Louis:
There are several sacred things in this world that you don't *ever* mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. Now, you remember that, and you will live a long and healthy life.
Louis:
Looks like somebody threw away a perfectly good white boy!
[Carl and James playing Trivial Pursuit]
Carl:
What does a phrenologist feel and interpret?
James:
The size of Walt's asshole.
James:
Who was Richard Nixon's chief of staff during the final days of Watergate?
Carl:
Oprah Winfrey.
James:
What are you doing?
Carl:
I hate shitheads who bully their women.
James:
So what are you going to do?
Carl:
Shoot him.
James:
What?
Carl:
It's the principle, James.
James:
With a pellet gun? What are you going to accomplish using that stupid thing?
Carl:
It allows me to seriously aggravate a situation without actually changing the course of history. It also stings like a bitch.
[Carl prepares to go across the street to spy on Susan]
Louis:
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Carl:
C'mon, guys. I'm not gonna get in over my head.
James:
Yeah, well that depends on which head you're talking about.
James:
This is the last year we throw trash.
Carl:
You said that last year.
James:
Yeah, but this year I mean it.
Carl:
You meant it last year.
James:
I want to report a murder and a kidnapping.
Dispatcher:
Did they take the body?
James:
No, I have the body.
Dispatcher:
Did you kill the victim, sir?
James:
No, I didn't kill him.
Dispatcher:
Have you been kidnapped?
James:
No, I'm not the one who's been kidnapped. Listen, I know this sounds really strange...
James:
What a beautiful day. Warm Sun, beautiful women, and the air... is just right... for drinking.
James:
[offering a slice of pizza to the pizza delivery man] Are you hungry? Would you like some?
Louis:
31
[having a Vietnam flashback]
f82
Don't give him any, James.
James:
Why not? He might be hungry.
Louis:
He's a prisoner; he should be treated accordingly.
James:
Have you completely lost your mind? We're not soldiers and he's not the enemy. He's a pizza man.
Louis:
Back in Fubai, he would have been killed the second he knocked on that door. I would have snapped his neck like a twig.
James:
Louis, Louis, calm down!
Louis:
[pointing the pellet gun at the pizza delivery man] The commie bastard gets no food!
Louis:
[to rent-a-cop Mike, after pointing the pellet gun at the pizza delivery man's head] Yeah, cop, I know you, man. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, we've got us another crazy nigger here with a gun. Well, let me tell you something. Human life means very little to me at this point in time. You see, I thrive on misery. In the jungle, misery's all you got. But things are different back here in the world, or so they seem. Nobody wants to talk about pain and suffering. Everybody wants everything to be nice and civil. Well, OK then. Let's be nice; let's be civil. And let's drop those guns before I pull this trigger and change the way you feel about me.
James:
Carl spends the evening with a beautiful woman and I'm stuck here with a lunatic and a corpse.
Louis:
When I feel like talking to you, I will look at you.
Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager:
[car explodes] That's my car!
Carl:
Looks pretty undriveable...
James:
Eh, Carl?
Carl:
Yeah?
James:
What did you mean when you said I was hopeless?
Carl:
I meant exactly... what I said.
James:
I still don't understand.
Carl:
Well, let's examine the word: hope-less. Less than hopeful. That's what you are.
James:
Am I minorly hopeless, or majorly hopeless?
Carl:
I'd say, majorly. Why do you ask?
James:
I'll try and change.
Carl:
No, you won't.
Louis:
They're moving, let's go!
[motioning to Pizza Man]
Louis:
Pizza Cong comes with us. Get him on his feet, I'll get Tricky Dick.
Biff:
[Biff is slowly coming to after Mario blasted him with a taser gun] Ooohhhh... what happened?
Mario:
Man, it was something. You got struck by lightning. Freak storm.
Jeff, Cop:
[in a reach-around position on park Merry-go-round after being chained with Mike there by Louis, Carl and James] You will swing for this, James... I SHIT YOU NOT!