A group of careless and unlucky drivers are sentenced to attend traffic school to keep their records clean. Mistreated by inept and cruel po...更多>
Dana Cannon: Aren't you guys in the wrong room? Shouldn't you be next door at the pro acid rain rally? Dana Cannon: [coming into classroom as if he were the instructor] All right people, settle down, take your seats, thank you... [to kid wearing red shirt] Dana Cannon: That means you too, Red. [to black man with dredlocks] Dana Cannon: Hey man, I've got all your albums, you're the greatest! All right, everybody stand up, please! Everybody up, c'mon! [to Wink Barnes, who refuses] Dana Cannon: You! In the back! You waiting for a special invitation? Wink Barnes: [leaning back in his chair] You talkin' to me? Dana Cannon: Yes, you too! Uppity-up-up-up! [he rises] Dana Cannon: You're gonna like this! C'mon! Now, breathe in... [class members take deep breath in] Dana Cannon: ... blow out [they blow out] Dana Cannon: . Breathe in, blow out. That's it. Now, shake it out [all wiggle] Dana Cannon: Good. [Deputies Halik and Morris enter] Dana Cannon: Now, if the women will all be so kind as to take off all their clothes, we can get things rolling. Deputy Halik: Sit DOWN, Mr. Cannon! Dana Cannon: Wait, wait. Could it be? [to camera] Dana Cannon: How big a coincidence is this? [singing song] Dana Cannon: Reunited, 'cause it feels so good! [class collectively laughs] Deputy Halik: We're your traffic school instructors! Dana Cannon: Aren't you guys in the wrong room? Shouldn't you be next door at the pro-acid rain rally? Deputy Virginia Morris: Sit down before I mold your face into an ashtray. Dana Cannon: See, all you had to do was ask nicely. Mrs. Loretta Houk: [sitting on the front of a urinal] What's a man doing in the Ladies Room? Dana Cannon: This is the Men's Room, Mrs. Houk. Mrs. Loretta Houk: Oh. [beat] Mrs. Loretta Houk: Why is my back all wet? Deputy Virginia Morris: What is this powder? Dana Cannon: Fertilizer. Deputy Virginia Morris: [disgustedly spits it out] Ughhhh! Shit! Dana Cannon: Exactly! Dana Cannon:
It's like I always say. When the going gets tough, the tough get going in their pants.
Deputy Halik: You've changed my life! You've taught me a whole new of looking at the law. Judge Nedra Henderson: Well come on back to my place. I'll show you a whole new way of looking at my body. Deputy Halik: So what's it going to be? Boxing? Karate? Wrestling? Dana Cannon: Are you kidding? Look, wimp. You come on as this big macho strong man. How about a real test of strength? How about arm wrestling? Deputy Halik: Sounds good, Cannon. I happen to be Western Division arm wrestling champ, so don't be surprised when I break your arm in two! Dana Cannon: Sounds fun. Come on, dickhead! Wink Barnes: Ok I got it! First we kill him, then we cut off his face! Dana Cannon: Wink, you're a sick man. I thought you should know that. Judge Nedra Henderson: Are you going to be a good boy? Deputy Halik: Yes, mommy, yes! Scott Greeber: I hit a casket with a puppet stage. What am I doing here? Deputy Halik: I got my promotion. Deputy Virginia Morris: I got my period. Joan Pudillo: How can I be a hypochondriac when I'm sick all the time? Dana Cannon: So instead of pissing and moaning about how bad off we are, let's zero in on the guy who made sure we'd never drive again. Let's get the guy who screwed us. Let's get Halik! Mrs. Loretta Houk: Yeah fuck him! Rip his nuts off! Terrence 'Doc' Williams: [voice-over] Drain out all the water, take in plenty of oil, grease up that back end, get out on the highway and go at full speed for about ten miles. See how it feels. Joan Pudillo: No-one's ever mentioned this to me before. Deputy Halik: By the time you complete this course, you will know all the rules of the road, backwards and forwards. Dana Cannon: [raises hand] Will there be any cooking tips, like what to do with those darned holiday leftovers? Mrs. Loretta Houk: [after throwing a flare in the trunk of a car and setting it ablaze] Did I do something wrong? Dana Cannon: Not from where I stand. Dana Cannon: [to Mrs. Houk who is standing watch] Did you see anybody? Mrs. Loretta Houk: I don't know. Dana Cannon: Good. [Mrs. Houk, who has been drinking, lets out a huge belch] Deputy Halik: Before you go home tonight, we'd like to show you a little film on traffic safety called, "Blood Flows Red on the Highway."