Ford Fairlane: I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story. Ford Fairlane: I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE. Ford Fairlane: Have a twinkie, snapperhead. Lt. Amos: Are you calling me an asshole, asshole? Ford Fairlane: No, I'm calling you an anus, anus. Don Cleveland: Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on here, slowly? Zuzu Petals: Well... it... all... started... with... this... condom... factory... Ford Fairlane: Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "fuck" again and I'll bang you right to fuck. Now get the fuck out of here. [Looking at a corpse's breasts] Ford Fairlane: Damn, baby, I hope you signed some organ donor cards. [to his erection] Ford Fairlane: Come on, down boy. Down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. Gone. Lt. Amos: Two words. "Disco Express." Ford Fairlane: Disco Express? They blew dog. And that lead singer, he kinda looked like... Lt. Amos: Like ME, right? Ford Fairlane: Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like shit, but... he looked like you. Ford Fairlane: Hey, great pipes, huh? I've heard cats fuck with more harmony. Ford Fairlane: I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm. Johnny Crunch: If there are any teenage virgins listening, show up at KDRT right now with a jar of petroleum jelly, and ask to speak to Johnny Crunch. Ford Fairlane: [to women running from his bed] Do my dishes. Ford Fairlane: What are your names, Neil and Bob, or is that like what you do? Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it? Twin Club Girl: Yeah. Wait a minute. 555 is not a real number. They only use that in the movies. Ford Fairlane: No shit, honey. What do you think this is? Real life? Ford Fairlane: You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life.
: So many assholes... So few bullets... Ford Fairlane: Clint Eastwood... I fucked 'im. Lt. Amos: You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women... Ford Fairlane: You got to admit those are pretty good reasons... Colleen Sutton: Nothing disgusts me. At the age of eleven I walked in on my father and the Shetland pony. Does that excite you? Ford Fairlane: I don't know, I never met your father. Ford Fairlane: Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want. Ford Fairlane: Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try." and pulled out a straw... Ford Fairlane: Yo. Snapperhead. Jazz: Well, that weekend was a mistake. Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed? Ford Fairlane: How much? Ticket Guy: 300. Ford Fairlane: 300? You charged the chicks one. Ticket Guy: Hey, they blew me. Ford Fairlane: Heh. 300 coming up. Lt. Amos: I can't believe anybody can have so much fucking fun in a funeral, Fairlane. Lt. Amos: See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you. Ford Fairlane: Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you. Lt. Amos: No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are. Ford Fairlane: Spam. Ford Fairlane: Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful. Ford Fairlane: Un-fucking-believable. [At the "sisters'" house, surrounded by all the semi-nude women] Ford Fairlane: hibb... hibbdy... Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know. Amiable Tourist: Can you give us directions to Mann's Chinese Theatre? Ford Fairlane: Hey. Go back to Michigan. Amiable Tourist: We're from Wisconsin. Ford Fairlane: Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Now fuck off. Don Cleveland: [to Julian Grendale] With friends like you, who needs enemas? Ford Fairlane:
Here's to you, Johnny. Sucking my dick. (toasting with Johnny Crunch at the radio station)