It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
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Bill Cosby:
Little Jeffrey. I remember his name, not because he said, "I'm four years old," but because Jeffrey's mother said his name all 2500 miles of the trip.
Bill Cosby:
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
Bill Cosby:
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake.
[He makes motions of a dentist drill slipping]
Bill Cosby:
And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
Bill Cosby:
After rinsing in a dentist's office, you're gonna spit into this miniature toilet bowl. You have no bottom lip so you let it all fall out and say, "Thank God for gravity." Now you want to sit back, but you can't because hanging from your bottom lip is a long line and you can't get it off your bottom lip. Oh, if you wanna be gross, you can grab it and throw it over there. But you try to be smooth about it. And there's breaking over here and there's breaking over there. You try to blow it off. Just vibrating. So you figure, maybe if you sit back, it will snap in half. So you sit back. Now you have a line from the bowl to your bottom lip. The dentist looks at it and says, "Oh, look, a rainbow!" So you have to pay him for that.
Bill Cosby:
God has a sense a humor and God said, "Let him have a girl." Plop. Came out. And I had my child there, first born at home, and it does something to you when you're a father. You're home, you know, really home. And the baby was dirty, she'd made a little poo-poo. My wife and I were so happy when the child made the poo-poo. We asked the child...
[In silly voice]
Bill Cosby:
"Are you the one who made the poo-poo? C'mon, you made the poo-poo. You can poopy...
[Talks in baby talk]
Bill Cosby:
And the baby said...
[does a happy motion]
Bill Cosby:
I said, "That's right, you want to make the poo-poo, you poo-poo when you want to poo-poo."
[In normal voice]
Bill Cosby:
And my wife and I were so happy, we showed it to each other.
[Silly voice]
Bill Cosby:
Did you see the poo-poo? Oh, that's a pretty poo-poo!
[Normal voice]
Bill Cosby:
We called our parents up, "Come over and see the poo-poo!" They came over. "Oh, my God, will you look at the poo-poo!" Two months later, God put odor in the poo-poo, and it became a mess. Parents didn't want to change the child anymore. And they talked to the child...
[In scolding voice]
Bill Cosby:
"Will you look at what you just did? No, I didn't want to see that. You made a mess! Yucky! Icky! Messy!"
Bill Cosby:
Now you've got to go. So you come into the bathroom, close the door; now, don't forget: you owe this to yourself. You've worked hard all week. It's come to this:
[Kneels beside the chair and pretends to lift the lid on the john, then starts moaning]
Bill Cosby:
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"Ahh, Jesus... Oh, God... If You get me out of this, I'll never drink again as long as I live...”
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[groans again]
Bill Cosby:
Now you are ready to put your face in a place that was never built for your face.
Bill Cosby:
Parents aren't interested in justice - they want QUIET!
Bill Cosby:
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'
Bill Cosby:
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."
Bill Cosby:
My parents never smiled... because I had brain damage. My wife and I don't smile because our children are LOADED with it. Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I'm having. Oh, they have a ball! "Havin' a li'l trouble, huh, son?"
Bill Cosby:
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know where I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job... and I don't want it.
Bill Cosby:
Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"
Bill Cosby:
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
Bill Cosby:
Carole Burnett described what labor pains feel like. She said "Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head."
Bill Cosby:
You know my father's favorite game? "C'mere and pull my finger."
Bill Cosby:
Dad is great! Give us the chocolate cake!
Bill Cosby:
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot.
Bill Cosby:
Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
Bill Cosby:
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
Bill Cosby:
FBIBER!
Bill Cosby:
[when his wife sees that he has given the kids cake for breakfast] 复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制
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I've always heard about people having a conniption but I've never seen one. You don't want to see 'em. My wife's face split. My wife's face split and the skin and hair split and came off of her face so that there was nothing except a skull. And orange lights came out of her hair and there was glitter all around. And fire shot from her eye sockets and began to burn my stomach and she said, "WHERE DID THEY GET CHOCOLATE CAKE FROM?"
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Bill Cosby:
I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.
Bill Cosby:
My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.
Bill Cosby:
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
Bill Cosby:
A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is just an all-time dumb person.
Bill Cosby:
I didn't know how serious it is to a female that you lift the lid.
Bill Cosby:
Then my wife stood up... in the stirrups, and on the next contraction, she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married.
Bill Cosby:
My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.
Bill Cosby:
[after spanking the kids] My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to... NOBODY!
Bill Cosby:
A person with one child does not have to deal with "Willyoustoptuchingme?" If you've got one child, and the child's doing that, you gotta take it away.
Bill Cosby:
My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.
Bill Cosby:
[angrily making breakfast] So I go to the refrigerator and I get the damned BACON and the SAUSAGE, makin' breakfast at six o'clock
[BLAM]
Bill Cosby:
in the MORNING, and then I GRAB THE - you have to be careful with eggs.
Bill Cosby:
I tell my kids, "This is not the same person I grew up with. You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven."
Bill Cosby:
[about a talk with his son] So I looked at him. And I noticed that from here...
[pointing to one side of his head]
Bill Cosby:
...all the way around to here...
[pointing to the other side]
Bill Cosby:
...there was no hair. I said, "Son?" Called him "son". "What... happened to your hair?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Son, take your hand and put it on top of your head and tell me what you feel." He said, "There's no hair." I said, "Right! Now, tell Dad what happened to your hair." He said, "I don't know." I said, "Son, was your head with you all day today?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Was this the hair you wanted?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "A reverse Mohawk?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Did you cut your hair off?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Well, why didn't you tell me that in the beginning?" He said, "I don't know!"
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:
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago.
Bill Cosby:
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!
Bill Cosby:
[in the hospital room after the birth of their first baby] ... and I looked at it... and it wasn't getting any better. So I went over to my wife, and kissed her ever so gently on the lips, and I said "I love you, very very much dear. You just... had... a lizard." I mean, because the thing changed colors like, five times! And I said to the doctor, "Can you put this back? Cause it isn't finished cooking! It needs to cook, two three months!" But the hospital made us take it home.
Bill Cosby:
My mother said to me: "When your father gets home, he's going to shoot you in the face with a bazooka! And I'm not going to stop him this time! He's always wanted to kill you! When you were born, he said, "Kill it!"
Bill Cosby:
Then there's cocaine...
Audience Member:
Yeoow!
Bill Cosby:
There you go!
Bill Cosby:
The wierdest thing about drugs is that people on it start to laugh, and no one knows what their laughing at, they just go: "Ahh... no wait a minute... I went over to the... WHOOO!... Ahh... I went over to the Burger King... and so a guy took a piece of meat... and threw it on the grill... I said 'Oh Wow!'... then he turned it over... it was all brown!... I said 'far out!'... and then he put it in between two pieces of bread... I said 'Oh, no!' and a guy ate it."
Bill Cosby:
Now you need something to drink with the chocolate cake. Something breakfast... Grapefruit juice!
[Woman in audience groans]
Bill Cosby:
[glaring at her] This is not your child!
Bill Cosby:
And tired always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "Well I am just sick," and I said "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.
Bill Cosby:
Here comes a truck, gonna hit you. Now whether or not you hit the truck. You are going to have soiled underwear. Cause first you say it, then you do it!
Bill Cosby:
My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.
Bill Cosby:
My wife said, "Bill, get out of that bed and go downstairs AND COOK BREAKFAST FOR YOUR CHILDREN!" I said, "Well, I... I don't know what they want to eat." She said, "It's down there! NOW YOU GET OUT OF THE BED!"复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制
