Count Dracula: I'm going out for a bite to drink. Count Dracula: Children of the night, shut up! Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: You know what Freud said: if you don't pay for it, you don't get better. Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: Look, a check. She paid me everything she owes me. She left me, but she learned something. She's a responsible person, or whatever. Cindy Sondheim: We can go to bed, maybe get in a little quickie. Count Dracula: No. With you, never a quickie. Always a longie. Commissare Woman: Either you spend the rest of your life in an efficiency apartment with seven dissidents and one toilet, or you gather your aristocratic shit together and split. Count Dracula: Renfield. Renfield: Yes, master. Count Dracula: What is an efficiency apartment? Renfield: I don't know, master. What's a toilet? Count Dracula: I never drink wine, and I do not smoke shit. [after Rosenberg has set Dracula's Coffin on Fire] Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: This is a perfect example of a man taking charge of his own life. And I feel... pretty good! Count Dracula: Without me, Transylvania will be as exciting as Bucharest... on a Monday night. [Rosenberg approaches Dracula in a restaurant] Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: The second way to kill a vampire, Count; three silver bullets through the heart! Cindy Soundheim: Jeffrey! [Jeff shoots Dracula three times] Count Dracula: No, Rosenberg, that is a werewolf Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: A werewolf? Really? Are you sure? [Guards start to take him away] Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: [to the guards] No harm done! The man's all right! This was for a werewolf! No problem! Calm down! Take it easy! I'm a doctor! I know where I'm going! [repeated line] Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: I'm a doctor! I know what I'm doing. Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: [triumphantly] Well, Count, what do you say to that? [Pulls out a Star of David] Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: [Dracula hides his face, then realizes what it is and removes his hands] Count Dracula: I would say, leave Cindy alone and find yourself a nice Jewish girl, Doctor! Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: Huh? [looks at star] Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: Ah shit! It's the other one, isn't it? Renfield: I think they're from the government. Count Dracula: How do you know? Renfield: They're wearing shoes. Alexei Rugalov: You dirty bat! You bit my mother! Count Dracula: What is your name? Rugalov: Alexei. Rugalov. Count Dracula: No, Alexei. I bit your mother, and your grandmother. Count Dracula: [reading an American phrase book] What is this? Copyright 1923? Renfield, you bumbling moron, this book is as out of date as... as I am. Black mourner: Alvin - I told you to go find your roots, but who told you to drink the water? Renfield: You have 30 seconds to tell me where Miss Sondheim is, or... Cindy's Modeling Agent: Or what? You'll eat your lunch in my office? Renfield: No-o-o, my lunch will eat you. Renfield: I thought you were having fun. Count Dracula: Fun? How would you like to go around looking like a head waiter for 700 years? Cindy Sondheim: Can I get you anything? Count Dracula: A broom, perhaps? Cindy Sondheim: Eh? Oh, I hate housework. It killed my mother. Cindy Sondheim: [talking to her kitten, sitting in the fridge] : So that's where you've been for the last two days, and I thought you were lost. Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: [speaking of] Count Dracula: Where is he? Cindy Sondheim: He'll be here. Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: Another fly by night character. Cindy Sondheim: I told you I have a man in here... Count Dracula: *Now* you do. Count Dracula: I heard a rooster crow. Cindy Sondheim: A rooster? In New York *City*? Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: My name is Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg, and I want to talk to you about a man who sucks the blood out of people. Lieutenant Ferguson: A loan shark, eh? What's 's name. Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: [picking hotel room lock] Every now and then it sure helps to have a patient doing five to ten for breaking and entering. Count Dracula: We're going to make a hoist. Renfield: Heist! Heist, heist.
: We've come to make a withdrawal. We have a very sick man in the car. He needs blood, desperately. Bloodbank Guard: That's a hearse! Count Dracula: So maybe we're a bit late. Count Dracula: Do you think of me as special? Cindy Sondheim: Yes, of course. Count Dracula: So how can you think of yourself as nothing, when I love you? Lieutenant Ferguson: You know we can't go in there without a warrant. Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: If we don't, her immortal soul will be lost forever. Lieutenant Ferguson: If we do I'll lose my pension. Cindy Sondheim: [to Renfield] Why did you tell him that? Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: Because the bad guys always tell the good guys what they're going to do just before they try to kill them. Renfield: He's absolutely right, Miss Cindy, that's part of the rules. But in this case, WE are they good guys. Renfield: Master, please be careful! Count Dracula: What is it? Renfield: You nearly stepped on my dinner! [a black beetle] Count Dracula: Forgive me. Bon appetit! Count Dracula: The wolf is a very misunderstood creature. He never kills for sport, only what is needed. And he always protects the young... and the old. Stewardess: Pardon me, would you like Chicken Kiev Chateaubriand or Veal Cutlet Florentine for lunch? Renfield: Everything you mentioned is dead. Don't you have anything that's alive and kicking? Lady on plane with Cat: [scoffs at Renfield] I'll have the Chicken Kiev, miss. Oh, why don't you bring a nice juicy mouse for little Salome here? Renfield: Could I have one, too? [the lady laughs and Renfield laughs with her] [Rosenberg is about to set Dracula's coffin on fire] Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: In the name of all the Van Helsings who have ever lived... burn, baby! Burn! [throws the lit match on the coffin, and the coffin begins to ignite] [to Dracula and Renfield] Nurse at Bloodbank: If you two freaks don't get out of here, I AM GOING TO SCREAM MY HEAD OFF! Renfield: If you scream loudly, they'll think you where frightened by a mouse. [Renfield places a live mouse above the opening in the nurse's blouse - the nurse screams and runs out of the room. Renfield laughs] [a viewing in a funeral home] Reverend Mike: I knew Brother Alvin... and he was a swinger! Mourners: Yes! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Alleluia! , etc. Reverend Mike: He loved his booze, hahahaha. He loved his women. <
b>Mourners: Yeah! And my wife, too! Yes, he did! Sure did! , etc Reverend Mike: But must of all, he loved his Cadillac Saville, and it's a beaute. I know, because he left it to me, Hallelujah! Mourners: Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! , etc Reverend Mike: I showed him how God wanted him to have a swell time while he was alive. Because, brothers and sisters, when you is gone, you is gone. And ain't no way , no how, nobody's going to bring you back here once you is dead! [the coffin's lid rises, and Dracula sits up inside] Count Dracula: Good Evening. [the mourners scream in panic, and run out of the funeral home, knocking over the chairs] Count Dracula: [to Reverend Mike] I am Count Dracula. I would like a large suite with a bath. I have a reservation. [Reverend Mike screams and jumps through the stained glass window, shattering the glass] Count Dracula: This is not the lobby of the Plaza Hotel? Count Dracula: Ah, Cindy Sondheim, you should have lived in an earlier age. Things were simpler, less complicated. Do you know how many women had nervous breakdowns in the fourteenth century? Two. Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: No! Cindy Soundheim: What? Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: No! It can't be! Cindy Soundheim: What, Jeffrey? Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: Dracula! Cindy Soundheim: How did you know his name?