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John Benfield
演员
饰Secret Servic...
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Peter Cook
演员
饰Sir Mortimer ...
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Herbert Lom
演员
饰Gen. Mosquera
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Daniel Benzali
演员
饰William Kuber...
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Murray Hamilton
演员
饰Jack 'Kill th...
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Sir Mortimer Chris:
You think that nuclear war is unthinkable, because once it starts, no-one can win. Well, you're wrong!
Sir Mortimer Chris:
Now, to another matter; the record levels of unemployment. Many say that unemployment is the result of government mismanging and underspending. Nothing can be further from the truth. We all know the real cause of unemployment, don't we gentlemen? Unemployment, in this country, is caused by pixies.
[after the SAS shoot-out at the wax museum]
Specialist Catering Commander:
You fucking bunch of dickheads. You mean to say we lost eleven men fighting a group of waxworks?
Specialist Catering Commander:
Duncan! Post the heads to their widows. And get the addresses right this time.
Sir Mortimer Chris:
Santa Maya must be liberated by any means necessary. Even diplomacy if it should come to it.
President Barbara Adams:
How's life?
Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston:
Still serving it.
Duncan:
[collecting the heads of slaughtered SAS people] Hey, Denzel's had his haircut.
Specialist Catering Commander:
Oh, yeah.
Sir Mortimer Chris:
You see, we of the Conservative government think that it's appalling to spend billions on nuclear weapons if they're not going to be used.
Lacrobat:
Whistling condoms. They come in seven tunes, and so can you.
Sir Mortimer Chris:
You can't show you're resolute without showing you are strong. And you can't show you're strong without blowing people up.
[repeated line]
Specialist Catering Commander:
All right, my lads!
Donald:
Can we bring the tiger, sir?
Specialist Catering Commander:
No, we can't bring the fucking tiger! It's more trouble than it's worth!
[headbutts him]
Specialist Catering Commander:
Desmond! Put your fucking tiara on straight!
Specialist Catering Commander:
Remember, use subtlety and discretion wherever possible!
Sir Mortimer Chris:
As I was personally indisposed at the hospital, the safety of the princess was in fact in the hands of my two cabinet men, Mr. Lipman and Mr. Kubert. They are both honourable men, and in the past twenty four hours each have handed in a written request to be publically crucified. And regrettably, I had to grant this request.
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Secret Service agent
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f79
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:
Let's pray he doesn't do anything rash.
President Barbara Adams:
He just held a public crucifixion in Wembley Stadium!
Secret Service agent:
Well, he's certainly moved to the right politically.
President Barbara Adams:
We still give Sir Mortimer Chris our complete support. When he talks of pixies he is clearly using the term metaphorically for problems in British Industry.
White House reporter:
How then do you explain the establishment of the anti-goblin program with plans to lure them out with ginger bread traps?
[pause]
President Barbara Adams:
No more questions, gentlemen.
Rambogram:
[sings] I have for you a message from Mr. Lacrobat / He's got an ultamantium just to show you where it's at / If the troops don't leave Santa Maya in eighty four hours flat / Princess Wendy will be killed./ Princess Wendy will be killed, yeah / Her royal blood it will be spilled, yeah / Her head with lead will be filled, yeah / If the Brits don't haul their ass!
Alexei Sayle:
Guests are reminded that limbo dancing under the road works is strictly forbidden.
Alexei Sayle:
This evening's weeny roast and barbecue has been cancelled due to an avalanche.
[Chris has unveiled the nuclear defenses]
Sir Mortimer Chris:
Brilliant. And they only cost a pound.
Cabinet Minister:
But surely... it's just an umbrella?
[cut to minister being crucified]
Gen. Mosquera:
Citizens of Santa Maya. You are free from the British imperialists, and are once again citizens of Maguadora.
[the crowd jeer. The guards cock their guns, and the crowd cheer]
Lacrobat:
Ah, an excellent choice, sir. The blow-up sheep.
Maxton S. Pluck:
Blow up what?
Lacrobat:
It's one of our line of blow ups. Designed especially for the farming community. And if you want to hear it climax...
[he pulls a string]
Maxton S. Pluck:
Dear God! Who the hell are you?
Lacrobat:
February, sir. Roderick Jesus February.
Window cleaner:
Jesus Christ!
Lacrobat:
Naw man. Nitz. Conway Nitz the third.
Gen. Mosquera:
So you think you can secure for us the services of this man Lacrobat, Mister...?
Lacrobat:
Nebucanezzar. Harrison Hindenburg Nebuxanezzar. Personal management of the world's leading international terrorists.
Lacrobat:
Penis is the name. Doctor Thesius Lyndon Penis. I accept all major credit cards.
Nigel Lipman:
When exactly did you form this theory prime minister?
Sir Mortimer Chris:
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To be quite honest Nigel; the pieces only started to fit together last week. I was visiting a factory in Stockport. Literally hundreds had lost their jobs, and no wonder, the place was crawling with them.
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Nigel Lipman:
With pixies?
Sir Mortimer Chris:
Yes; sprouts, eleven folk. Which is why I am beginning this campaign.
Nigel Lipman:
I see.
[pause]
Nigel Lipman:
What campaign?
Sir Mortimer Chris:
The stamp out evil pixies campaign! The public have to be educated on this one Nigel.
[cut to him being interviewed]
Sir Mortimer Chris:
They're about two foot tall, and the worst ones
[he holds up an empty jar]
Sir Mortimer Chris:
are the invisible ones!
Nigel Lipman:
He's brainwashed the entire country! He's gone stark, staring, raving...
[Chris enters]
Sir Mortimer Chris:
Morning.
Nigel Lipman:
Morning, Prime Minister.
Sir Mortimer Chris:
Sorry I'm late, there was a nest of leprechauns in the bread bin.
President Barbara Adams:
But where is the sanity in bombing millions of innocent people?
Sir Mortimer Chris:
It shut Japan up, didn't it?
Dan Hickey:
Shrewed, honest, intelligent, moral; Adams overcame all these faults to become president of the united states.
Dan Hickey:
Lacrobat is the world's most wanted terrorist; he is charged with over forty acts of terrorism including three assasinations and the receipe for airline food.
Sir Mortimer Chris:
Having established the root cause of unemployment, we now need to come up with a job creation program. I have devised an idea that will create millions of new jobs within the first year of operation. Every week, five hundred working people jump off a cliff, thus creating five hundred new jobs.
Sir Mortimer Chris:
It's a little severe, but it's always the worst tasting medicine that does the most good.
[final line]
RAdm. Bendish:
Fire!
Gen. Mosquera:
We need Lacrobat in order to help us regain control of Santa Maya.
Lacrobat:
I see... such a task won't come cheap.
Gen. Mosquera:
We are prepared to sell our grandmothers to pay for it.
[cut to a vendor selling grandmothers]
Lacrobat:
Gentlemen, I think we have a deal.
Gen. Mosquera:
With this Lacrobat, Santa Maya will be mine!
RAdm. Bendish:
It has nothing to do with the fact one of my officers has been accidentally and brutally castrated by a member of the royal family, gentlemen. Nor the fact that a pair of used teabags were accidentally sewn onto his groin, and the fact not discovered until some misfortunate officer emptied the teapot. No, the kicker is that I found you two in the radio room sending this message
[quotes from a newspaper]
RAdm. Bendish:
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Holy chopped meat! princess Wendy went witling with a razor yesterday and had a ball. Yes sirree another young soldier waved goodbye to his loved ones as her royal highness went crazy with a cutthroat during a routine pr-op shave on British flagship HMS Lion."
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