Kate:
How many times have I told you not to leave your things around the house?
Eugene:
A hundred and nine.
Kate:
What would you tell your father if he came home and I was dead on the kitchen floor?
Eugene:
"Don't go in the kitchen, Pa"?
Stanley:
I got fired today!
Eugene:
Fired? You mean for good?
Stanley:
You don't get fired temporarily. It's a permanent lifetime firing.
Stanley:
How horny can you get?
Eugene:
I don't know. What's the highest score?
Kate:
I need bread.
Eugene:
What?
Kate:
I don't have enough bread. Run over to Greenblatt's and get me a fresh rye bread.
Eugene:
Again? I just came back from Grennblatt's.
Kate:
So You'll go again.
Eugene:
I'm always going to the store. When I grow up, that's all I'll be trained to do, go to the store.
Kate:
You don't want to go?... Never mind, I'll go.
Eugene:
Don't do that! Don't make me feel guilty. I'll go.
Kate:
And get a quarter of a pound of butter.
Eugene:
I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a half pound at a time?
Kate:
And suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?
Eugene:
If my mom taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country.
[Eugene is explaining his intense desire to play for the Yankees]
Eugene:
I'll never make it with the Yankees. All the great Yankees are Italian. My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup - what chance do I have?
Eugene:
It was a tense moment for everybody. I love tense moments. Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about.
Eugene:
She saw me on the crapper! Nora saw me on the crapper! I might as well be dead!
[Eugene has just seen his first picture of a nude woman]
Eugene:
I have seen the Golden Palace Of The Himalayas. Puberty is OVER! Onward and upward!
Kate:
Did you hear what I said?
Eugene:
Yes, I heard! If I cut my ears off I'd still be able to hear her through my nose!
Eugene:
Liver and cabbage - the Jewish mediaeval torture! My friend Marty Gregori, an A student in Science, told me that cooked cabbage can be smelled farther than sound travelling for seven minutes.
Eugene:
[the saga of the liver and cabbage continues] The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife... which is more than I can say for the liver.
Eugene:
I wanted to cut my wrists but the liver had worn down the knives.
Eugene:
[after spitting out the liver] I think I have a bone in my throat.
Kate:
There are no bones in liver!
Eugene:
What if they took a shower together - Aunt Blanche and Nora? If I could walk in and see that I'd thank God and become a rabbi.
Stanley:
They're gonna' lock you up in a sex asylum.
[Eugene is spying on a neighbor woman undressing when his cousin Laurie knocks on the door]
Laurie:
Eugene, your father wants you to go to the store to get ice cream.
Eugene:
Tell him I'm busy... ice cream? Wait a minute, I'll be right there.
Eugene:
Stanley, how do girls...do it?
Stanley:
Eugene, I'm dealing with a major crises in my life right now. I don't have time to describe girls masturbating for you!