Pop: There are a few, a very few men. Remo. Mack Bolan. Jake Speed. In this case, I think Jake Speed's the man for the job.
: They defeat evil where it exists, pinhead! Wendy: Maybe it's a blessing. At least your grandfather believes in somebody. Speedy Jake. Remero. Whatever. Who are our heroes? Margaret Winston: Nobody. Desmond Floyd: Why doesn't she believe in us? We believe. That's why we win. Newsstand Attendant: [while helping customers] Sure he's real. Everybody knows that. In fact, I play cards with him every Thursday night. Me, Jake Speed, Batman -- thanks -- oh, Sherlock Holmes and, once in a while, Superman stops in. Jake Speed: If all this were about money, I'd be working for the wrong side most of the time. Jake Speed: I'm the last of the original nice guys! Margaret Winston: I didn't know you had that! Jake Speed: That's why they call it a concealed weapon. Margaret Winston: So, where did you and Des meet? Jake Speed: Volume One. Jake Speed: Sometimes you do things the hard way. Margaret Winston: Why? Jake Speed: Reads better. Margaret Winston: Who is Reno Mellon? Jake Speed: We made it up! Desmond Floyd: It's Jake's favorite town and my favorite breakfast food. Margaret Winston: What if you sold me to the wrong Gus? Jake Speed: That would make a piss-poor story, wouldn't it? Jake Speed: Oh yeah, we go way back. Back to Volume Two. Jake Speed: Come on, we need a big finish! Margaret Winston: If you're such a big deal, why haven't they ever made a movie? Jake Speed: Ever try to deal with those people? Jake Speed: Heroes don't die. Sid: Being the good guy's so predictable. You do everything right! Sid: I'm the bad guy, Jake. I do anything I want. Sid: I take great pride into 'aving never lived up to anything! Maurice: This'll rot your caviar! Sid: You're a Boy Scout, Jake! Jake Speed: REFRESHING! Isn't it? Jake Speed: Evil may triumph, Sid, but it'll never conquer. Jake Speed:
If you want something bad enough, you get it!
Jake Speed: We were gonna fight our way through enemy territory. Scale the highest mountain in this goddamned place. Traverse a bridge that was about to collapse. And then if we were lucky, I mean really lucky, we were gonna fight our way through two thousand extremely poisonous snakes. Margaret Winston: There are thousands of snakes around here? Jake Speed: There's gotta be if you look hard enough! Margaret Winston: Has it ever occurred to you that there might be an easier way? Jake Speed: Yeah, so where's the entertainment value in that? Jake Speed: Why do you think bad things happen? So you have something good to look forward to! If everything was same-o, same-o, you'd die of boredom! Jake Speed: Don't worry. When you're right, nothing can happen to you. Wendy: Isn't that the guy your grandfather was talking about, the guy from the comic books? Desmond Floyd: Paperback novels! Wendy: Even weirdos can read! Sid: Make sure Ali Baba gets his babes. I've got a reputation to protect.