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Cliff De Young
演员
饰Brad Majors &...
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Charles Gray
演员
饰Judge Oliver ...
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Ruby Wax
演员
饰Betty Hapscha...
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Barry Humphries
演员
饰Bert Schnick
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Nurse Ansalong:
[singing] Night-night, it's time for bye-byes, it's been a great day, thanks a heap. Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep...
Cosmo, Nation:
[singing] When Heaven's in the music, Hell is in control. The angels got the voices but the Devil got the rock and roll!
Betty Hapschatt:
Alimony is just another word for RAPE.
Cosmo McKinley:
Romance is not a children's game.
Nation McKinley:
But you keep going back; it's driving you insane.
Nation:
[singing] I feel the heat from your skin and the stubble on your chin, you're no good/
Cosmo:
You're no good/
Nation:
You've got dirt on your hands and everybody understands you're no good/
Cosmo:
You're no good/
Nation:
Oh, what a joke/
Cosmo:
What a joke/
Nation:
You feel like choking/You play for broke/
Cosmo:
Play for broke/
Nation:
He leaves you smoking/
Cosmo:
Oh, romance is not a children's game/
Nation:
But you keep going back/It's driving you insane/
Vance Parker:
[holds up a dead bird] Does this bird belong to you?
Betty Hapschatt:
[screams]
Janet Majors:
[singing] If that's not enough, then I'm/So sorry I met you, it was almost like leading you on/But there's more to it all/Than just ringing your heart out over something/That keeps on going wrong/So don't tell me you love me/How am I supposed to know what that means?/No, don't sell emotion/You can't buy devotion if you're falling apart at the seams...
Betty Hapschatt:
What's happening here? Janet's on "The Breakfast Show," Brad's committed to a nowhere series, and we've been...
Judge Oliver Wright:
Written out?
Cosmo, Nation, Nurse Ansalong, 'Rest Home' Ricky:
[singing] You're not just lookin' at a fast-food king/Just another well-known face/You're not lookin' at the king of anything/
Farley Flavors:
I'm gonna shoot for the moon/I'm gonna play high noon/I'm gonna take on the entire human race/
Cosmo, Nation, Nurse Ansalong, 'Rest Home' Ricky:
You're not looking at a king/
Farley Flavors:
You're looking at an ace...
Brad Majors:
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You're a dead-end, dead-beat, nowhere mister with a kisser like a Mississippi alligator's sister!
Janet:
Hi, Brad. I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.
Betty Hapschatt:
Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind! Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.
Harry Weiss:
A man must know the right occasion to indulge in tax evasion.
Betty Hapschatt:
Oh my god, character actors!
Brad Majors:
We lost our mom, we lost our dad, and if I'm losin' you well, that's... too bad!
Janet Majors:
I need some young blood, I need some young blood. I need it now!
Brad Majors, Janet Majors:
Some people do it for each other.
Judge Oliver Wright, Betty Hapschatt:
Some people do it for their lover.
Brad Majors, Janet Majors:
Some people do it for improvement.
Judge Oliver Wright, Betty Hapschatt:
Some people do it for the movement.
Brad Majors, Janet Majors:
Some people do it for enjoyment.
Judge Oliver Wright, Betty Hapschatt:
Some people do it for employment.
Brad Majors, Janet Majors, Judge Oliver Wright, Betty Hapschatt:
But, we're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna do it no matter how the wind is blowing. We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna do it. We just gotta keep going.
Narrator:
The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
Emily Weiss:
(about Brad Majors) Thank God he was born an orphan. It would have killed his parents. And thank goodness he didn't end up like that Slibstrini boy.
Harry Weiss:
What are you talking about? Danny Slibstrini's a chip of the old block. Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week and Hank says that Danny's moved to New York to better himself.
Emily Weiss:
He moved all right. And they found him in the back of Wilson's bakery, naked, with fifteen other men.
Janet Majors:
(with a look of confirmation) Mexicans.
Harry Weiss:
(Looks disguted) I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside. (Storms out, slamming the door.)
Announcer:
We return to dentonvale after this important message.
Emily Weiss:
You shouldn't have said that.
Janet Majors:
But why?
Emily Weiss:
Your father doesn't like Mexicans.
Farley Flavors:
Time's tight, Janet. Do it right, Janet. Until tomorrow night, Janet?
Cosmo McKinley:
[singing]
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I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself. I've been a cynic for too many years. Playing doctor and nurse, it can be good for your health. I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangeirs.
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Nation McKinley:
But if you open your heart to a smooth operator, he'll take you for all that you've got. He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later. It'll shake you the way he takes off... like a shot.
Nurse Ansalong:
[singing] You're blinded by romance, you're blinded by science. Your condition is critically grave, but don't expect mercy from such an alliance. Suspicion of tradition's so new wave.
Emily Weiss:
[singing] Like a virgin with an urgin' in a surgery, I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me.
[in song]
Macy Struthers:
Like a good-time girl, I'm gonna try some new tricks.
Ralph Hapschatt:
This could be the start of a whole new career.
Macy Struthers:
Got a deep plum lipstick and some therapeutics.
Ralph Hapschatt:
This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.
Emily Weiss:
This is the Mecca of America.
Harry Weiss:
The Bethlehem of the west.
Betty Hapschatt:
Oh, Ralph.
Ralph Hapschatt:
Yeah?
Betty Hapschatt:
SHOVE IT!
Janet Majors:
Why did you tell not to sign now?
Nurse Ansalong:
That way, you get the first day free.
Neely Pritt:
[singing] You'll find happy hearts, and smiling faces, and tolerance for, the ethnic races, in Denton.
Ralph Hapschatt:
[Making an introduction on TV] Ladies and gentlemen: Denton's own, America's pride, the world's example: Janet, the sensation of the planet.
Cosmo:
[in song] You need a bit of... ooh, shock treatment/Get you jumpin' like a real live wire/Need a bit of... ooh, shock treatment/So look out, mister, don't you blow your last resistor for a vista that'll mystify ya!
Bert Schnick:
[in song] Ever since I was the eine kleine herren/It was the Cordon Bleu for which I am most carin'/And the one taste treat so sweet, it really can't be beat/Is what we have, ja, how you are, caviar, that little black mess!
Janet Majors:
[in song] Well...! First you go rip, rip, rip/Then you go snip, snip, snip/Then you whip in a zip, zip, zip/And split it up to the hip, hip, hip/And as you strip, strip, strip/You quiver and shiver for that soft caress/As you slip, slip, slip/Into that little black dress.
Betty Hapschatt:
[to Macy Struthers] Who loves YOU, baby?
[flips her off]
Farley Flavors:
[in song] You've lost your heart!
Brad Majors:
You lost your cause.
Farley Flavors:
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You lost your baby when you lost your balls/You lost your mind when you lost your grip, so say bye-bye!
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Brad Majors:
We lost our home/Our family/You lost compassion, now you're losin' me...
Farley Flavors:
Well, the best thing you could ever do is die!
Bert Schnick:
Hey, folks, it's Ricky from the Rest Home!
'Rest Home' Ricky:
Hey, Bert!
Bert Schnick:
Hey, Ricky.
'Rest Home' Ricky:
I've come for Mr. Majors.
Bert Schnick:
Brad will learn how to care in the surgical chair!
'Rest Home' Ricky:
[to Janet] Nothing serious, I hope?
Janet Majors:
Oh, no, just a routine checkup.
Bert Schnick:
Just a "routine checkup," eh, viewers?
[chuckles]
Brad Majors:
Seducer!
Farley Flavors:
And... who are you, sir?
Brad Majors:
Your twin brother and your accuser!
Brad Majors:
[singing] Dear blender/Now, won't you help a first offender?/Oh, toaster/Don't you put the burn on me/Refrigerator/Why are we always sooner or later/Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night?
Brad Majors:
What are we gonna do, Janet?
Brad Majors:
It's all right, Brad. Everything's gonna be all right.
Cosmo McKinley:
How dare this person take advantage of my weakness!
Nation McKinley:
I don't think he intends to go *that* far.
[she and Bert chuckle]
Janet Majors:
Who are you?
Oscar Drill:
The band.
Janet Majors:
Do you have any friends?
Oscar Drill:
Sure.
Janet Majors:
You won't have soon.
[they give her confused looks]
Janet Majors:
What are you called, your... band?
Glish Davidson:
Oscar Drill and the Bits!
Janet Majors:
[groaning, rolling her eyes] Ohhh...
Betty Hapschatt:
Coffee, Kirk. I'm dying for it.
Kirk:
R.I.P., Betty. You're off the air.
Nation:
This could be worse than the old series.
Cosmo:
In the old series, we never had a convertible.
[flashes the keys]
Cosmo:
Ah, hello, Mr. and... Mrs. Majors. How wonderful to see you. I'm Dr. Cosmo McKinley, and this is my sister and... colleague... Dr. Nation McKinley.
[first lines]
Narrator:
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Once upon a time, there lived a real fast guy. His life was fast. His friends were fast. Heh - even his food was fast. But he was still not satisfied. He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else, a beautiful girl. Trouble was, she was in the arms of... another man.
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Judge Oliver Wright:
Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience there? What an ideal couple they are. More than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values. Ike would have been proud of them.
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