Elvira, who is the host of a cheap horror movie program finds that she is the heir to an aunt's mansion in New England. The mansion is the h...更多>
Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies. Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence. Chastity Pariah: I don't know who you are or where you came from but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress. Elvira: Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you. Elvira: Bloody Mary. Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin? Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first. Mrs. Morissey: Oh Mister Talbot, your sister was like a mother to me. Vincent Talbot: She was a mother to me too, dear. Well, now that we've dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement, you may begin the proceedings, Mister Bigelow. Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault. Elvira: Cheap. Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day? Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me. Elvira: It's OK. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody. Elvira: Revenge is better than Christmas. Bob Redding: How's your head? Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet. Chastity Pariah: Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed? Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me. Elvira: I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search. Elvira: Grab a tool and start banging. Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads. Elvira: Yeah, I'll do it for fifty bucks. Bob Redding: No, you didn't.
Elvira: Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot they're gonna need all the luck they can get. Chastity Pariah: Boy am I a horn dog. Is this face taken? Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words. [Stops to think] Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple. [breaks down crying] Bob Redding: Well, at least you still have the ring. Elvira: Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap. Elvira: What is there to do for fun around here? Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night. Elvira: Gee, I think I can handle it. Mrs. Meeker: Ok, but I want payment up front. I know what you heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star. Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why. Elvira: Gee, I dont know, does it have anything to do with your breath? Mrs. Meeker: Leslie was the one covering people in apple butter. I was just an innocent on-licker. Chastity Pariah: He had his way with me in broad daylight. Calvin Cobb: Me? You could have worn out a mechanical bull. Bob Redding: You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah. Elvira: Oh. I thought that cleared up. Anchorwoman: Is there anything that could possibly shame you? Elvira: Yeah, [flicks anchorwoman's scarf] Elvira: wearing this out in public might do it. Manny: If you don't cough up the money the only showroom you'll be seeing will have Toyotas in it. Elvira: I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one. Cop: Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone? Elvira: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it. Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday? Elvira: I hope you changed the sheets. Elvira:
My name's Elvira but you can call me 'tonight'.
Chastity Pariah: Well, I never. Elvira: Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head. Vincent Talbot: The charge, my fellow council members, is witchcraft. Vincent Talbot: He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark. Vincent Talbot: I'll get you and your little dog, too. Chastity Pariah: Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore. Patty: Trash does not compete with class. Billy: I am so sure. They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium? He's GOT radioactive blood! Bob Redding: I run the movie house. Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"? Bob Redding: No... Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"? [Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will] Elvira: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt. Earl Hooter: Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired little lady. Elvira: Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror! Elvira: Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch? Earl Hooter: [Grabbing Elvira's breasts] It's milkin' time! Bob Redding: Patty... you're not a very nice person!