[driving away from police in car with startled teenager] Teenager: Are you a cop? Fletch: As far as you know. Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft? Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car? Teenager: I sure did. Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law. Receptionist: May I help you Dr...? Fletch: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file. Receptionist: Dr. who? Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room. Receptionist: What was that name again? Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room. Receptionist: Dr. who? Fletch: Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room? Fletch: Do you have any caviar? Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion. Fletch: Well, then I better just take two portions of that. Fletch: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses. Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds. [During a proctological exam] Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc? Fletch: I'm John. Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. [they laugh] Gail Stanwyk: John who? Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton. Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name. Fletch: Well, it's Scotch/Romanian. Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination. Fletch: Yeah, well, so were my parents. [to a Doberman pinscher] Fletch: Look, defenseless babies! Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again? Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss. Madeline: Who's Frieda? Fletch: My secretary. Alan Stanwyck: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut. Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you. Fletch: Yeah, I assure you. Alan Stanwyck: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...? Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent. Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from? Fletch: We play tennis at the club. Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? California Racquet Club? Fletch: Right. Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there. Fletch: Well, I haven't been playing in a while because of these kidney pains. Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber? Fletch: No, that's "Babar". Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's? Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R. Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two. Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant. Dr. Joseph Dolan: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar? Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any. Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children? Fletch: No elephant books. Fletch: You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together. Alan Stanwyck: Oh? And what was that? Fletch: Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine. Gail Stanwyck: What are you doing here? Fletch: I ordered some lunch. Gail Stanwyck: You ordered it here? Fletch: Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be. [to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Fletch: Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo. [Fletch has fainted] Records Nurse: Oh, Doctor, are you all right? Fletch: Where am I? Records Nurse: You're in the records room. Fletch: The records room? Oh, then I'm fine. Records Nurse: Can I get you something? Fletch: Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there. Fletch: In case you haven't guessed yet, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doze. I'm talking about the hard stuff, and a lot of it. I've been trying to find out who's behind it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much. Fat Sam: I got some reds.
Fletch: You don't mean communists, do you, Sam? Fletch: Did you steal this car? Teenager: I sure did! Fletch: Well, I'm not sure that's even a crime anymore, there've been a lot of changes in the law. Fletch: If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards. Fletch: You would have thought that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack* [mimes door hitting him in the face] Fletch: , and there's blood... Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club? Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills. Waiter: They are left, Señor. Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis. Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill. Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please. Fletch: [on the phone with Mr. Swarthow] Excuse you? Receptionist: [handing Fletch a cup of coffee] Sugar, Mr. Poon? Fletch: No, never, never. Fletch's girlfriend: [Fletch is listening to a tape of him and his girlfriend having sex] You're not recording this, are you? Fletch: No, never, never. Pan Am Clerk: I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you. Fletch: Oh, for... God dawd dawd! Who is it, Mr. Sinlindin? Detective #2: Got a gun, creep? Fletch: Shamu's got one, borrow his. Detective #2: [searching Fletch] What have we here? Fletch: That's my dick. Alan Stanwyck: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves? Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy. Fletch: For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner. Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large? Fletch: No, not since breakfast. [to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Fletch: Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo. Fletch: This little proposition doesn't entail me dressing as Little Bo-Peep, does it? Fletch: