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"The Golden Girls"
(1985)
-
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Sophia:
I need the money for my old age.
Dorothy:
Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.
Dorothy:
Oh c'mon, Blanche. Age is just a state of mind.
Blanche:
Tell that to my thighs.
Rose:
My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."
Dorothy:
What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?
Rose:
YES!
Dorothy:
Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?
Rebecca:
I'm havin' this baby in a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.
Blanche:
Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?
Sophia:
I'm not leaving now. It's just getting good.
Dorothy:
Shady Pines, Ma!
Sophia:
You're bluffing...
Dorothy:
[menacingly] The West Wing?
Sophia:
I'm right behind you.
Blanche:
Well, just tell him you have a lot of work at home.
Rose:
I don't want to lie.
Blanche:
When you get home, we'll make you clean out the garage.
Rose:
Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one.
Dorothy:
Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant?
Blanche:
I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here.
Rose:
It looks like a perfume sample.
Dorothy:
Put it behind your ears, Rose.
Blanche:
You know what the worst part about getting older is?
Dorothy:
Your face, Rose's hands?
Blanche:
The Great Herring War?
Rose:
Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.
Dorothy:
Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Blanche:
No, no, no please. I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets.
Dorothy:
Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story.
Dorothy:
You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.
Blanche:
I'll give you anything. I'll give you one of my sons.
Dorothy:
Blanche.
Blanche:
Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had 4 kids, I've never had a Mercedes. So, which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.
Rose:
I just had a thought...
Sophia, Dorothy, Blanche:
Congratulations.
Dominic:
[points at Dorothy] You, are our daughter.
[after the girls miss a train, a group of circus performers come into the station]
Rose:
This is a sign-it's telling us our unhappy times are over! Excuse me, Mr. Clown, but could you do something funny to put a smile on the faces of three gloomy gusses?
Clown:
Buzz off, lady. I'm on a cigarette break!
Rose:
Well, I'm off.
Sophia:
Totally.
Rose:
Well, I'm here if you want to pick my brain.
Dorothy:
Rose, honey. Maybe we should leave it alone and let it heal.
Rose:
Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?
Sophia:
Excuse me Rose, but I haven't had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.
Dorothy:
Hi, ma. Where are you going?
Sophia:
To the boardwalk. I like to watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water.
Blanche:
He is so sophisticated and charming and rich and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least, he will when I'M through with him.
Blanche:
I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.
Dorothy:
Ah, your first kiss was in the rain?
Blanche:
No, it was in the shower.
Blanche:
What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?
Sophia:
It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy:
Yes, Blanche. It's you.
[Sophia enters kitchen]
Dorothy:
You couldn't sleep either, huh?
Sophia:
No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.
Miles Webber:
I'm a college professor, Rose. What did you think when I said I taught Hemingway?
Rose:
I thought you were old.
Blanche:
We just rented that movie Aliens, it scared us half to death.
Sophia:
I found it scary too. That Sigourney Weaver is a sweet girl but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
Dorothy:
The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?
Rose:
I kept a chicken in my home.
Dorothy:
You see my point?
Blanche:
I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.
Dorothy:
That's pretty jumpy.
Rose:
Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy:
Better than anyone I know.
Blanche:
This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy:
In what, Blanche, dog years?
Blanche:
I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia:
Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.
Stan:
Hello Sophia, you're looking younger every day.
Sophia:
Hi Stan, and that's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. Great, now we're both liars.
Rose:
Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...
Dorothy:
That's always a safe bet, Rose.
Rose:
...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.
Blanche:
Well, what's wrong with that?
Rose:
Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.
Rose:
You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die.
Sophia:
Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't go see "Ishtar." Woof.
Sophia:
Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids.
Dorothy:
[to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.
Sophia:
My hiney's asleep.
Dorothy:
Fine, we'll keep our voices down.
Sophia:
I hate communism.
Dorothy:
Of course you hate communism, Ma it's because you were raised a fascist.
Sophia:
Please. Pay no attention to him. The man spent 90 days on the high seas drinking grain alchohol from a goat bladder.
Sophia:
Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.
Dorothy:
I'm so sorry. What happened?
Sophia:
[sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.
[agitated]
Sophia:
SHE WAS 88!
Rose:
Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.
Stan:
I know everything about basketball - it's one of the interesting things about me.
Sophia:
Please. You've lived here for two months; there's nothing interesting about you.
Stan:
Go on, ask me anything.
Sophia:
All right... when are you moving out?
Sophia:
You're Blanche's daughter, the model?
Rebecca:
That's right.
Sophia:
What did she model - car covers?
Sophia:
Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.
Rose:
Oh, Sophia.
Sophia:
Blanche, you're a slut.
Blanche:
Oh, Sophia.
Rose:
I just found out I'm the most boring on Earth.
Sophia:
Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
Blanche:
There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut. I know. My toe has been on that line.
Dorothy:
Oh... but you thought we'd be interested in the story of little Yimminy? the boy who was raised by a moose...
Rose:
That moose not only raised little Yimminy, he put him through medical school
[In a darkened movie theatre]
Rose:
I wonder what kind of movie this is...
[Off-camera sounds of woman screaming in horror and roaring chainsaw]
Dorothy:
It's a musical, Rose.
Blanche:
Why I couldn't... I'd feel like a... like a...
Dorothy:
Like a backstabbing slut?
Blanche:
...no...
[Blanche and Dorthoy are discussing Blanche's birthday gift to Rose: a detective to follow around Rose's boyfriend]
Blanche:
Well I can't take it back, I paid in advance
Dorothy:
Can't you get a refund?
Blanche:
Well no I paid with nature's credit card
Dorothy:
You never leave home without it.
Dorothy:
Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia:
You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?
Blanche:
I swear with God as my witness, I will never pick up another man!... in a library... on a Saturday... unless he's cute... and drives a nice car... Amen
Contractor:
Do you want it fast or do you want it good?
Sophia:
Before you answer that, Blanche, the man's talking about a guest room.
Rose:
I can't believe my mother is out riding around on a smelly old bus. Being pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts!
Rose:
Everybody likes me.
Sophia:
I don't!
Rose:
Oh, you just say that Sophia.
Sophia:
REPEATEDLY!
Miles Webber:
Rose, I've never met anyone quite like you.
Sophia:
Check the corn field on Hee-Haw.
Rose:
Belief can be powerful. I had a sty once, and every night I would close my eyes and think about it getting smaller and smaller until it went away!
[Sophia leans on the fridge with her eyes closed]
Dorothy:
Ma, what's wrong?
Sophia:
Nothing. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.
[Rose comes in from the rain crying after seeing two sad movies; Dorothy's friend says she'll be all right]
Blanche:
Of course you will, honey, that phony hair color won't wash out just because you got caught in the rain!
[the girls visit a birthing center. A loud screech is heard]
Birthing Center Woman:
It sounds like there's a mommy in the making!
Rose:
It sounds like there's a mommy on *fire*!
Dorothy:
[the girls visit a birthing center] What kind of idiot would want to give birth here?
Rose:
This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!
[talking about bobbing for yams]
Rose:
I had a knack for coming up with the firmest, most appealing yams.
Blanche:
I was once told I had the firmest, most appealing gams.
Rose:
Blanche, I can't believe you. Where do you get your nerve?
Blanche:
Ironically, from Uncle Lucas.
Rose:
You... you... you rude person!
Dorothy:
Go easy on him, Rose.
Blanche:
What was your first impression of me?
Rose:
I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.
Sophia:
Come on, Blanche.
Rose:
I'm Rose.
Sophia:
Simple mistake, means nothing.
Dorothy:
Why don't you just tell him that you don't know who he is?
Rose:
And hurt an old friend? Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.
Sophia:
I need some advice, Rose.
Rose:
You are asking advise from me?
Sophia:
Yea, frightening isn't it?
Blanche:
Dorothy you're a substitute, your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy:
Then what is it?
Blanche:
To keep the kids from burning the school down until the other teacher gets back.
Dorothy:
Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...
Sophia:
Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night.
Blanche:
Oh girls... I'm just in ecstasy. My body is tingling all over. You will never guess what just happened.
Sophia:
We know what happened. Let us just guess what part of the Middle East he's from.
Sophia:
Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?
Blanche:
Yeah.
Sophia:
You can still walk, can't you?
Blanche:
That's true.
Sophia:
Great, go get me a glass of water.
Dorothy:
Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, honey. Pray for brains.
Sophia:
Ow.
Dorothy:
What is it, Ma?
Sophia:
Pain.
Dorothy:
What kind of pain?
Sophia:
The kind that hurts.
Rose:
I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened.
Dorothy:
You realized you forgot to dial first.
Rose:
No.
Blanche:
You were holding the receiver the wrong way.
Rose:
No.
Dorothy:
You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone.
Rose:
No.
Blanche:
A shoe?
Rose:
No, I'm not an idiot. - The TV has a remote?
Sophia:
Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway.
[after getting caught faking a sprained ankle]
Sophia:
I wuv you.
Dorothy:
Too wittle, too wate.
[the girls are watching Dorothy and Trudy arm wrestle. Trudy wins]
Trudy:
Well, that's that. How does it feel to have your butt whipped?
Blanche:
Well, sometimes I find it strangely titillating, but... oh. You were talking to her.
Rose:
Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible.
Dorothy:
I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable.
[Dorothy is solving a murder mystery]
Dorothy:
On the other hand, Phillip would never use a Mayan sacrificial knife as a murder weapon. Too obvious. But, it would be no problem for his sister to sneak the weapon out of his collection.
Gloria:
This woman's pathetic.
Sophia:
Oh. Big news. Tear out the front page.
The Butler:
My god. They've been murdered.
Sophia:
Does this mean we don't get any birthday cake?
[Dorothy is solving a murder mystery]
Dorothy:
I think I see now how it happened - last evening, at dinner, when Miss McGlen saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...
Sophia:
Big deal. I took a whole place sitting.
Dorothy:
NOT NOW, MA!
[on one of the flashback episodes when Dorothy is young]
Sophia:
Where are you going?
Salvadore Petrillo:
To get some air.
Sophia:
We got air in the house.
Salvadore Petrillo:
I like beer with my air.
Dorothy:
When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body.
[trying to get Blanche to come out of her room]
Dorothy:
You're right, Blanche. These naked southern guys sure can dance.
Blanche:
I have writer's block. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia:
Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
[Rose and Dorothy confront Blanche about sleeping with Gil Kessler, Rose says to Blanche regarding the newspaper article]
Rose:
Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in a building 10 blocks away?
Dorothy:
[Holding her head] Rose, that was an article about an earthquake in GUATAMALA.
[a very short man visits the girls]
Dorothy:
[to the man] May I take your height - *hat*?
Sophia:
Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?
Sophia:
Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.
Rose:
Here you are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.
Sophia:
I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.
Blanche:
Sophia, I need you.
Sophia:
Blanche, you were strong and independent long before I got here.
Rose:
I need you too, Sophia.
Sophia:
Rose, you need the Wizard of Oz.
Rose:
Dr. Kagan? Hubba hubba zing zing, baby, he's got everything.
[Blanche comes into the kitchen. Rose can't see her]
Blanche:
I am nothing but a disgusting cheap slut.
Rose:
Don't tell me... it's Blanche.
[Dorothy has brought home a pamphlet that shows Sophia might be losing her hearing]
Sophia:
Oh, please Dorothy. Every time you bring home a pamphlet, I have that problem. One time I even thought I was a Jew for Jesus.
[Blanche asks the rest of the girls if there was ever a time when a man didn't sleep with them]
Rose:
I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.
Blanche:
Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.
Rose:
OK. I will.
Dorothy:
Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?
Rose:
The time I was radioactive.
Blanche:
Sophia, by placing this pearl necklace between my bosoms, does it make me look like I'm a sex-starved slut who is in need of a man to bed?
Sophia:
Yes.
Blanche:
Good, then pearl it is.
[Rose is up late, baking]
Rose:
I couldn't sleep, so I whipped up a batch of Sverhoeven Crispies. It's a traditional midnight snack from St. Olaf dating back to Viking times.
Dorothy:
Well, I guess after a hard night of pillaging and raping, a Viking would want a little something to go with his cocoa.
[Repeated line]
Rose:
Back in St. Olaf...
Rose:
This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
Dorothy:
Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf?" I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf!"
Rose:
Gee, no, I... I'm sorry.
Dorothy:
Oh... that's okay.
Rose:
[pauses for a moment to rethink her approach] Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...
Dorothy:
ROSE!
Rose:
[Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital] Name?
Sophia:
Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.
Dorothy:
Is that all you care about? Money and applause?
Blanche:
And sex. For which I usually *get* applause.
[Dorothy, becoming fed up by a clown at a kiddie party, is ready to deck him with a pie]
Clown:
Before you do that, you should know that Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer. Besides, that wouldn't be a very grown up thing to do.
Dorothy:
[defeated] No. You're right. I couldn't.
Bobby (6 years old):
Mr. Ha Ha.
Clown:
Yes Bobby?
[Clown turns around. Bobby smashes a pie into his face]
Bobby (6 years old):
Happy Birthday, Dorothy.
[repeated line]
Sophia:
Picture it... Sicily.
Blanche:
Rose and I are taking a dirty dancing class.
Dorothy:
Really.
Blanche:
It's become quite popular since that movie came out.
Rose:
What movie is that?
Dorothy:
"Lawrence of Arabia", Rose.
[on being compared to Charlie's Angels]
Blanche:
I was once told I bore a striking resemblance to Cheryl Ladd... but my bosoms are perkier.
Dorothy:
Not even if you were hanging upside-down from a trapeze!
Blanche:
Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
Sophia:
I'm just saying you're lucky Jack-&-Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.
Dorothy:
[to Sophia] Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!
Dorothy:
It's wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.
[Sophia arrives from the rest home by taxi]
Rose:
You must be tired after your cab trip.
Sophia:
Why? I RODE in the cab! I didn't push it!
Rose:
I don't think lying is really a good idea. I once cut school and that proved very bad.
Dorothy:
Oh, Rose. We've all cut school. It couldn't have been that bad.
Rose:
Oh, yes it was. That was the day they taught EVERYTHING.
Dorothy:
The final piece of the puzzle.
[Jean, a lesbian, is visiting]
Dorothy:
Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?
Sophia:
Dorothy, there are a lot of things I wanna try before I die, but that's not one of them!
Rose:
How long were Jean and Pat married?
Dorothy:
They were together for about eight years.
Rose:
Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do... I know! I'll make my world-famous ice cream clown sundaes! You know, the kind with the little raisin eyes and the sugar cone caps.
Dorothy:
If that doesn't fill the void, nothing will.
[Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle]
Blanche:
I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy:
You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche?
Blanche:
Well there must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia:
Yeah. They're called lesbians.
Sophia:
My God, I've left braincells all over the Eastern Seaboard.
[Rose has asked Sophia for advice]
Rose:
What's the point? You won't believe me anyway.
Sophia:
Hey, Sicilians can always recognize two things - when someone is telling the truth, and when they've had their fingerprints changed.
Rose:
You know, I've been thinking...
Blanche:
Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.
Dorothy:
How come whenever my ship comes in it's leaking?
Dorothy:
You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt. I mean, where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the - the true spirit of Christmas?
Sophia:
Neiman-Marcus, Ladies Apparel, third floor.
Sophia:
It's a nightmare, we've been visited by the Yutz of Christmas Past.
Rose:
Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.
[the girls have chased away Ernie, the man who is changing their garage into a guest room]
Blanche:
Well, we have two choices-go and beg Ernie's forgiveness, or hire another contractor.
Sophia:
Or, we could use the Sicilian method. We burn down the house, collect the fire insurance money, and move to a beautiful beachside house in California. Personally, I vote for choice three.
[Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom]
Rose:
Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.
Dorothy:
Fine, Rose. Get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do.
Dorothy:
Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose:
Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy:
Rose, honey, I am not denying I'm in denial.
Rose:
If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy:
Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.
Blanche:
Rose, I was about to tell a story.
Rose:
Well, I wanna tell mine.
Blanche:
Dorothy?
Dorothy:
Well, this is a no-win situation... but go ahead, Blanche.
Rose:
Fine, you may never get to hear MY story.
Dorothy:
Then I'm wrong, it isn't a no-win situation.
Rose:
We weren't allowed to wear berets at my school, it was against the St. Olaf dress code. They did let me wear a paper cap, though. It was long and pointy.
Dorothy:
Blanche, have you heard of the latest campaigns? "Join the navy, see the world... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"? "Join the army, be all you can be... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"?
[getting angry]
Dorothy:
"The marines are looking for a few good men who have *not* slept with Blanche Devereaux"!
Sophia:
If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.
[Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed]
Dorothy:
MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!
Sophia:
These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?
[Sophia is in a pirate costume, and the girls are about to meet a famous actor]
Sophia:
You want me to leave? I can't believe you're embarassed by your own mother!
Dorothy:
When she looks like Vasco de Gama, yes!
[Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over]
Sophia:
And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?
Dorothy:
Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.
[Rose has taken Dorothy and Blanche to Mr. Ha Ha's Hot Dog Haciendo, a kiddie birthday party restruant]
Rose:
Well, you always complained your birthdays are dull and boring. This place looked very exciting!
Dorothy:
Yes, Rose, to a five-year-old... OR SOMEONE WHO THINKS LIKE ONE!
[Discussing a bad actress who played Anne Frank in a community theater play]
Dorothy:
I mean, for the enitre second act, the audience kept yelling, "She's in the attic, she's in the attic!"
[the girls are sick. Sophia tells a story]
Sophia:
In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.
Dorothy:
Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.
Sophia:
Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with ear salve wasn't very appetizing-but once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it sold like hot cakes!
Dorothy:
Ma, you're making this up!
Sophia:
So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.
Dorothy:
Ma, I'm never playing cards with you again!
Sophia:
Yes you will. You're just too competitive. It's always been your worst feature. No, wait-your ears are your worst feature.
Dorothy:
Can you believe that?
Blanche:
No, I always thought your bony feet were your worst feature.
[Dorothy, Sophia, and Blanche discuss Dorothy's lesbian friend,Jean]
Sophia:
Jean thinks she's in love with Rose!
Blanche:
Rose! Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe this, I don't believe this!
Dorothy:
We were surprised, too.
Blanche:
Well, I'll bet. To think Jean would prefer Rose over ME, that ridiculous!
[after a leaky night, Rose comes out of her room carrying a bucket]
Dorothy:
Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too?
Rose:
No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!
Sophia:
Please, I'm in my twilight years.
Dorothy:
You're in the Twilight ZONE!
Blanche:
Oh, God... now I'm lying to a priest!
Dorothy:
Ma, I DON'T snore.
Sophia:
Please! I had to turn you away from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!
Blanche:
When Blanche Devereaux goes after a man, she doesn't stand on ceremony!
Sophia:
Or the floor.
Sophia:
Make way for the victors.
Rose:
You won the big game?
Sophia:
No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.
Sophia:
Kitchen, bedroom, I knew it was a room I was good in!
Blanche:
I can't believe you said that! Oh if I weren't a lady I'd deck you.
Dorothy:
You try and I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date.
Dorothy:
[about how scary Mrs. Claxton is] Last Halloween half the kids in the neighborhood wore Freida Claxton costumes.
Dorothy:
We're here to pay for a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer:
Oh, isn't that nice, the three of you planning ahead for mother.
Sophia:
[walks a little bit closer] Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?
Rose:
[on Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses] Oh Sophia, I think you're a wonderful person. It's a lovely idea to divide Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses equally.
Sophia:
Well I figure yours should be about half. After all you're the one that killed her.
Dorothy:
[on Sophia's memory loss] I hate watching what this is doing to her.
Blanche:
I hate watching what this is doing to you.
Rose:
I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginnings of rented videotapes.
Game Show Host:
For one hundred dollars, complete this famous phrase: "Better late than...
Blanche:
Pregnant!
Game Show Host:
No, Blanche, that's incorrect... though not entirely untrue.
Blanche:
You know what I hate doing most after a party?
Rose:
Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
Sophia:
Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress!
Blanche:
Why, you little...
Sophia:
No offense, pussycat.
Dorothy:
None taken, you cankerous little prune!
[trying to get animals to breed]
Dorothy:
What they need is an aphrodisiac.
Rose:
An African what?
Dorothy:
An aphrodisiac, Rose. Something that makes you feel sexy... like Spanish Fly.
Rose:
[disgusted] Spanish flies?
Dorothy:
Fly, Rose. One Fly. Spanish Fly.
Rose:
Oh, come on Dorothy. I've been to Spain. It's not the cleanest country in the world, they must have thousands of flies.
Dorothy:
It is not a fly Rose! It's a beetle!
Rose:
They call it a fly but it's really a beetle?
Dorothy:
Yes.
Rose:
How do they know it's Spanish?
Dorothy:
Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!
Dorothy:
Now look here... You withered old Sicilian monkey!
Blanche:
[Blanche explaining why she worn red at her wedding instead of white] Oh please, it's bad enough hearing all those snickers as you walk down the aisle, but me in white, even I couldn't keep a straight face.
Rose:
Charlie once had a business partner who was also a lying, cheating, evil, slimy human being!
Dorothy:
Wait, Rose, let me guess. Hans Zinglefruberdanshoodlegadenhinkelmeier?
Rose:
Yup! That's the louse!
Rose:
You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! EVERYBODY likes me!
Sophia:
The old one isn't so crazy about you.
Sophia:
We never forgot anything in Sicily because people would tie string around each other's fingers. No... wait, it wasn't string, it was piano wire. And wait... it wasn't your finger, it was your neck. In fact, piano wire was the second-biggest export in our village. You know what the number one export was?
Rose:
No, what?
Sophia:
Hell if I know. I was hoping you could tell me!
[Dorothy leaves on vacation, leaving Blanche in charge of Sophia]
Sophia:
Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!
[Sophia finishes telling a story]
Rose:
Wow, Sophia, that was some story!
Sophia:
Yeah-funny, touching and with a surprise twist ending. I wonder if was true. Damn that stroke.
[Sophia is translating for an elderly Italian contractor]
Sophia:
He said, "I am in charge."
[the contractor says something else]
Sophia:
He said, "I am the boss."
[the contractor says something else]
Sophia:
[confused] He said, "I am the walrus"?
Dorothy:
Ma, either your Italian is a little rusty or this is the world's oldest hippie.
Blanche:
Just like my heroine, sicker and sicker...
[to Dorothy]
Blanche:
Of course, my heroine doesn't look like you. This is a romantic novel, not science-fiction.
[she leaves]
Dorothy:
Remind me when I feel better to kick the crap out of her.
Dorothy:
Oh, Angela, you really don't have to go!
Angela:
Thank you, Dorothy. I'd love to stay, but I hate your mother.
Rose:
Oh, Blanche, if your 21st birthday was 20 years ago, you'd only be 41 years old!
Blanche:
That's right.
Rose:
Gee, you look terrible for your age.
Rose:
[discussing hair removal products] Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?
Dorothy:
What is it?
Rose:
Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away from below the skin line.
Dorothy:
Yeah, I don't know whether I wanna use this. It says it's gonna hurt.
Rose:
Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one.
Dorothy:
Why don't we just set each other on fire?
Rose:
Dorothy...
Dorothy:
All right, all right. Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on.
Rose:
Blanche, did you really start shaving at eleven? That seems so young!
Blanche:
Oh, I did it on a dare. You know, back where I come from, everybody thought that once you started shaving your legs, why, you'd become loose. So I shaved 'em!
Rose:
What happened?
Blanche:
Oh, it was an old wives' tale. I didn't become loose for another year and a half.
Dorothy:
Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I'd never be able to stop. I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.
Sophia:
I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees!
Blanche:
You know, a lot of those European girls don't shave under their arms.
Rose:
Is that true?
Blanche:
They just let it all hang out.
Rose:
Really?
Blanche:
Bushy as can be.
Rose:
Well, what do they look like in a strapless dress?
Dorothy:
Like Milton Berle.
Rose:
When men see that you shave your legs above the knee, what does that say to them?
Blanche:
Hopefully it says, '"Touch my leg!"
Dorothy:
That's in case they miss the tattoo that says the same.
Blanche:
Well, it's almost dinnertime! Now, what could be taking Rose so long at that job interview?
Dorothy:
Well, if she's taking that long, it's a good sign, isn't it? I mean, how much time does it take to say no?
Sophia:
What are you asking her for? She never said no in her life!
Dorothy:
[Sophia has rented a porno] Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?
Sophia:
I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.
Dorothy:
That's not a Steven Spielberg? *What* are they doing?
Sophia:
You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were twelve.
Dorothy:
Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?
Sophia:
Dirty is in the eye of the beholder... OK, maybe *that's* a little dirty.
Blanche:
Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
Dorothy:
[laying on sofa under a blanket] How should I know?
Blanche:
[pulling electric cord from under blanket] If this isn't it I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.
Sophia:
[to Stan] Did you bring your little wife with you or did you make her stay home and clean out her toy box?
Blanche:
Dorothy, do you realize it has been three days since I have enjoyed the company of a man?
Dorothy:
Yes, Blanche. I've been marking the days on my Big Ships of the Navy calendar.
Blanche:
Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something!
Dorothy:
Blanche, there is nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand!
[Rose and Blanche are practicing for a Sound of Music play. Blanche is pretending to be standing on a balcony while Rose runs in yelling her lines]
Rose:
[running into the room] The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming!
Sophia:
[dashing in from the kitchen] Everybody grab a gun and go to the basement!
Rose:
Lets face it, Blanche, you have Bette Davis eyes... and Freddy Kruger hands!
Dorothy:
Rose, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck!
Rose:
No, but you do look the woman who used to drive it.
Dorothy:
[Sophia is staying in the hospital but got lost and the girls can't find her] I can't believe this is happening! I mean, the last thing I said to her was, "Shut up, Zulu!"
Sophia:
If I met a man who was over seventy but still looked half-way decent, I'd be on my back faster than you could say, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Rose:
Back where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought cake.
Dorothy:
Rose, back where you come from, people live in windmills and make love to polka music.
Rose:
Stop it, Dorothy. You're making me homesick!
Sophia:
Now if you'll excuse me I'll be in the living room being feeble. If I can find the living room.
Blanche:
[Sophia slapped Blanche's grandson for mouthing off] Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?
Sophia:
No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!
Blanche:
My first was Billy. Oh, I'll never forget it! That night under the dogwood tree, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy. Or Bobby? Yes, that's right, Bobby! Or was it Ben? Oh who knows, anyway, it started with a B.
Dorothy:
We're having a surprise birthday party for Blanche. Why don't you go out to the lanai and mingle with the guests?
Sophia:
OK! What's a lanai?
Dorothy:
Porch!
Sophia:
Well, excuse me, Krystle Carrington!
Dorothy:
So, how much is this Italian contractor going to charge for remodeling the garage?
Sophia:
[the contractor speaks in Italian, and Sophia translates] He said he'll do it for free for three reasons! One, he loves his work, two, his men haven't been together for a while, and three, he loves to be in the company of pretty young women!
Dorothy:
Oh, wow... in that case, I guess we'll have to agree!
Sophia:
Great! So, here's a list of the pretty young women that you'll have to hire.
Dorothy:
[the girls see all of the old men working on their garage] It looks like the road company of Cocoon.
Stan:
[every time Stan comes to the house] Hi, it's me, Stan!
Blanche:
Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?
Dorothy:
I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!
Blanche:
[referring to her brother and his lover visiting] My goodness, what would the neighbors think if they saw two men lying in my bed?
Sophia:
They'd think it's Tuesday!
Dorothy:
[after Blanche and Rose meanly point out the flaws in her body] Why don't I just wear a sign that says, "Too Ugly To Live?"
Dorothy:
[after being persuaded to go out dancing] Oh all right I'll come.Ma where are my dancing shoes?
Sophia:
In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's. How the hell should I know?
Blanche:
[looking after Rose, who has just left the lanai crying] What's the matter with her?
Dorothy:
She's upset.
Blanche:
Is it about Arnie?
Dorothy:
No, Blanche. She's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke!
Dorothy:
[Sophia is busily cooking] Ma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be resting. Remember what the doctor said?
Sophia:
Dorothy, I'm feeling anxious. And when I feel anxious, there's only one thing that calms me down.
Dorothy:
I know, Ma. Cooking a big meal.
Sophia:
No, making hot naked love in a closet. But hey, you do what you can.
Sophia:
All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?
Dorothy:
Ma, what is your sexual problem?
Sophia:
I'm not getting any!
Rose:
Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?
Rose, Sophia:
[Sophia holds up a knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!
Sophia:
Alright everyone get ready for temple!
Dorothy:
But Ma, it's Tuesday and we're Catholic.
Sophia:
In that case, bacon and eggs?
Blanche:
Rose, you must be confused. You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there's some grammar you need help with.
Dorothy:
You ended that sentence with a dangling preposition just to bait me!
Blanche:
What would I do that for?
Rose:
Heaven is full of cows, chickens, horses and pigs...
Sophia:
I hope Heaven has *boots*!
Blanche:
[to Sophia] My mistake. I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise.
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