advertisement [repeated line] Sledge Hammer: Trust me - I know what I'm doing! Dori: Captain!... Trust me!... I didn't know what I was doing! Sledge Hammer: That's what I like about you Doreau, you think like a man. Suzi Swallow: Inspector Hammer, do you have a prediction? Sledge Hammer: Yes. The first brain-transplant will be performed & YOU will be the reciprient. Sledge Hammer: When am I on? Dori: You follow a guy from Dallas & precede a guy from Miami. Sledge Hammer: Between Dallas & Miami... what a terrible place to be! [in reference to the show's no-win timeslot opposite both 'Dallas' & 'Miami Vice'] Captain Trunk: [to terrorist] Alright! Your show's been cancelled! Sledge Hammer: You talking to me? Sledge Hammer: Captain, I've been thinking about how you keep getting those headaches & I have a solution [whips out GIANT needles] Sledge Hammer: Acupuncture! [Trunk is backing away] Sledge Hammer: No, really, I'm good. Come on. I can do this. Sledge Hammer: [Talks to gun] I don't know about you, but I'm stuffed. What do you say we take a look at those videos I rented? [Puts gun back in holster and goes to the living room to check out the video tapes] Sledge Hammer: 'On Golden Gun,' 'Peggy Sue Got Murdered,' 'The Way We Wounded... ' 'Home Video Target Range,' what'll they think of next? [Inserts 'Home Video Target Range' video into VCR and turns on TV] Video Narrator: Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. [Hammer shoots TV] Sledge Hammer: [Talking to gun] Remind me not to rent that one again. It's too expensive. Dori: Oh, Sledge, you don't honestly believe the networks are trying to turn people into mindless automotons, do you? Sledge Hammer: Haven't you ever seen Matlock? Dori: Sorry to interrupt you, Captain. Sledge Hammer: Just wanted to cheer you up. Captain Trunk: That's impossible. This is the worst day of my life. Sledge Hammer: Now you see right there, you're wrong. You've said many times that the worst day of your life was the day I joined the force. [Trunk looks at Hammer] Sledge Hammer: Now you feel better? Captain Trunk: Yes. Sledge Hammer: All cops face violence. The ones who can't deal with it crack. The ones who do, teach. Dori: Well, it looks like justice was done. Sledge Hammer: It sure was. Those were the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. Captain Trunk: Hammer, what happened? Didn't they try to brainwash you? Sledge Hammer: That's right, captain, they did. They tried to play on my subconscious. But they forgot one important thing. Captain Trunk: What's that? Sledge Hammer: I don't have a subconscious. Captain Trunk: Hammer, I'm amazed that you were able to hold out against their brainwashing. Sledge Hammer: Well, it was easy, sir. I simply thought about one thing. Captain Trunk: What was that? Sledge Hammer: Well, who's always close to my side? Someone I'm afraid I've been neglecting lately. Someone for whom I've never been able to express my true feelings. [Dori blushes and smiles as Hammer looks at her] Sledge Hammer: Someone who's beautiful. Sleek. Attractive. I think it's obvious who I'm talking about, sir. Dori: Oh, Sledge, stop! Sledge Hammer: [Pulls out gun] My gun. Captain Trunk: Hammer, you are a truly sensitive guy. Sledge Hammer: I never thought you'd know that. Sledge Hammer: Every breath you take, every move you make... I'll be watching you. That's police talk. [after being suspended from duty, Hammer saves the day by defusing a bomb. Captain Trunk reluctantly welcomes him back to the force] Captain Trunk: I hate to say it, but it's good to have you on the force. [they shake hands] Sledge Hammer: Thank you, Captain. Captain Trunk: And if there's ever anything I can do for you, please tell me. Sledge Hammer: Oh, no. [pause] Sledge Hammer: Well, there is one... no, it's... well, I mean, I've always wanted to do it, but it takes two people. Captain Trunk: This does not involve a gun, does it? Sledge Hammer: [laughing] No, no! [Cut to Later: Hammer raises a kiddie's bow-and-arrow set, while Captain Trunk places an apple on his head] Sledge Hammer: Any calls? Dori: Three. Two wrong numbers and an offer to cater a Bar Mitzvah. I told them 'no,' 'no,' and 'maybe.' Sledge Hammer: [Notices that Doreau is sporting a Veronica Lake hairstyle] New hairdo? Dori: Yes. This is what happens when I can't afford my regular hairdresser. Sledge Hammer: Just remember, if you don't look good, we don't look good. Nice outfit; now that the first time you look like a real... girl. Dori: Yeah, if I don't get my hair fixed, I'll need a guide dog. [Blows her hair off her face] Sledge Hammer: Now you've gone and done it. You just broke a family heirloom. That lamp had great sentimental value. It accidentally electrocuted my grandfather. Captain Trunk: Hammer, I got a problem. Do you know a reporter named Phil Gum from Action News? Sledge Hammer: I don't watch the news. I make it. Captain Trunk: He wants to ride along with one of us... for one day. Sledge Hammer: So what's the problem? Captain Trunk: He chose you! Sledge Hammer: Why me? Captain Trunk: Because, Hammer, on paper, you have a perfect arrest record. You have put over a thousand men behind bars. God knows if any of them are guilty of anything! Sledge Hammer: They look guilty to me. Captain Trunk: Hammer, you don't seem to understand the point of my dilemma. I've been fighting with city hall for over two months now. They're talking about making cutbacks! The mayor is threatening this entire department! Do you understand what I'm saying? Sledge Hammer: You want me to kill the mayor? Captain Trunk: No! I'm saying this report will help us or hurt us. It could be good PR or bad PR. I'm ordering you to act responsibly! Sledge Hammer: Don't worry captain. Me and my one-man band will give them a little wholesome family entertainment! Captain Trunk: Hammer, put that gun away. Captain Trunk: NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Robin Leach: Good evening, I'm Robin Leach. The producers of Sledge Hammer! have asked me to explain tonight's episode. Let me be frank - it is an attempt to boost ratings. There are many ways to do this: better scripts, more warmth and big-name guest stars. But, we're desperate. So on tonight's episode, we're gonna to rely on four sure-fire ratings grabbers: sex, violence, rock music, and, best of all, a cliffhanger ending that will keep our viewers glued to the edge of their seats until next season. Thus, ensuring there will be a next season. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. Thug: Drop your gun and kick it over here. [Sledge puts the gun down] Thug: I said kick it over here. Sledge Hammer: Forget it, Slimeball. I never kick a friend when he's down. Dori: I had a pervert call me once. Sledge Hammer: Oh, how'd you get him to stop? Change your number? Dori: No, I stopped dating him. Captain Trunk: Fifteen Elvis Presley impersonators killed in the last three weeks. Dori: What on Earth could be the killer's motive to murder 15 Elvis impersonators? Sledge Hammer: Obviously to get into the Guinness Book. Sledge Hammer: You know, of all my years of being a cop, I will never figure out how people time and time again can do something like this. Dori: It's true. Taking out a human life is just deplorable. Sledge Hammer: Not that. The drawings of chalk outlines of dead bodies, that's just a ridiculous way of living! Sledge Hammer: Doreau, that was excessively violent and completely unnecessary. I loved it. Sledge Hammer: You hear that? I'm off suspension. Looks like they can't keep a good man down. Or me, either. Mayor Jack Flambo: That man makes Rambo look like Pee-Wee Herman. Officers: [watching Hammer defuse a bomb] Go, Sledge Go! Go, Sledge Go! Captain Trunk: Go, Bomb Go! Go, Bomb Go! Reporter: We're here at the scene of a liquor store robbery that was thwarted by the man beside me, Inspector Sledge Hammer. Inspector Hammer, tell us what happened. Sledge Hammer: Well, Miss, I was in this store when two thugs entered and threatened the owner with shotguns. At that time, I drew my Magnum and killed them both. Then I bought some eggs, and some milk, and some of those little cocktail weinies. Reporter: Inspector Hammer, was what you did in that store absolutely necessary? Sledge Hammer: Oh, yes, I had no groceries at all. Captain Trunk: You couldn't resist it, could you, Hammer? You just couldn't resist blowing up a building on your way to work this morning, could you Hammer? Sledge Hammer: Look. The only way to fight criminals is to be, you know, wilder than they are! [makes whistling missile and explosion noise] Sledge Hammer: You know what I'm going to do to you? I'm going to stick your head in that microwave and set it on "sandwich." Dori: Hammer, you can't do that! Sledge Hammer: What? There's no setting for sandwich? Sledge Hammer: You've never played target practice? Soviet Scientist: In Russia, we practice by shooting dissidents. Sledge Hammer: Here we call them liberals. Dori: I've got an idea. Sledge Hammer: Now you're thinking like a man! Cliff: *You're* with the police department? Sledge Hammer: No no no. No, I *am* the police department. Sledge Hammer: [Hammer answers phone at bank robbery standoff] Second National Bank; hostage speaking. Captain Trunk: Hammer, this is Trunk. Have they hurt anyone? Sledge Hammer: No. Captain Trunk: Have *you* hurt anyone? Sledge Hammer: Not yet. Captain Trunk: Hammer, you're the only man I know who can't even *win* gracefully. Sledge Hammer: [to reporter] I would like to address that particular stereotype if I may. Now, your stereotypical donut is nothing but dough and sugar fried in fat, am I right? Now that fat gums up your arteries and goes to your brain, and you turn liberal. And the next thing you know, Barry Manilow is on the turn-table and you're not going to work and you're voting for gun control. You see what I'm saying? You see the connection? That's why I eat granola. Captain Trunk: [Trunk watches Hammer attach something to the barrel of his gun] Is that a silencer? Sledge Hammer: No, it's not a silencer. This little doodad is my own invention. I call it a loudener. Dori: The terrorist has demanded a million dollars, a private jet and an end to the Star Wars program. Sledge Hammer: Yeah, three movies was enough. Thug: This cop said he didn't have any handcuffs, so he tied me to the front of his car and called me a deer. Then he called me names! He called me 'Bambi'! [Sledge enters with reporter] Thug: Hey! That's him! That's the cop! Reporter: Who's that? Sledge Hammer: Oh, just my favorite hood ornament. Sledge Hammer: Don't ever touch my hand when I'm going for my gun! Dori: Now, will somebody please kill the lights? [Sledge happily reaches for his gun] Captain Trunk: Don't even think about it! Captain Trunk: How's this investigation going? Any leads? Sledge Hammer: Not really. But after a few more victims get killed we'll have more to go on. [Hammer sneaks into the student records room of the School of Elvis Impersonators and looks under the file "Grads '86" when Mr. Yamamoto opens the door and turns on the lights] Yamamoto: You're not supposed to be in here! This is the student record room. Private! I'm calling police. Sledge Hammer: Hold on, friend. I am the police. [Pulls out badge] Sledge Hammer: Inspector Sledge Hammer. I'm on an investigation. Yamamoto: Investigation? Sledge Hammer: So maybe you can help me. Can you think of any past students who might have... I don't know... acted, sort of... strangely? Yamamoto: Yes, all of them! Sledge Hammer: Can you think of one who might have resorted to... murder? Yamamoto: I'm not answering any more questions. [Points to the door] Yamamoto: Leave! Right now! I want to get off in time to watch 'Mr. Belvedere.' Sledge Hammer: I guess somebody has to. Sledge Hammer: Now where am I on this lineup? Dori: You're following a guy from Dallas and preceeding somebody from Miami. Sledge Hammer: Between Dallas and Miami? What terrible place would it be?