Stacy: [narrating] It was the early eighties, and sex was still a good way to meet new people. Stacy: [narrating] Okay, when I first met Vinny, I thought, this guy is a living argument for birth control. But as I get to know him better, I realize he's just like the rest of us: a mess. Stacy: I was celibate for so long, I started to feel like a can of kitchen cleanser: you know, sterile and gritty and abrasive. When we made love -- I don't know, I felt like a human again, a mammal, with breasts. Stacy: "Safe sex" -- who would have ever thought those two words would exist in the same sentence? Stacy: Yeah. Now, when you're with a guy, you're not just sleeping with him, you're sleeping with everyone they've had sex with. Ilene: And everyone they've had sex with. Ilene, Melissa: And everyone *they've* had sex with! Melissa: Gee, I'm a lot more experienced than I thought I was! [They laugh.] Ilene: What do you miss most about sex? Stacy: Whoo... I miss falling asleep with someone's arms around me. And the feeling of, mm... Ilene: Orgasm? I love orgasms. Stacy: Mmm. I'm sick of my Mighty Intruder vibrator with the flexible shaft and the textured head. Stacy: This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I remember when it was actually fun to say, "WOW, that really felt great! What's your name again?" Melissa: I've never had sex with someone I didn't know. For that matter, I've never said, "Wow, that felt really great." [About the sexy Megan.] Stacy: Don't let it get to you. Just think, if you separated her individual body parts with, say, like a huge a meat cleaver, and then laid them out on a table, you wouldn't think she was such hot stuff. [After reading the "Pretend You're Sensitive Handbook".] Vinny: Stacy, how nice to see you. Do you have a few minutes? I mean, it occurred to me, I don't even know where you work. Stacy: Where I work? Vinny: Yeah, you know, your career plans, your dreams, your aspirations... I really want to hear all about them. Stacy: What I want? I don't even know -- ask me what anyone else wants. Give me three seconds, I'll figure out your whole entire life. Vinny: Would you maybe want to share something with me about your childhood, perhaps? Stacy: Vinny, what the hell are you talking about? I'm in a big rush. Look, I have to go talk to Melissa, because if I don't figure out something about my life soon, I'm going to crack! Vinny: I respect your strength, Stacy, and I think you've got a lot of potential!
[Everyone is wearing a cap with a hollow post on top.]
Emcee: Well, I hope you've kept your flags well hidden, because if you haven't guessed by now, the person whose flag matches yours will be your date for the evening. Okay? But now the moment's come, so let's unfurl our flags, let's just take them out right now, let's wave them up in the air, shall we? Come on, there we go, wave it, wave it, there we go. This is how it works. You take your flag, and you stick it in the lovely hole right on top of your head, that's right. Just like that. Then, when I blow the whistle, you run, find your partner, fall in love, and have babies. Yes, it's that easy! [Melissa's dream.] Dr. Goodman: The good news is that your Blue Cross will cover this visit. The bad news is that you have herpes simplex I and II, trichomonas, gonorrhea, acute [sic] Dr. Goodman: immune deficiency syndrome related complex, vulvar lesions, secondary syphilis, venereal warts, and a potentially unbearable case of crabs. Melissa: But he was only the third guy in my life, and the first one didn't count! Dr. Goodman: Oh, all contact counts. Melissa: But I thought I had safe sex. Dr. Goodman: Oh, no sex is safe enough for you, Melissa. Well, enjoy the rest of your vacation. [Plunges huge needle into her.] [Nick leaves the room to fetch a condom.] Stacy: [to the camera] This is a miracle! For once it's all up to him. No tubes, no jellies, no furtive trips to the bathroom... I can just sit back and let it happen. I don't have to do anything. Nick: [returning] I'm not too good with these things. Can you give me a hand putting it on? [Attempting seduction.] Matthew: Melissa, did you know that women experience 63% more heightened sensitivity during the arousal phase than during climax itself? Melissa: Really? I like all the phases. [Several minutes into the attempted seduction.] Melissa: What's the matter? Matthew: We have a problem. Melissa: Well, what is it? Matthew: I can't. I'm sorry. Melissa: Is it me? Matthew: No no no, it's not you. It's me. I'm not attracted to you. Melissa: Oh. Matthew: Now, I don't want you to take this as a rejection, but as an acceptance between two people whose needs are profoundly incompatible. And you're not alone. I devote an entire chapter to this in my book. [To the camera.] Melissa: I really wish you hadn't seen that. [Melissa's dream.] Matthew: I lied. I was extremely attracted to you. I just didn't want you to see my unusually small penis. [Narrating as we see an image of Melissa as Marilyn Monroe on the subway vent in The Seven Year Itch (1955).] Melissa:
Just once I'd like to wear a sexy white dress blowing all around me and not have men run away screaming. Just once I'd like to have the kind of sexual experience where you don't have to go to the bathroom and cry afterwards.
Stacy: I bet Marilyn cried in the bathroom after sex, probably more than once. Everyone does. Melissa: Men too? Stacy: They can't. They're asleep. [While being measured at the health spa.] Vinny: If you'd like me to provide you with some vital statistics that can't be measured in a public place, I'd be happy to do so. Female Attendant: You mean your IQ? Vinny: Hey, need a lift? Stacy: Vinny! What are you doing here? Vinny: I was just driving around the neighborhood. Last night I did something-- Look, it's like this. It's Christmas Day, I'm sitting around my house, right, I'm all alone... so, uh, I hop in the limo... 24 hours later, I wind up in Chicago. And I say to myself, Vincent, where the hell you going? That's when it hits me... I'm coming to see you. Stacy: You drove all that way just to see me? Vinny: Hey, only 4 days and, what, 18 speeding tickets. Vinny: Y'know, I used to have it all figured out. It's like women changed when I had my back turned. Matthew: Melissa, you're not leaving us, are you? Melissa, seeking escape from a challenging environment points to potentially very serious personality deficits. You really ought to consider analysis-- [with a small scream she pushes him into the swimming pool] Matthew: Bitch! Ilene: Haven't you ever had an orgasm? Melissa: Oh, yeah, sure-- No, not really. I mean, not with someone else in the room. Melissa: Uh, this is one that the kids at school told me. Why did the chicken go halfway across the street? Vinny: Why? Melissa: He wanted to lay it on the line. --You're not laughing. Vinny: Oh, not yet, not yet. Inside, it's building, it's building. About a half hour from now I'll be rolling all over the beach, I'm telling you. You won't be able to stop me. I'll be in hysterics. Melissa: You know, Matthew's a psychologist. I just love therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy. Matthew: That would be good for me. Actually, I'm here to do reseach for a book I'm writing, on the psycho-sexual tendencies of pre-menopausal females. Vinny: Yeah, me too. [After she dumps him.] Nick: Okay, that's okay. But let me tell you, you're making a big mistake. 'Cause I am going to make it. Stacy: Good. Nick: I'm going to be huge. I'm going to be bigger than huge! I'm going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone magaz-- no, forget that. I'm going to be on the cover of Time magazin-- no! Forget that... I... I... am going to have... *more fans than Elvis*! Stacy: Good. Nick: Yeah! And I won't even be dead! Think about it. [On orgasms.] Stacy: You can have one with the guy on top? Ilene: Mm-hmm. Stacy: I hate you! Stacy: [reading] "Dear Stacy, I hope you don't mind me writing to you, but the only other letter I ever wrote was to the editor of Flex magazine, and that was just to say how much I enjoyed this particular article called - " Vinny: "Hammer Those Gluts 'Til Your Butt's Like a Bowling Ball." Unknown suitor: Melissa, marry me! Melissa: Do I know you? Unknown suitor: No, but I just met your parents and they really like me.