advertisement Al: Look, Steve. Why don't you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, "Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won't happen again, and what's for supper?" That's what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring. Al: Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey. Al: Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to. Peggy: I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway? Peggy: Sooo... we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno. Kelly: Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are. Bud: Well, when I get my degree, from an accredited community college, I might add, I'll be the one with the Lucky Charms, my friends. And I'll be eating them out of the bra cups of my own private breakfast treat, Monique. Here's to the future. Peggy: What would you like? Al: A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef. Al: It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy. Peggy: I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band. Kelly: He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm. Jackson: What about your daddy? Kelly: Obviously, he's not here. Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies. Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth. Peggy: No TV, Al, we're talking. Al: You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV. Al: I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son? Bud: No, Dad. Al: Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask. Al: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President. Peggy: Well, who's going to go up there and tell your father that metal conducts electricity? Kelly, Bud: Not me. We could get hurt up there. Al: I'll be going. Don't bother to get the elevator, I'll just jump out the window. Al: What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again. Al: Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Bud: Luscious hooters? Al: No. That's what I should have been thinking about, but no. Al: Peg, kids, get ready to torture me - I'm home. Al: I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home. Marcy: What would it be like if men had breasts? Al: We wouldn't need women any more. Bud: Hey, they're hosting a talent show contest. Peggy: Yeah, and the first prize is 500 dollars. Bud: Why don't we enter? Al: Because we don't have any talent. Kelly: Dad, what are you talking about? Bud does a solo act every night. Of course, he hasn't gotten an award for it since the Cub Scouts. Kelly: I'm trying to teach these kids how to read. Bud: But, Kelly, you can't read. Kelly: Well you can't score, but you still have a bed. Kelly: Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive. Al: [the Bundy Creedo] Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum. Hooters hooters on a girl that's dumb. Peggy: A Bathroom is not a room. Al: YES IT IS A ROOM. It says so in the title "BATH ROOM." Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE. Al: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD. [repeated line] Al: Let's rock. Kelly: Something is rotten in the state of Denver. Kelly: I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century. Peggy: I want sex. Al: So do I, but I see no reason to drag *you* into it. Peggy: Did you miss me? Al: With every bullet, so far. Al: Bud, if you need money, you should do what a wise man once said, "Yip-ip-ip-ip-ip, mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu- Get a job." [Phone rings] Al: Hello, Peg. Peggy: How did you know it was me? Al: Because I actually heard God laugh. [Installing a satellite dish] Jefferson: Okay, I've inserted Screw S into Walsher T. Dan, hand me Screw U. Officer Dan: What did you say? Jefferson: I said Screw U. Officer Dan: [Drawing gun] Up yours! [It's Friday, but Al & Peg want to make Kelly think it's really Saturday] Peggy: C'mon, Al. Pretend it's Saturday. Al: [right hand down his pants; switches to the left one] Kelly: [comes home] Kelly: [looks at Al] Oh my god, it's Saturday? Peggy: This is George Washington, the father of our country. Kelly: I thought that was James Brown. Peggy: No, he was the Godfather of soul. Kelly: I thought that was Don Corleone. Peggy: I think we've had enough for one day. Jefferson: Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless. Al: My country would never rule against me. Bud: Dad, they ruled against you. Al: Damn George Washington. I wish he was dead. Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift? Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [Goes out to the garage, tries to start the car, then comes back inside] Al: Happy anniversary. Peggy: A can of motor oil? Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home. Peggy: Al, how come you never send me roses? Al: I don't like you, Peg. Al: Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave. Al: I will not bend, I will not break. I will not sit, I will not make. Jefferson: You're a Bundy and if you put a D where the N is, you're a buddy. Al: And if you put an N where the D is, I'm a bunny. What's your point? Steve: Al, you realize that tampering with your kids dental records is against the law. Al: So is dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife. Peggy: Hi, Al. I brought you lunch. Al: Thanks, Peg. Peg, this is just three pieces of bread. Where's the meat? Peggy: Think of it as a club sandwich; hold the club. Al: I wish I was holding a club. Oh well, it's gotta be better than yesterday's hot dog bun on rye. Jefferson: Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting. Kelly: [Playing a shoe store customer] Excuse me, Sir, do you have any purple pumps? Al: ...Certainly we have purple pimps. At Gary's Shoes, we feet your treat. Griff: Bud, did I ever tell you that I was Dorothy in my high school production of The Wiz? Bud: All male school? Griff: No. Al: Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood. Jefferson: How am I going to pay for this? Marcy: Three words. Jefferson: I love you? Marcy: Try again. Jefferson: Hop on Pop? Marcy: Get a job. [Peg and Jefferson gape in horror] Bob Rooney: I'll get leopard skin seat covers to match my underwear. Ike: I guess I won't be getting seat covers. Al: Griff, girls like that are a dime a dozen. Griff: Here's a dime, bring me a dozen. Peggy: A pox on you, Al. Al: Yeah; like I'd notice. Al: Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid. Bud: Hey, Kel. Guess what; I've got a date tonight with a foreign exchange student who's so easy she makes you look like a calculus problem. Kelly: Let me guess, Billy Ray Bundy? Bud: Damn straight, missy. Country's in. Kelly: Then what country are you? Bud: I'm going to ignore that, human peep show. Now, I've chewed my weight in Red Man. I've learned my country sayings like, "Ornery" and, "I thought you was 18". Well, as I live and barely breathe in these jeans, I'll be riding the country charts tonight. [a pregnant Peggy is sitting up in bed and wolfing down food] Peggy: Gee Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell. Al: Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you? Marcy: [imitating Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes? Bud: I can't believe we're in mourning. Kelly: Well I don't know about you, but here it's the afternoon. Operator Recording: Your selections indicate you own a burnt sienna, mid-century Dodge with over 90,000 miles on it. If this is correct, Press 1. [Al presses 1] Operator Recording: Hello, Mr. Bundy. Al: Hey, this is my house. I don't let the bank in here and they own the place. Al: What a nice little town we live in. Neighborhood's burning down, no cops. There's a robbery, no cops. I start my car, here comes the Bundy squad. Al: Have I gone yet? Bud: No. Al: Then give me a push. [Kelly and Bud shove Al] Al: Now help me up. Jefferson: Al, have you ever read the book, "The Man is Always Right"? Al: No, the wife wouldn't let me. Jefferson: What will you tell Peg? Al: Same thing I always tell her: [Checks to make sure Peg is not around] Al: That what I do is none of her damn business. Al: [When paying the bills] Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha/Living in the gutter, cha cha cha/Early grave, cha cha cha/All right now, everybody - shoot me. Al: I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back. / I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. / I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch. / I've seen her on her stupid couch. / I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. / I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife. Bud: Dad, you want me to take the bag to the car? Al: No, she can walk. [In Al's fantasy] Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Al: Do I look that stupid to you? Al: Peg, "To Serve Man"... It's a cook book. Al: I'm going to take my tools, which I paid for, and celebrate in the garage which I'm still paying for. Jefferson: My uterus hurts. Kelly: We wouldn't be having this problem if we had used a see-saw. Bud: We wouldn't be having this problem if Dad had used a condom. Al: Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials. Bud: Dad, you can't put a dog outside in the middle of winter. It's inhumane. Al: No Bud, inhumane would be to force him to work at a shoe store for minimum wage and then have him come home to a red-headed Shih Tzu. Jefferson: We were being so nostalgic that I... bought a '65 Mustang. Marcy: You bought a '65 Mustang? When are you going to get a job to drive it to? Jefferson: I look in the papers, it's just that by the time I get up all the good jobs are taken. Al: Oh oh oh, no. That's why we have cable, Peg. You can see the best and never leave your house... [switches on the TV] Al: watch. TV Announcer: Tonight: Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball. Then John Goodman is King Ralph. But first, Wings. Al: I'll drive. Al: Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil? Bud: [on phone] Hi, Mom. Jefferson: OK, Al. I'm here. [sniffing the air] Jefferson: Hey, hey. Do I smell... food? Al: [walking over to him] Jefferson, my man, I've got more food stuck in my teeth than my colon's seen in many a year. Jefferson: Thanks for sharing that, Al. Al: Oh, I'm not sharing it. [Al's attention is directed towards the T.V] Kelly: Daddy, do you notice anything different about me? Al: No, son. Kelly: Daddy, it's Kelly. Al: Well, tell her to come in. [Al answers the door after Marcy furiously knocks] Al: Hey, Marcy, I thought I heard some pecking. Marcy: Outta my way, Swamp Gas. Al: That's *Mr.* Swamp Gas to you. Al: Now, son, you've got two choices: you can get out, or, you can get the hell out. Bud: Curse you. I curse you to your worst nightmare, an eternity of being together... and you can't leave the bedroom... and Grandma's there... and she's out of Depends. Kelly: Bud. Bud: What? Kelly: Mom and Dad just left us alone. Alone, with no parental supervision. [Bud thinks about this for a second] Bud: And stay out. Yes, finally alone. Free, free to run amuck. [Bud rubs his hands] Bud: Oh the hooters I'll be a-juggling. Kelly: Yeah well, don't hurt your hand on the staples. Kelly: At the beginning of the last meeting I suggested we have no more meetings. It was seconded by Bud, my brother, and Dad, my daddy. We stared dully at Mom and then were forced into a chorus of "We Love The Baby." Then Mom left to pee, and Dad suggested that we play a lethal round of "How Fat Is She?" [Al lifts his head, worried, and Peg glares at him] Kelly: Dad guessed 415lbs. We all laughed, and Dad said "Don't write this down, Pumpkin." That concludes my report. Bud: Dad said no candles this year, because of last year's little mishap. Kelly: Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported. You know, from Romany. Al: Peg. Sell the house. Peggy: Why, Al? Did you see a shirt somewhere you like? Al: Yes. It said, "Congratulate Me, Wife's Dead". Al: [ironically] Oh no, that's my pleasure Peg, even though my rates will skyrocket [to Kelly] Al: because you're underage and I'm paying a special rate for [glances at Peg] Al: the bumper-car queen over here... Kelly: [smiling emotionally] Well, I know why you don't want me to drive and it's not the insurance. Your little girl is growing up and you can't bear to let her go, huh? [Kelly wraps her arms around Al] Al: No, it's the insurance. Peggy: [writing] Saturday, eleven p.m.: make love. 11:05: Al goes to sleep. 11:06: Finish making love. Peggy: Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels. Al: Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the dark. Peggy: Uh, like during sex? Al: No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step. Man: My wife and I put a penny in it every time we make love. [smiles] Man: We're like rabbits. Al: Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off. Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: This is the bravest thing this reporter has seen since Bill said, "Hillary, I beg to differ". Al: Make way. Voters coming through. Family, breathe the democracy. [they all take a deep breath and sigh, satisfied] Al: This is where it all happens. Yes, in a dry cleaner like this they elected Washington and Lincoln. And [turns around at a round table where this volunteer sits] Al: , they signed the Declaration of Independence. And from the looks of her, she was probably there to see it. Peg, get a picture of me and Betsy Ross here. Al: Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me. Peggy: Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either. Jefferson: So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes? Al: Right here. Marcy: Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife. Al: No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like. Marcy: You dispensed job information? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number? Jefferson: I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, isn't it? Al: We're going for a drive. Kelly: In the Dodge? Aaaaahh. Al: Just for that, you ride in the back with your mother. Peggy: If you men only knew what we do to keep a marriage alive. Watching Oprah all day so that we have something interesting to talk to you about. Dressing like this [gestures at herself] Peggy: to keep you excited. Taking beauty naps to reverse the aging process. And spending all your money so you feel like a good provider. That is how I sacrifice for you, Al Bundy. It is a thankless, exhausting job but I do it. And the only thing I ask in return is that you bring Dad back here. And you fail. You know what this means. [She grabs him by the arm and leads him upstairs] Al: [panicked] Oh no Peg, Peg no sex now, Peg. Please, I just need a little more time. I'll find him. Peggy: I want you to help me give Mom a sits-bath. [Al's eyes widen in horror] Al: Can't we have sex instead? Al: [referring to Peg's mother] Peg, me and the floorboards can't take your mother any more. Kelly: [Kelly is giving Al relationship advice] Daddy, if you want Mom to give up the self defense class, you need to take her out. Al: Don't you think I would have tried that a long time ago if I thought I could get away with it? Kelly: No, I mean on a date. Try something nice; romantic movies always work for me. Bud: A Happy Meal and a 'Hello Kitty' pencil always works for you. Peggy: [Peg has gone to the restroom at a sleazy bar] Al; why does it say on the wall 'For a good time' call our house? Al: I don't know, Peg. I've never had a good time there. Steve: I'm sorry. Al: Yeah, that and a dime will get you a cup of coffee. Steve: Where? Al: Shut up. Al: I'm talking 'bout a break room, Peg. At work. With massage tables and a fridge full of beer. As long as Bud keeps Gary happy, I'm happy. And as long as I'm happy... I'm happy. Peggy: Yeah, well, what about me? Al: Don't be selfish, Peg. Al: And love and marriage go together like... Peg, what do love and marriage go together like? Peggy: How the hell should I know? Kelly: Hey, Daddy? You, ah, you might not remember this, [sits on the chair] Kelly: but before your accident, you promised me a new car. Al: Pumpkin, you may not remember this, but MOMMY is the vegetable in the family. Kelly: Oh. Oh, right. DUH. Al: Well, the other one. Al: My living room is full of women, men, and your cousin. Peggy: Daddy's our secret weapon. Kelly: Yeah, if he leaves the bathroom door open. Al: Marcy, see, it's a man's thing. Unlike you leg-shavers, we men... we men like our things broken in. You know, old things. Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans, a 30-year-old toothbrush with chunkets of Reggie bar in it... [Marcy makes a disgusted face. Bud puts his burger away and looks like he's about to heave] Marcy: Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk around. Marcy: Now where could we find a man? Al, have you seen a man? Al: No, but I see a woman who could make one sterile. Al: Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing. Kelly: [Trying to read] Bud, what is this word? Bud: 'A.' Kelly: Oh cool, just like the letter. Bud: I was caught having sex in the college library. Al: All right. That's my boy. [Starts shaking Bud's hand] Al: Who's the lucky girl? Bud: You're shaking her. TV: This is Senator Bob Packwood, live from the Big 'Uns Olympics. The officials are on the field measuring... it's a new world record. 72.5 inches, she's won the gold. Peggy: Al, I am trying to save my parents' marriage. This is not about you or your stupid money. I gotta go. [Drives off in a limousine] Al: [Hangs up] That was Mom, and she left us. Bud: Mom is gone? Al: Yeah. Bud: Was it something I did? Al: I don't know. Maybe. Al: [to Bud, about him solving a problem] You better! If not, I'm taking you out of the will! Wait a minute, that's no punishment... I'm putting you *in* the will! Bud: I want to be sincere with you and tell you how much this calendar means to me. Um, Crystal, I don't talk about my brother much. But, well, Judd and I... We were born Siamese twins. We shared everything, we had to. And then came that awful day when we had to go our separate ways. I went to school and Judd went into a Mason jar. We don't expect him to live very long, I mean he's not much more than an eye, a foot and some hair. But you see I made him this solemn promise that I would make him a calendar of the best damn good looking girls at Trumaine. So Crystal, if you can't do this for me, do it for that little lost boy in the Mason jar. What do you say? [Crystal glares at him] Bud: O.K. Bud: Parents love their children no matter what they do. Al: Damn you, Kelly. You ate my last Hershey's Kiss. You're in the will. Kelly: NO, DAD. NO. Peggy: I don't know what you're so upset about. They still call Carroll O'Connor "Archie". They still call that Winkie guy "The Fonz". They still call the fat girls on The Facts of Life "The Fat Girls on The Facts of Life". [a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store] Woman: I need shoes. Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner. Marcy: Here's something you might all enjoy: a fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl who lives in the rainforest and dreams of having a bicycle. Al: Any hooters? Marcy: It is a Fran鏾is LuMach film. He explores the mind. Al: Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of "They Exploded Out of Their Bras". Jefferson: Marcy, you might like that one. It's a film about women. Peggy: I want to see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt. Marcy: I want sensitivity. Jefferson: I want killings. Al: I want boobies. [They all start arguing] Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. [Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop] Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin. Kelly: You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy! Bud: Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for soup. Al: Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go! Bud: Kelly, go get changed into your sleaziest dress. Kelly: Which one? Al: What's for supper? Peggy: Filthy pig! Al: We had that last night. Bud: Mom, I've had a lousy day, I could really use some Motherly advice. Peggy: Shut up Bud! Oprah's doing a show about Mothers who don't pay attention to their sons. Neighbor: Hey Bundy. I had steak for dinner tonight, what did you have? Al: If I'm lucky your wife. [Al is getting readly to fix the roof] Al: OK, whose going up with me besides Bud? Bud: Dad, anyone who would go up on that roof with you during a lighting storm would have to be a complete idiot. Kelly: Oh, No! I'm not going up there either. Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work. Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom. Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work. Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise. Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something. Marcy: Does anyone have any gestures they'd like to have known? Anything at all? [Al gives Marcy the finger] Marcy: I don't think that particular gesture is necessary. Al. [Al is channel surfing] Al: Ah, "Friends". Don't have 'em, don't need 'em, sure as hell don't wanna watch 'em. [changes the channel] Al: To put it in the words of your people, Marcy; cluck no! Bud: Where's Dad? Peggy: In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet. [Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] Peggy: How was it, honey? Al: I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad? Peggy: Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken? Al: No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. [turns on TV] TV Announcer: And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup: "Roseanne" and the Emmy winning "Thirtysomething". [Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom] [Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session] Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start. Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny. Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him! [holds up two fingers] Al: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up? [pokes Jefferson in the eyes] Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time. Kelly: [singing] Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall... eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall. Al: I thought I just saw Yosemite Sam leaving our house. Peggy: No, that was Billy Ray Bundy. Al: Ah, school must be starting soon. Peggy: [Al has gone outside to fix the roof] Kids! Hurry, come quick! Bud: What is it, Mom? Creditors? Should I boil some water? Peggy: No, kids. You know how you are always complaining that your father never does anything with the family? Well, just watch that window and your father has a big surprise for us. Peggy: Right about now; three, two, one [Al screams and falls past the window, family laughs and claps] Peggy: Okay, back to bed, kids. Kelly: That was really great. You know, I'm so happy that I'm going to give Daddy his wallet back. Bud: But, we're going to keep the money, right? Kelly: Well, we didn't see him hit the ground. Kelly: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bud. I bet there are plenty of cool guys who sit home on Friday night watching 'Star Trek' reruns hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage. Bud: Let the record show that I was licking the screen in an attempt to clean it. Peggy: Now kids; you know that Daddy has worked hard on his new room and we don't want to hurt his feelings, so, nobody laugh until I do first! Al: Kelly, I know you're grown up, even though you still live at home and occasionally pick up the phone when you hear the doorbell. But, sweetheart, look, why do you think I carry your baby picture in my wallet. Kelly: That's not me, Dad. Bud: That's the picture that came with the wallet. Al: Hey, when I bought this wallet, I had a choice - a little boy or a little girl. I picked the little girl. She's symbolic. Kelly: She's Chinese, Dad! Al: That's what I was hoping you would be! Kelly: Oh, Daddy... I'm sorry I'm not Chinese. Al: Oh, sweetheart, that all right, now. Kelly: Does your date mean more to you than my happiness? Bud: A milkshake means more to me than your happiness. Al: [one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag"] And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school. Bud: [flicking Kelly in the side of her head] Mosquito. Kelly: [punching Bud in his stomach] Tapeworm. Reporter: Scientist are still sifting through the nuclear hole that used to be the Republic of France. Al: I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance. Peggy: Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up. Al: Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me. Al: Choco cake! Choco cake! Eat so much you get a tummy ache! Bud: Hi, Kel. How'd your audition go? Kelly: I'm so mad. Before I even got there to audition, they gave the role to another girl. Bud: Oh, yeah, who? Kelly: Meryl Streep. I mean what's she got that I don't have. Bud: You mean besides the Oscar nominations, the Emmy, the Yale Drama School education and your job? Kelly: Yeah. Bud: Think carefully, Kel. It starts with "T". Kelly: Shuh, I have those! Bud: I'm talking about talent, Gump. Lucky: [after Buck gets reincarnated] Those voices sound familiar. Let's see if I can focus these new puppy dog eyes. [sees the Bundys] Lucky: Noooooooo! Al: [Al is explaining the auto insurance policy to Kelly] ?and because you have to always be on official farm business, [pulls out a live chicken] Al: this must always be in your car; hence the South Forty motto "No Chicken, No Check". Bud: [comes through the front door] Hey, Kel [looks at Al] Bud: South Forty Insurance, Dad? Al: It's a damn fine company, "The Farmer's Best Friend" next to a sheep and a tall wheat field. Al: [Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken] Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting. Marcy: [walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets? Al: [to Jefferson] I thought that was your job. Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night. Kelly: [trying out the new microwave] Mom! This is the third time I've pressed the popcorn button and nothing has come out. Peggy: Well, honey, try the dinner plate. Maybe that will work. Bud: Uh, 'Betty and Moronica'. You have to put food in the microwave to get food out. Peggy: What good is that? Al: Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league. Al: [doorbell rings] Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It Could Be Worse' Tour. [the "Psycho Dad" theme] TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad! Al: This is why we must give to PBS. Kelly: Daddy? Al: What is it, pumpkin? Kelly: Yeah, I just got a call from the doctor. I'm dying. I have Bolivia. The doctor says it's terminus. Al: How long do you have, pumpkin? Kelly: Until Christmas day, and the only known cure is a good present. One from the $225-$275 price range Al: [entering the house] Hello Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley... Various characters: [repeated line said to Al] You stink! Kelly: You can stay in Bud's room. Have you ever seen a rubber woman? Bud: Isis is not rubber. She's breathable latex. And she breaks, just like a little girl. Al: Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundys kick ass... the nudie bar.