师生拍档追女仔 (1985)

Dr Harry Wolper:

I tell you Sid, that one of these days we'll look in to our microscope and find ourselves staring right into God's eyes, and the first one who blinks is going to lose his testicles.

Boris:

You know, Harry, I'm still trying to find the big picture but I keep missing it because I am so in love with Barbara that nothing else matters.

Dr Harry Wolper [:

What makes you think you are missing it?

Dr Harry Wolper:

Another of the dilemmas "in which we are all", Pavlo, is that there are too many damn machines around here. We're all missing The Big Picture.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Sequencer? Sid doesn't need a sequencer, Pavlo. ... And he doesn't have the room for it anyway.

Pavlo:

Oh, he put all of his animals in my lab.

[pause]

Dr Harry Wolper:

Sid may have the only biology lab in the world that has nothing alive in it.

Mrs Pruitt:

[to Dr Wolper] Dr Novak called. He said that your proposed address to the Medical Congress on "The Profit Incentive in Misdiagnosis" is really not very funny at all.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Any news on that student assistant I want?

Mrs Pruitt:

Oh, yes. Mrs Gonzalez from the registrar's office called with regard to your request for another slave, and wanted me to remind you that she is still waiting to hear why exactly it is that you permitted Dennis Goffman to submit the Bible for his dissertation. Quote, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I subject another graduate student to the kind of zoo that - " and then she started speaking in Spanish.

Boris:

That's it? One course in "The Big Picture". 12 credits.

Dr Harry Wolper:

It's very big. 12 credits probably isn't enough, it's so big.

Boris:

I think I'll go back down to registration.

Dr Harry Wolper:

There are no exams. Grades are based on interest and participation.

Boris:

It's ok with me, I like exams.

Dr Harry Wolper:

MY assistantships pay $3,500.

Boris:

So do everybody else's.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Also, I know the name of the girl you followed into the lab.

[pause]

Boris:

I need to think.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Think there.

Dr Sid Kullenbeck:

Come on Harry, I need him. I'm running a tight well-oiled machine over in my lab, and every insignificant little cog counts. Now where the hell is the little fucker?

Boris:

The little fucker is over here, sir.

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Boris:

You have two labs?

Dr Harry Wolper:

Each has its place. At the university, I try to please the Federal Government. Here, I negotiate with God.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Look! First day of classes. Undergraduate female bottoms as far as the eye can see. In two weeks time, all the really choice bottoms will be in the hands, so to speak, of the varsity athletes.

Boris:

You know what happened the other night? I was dreaming about you and Lucy. How you met at the beach, and how much you loved each other. I woke up, and I was crying. All these tears were just - I wanna love someone like that so bad, Harry, it hurts.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Barbara Spencer.

Boris:

What?

Dr Harry Wolper:

Well it's not much, but it's all I have at the moment.

Boris:

What is?

Dr Harry Wolper:

The name of the girl you followed into the lab. It's Barbara Spencer.

Boris:

Love is dead, Harry.

Dr Harry Wolper:

How depressing. Never mind, Boris. Women's liberation will run its course and we will prevail.

Boris:

Can I go home now? I'm kinda jocked out.

Dr Harry Wolper:

When Lucy and I first met, Paul, the world was a pet. It came along with us wherever we went, like a good dog. Obedient. Loyal. Friendly. The world responded to our commands.

Meli:

Dr Wolper, why do I orgasm all the time, from absolutely everything? I mean, I feel like a goddam battery, charging and discharging and charging up again. ... I mean, what guy's gonna feel good about having sex with you if you've already come six times between his ringing the doorbell and my opening the screen door?

Dr Harry Wolper:

Many would think you to be a joyfully lucky young girl. An orgasm is the fun of creation.

Barbara:

Larry kept telling me that we would just be roommates and nothing more. Then I wasn't there a week until he was trying to get me to SLEEP with him.

Boris:

That's terrible. ...

Boris:

Y'know Barbara, I've got lots of room in my apartment. And I won't bother you, really.

Meli:

[in the buffet line at a formal party] I really mean it, Dr Wolper. I want us to get married.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Meli! You still call me "Dr Wolper".

Meli:

So? What's that supposed to mean? When I met you, you were Dr Wolper, and that's the way I got to know you. So don't go making any big goddam deal outta that, too. I'm just a formal-type person. If I were sleeping with the king of France I'd say, "That was very nice sex, Your Highness. Thank you for banging me, Your Majesty."

[pause]

Paul:

Now that's what I call respect, fellas.

[chuckles all round]

Dr Sid Kullenbeck:

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But what good is my yacht? And my Porsche? And my European ski villa - not to mention my reputation as a world class scientist - without having a woman?

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Meli:

Oh, that's so true, Sid. Without a good woman there's nothing.

Dr Sid Kullenbeck:

[leaning in] Nothing.

Meli:

But as soon as us lesbians start telling people that and all, they start calling us dykes and cracking jokes about oral sex.

[pause]

Dr Sid Kullenbeck:

I gotta call my service. Excuse me.

Meli:

Hey Sid. I really hope you find a good woman for your Porsh.

Dr Sid Kullenbeck:

[correcting] Porsche.

Boris:

Harry, how did you know you were in love? I mean with you and Lucy. How'd you know it wasn't just infatuation?

Dr Harry Wolper:

Scientifically, of COURSE. By using The Love Formula.

Boris:

The what?

Dr Harry Wolper:

Love Formula. Add up the number of times that you think about the lady each day. Subtract from the total the number of times you think about yourself each day. If the remainder is more lady, and less yourself, then it's love.

Boris:

Oh, I've been thinking about Barbara a lot lately.

Dr Harry Wolper:

What's so very neat about this particular formula, is that "a lot" plugs into it beautifully. Boris, would you and the subject of your computations care to join me at the beach house for the weekend?

Dr Harry Wolper:

We shall be putting out another load on Friday, Sid. I'll try to leave something incriminating for you. Meantime, would you care for a cup of Mrs Mallory's coffee?

Dr Harry Wolper:

An institute for advanced research with no funds for research. It's a provocative concept.

Professor Brauer:

I hope you'll accept this advice, as the word of a scholar and a lover of truth.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Absolutely.

Professor Brauer:

Whatever you do Harry, don't use your own money.

Meli:

If I took my pants off I could beat the Green Bay Packers.

Dr Harry Wolper:

(to the Site Review committee) As you know, our research here relates to the biochemical mechanisms of disease. And I am pleased to annouce this morning that God has agreed to provide us with all the answers we need for just under $800,000.

Dr Sid Kullenbeck:

You can't give this man ANY MONEY! He's a LUNATIC! He thinks he's re-growing his dead wife in his back yard, it's no joke. He's been cloning a dead person without a license. He took all our lab equipment without ANY authorization! Got a teenage girlfriend, flashes her tits!

Boris:

We were wondering if, um, well, if she might have gotten pregnant somehow.

Dr Sid Kullenbeck:

"Somehow".

Dr Harry Wolper:

(to patient) Well now, haven't you put yourself into a pretty old pickle?

Boris:

Harry.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Eh heh?

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Boris

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:

Harry, she's in a coma.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Comas confuse me. She's not asleep. She is not dead. She must be alive, don't you think?

Boris:

Yes.

Dr Harry Wolper:

But what we need round here is some consciousness.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Does it check?

Boris:

Yes it checks. They all check. They're coming out just the way they did when Sid ordered them. You're right, he does good work.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Mmm. Also, he is an asshole.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Well, our understanding of the infinite variables of the human brain's behavior stops right here. Welcome to the Dark Ages of enlightened science.

Boris:

Wanna know something really crazy, Harry?

Dr Harry Wolper:

Always.

Boris:

We're gonna do it, Harry.

Dr Harry Wolper:

Oh no. YOU. Are going to do it.

Boris:

She's breathing by herself.

Pavlo:

Yes Boris, she is.

Boris:

Well that's a GOOD SIGN, isn't it?!??

Pavlo:

Yes, Boris, that's an excellent sign. It is absolutely outstanding.

Dr Harry Wolper:

I don't think I'd like to be God, not that I'm turning down any offers mind you. But there are six billion people on this planet and I still feel alone. Imagine being One God.