guy A is automatically challenged by Guy B not to back down from the challenge that A gave to Guy B. Jill: Okay, let me explain to you the workings of the female mind: Guy A and Guy B are both idiots and Randy is not racing. Randy: I'm the shortest kid in my class and don't tell me my height doesn't matter. Jill: It doesn't matter. It's what's inside of you that counts, don't sell yourself short. Sorry. Brad: This isn't going to be one of your 'When I was a little girl' stories, is it? Jill: No, now just sit down... When I was a little person about your age... Tim: I know the church. She's almost been married there three times. Just follow the tear drops right up to the door. Besides, I think you're forgetting who has the radar-like sense of direction around here. [Heads to the garage] Jill: Tim, car's out front. Tim: Um... Well the radar doesn't really kick in until you get in the car. Tim: She loved it. Best night of her life. Randy: Yeah right. I guess that's why you didn't come home with your wife. [Tim grabs Randy's head] Randy: Over the edge? Tim: Way over the edge. Jill: I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you. Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me? Jill: Oh no one, you know, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my cousins, the minister, the post man, some guy down at the mail box, you know, oh and Sheila, who said to me, "Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one". Tim: Good thing she was wrong. Jill: Who said she was wrong? Mark: You guys are lying. Jill: Mark, let me handle this. You guys are lying. Tim: If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it. Brad: Knee ya sex time... I mean see ya next time. Tim: Hey Al, we need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. You wanna join us? Al: I haven't played in about ten years. Tim: Perfect. Wilson: Ah Randy, everyone does that. Randy: Really? Wilson: No, I'm just trying to make you feel better. Jill: What do you want to talk about? Tim: I wanna talk about what Sherlock Wendell Holmes said. The reason I want daughters is because they're like rotten peaches. I should just play with my pears. Jill: I think it would be better for all concerned if you didn't father any more children. Wilson: Your father told me that my over-zealous pedagogy would only extinguish your Elizabethan exuberance. Randy: My dad said that? Wilson: Actually he said I was being a jackass. Randy: That's Dad. Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the Great Randini! Tim: Al, what's your favorite part of gardening? Al: Getting down and dirty with my hoe! [Tim and Al are substituting on a cooking show, and Al is showing how to prepare Gumbo] Tim: If you threw Al's mom in there, you'd have Jumbo Gumbo. [pause; no one laughs] Tim: Of course you'd have to know Al's mom to get that joke. She's a very large, angry woman. Jill: Randy yanked the shoes off of a kid at school, and filled them with Cheez Whiz. Randy: But mom, you don't understand. He's a total geek. Jill: Don't call him that. Randy: What am I supposed to call him then? Tim: How about the Whiz Kid? Tim: Some people think that viewing the body gives them a chance to say goodbye to the deceased one last time. Brad: What if I don't wanna look? Tim: Nobody is gonna make you look. Nobody is gonna make *me* look. Tim: Randy? Randy: Dad, I don't know why I'm making all these stupid jokes. Tim: It's okay, it's okay. Sometimes making jokes is a way to deal with the loss of somebody, that's how you grieve. I did the same thing at my dad's funeral. Randy: Oh yeah, now that you talk about it, I remember Aunt Rita's funeral, you had some jokes then. You killed. Tim: But the truth is, in situations like these, you gotta be careful who you make the jokes around. Randy: Dad, I know. I would never say these kinds of things around Grandma. Tim: And make no jokes around your mom or Mark or anybody sensitive. Just do them around me. Brad: Dad, it's just one Christmas. I mean, it's not that big a deal. Tim: Well it is to your mom and me and to me. [Jill wants Tim to get a vasectomy] Tim: I thought you were talking about the tube-tying thing. Jill: Well, I am talking about the tube-tying thing, except it's your tubes. Jill: What causes sibling rivalry? Tim: Having more than one kid! Jill: I'm so glad our family values are rubbing off on you. Randy: What do you mean? Jill: Well your father and I have always taught you that holidays are about sharing and putting other people first. Tim: [Enters] Honey, look what we got. The last turkey they had. The biggest one. It's all mine, mine, mine! Tim: Oh, hey, Benny. I didn't see you. Benny Baroni: You know, it just occurred to me: Thursday is Thanksgiving. Tim: Thanksgiving is falling on a Thursday this year? Tim: [watching "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"] Sure it's easy to be happy when you're made out of wood. Tim: [Tim is fantasizing that he and his family are wooden dolls] Let's not get hung up on how we look. There are more important things to think about during the holidays. Brad: Like your lighting contest? Tim: Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm through putting Christmas lights on this house. I'm giving all the holiday lights to the homeless. Jill: And where exactly are the homeless going to hang them? Tim: Good point... We'll give them the house too! [Tim is dreaming that he and his family are wooden dolls] Tim: Boys, go get your rooms and put them in the box. Mark: But where are we going to live? Tim: You, you, you. You people have got to stop thinking about yourselves. Jill: Tim, you've changed. You're caring. Giving. You're... loving. And you've got a termite coming out of your ear. Tim: Have a little compassion. Even the lowliest creature needs a friend. Al: [in Tim's dream, he is a wooden doll and Al is a snowman] We have something very special to show you today. Say hello to the new Binford 6100 Toolapalooza. It saws. It sands. It welds. It grinds. It does absolutely everything. Tim: Not everything, Al. Does it feed the hungry? Does it clothe the naked? Does it heal the sick? Al: I don't know. I haven't tried all the attachments. [Tim and Jill are watching a video that Jimmy Carter sent them] Jimmy Carter: Hi Tim, Al, and Jill. I'd like to thank you for your participation in our Habitats for Humanity housing blitz. Tim: You're welcome. Jimmy Carter: Al and Jill, the house you built is a perfect example of what can happen when caring people band together for a common good. And Tim, well, what can I say? Crews are working round the clock to repair the house you've built. Oh yeah, Rosalynn would like a picture of Al. Tim: Let's tape over this. Tim: Calvin, where you been? Cal Borland: Tim, you gave me wrong directions. Tim: You should have checked them twice. Right, Evander? Evander Holyfield: Hey, you gave me the wrong directions too. Tim: Did I? All right, wait a minute. Do I jump in the ring and tell you how to box? [Evander towers over Tim] Tim: ...it's not like I would. Tim: What are you doing, Wilson? Wilson: [places a large salmon on his grill] Tim, I'm smoking a fish. Tim: Regular or menthol? Tim: [on the phone with John Elway] Tomorrow I expect you lifting something heavier than a jelly doughnut! Yes, I would say this to your face. I may not be talking this loud. And you can tell that to your pal Holyfield too... Actually I'd prefer it if YOU told him. Brad: I can't dance with my mother. Jill: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here. Jennifer Sadarski: My dad and I always watch Tool Time. Tim: Great. Let me get you an autographed picture. Jennifer Sadarski: Oh, that would be great.could you make it of Al? He really loves Al. Tim: [pause] We all do. BRAD! Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, why did Brad leave? Jill: [Dressed as a giant carrot] I guess he was feeling embarrassed about his costume. Curtis: Oh. So when are you gonna leave? Curtis: That's a nice costume, Mrs. Taylor. You can't even tell how fat you are. Jill: What are you supposed to be? Curtis: I'm an atom. Jill: Then why don't you split? Randy: Sounds like Mom's kicking your butt. Jill: Yeah, with Al and a team of girls. Mark: You're losing to girls? Tim: I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl. She's almost professional. I heard in her talent competition she put up drywall. Tim: I go to the opera with you. Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film? Tim: Didn't we just see "Le Robocop"? Jill: We never said we weren't going to have another baby. Tim: I've said it, I've talked about it. I know I've talked about it. I mentioned it on Tool Time. Jill: Oh great, so eleven people know about it? Tim: Do you remember babies at all? Dirty diapers, colic, 2:00 am feedings, 3:00 am feedings. I don't have the energy for that any more. Jill: You don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"? Tim: [about a mouse] Jill, it's just an innocent thing. Jill: Tim, they are dirty, they carry disease, they eat garbage. Tim: So do the boys and you're not afraid of them. Randy: [there is a snake in the light fixture] Come on, Dad, just stick your finger in the light. When the snake bites it, pull him out. Tim: Ha ha ha. Can I talk to you a minute? Maybe you didn't hear ol' Dad the first time: shut up. Heidi: Scott and I are separated. He moved out two weeks ago. Al: Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before? Heidi: Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work. Tim: Why not? Heidi: Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work". Tim: Since when do you listen to me? Heidi: Since you said I'd better start listening to you. Al: [to Tim] Nice going, Mr. Compassion! Al: Show me the hand signals for swinging the crane. Tim: Hello? Boom! [shows him, accidentally breaking Al's home-made crane model] Tim: Oh, sorry, Al. Uh, well I guess that's it for the hand signals. Al: Actually, Tim, I do have one another hand signal for you that's not in the manual. Jill: I was a social activist in high school. I was very involved in the feminist movement. I went to rallies where hundreds of women burned their bras. Tim: I cheered those women on. Jill: I'm Jill Taylor, I'm a counseling intern. Lou Hanson: Nice to meet you. Jill: Well, before we begin, I'd like to talk a little bit about my methodology. I am an avid proponent of emotionally focused couples therapy, which is founded on the belief that couples hide their primary emotions and instead exhibit secondary reactive emotions which result in negative interactions which is pursue/distance or blame/withdraw, serving as a defense against a more vulnerable, primary emotions. Any questions? Lou Hanson: Are you the only therapist or can we get someone else? Tim: You know my son, Randy? Bud Harper: Of course I do. How could I forget the little guy? You still on the soccer team? Randy: No, that's my older brother, Brad. Bud Harper: Oh, oh, you're the Karate Kid! Randy: No, that's Mark. Bud Harper: Oh. Well, what do you do? Tim: When you get older, you'll understand not everything is so cut and dried! Randy: I understand that now, Dad. You're taking the company line. You're a sellout. But then to be a sellout, you'd have to have principles to begin with. Tim: Hey, I not only have principles, but I'm your ride home! Randy: I'll take public transportation! Tim: Hey, don't use your fancy words with me. It's called a bus! Tim: What if he starts protesting leather? Says we can't eat meat. Or what if he starts falling in love with dolphins and says we gotta throw out all our tuna? I'm only saying this once: I love my kids, but I will never, EVER give up my tuna. Bridget: How come every time I drive by the plant, all that smoke

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