George Carlin: Hello, my name is George Carlin, and I am a professional comedian. As opposed to the kind you see at work all day long. George Carlin: As a child I was what is known as a "fussy eater." 'He's fussy! He's a fussy eater!' "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "Big pain in the ass."
[On criminals who say "Don't try anything funny"]
George Carlin: When they're not looking, I like to go [Makes a funny gesture] George Carlin: I remember something my third grade teacher used to say. She used to say "You show me a tropical fruit, and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala." [laughter] George Carlin: No, wait... that wasn't her. That was a guy I met in the Army. I always get those two mixed up. George Carlin: Tippy, WHY DID YOU FART? [the "seven dirty words"] George Carlin: The original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. That's all I could think of in one sitting. George Carlin: Flammable, inflammable & nonflammable... Why are there three? Don't you think that two ought to serve the purpose? I mean either the thing flams or it doesn't!