advertisement Barber: Which of sir's manifold hairs would he care to place in my professional care for the purposes of securing an encutment? Stephen: I stooped to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around, I've no idea. Doctor: Frank, this is called inter-oral, extra-nasal respiratory relaxant therapy, and - as the name implies - this an American technique. Stephen: You have a daughter, I believe? Hugh: Yeah. Yeah, Henrietta. Stephen: Did he, did he? I'm sorry to hear that. Stephen: If you try and kill them, you're put in prison; if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Hugh: Hello and welcome to "Flying a Light Aeroplane Without Having Had Any Formal Instruction With... ? Headmaster: I can't pretend to be much of a judge of poetry. I'm an English teacher, not a homosexual. Hugh: Good evening and welcome to "Realizing I've Given The Wrong Directions To... ? Tonight I shall be Realizing I've Given The Wrong Directions To Rabbi Michael Leibovitz. Rabbi... [suddenly realises, mutters:] Hugh: Oh, god. Stephen: [General] What does it say on the name plate on my desk Jacobson? Hugh: [Jacobson] "The Buck Stops At My Ass" sir. Stephen: The reason we're not going to do this sketch is that it contains a great deal of sex and violence. Hugh: A great deal. Stephen: Lots of sex and violence. Hugh: That's right. During the sketch, Stephen hits me several times with a golf club. Stephen: Which of course wouldn't matter except that I do it very sexily. Hugh: That's the trouble, you see. He does it so sexily. I wish you could see it. Stephen: And then the sketch ends with us going to bed together... Hugh: ...violently. Stephen: Very, very violently. Now this raises problems. Hugh: Not for me. Police Sgt.: I apprehended the accused and advised him of his rights. He replied, "Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole, you fusking cloff prunker." Judge: "Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole you fusking... er, cloth-blanket was it? Lawyer: Er, I believe it was... er... Judge: Yes, yes? Lawyer: Cloff-prunker, m'lud. Judge: I see. Forgive my ignorance, but what exactly is a "cloff-prunker"? Lawyer: Well, m'lud, it's... Judge: Yes? Lawyer: It's... um... an illicit practice whereby one person... erm... Judge: Well? Lawyer: Whereby one person frangilates another's slimp, m'lud. Judge: He does what? Lawyer: He or she gratifies the other person by... smuctating them avially. Stephen: I suppose if I am honest I, erm, I use my penis as a sort of car substitute. Stephen: Delivery. In a modern society jokes must be delivered on time. If you experience any delivery where the timing is too... Hugh: ...slow? Stephen: ...or if the timing should be t... Hugh: [interrupts Fry] quick, - or, if the joke never even... [stops speaking] Stephen: ...then the commission will be only too happy to look into it. The Comedy Charter. Peace of mind. Hugh: Audience power. Stephen: Your guarantee of satisfaction and delivery. Hugh: Without dripping. [vox pop] Hugh: I just wish they hadn't called it the Common Market. Is that snobbish of me? I mean why not the Nice Market? It would be so much nicer. [vox pop] Stephen: Allergies? Well, I'm not good on strawberries, come out in a bit of a rash. The worst one though is Marmite. Only got to smell the stuff and I start voting Conservative. [vox pop] Stephen: Secret vices? I don't know. Rather too fond of chocolate Hob Nobs. My wife tells me I overdo the heroin. Otherwise, not really. [vox pop - as policeman] Hugh: People often ask what we keep under our helmets. Well, I'll show you. [takes off his helmet and looks very pleased with himself - puts his hand on top of his head and feels around] Hugh: Hold up, some bastard's nicked it. [vox pop] Stephen: Used to be this chap at my school called Richard Braine. You'll never guess our nickname for him. We used to call him Rick Brain. Oh, no, that can't be right. [vox pop] Hugh: Moira Stewart... and Jill Gascoigne... neither of them wrote back. Can you believe these people? I mean how much trouble can it be to just bung a pair of stockings in the post? [vox pop - as woman] Stephen: Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson. [vox pop - showing the places on his body] Stephen: The cut me right round that way to see if they could find anything. Then they had a dig about down here. Still nothing. So they poked this thing up my... you know... had a look up there. Nothing. I'm going through the red channel next time. [vox pop] Hugh: We took the caravan down to Dorset this year, and pushed it over a cliff. [vox pop] Hugh: And then my bereavement counsellor died. I didn't know who to turn to. [vox pop] Hugh: What's the difference between a man and a woman? [no reply] Hugh: Oh. [wanders off and stops someone else] Hugh: Excuse me. What's the difference between a man and a woman? [vox pop] Hugh: I don't know much about pornography. But I know what I like. [vox pop - With beautiful woman on arm] Hugh: Yes, indeed. Very happily married. Very happily married indeed. My wife's away at the moment visiting her sister in Wales, but very... [suddenly realises] Hugh: Is this going out on television? [turns to beautiful woman] Hugh: Who the hell are you? Go away! Honestly... Stephen: We're going to leave you with tonight's cocktail recipe. This one's called "A Slow Snog With A Distant Relative". For this you'll need two measures of brandy, three of rum. One measure pink gin, one white. A dash of lemonade, a sprint of orange-juice, a spoonful of crushed Sugar Puffs, two hard-boiled eggs and an open-toed sandal, size nine if you can get it. Hit it, Mr Laurie, if you'd be so very kind. [Hugh strikes up a jazzy sort of riff while Stephen mixes a "Slow Snog With A Distant Relative", spilling drinks everywhere] Hugh: Then I was Princess Anne's assistant for a while, but I chucked that in because it was obvious they were never going to make me Princess Anne, no matter how well I did the job. It was a question of who you were, rather than how well you did, you know, and I hate that. [Vox pop] Stephen: So I said "Why don't you shove it where the sun don't shine" and so he did. He put it in the cupboard under the stairs and it hasn't been mentioned since. [Vox pop] Hugh: We had our first child on the NHS, and had to wait nine months. Can you believe it? [a chemist's counter: Hugh strides up to confront the shop assistant] Assistant: Can I help you? Hugh: Yes please. I'd like eight packets of condoms, please. Assistant: Eight? Hugh: Eight. Four of them featherlite, three of them ribbed, [half sotto voce] Hugh: the new single by Jason Donovan, [loud again] Hugh: and one multi-coloured pack of Fiestas. Assistant: Jason Donovan? Hugh: That's right. Can you make sure they're all sensitol lubricated? [vox pop] Hugh: I can't stop now, my wife is being towed away. [Stephen enters a bookshop. Hugh is the assistant. Stephen stares at Hugh for a long time] [holding up a book] Stephen: Did you write this? [examining book] Hugh: Jane Eyre. No, that was Charlotte Bront as a matter of fact. Stephen: Right. Well, I'd like to see her then please. Hugh: I'm afraid she's no longer with us. Stephen: Oh? Indeed? I can hardly say I'm surprised. Where can I get in touch with her? Various Characters: The trouble with David Icke is that he doesn't go quite far enough... [repeated line] Stephen, Hugh: Soupy Twist! Hugh: [as Peter] What ever happened to the old John? Stephen: [as John] We took it out when we put in the carpark.