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B.B. King:
Did you know that every 7 minutes, a black person is born in this country with no soul?
Son of the Invisible Man:
Being invisible is the best.
Henny Youngman:
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish guys die before their wives? They want to.
Slappy White:
But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey. How about "ugly" and "cheap"? Harvey wrote his will on his cock, and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court.
Bernice Pitnik:
I'm glad to see Slappy White here today. Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe. And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee, or did a beaver curl up and die on your head? As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy.
Murray:
[after having been zapped into his television] Oh no! I'm in black and white!
Murray:
Where am I?
Selma:
On the Disney Channel. At least there I know you won't catch anything.
[the Penthouse Girl tells about her life]
Taryn Steele:
I have grown so much since then. I can't hardly believe it's me. I am a beach person and a night person. I'm really sorry for everybody who doesn't live in California, because we got it all, the mountains, the sun.
Steve Allen:
Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids.
Rip Taylor:
What's this, an audience or a funeral? Now, pay attention, please. But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine, and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch. I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for
Rip Taylor:
But I do feel for his widow, Bernice. That was a romantic marriage. She learned everything about sex from a manual. Immanuel was their gardener.
Rip Taylor:
I'm sorry, I better wrap it up now, folks. 'Cause you know the old axiom in show business - 'get off quick.' Like Harvey on his wedding night.
Slappy White:
But in conclusion, I'd like to say congratulations, Harvey. Rigor mortis is the closest you've ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.
Pirate 1:
Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs.
Pirate 2:
No!
Pirate 3
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:
What good are they?
Pirate 4:
Can't record on 'em.
Pirate 2:
They're not compatible with my system.
Pirate Captain:
[looking at the FBI Warning on the video] Ohhh, I'm so scared.
Apartment Victim:
[Arsenio Hall has been on the receiving end of a wrong number for the same person three times in a row, and is getting frustrated] There ain't no fuckin' Thelma here! The bitch don't LIVE here!
[pause]
Apartment Victim:
Fuck you, too, man!
Man in Pub:
[teasing the "invisible man"] Oh, my. Now, how did that happen? There must be a ghost in here.
Son of the Invisible Man:
Ever seen a shirt make a phone call? OOoohhh...
Harry Landers:
That's not a baby, that's a Mr. Potato Head!
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