Rigby Reardon: [drugged] Let's go out dancing! You put on your black dress, and I'll go shave my tongue. Jimmie Sue's Father: Don't go near my daughter again. Don't try to see her. Don't write her and don't phone her. Rigby Reardon: Can I use her underwear to make soup? Rigby Reardon: What's he paying you boys? I'll double it and we'll beat the shit out of HIM. Rigby Reardon: All dames are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious." Juliet Forrest: What are you doing? Rigby Reardon: Adjusting your breasts. You fainted and they shifted all out of whack. Juliette Forrest: What does "Foc" mean? Rigby Reardon: It's a slang word. When a man and a woman are in love, the man puts his... Juliette Forrest: No, no. Here: "F. O. C." Rigby Reardon: My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face. Rigby Reardon: I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits. Rigby Reardon: Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you. Field Marshall Von Kluck: It is customary in these situations for the developer of the plan to explain it. Rigby Reardon: It is also customary for the DETECTIVE to explain how HE figured it out! [At Juliet's house after Rigby has been shot the first time] Butl
er: Yes? Rigby Reardon: I'd like to see Ms. Forrest. Butler: Who shall I say is calling? Rigby Reardon: Rigby Reardon, tell her I've been shot. Butler: Very good, sir. May I tell her by whom? Rigby Reardon: No, I don't know myself. Butler: Are you all right? You look as though you're going to faint. Rigby Reardon: Faint? Never... Catch me. [Rigby Reardon falls on the floor, fainting] Butler: Sorry, I'm a Butler, not a catcher. Rigby Reardon: [to Von Kluck] Who are you, Kraut? [In Rigby's office] Juliet Forrest: If you need me, just call. You know how to dial, don't you? You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles. Field Marshal Von Kluck: It is customary in zese situations for ze developer of ze plan to describe it. Rigby Reardon: I beg your pardon. But it's also customary for the private eye to tell how he figured it out. Field Marshal Von Kluck: No, it is my right! We were able to dupe Dr. Forrest by posing as a humanitary organization, who planned to wipe out hunger, by ageing cheese faster. Rigby Reardon: But when your father finally saw what they were doing... Field Marshal Von Kluck: - he began to assemble lists of names of our agents... Rigby Reardon: - and seemed about to go to the FBI. Field Marshal Von Kluck: We were zerfore obliged to kidnap him, drug him ang bring him... Rigby Reardon: - here! First faking his death so there'd be no further investigation. Field Marshal Von Kluck: But vile testing ze mold on a small island nearby... Rigby Reardon: - cruise ship "Immer Essen" passed by. Some of the passengers saw the tiny island dissolve. Field Marshal Von Kluck: Zey were zerfore labeled "enemies" because of what zey haf seen. We had Walter Neff cancel all further tours and our... Rigby Reardon, Field Marshal Von Kluck: - friends systematically began to eliminate everyone who was on that cruise ship. Field Marshal Von Kluck: Schweinehund! Rigby Reardon: Jerk! Rigby Reardon: I guess to be a good exterminator, you have to enjoy killing things. Ladd, Alan: Yeah. Rigby Reardon: If you want me to investigate your father's death I get 10 dollars a day - plus expenses. Juliet Forrest: Would 200 dollars be enough in advance, Mr Reardon? Rigby Reardon: 200! I'd shoot my grandmother for it! Juliet Forrest: That wouldn't be neccessary. Rigby Reardon: Never can tell. In my last case I had to throw my own brother out of an airplane. Charles Laughton: We know who you are, Mr Rigby.
: So? I'm interested, who am I? Charles Laughton: You could be a guy that collects 10,000 dollars, just to leave this stinking town. Rigby Reardon: I could, could I? Charles Laughton: And you know who I could be? Rigby Reardon: Hunchback of Notre-Dame? Charles Laughton: I could be the guy who hands you them 10,000 dollars. 10,000 dollars, me to you, just like that. Rigby Reardon: Sorry, but my price for leaving stinking towns is 11,500 and a kiss on the lips from Carmen Miranda. Juliet Forrest: I could be your Heinamackafrau. Field Marshal von Kluck: Yes, you could, you could be zat. Rigby Reardon: What's that? What is it? Juliet Forrest: Tell him what it means, Heinamackafrau. Field Marshal von Kluck: Reinemachefrau! It means she could be my cleaning woman. Rigby Reardon (voice off): All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: Dead men don't wear plaid. Hm. Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means. Philipp Marlowe: You got a map of south america? Rigby Reardon: Yeah. Philipp Marlowe: Check out Peru. Rigby Reardon: Got it! Philipp Marlowe: There's a little town on the coast called Paite. Tell me where it is. Rigby Reardon: It's next to a tiny island called - son of a gun! Carlotta! It's not a woman's name, it's a place. Rigby Reardon: The people who brought you The Jerk, try and make it up to you. Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] There was one thing I liked about Monica... the words "I can't" weren't in her vocabulary. Rigby Reardon: Monica, I need you to do something for me. Monica (Veronica Lake): I can't. Rigby Reardon: I guess she'd learned them since the last time I saw her. Cary Grant: You don't smoke, do you? Rigby Reardon: No, I have tuberculosis. Cary Grant: Oh, thank heaven for that.